Big Brass Ones

Aggressive Dogs and Senile Bipeds

Sunday afternoon, the biped was taking me for a leashed walk around town. Having discovered some time ago that Direct Stop don’t stop squat, he was carrying the M-1 LDADS (Little Dexter Attack Deterrent System—see photos, page 2). Although he can be an insensitive arfhole at times, I’m pretty sure that he is far from eager to smack somebody else’s dog with the thing. But his prime concern, of course, is looking out for me. And if people with outrageously aggressive dogs let their dogs run around loose… hey, I won’t be responsible for the consequences.

But, as I was saying, neither the biped nor I want anybody to get hit with a stick. So it has been our plan all along that he should give ample verbal warning, if possible, before employing more direct methods. His idea of an ample verbal warning is the word “OFF!” enunciated in a very loud growl (and he’s pretty good at it, I must say).

So we’re walking south on the west side of Railroad Avenue (for those of you familiar with greater metropolitan Spreckels), minding our own business, I on my leash, and both of us on a public sidewalk. Suddenly, a dog that looks more like a min-pin than anything else, but may have been a mix of some sort, comes dashing across the street, snarling and snapping and making a bee line for my undercarriage. The biped pivots like a (somewhat portly) ballerina, gets a good businesslike grip on the LDADS, and yells, not “OFF!” but “ARF OFF!” (more or less, if you take my meaning). The attacker stops in his tracks, and his young bipedess scurries out into the street, babbling apologies, and retrieves the nutter.

Needless to say, the biped felt a bit abashed about the whole thing, but I thought it worked out rather well.

But come on, people, if your dog can’t be trusted not to attack every passing vertebrate, keep it locked up. I can’t be responsible for the consequences if you don’t.