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Big Brass Ones

Avast! Matey, and belay the aft neutical!

June 27th 2006 6:33 pm
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There is an expression among bipeds (I am reliably informed) that goes something like this:

“I’d give my left n_t for [object of desire here]!”

Object of desire could be just about anything: a beer, a cigarette, a date with Helen Thomas… whatever.

But it’s the “left n_t” part that’s got me confused. And it’s not the concept of left and right that’s beyond my ken, either. On our walks around Greater Metropolitan Spreckels, the biped frequently steers me by saying, “Dexter, take a left,” or, “Dexter, take a right.” I’m actually getting pretty good at left and right—well, left, anyway. So that’s not the problem.

The problem is I don’t quite see how the concept applies to the object(s) at hand. Entirely intact as I am, I find, now that I can actually see them, that I do not have a left n_t. No, nor a right one, either. Because mine—and this is the Dog’s honest truth—are mounted fore and aft, rather than port and starboard. It’s the damnedest thing.

(That should keep Star’s brow furrowed for a while.)


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