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Big Brass Ones

Beast Men of Oregon

October 21st 2006 10:24 am
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We’ll leave a light on for you.

The biped has gone off to Oregon by himself, leaving the bipedess and me to fend for ourselves (and for each other, of course). It’s not that bad, really. She doesn’t know which way to walk me around town, but her heart’s in the right place. Last night, we watched one of her Upstairs, Downstairs DVDs on the flat screen. A bit… well… sedate for my taste, but still, a nice change of pace from Myth Busters, Man Show reruns, and the World War II channel (“WACs bouncing on trampolines”).

The reason for the biped’s solo journey is this: We’re having zillions of money’s worth of new fencing installed at our family retreat in Cottage Grove (the principle purpose of which is to keep me safe and happy), and the contractors wanted the biped there the first day to make sure everybody was on the same post, so to speak—you must surely remember the whole green-T-post/red-T-post controversy?

Anyway, the biped felt that I would just be underfoot, and the bipedess… well, the bipedess, frankly, had better things to do this weekend (as did all three of the biped’s “friends,” each of whom, individually, he invited to accompany him on this great “road trip”).

But all of the foregoing is mere prelude to my real story. Which is that the Oregon woods are apparently crawling with tiger men. Which we know because the biped reported in a call home that he had heard on the morning news (“Good Morning, Oregon!… Oregon?… Anybody in there?”) that two tiger men had been arrested for selling methamphetamine.

Now, that story is disturbing on any number of levels.

First of all, beast men of any sort—even, say, alpaca men—are, to say the least, unusual.

Second, given the climate, you’d expect any beast men in Oregon to be… I don’t know… bear men, or maybe giant disgusting brown slug men. Possibly even garbage-can-knocking-over raccoon men. (I think Oregon may even harbor a few sheep men, if you take my meaning.) But tiger men? It just doesn’t seem right.

And thirdly, why are they selling meth? Has the climate got them all out of sorts, or what? Whatever the reason, it’s an extremely unsettling development. I mean, regular old human low lifes hanging around on street corners selling drugs to your kids are scary enough. But (and I know I’m repeating myself here) tiger men?

Anyway, all things considered, I’m just as glad the biped didn’t take me along this time. And, frankly, I’m rethinking my entire position on eventually retiring to Oregon. I mean… What?… Oh, Tigard men. Well… that’s different, I guess.

But not much.


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