Our Empty Life, 1 Year Later

My sweet Allie baby, I can't believe that this will be our first (of many) Halloweens without you. You LOVED Halloween, I did too. We went through our first summer without you, your birthday, daddy's birthday, Skoot & Max's birthdays, my birthday and our anniversary.....all without you. It's not right, and I don't like it, but this is the way things have to be.

Let me take everyone back.

November 4, 2009, late afternoon. It had been raining, still a little wet outside, cool but not cold. You'd been so sick, and we just couldn't get your medications and Cushings under control. Were we doing the right thing? How long could we all go on, you suffring and us knowing what was coming, but not wanting to face it? Daddy had to go out of town, so it was up to me to come stay with you as much as I could -starting a new job, that was hard, but they're "dog people", do they understood- and to send daddy pictures and keep him updated. You'd been given quite a bit of fluid, but you weren't swolen, and the fluid wasn't coming out...we knew we were in trouble. I held your head, kissed your bump on your nose (MY kissie spot!) and told you that you HAD to wait for daddy to come home. Eventhough you couldn't hear me, I knew you understood.
That was the longest day. We'd started working on Christmas items at the shop, so there I was, covered in glitter when daddy called, he'd come home & gone straight to Dr. Kapoor's office.....it was time.

Everyone hugged me as I left, offered love and prayers for us all, and I braced for whatever I would face when I got to you. That was the fastest I'd ever driven that tiny, winding road...yet it seemed the longest 8 minutes of my life. When I pulled in, the only cars there were mine, daddy's & everyone that works for Dr.K. Kind of eerie, surreal, and sad. They had your IV's done and brought us all into a small, cozy room with a tiny slit of a window. We sat on the futon, a small fountain trickled in the corner. I was determined that daddy was going to hold your head, you truly are/were his baby after all. They laid your pink towel down over daddy & me, then put you in our laps....your head in daddy's & your butt in mine. We talked, rubbed, kissed and cried. We ALL cried. two of the doctors were in there, and 3 or 4 of "the girls" who've been like family to us came in to say their goodbye's...and there wasn't enough tissue in the building.

They put the first injection in, and I wanted to scream "STOP!!!", but I knew how you were suffering, and I wanted that to stop, it ws just me being selfish, wanting just one more second with you. Daddy was SO sad, he cried like I've never seen before, or since. You took a deep sigh, they explained that was just you relaxing. They took a few seconds for us...then the final injection. I begged you to stay and get better, I knew I was fooling myself, but I just had to do it. Daddy was beside himself. You were his first love, and now we got to be there when you took your last breath, what a moment. They took you away, daddy & I were so shell shocked, we were hysterical & didn't know what to do after that...we didn't know where to go or where to turn. I started thinking in "funeral mode" & rattled off instructions to Ms. Ann. She was fabulous! "We want her cremated"....that was about all we could get out.

When we got home, I started making calls, e-mails and whatever I could think of, to let everyone know you were gone. We were numb, your brothers were sad & confused. Nobody slept well, if at all that night. The next few days were a blur. One day, I heard a sound I'd not heard in a long time...I was laughing...it was something funny someone said (not related to you), and I was laughing...and it was something normal, maybe the first normal thing I'd done in days. I tried to be there for daddy, I didn't know what to say or do for him. I feel like I failed him. He's never said.

Now here we are, just a few days shy from your 1 year "Rainbowversary". Daddy and I aren't together and I'm sad all over again, your brothers aren't doing well, and I feel like everything has fallen apart. I think that if you were here, things wouldn't be like this. You were the glue that held us together. Daddy lost you, he lost himself. You were SO much like him, so much a part of him. You were his "mini-me", you made each other. I lost you, and I didn't realize the hole you left in my life. You were my little girl, my "Allie-Baby". Sweet Angel, I know where you are, and I know you and Dolly are watching us, and waiting on your brothers, but what I don't know is this: why did you have to rip our hearts out when you left?

I love you my Angel!!! FOREVER!!!

Leave A Comment | 2 people already have

Barked by: Zeus 1999-2010 (Dogster Member)

October 27th 2010 at 3:47 pm

Barked by: Alex **Angel On The BRIDGE** (Dogster Member)

October 27th 2010 at 5:56 pm