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Big Brass Ones

Danger, Books!

February 24th 2006 11:40 am
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Fortunately, I am illiterate. So I am immune to most of the dangers posed by books. Some small percentage of bipeds, however, is literate, and it is that small percentage whom I wish to address this morning.

Fwiends, Womans, countwymen… No, wait. Wrong address.

As you may know, my bipeds gain a not insubstantial portion of their livelihood from selling books. And, frankly, I wish them continued success—I am always in need of funds, it seems. So I don’t want to see them run out of business, even if they do sell an inherently dangerous product at an obscene profit.

So I would like those of you who read to be careful out there:

Do not read the bipeds’ books under inadequate lighting conditions. Doing so may cause eye-strain headaches, eventual blindness, and hair growth on the palms of your hands.

Contrariwise and on the other hand, but by the same token, do not attempt to read the bipeds’ books in direct sunlight without protective eye wear. If you do, you may fry your little retinas.

And under no circumstances should you attempt to eat the bipeds’ books. The bipeds have done everything in their power to make them as easily digestible as possible, but they still prose a severe choking risk. If you must eat them, soak them overnight in chocolate milk first—that seems to work for me.

And if you do go blind while reading one of the bipeds’ books… just twy and find us. Shhhhhhh!


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