Big Brass Ones

Come on and RES-cue me!

The bipeds have been thinking about getting me a companion for some time. They’ve been kicking various ideas around: another Gordon setter maybe, a border collie to round me up, possibly an English setter—I think I’ve mentioned that the biped has always been fond of English setters.

Well, if you have ever done a search for English setters on Dogster, you will surely have noticed that quite a few of the English setters on Dogster are in the custody of a rescue group called Another Chance for English Setters (ACES) and are available for adoption. The biped was scrolling through these dogs the other day and came across two or three that looked like they might be good fits for our household. So he decided to contact ACES.

If you will forgive the digression, I must tell you here that the biped—and I happen to agree with him on this point—categorically rejects the notion that the only responsible and ethical source of companion dogs is a shelter or rescue group. His inclination, in fact, is to prefer a puppy from an established breeder—you know what you’re getting, and any mistakes made with the dog will be your own mistakes, tends to be his position. But, heck, he thinks—why not try a rescue group. Some of these dogs sound perfect, and there are indisputable advantages to skipping the whole puppy stage of dog rearing. And if, in the course of pursuing our own goals, we can rescue a dog that needs rescuing, why the heck not?

So, as I say, he decided to contact ACES. He is directed to their web site, where he can fill out an on-line adoption application. This application, when printed out, runs to 11 pages. Many of the questions are straightforward and completely unobjectionable. Others are repetitive or silly, but still unobjectionable. Some begin to strike him as unduly intrusive and/or (forgive my language) snotty.

One question that the latent editor in him particularly liked was:

Are you aware that it can take up to 6 months for your rescued English Setter to adjust to a new home?

Yes No

Notice anything funny about the structure of this question? Notice that, whether you answer Yes or No, either way you are forced to acknowledge the truth of the proposition. There is no place to reply, say, “That really strikes me as extremely unlikely and is contrary to all my previous experience with dogs.” And how could you answer No, anyway? I mean, you just read the question, didn’t you? If you weren’t aware of it before, you must be aware of it now. I mean, this one is not so much objectionable as simply stupid.

And then there’s:

Would you be able to take care of your adopted English Setter if your home or family situation were to change (eg. Divorce)?

Yes No

Come on! Answer the question! Yes or no, would you? How about maybe? Like, if your wife divorced you, and a freight train ran over your legs, and you suffered a major stroke, maybe you wouldn’t be able to take care of your adopted English Setter. Less amusingly, but with penetrating logic, the bipedess points out that what this question really amounts to is:

If your life changed in such a way that you couldn’t take care of your adopted English Setter, would you be able to take care of your adopted English Setter?

Here’s where it started actually creeping the biped out, as opposed to merely causing him to shake his head and roll his eyes:

Are you willing to allow an English Setter Rescue representative to periodically visit your home?

Yes No

Periodically? We are clearly talking about after the adoption here. Home visits by doggie social workers may be appropriate for foster homes, or homes where there is some reason to suspect abuse. But once the adoption is done, it’s done, is the biped’s feeling—it is no longer ACES’s dog; it’s his dog. And you can ask nicely if you’d like to come visit it.

So the answer to that one was No, which probably would have queered the deal all by itself. But it gets worse. At the end of the adoption application, when you have already spent maybe an hour and a half giving thoughtful honest answers to largely inane questions, then they’d like you to read the actual Adoption Agreement, the contract you will have to sign before any adoption can take place. That form is six pages long, and among its more salient points are these (I am condensing and paraphrasing some):

9. IDENTIFICATION: The dog has a microchip registered with ACES. You are not allowed to have that microchip removed. You are not allowed to have the registration of that microchip changed. You CAN, at your own expense, have ANOTHER microchip injected, but that microchip must ALSO be registered to ACES. The dog is required to wear the ACES tag at all times.

What can I say, except: Clearly, this is not your dog; it’s ACES’s dog. (Though you do get to pay for its food, shelter, training, and medical expenses.)

15. RELOCATION: You have to inform ACES before you move anywhere with the dog. At a MINIMUM, you have to agree to notify ACES within 15 days of any change of residence address, email address, or phone number.

Now, they don’t say that this provision is applicable only during the lifetime of the dog, but let’s give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that that’s what they mean. So you are, in effect, agreeing to conduct yourself more or less like a parolee or registered sex offender, but only for the next 10 or 15 years, max.

So, this is just a guess on my part, but I’m thinking I am not going to be getting an English setter sibling through ACES. (On the bright side, maybe I will get a Romanian human infant to play with—I hear they come with a lot fewer strings attached.)