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Cosmo's Diary

Dear Cosmo & Lainey…

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing
in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when
they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, and try to turn the knob or get your
paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through
the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for
years, canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me and then go smell the other dog’s butt.
I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear dogs, I have posted the following message on our
front door:

To All Non-Dog Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About My Pets,

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my dogs a lot more than I like most people.
4. To you, they are only dogs. To me, they are adopted children who
are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and…
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

November 11, 2005

I just turned 8 years old and all I got was a crazy sister that won't leave me alone. I will be relaxing and, out of the blue, Lainey will ATTACK. Don't get me wrong I do love her. She picked up right where Riley left off...At the park I will catch the Frisbee and Lainey will take it from me and bring it back to Dad.
They say I'm getting grouchy in my old age and that Dad is going to get me a garbage can for Christmas. Dad calls me the "Fun Natzi"..."NO FUN FOR YOU!" Whenever other dogs start playing hard I have to go break it up. I don't like any ruckus when I'm trying to catch my Frisbee.
I have "A List" that I put Mom on when she says mean things: She says that I'm just plump enough for a Super Bowl Feast...SHE'S ON THE LIST! She says that the spots I have are not for camouflage...SHE'S ON THE LIST! And when she blows in my face she goes directly to the top of THE LIST!
Gotta go play...

My best friend

My best friend, Riley, is gone. Where is she? My Dad took her to the hospital just a couple of days ago. I miss her so much. Why did she have to go away.
I love you, Riley.
...Cosmo