Dogster

return to top

Sweet Prince

The days before Baron's death

8th March, 2004. 10:39 pm. Sweet Prince

when his son passed away, eric clapton wrote "change the world" and "tears in heaven". now, "tears in heaven" is just running over and over in my mind. before i went to bed last night, i wrote something... a last minute written plea to Baron. i know he heard it. i prayed so hard. i prayed that God would relay the message for me and i know God will.
----------------------------------------------------- ---------------------
If you have to go
I won't stop you
If you want a better place
I'll try to find it for you
You don't have to cry
You don't have to stay
You don't have to apologize
For abandoning me this way
I just wanna know your journey
Your very final destination
So that I can fight on for you
That I may see you whenever
I cannot promise you no tears
I can't promise no bitter resentment
Just give me time to cope
Just remember that I'm only human
You did not mean much to the world
But you were mine to own and treasure
I just hope God will ease that pain
That I will still see you, Baron.
- Me
-------------------------------------------------------- --------------------
one personal style of writing that i often adopt is that where i assume the position of another person looking at me from a distance. today, sitting at L1.5, i penned out a little smth again, for Baron, my family... and me.
------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------
In your eyes, I see your fears
I see that pain and hidden tears
I see a burning desire to not be alone
I see a child that needs to be consoled
You're looking for a chance to hope
That for all the pain you've felt, you'll find an antidote
Need that affirmation of someone loving you
To take comfort in a friend that's true
The soft smile is nothing but pretend
'Cos you cannot deny the loss of a friend
The peals of laughter spell nought but deceit
For you lack that someone that you need
Clinging on that final thread of faith
You forget how it is you should behave
You do know how to wax lyrical from a pen
Controlled now by your mind, not your hand
Yet always know that you'll be fine
Even when you're treading the thinnest of lines
Because the Lord your God will see you through your all
For God's aware that His children can and will fall.
-Me
------------------------------------------------ -------------------------
i'm fantastic at killing myself with words. when i was writing the 2nd poem, i had eyes both swollen and dry. it was uncomfortable but there was work to be done. at the rate i'm going, i think i'm just throwing myself into work to try to ease the pain away. but i know it's not gonna work. it's gonna be like sec 1 again. i'd think i'm over it. 2 years later, i'll be bawling my eyes out, realizing that by supressing it, i only broke myself more.
----------------------------------------------------- --------------------
Your water bowl sits in the pouring rain
Waiting for you to lap up the cool water
Your chain lies on my table, cold and empty
The sound of it tinkling in my hands
Almost fools my mind for a moment
Thinking you might run up to me, right now
Tail wagging, the wind blowing in your fur
The sun in your eyes and bouncing off your nose
But you're not there, not even during dinner
Making your frenzied dash into the kitchen
Dinner was so quiet without you.

I will never forget the times we shared
The walks, afternoon naps and junk food
Wish we had more of those, wish it never ended
I guess there can never be a right time
For you to leave, but you had to
Maybe its time for us to grow up, to handle it
All by ourselves, the heartaches, the happiness
So till we meet again, in God's Time
Goodnight, Sweet Prince.
- Sis


8th March, 2004. 1:47 pm.

Baron passed away last night in God's hands. i guess i kinda expected it. the weather was exactly the same as the night before my grandma passed away.. and i prayed the same prayer that i did as well.. the prayer that no matter how, even if the other party wanted to give up, that i'd still be fighting on.. the prayer where i don't ask God to bring the other party back to life but just that the other party would stop hurting. God heard my prayers.. He did what i knew and expected Him to do. He brought Baron back to His side and took away the pain as i had hoped He would... just as He took the pain away from my granny by taking her away. though she wasn't christian, God didn't forsake me. He heard my prayers and didn't let it go unanswered. and i thank Him for all He has done. He gave me the strength when i felt i was lacking it the most... to accept what that cannot be changed.

this time, there was no anger, unlike the last. i didn't cry and curse God. i didn't kick up a fuss over Baron's loss as i did with granny's. i guess i was prepared for it after much thought in the van. but it just killed me... to go on smiling and pretend that everything's alright when it obviously wasn't. i did the presentation for Baron.. for God's works in my life. I guess, i'm truly lucky to be a child of God.