September 4th 2005 9:30 am
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Yesterday evening, I was taking my daily constitutional, firmly and responsibly leashed to my security detail (that would be the biped). We were just passing the parking lot of St. Joseph’s Catholic Church, when I was suddenly and viciously attacked by some drug-crazed, brain-washed white fur ball of a terrier. I do not mean that this terrier growled at me, or barked in an unfriendly fashion—he arfing attacked me! Slipped his lead (sure he did!) and made a bee line, snapping and snarling, straight for my soft underbelly.
The ever (well, OK occasionally) alert biped immediately drew his trusty can of Direct Stop Animal Deterrent Spray (it’s citronella), and let the would-be assassin have three or four shots right in the face. No effect whatso-arfing-ever. Zero, zip, nada.
At which point, I was forced, reluctantly, to authorize full-contact dissuasive discourse. Whereupon, my security detail gave my attacker such a boot in the belly as to render him actually airborne for what seemed, in the heightened perception induced by physical danger, quite a long time. But, maddened as he was by Dog only knows what drugs and PETA-developed mind control techniques, the little arfer came right back after me just as soon as his paws hit the ground. Which earned him—and I must stress the word earned—a sharp shot to the side of the head.
That caught his attention for long enough to allow his handler to scoop him up and spirit him away. Presumably, she had decided that the attempt was going badly and that there were, in any case, too many witnesses present to continue.
Please be assured, Littermates, that this vicious attempt on my life will not deter me from continuing to walk the streets of greater metropolitan Spreckels as if they were my own (which, in fact, they are). But I have taken the prudent precaution of authorizing my security detail, henceforth, to carry the M-1 “Little Dexter” attack deterrence system (see Photos, Page 2) on all public outings, not just unleashed hikes in the country. The next would-be assassin that PETA sends after me is going to get smacked first and questioned later.
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