Big Brass Ones

PINHEAD

What with DETH, DexCorp, Pretty Penny Pictures, The Frisbetarian Mother Church of Greater Metropolitan Spreckels LLC, and the biped to look after, I don’t have a lot of time for new ventures. But, based on our recent misadventure with ACES, I have suggested, and the DexCorp Board of Directors has agreed, that we should found our own rescue group: Pups In Need, Having Each Almost Died, or PINHEAD.

PINHEAD will accept only the finest dogs into our rescue program, and we will place them in only the finest homes. In fact, we fully intend that all our dogs will be far too good for you.

If you would like to try to adopt one, we will happily accept your adoption application fee (the exact amount of which remains to be determined, but I’m thinking a hundred bucks, minimum). And once you have filled out our 27-page application form (no spelling errors or erasures, please), we will be happy to come out to your place and give you a nice body cavity inspection (for an appropriate fee, of course). But we’re pretty sure you’re just not going to measure up as a caretaker for one of our dogs.

If it’s any consolation to you—and it darned well should be—we are more than willing to accept any sufficiently generous donation you may feel called upon to make to get us to take our latex-clad fingers out of your... navel—can’t be too careful!—and get the heck out of your house.

Hey! I’m just a volunteer here. Don’t give me a hard time!