♥ The Princess Rosie diary ♥

Rosie is FOUND, Rosie is FOUND!!!!!

Her mum is on the way to get her now. details later...

There are no appropriate words to thank everyone for your help spreading the word, being on the lookout, and all the good thoughts. Thank you, Thank you!

Heidi's back!!

And we're singing poop songs again - feel free to come and join us in the GSD forum and our poop thread. Here's one of her new ones...

I poop at my convenience in the summer when it's hot
I go a little quicker in the winter when it's not
but sometimes in the spring, and sometimes in the fall
I like to freak my mom out
and I don't go poop at all!

Warning, very corny.....

Q: What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A: A zebra.

Dog letters

Dear God, Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God, When we get to heaven can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God, Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang,The colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle?

Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God, If we come back as humans, is that good, or bad?

Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the Schnauzer across the street.

Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Some silly riddles....

Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
A: Because you can't bury them in trees!

Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
A: He was trying to make both ends meet!

Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A: A collie-flower!

Q: Why do dogs wag their tails?
A: Because no one else will do it for them!

Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.
'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.
'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.
'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy. 'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'??
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'?

You're gonna LOVE me for this....The third piggy says -
'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!!!

Riding Lessons

There once was this blonde riding a horse. After a while it began to speed up. She was hanging on by the tail and cut her forehead open.

After a long struggle, she was able to climb back onto the horse. She then fell off the side and got her foot caught. The horse was now dragging her.

She finally got back on the horse with a broken ankle, bruises all over, and she was bleeding from three different spots. Finally, the horse came to a complete stop.

Thank goodness that the manager of the K-mart came out and shut the machine off.

A lovely piece from Kiko and Josie

A professor stood before his Philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.

He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

'The golf balls are the important things - your God, family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

'The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.

'The sand is everything else--the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

'The same goes for life.
'If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Play with your children.

'Take time to get medical checkups.

'Take your partner out to dinner.

'Play another 18.

'There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

'Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter.

'Set your priorities.

'The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled. 'I'm glad you asked.

'It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a cup of coffee with a friend.'

Shingles

A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

The value of a good education

A mother mouse and her three children crept out of their hole into the kitchen and began feasting on some delicious bits of food. Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, Mother Mouse saw a cat slinking toward them.

The cat was between the mice and their hole. The mother mouse puffed up her lungs and went, "Woof! Woof!" The cat turned tail and ran. With that, the mother quickly led her children back to safety in their hole.

When they were settled, and breathing normally, Mother Mouse said to her children, "Now, what's the lesson from that experience?"

"We don't know," the baby mice squeaked.

"It is this," said Mother Mouse. "It's always good to know a second language."

A Dog's Daily Routine

The day is divided into two important sections: the all-important mealtime, and everything else.

I. Mealtime

Just because there does not seem to be anything visible around to eat certainly does not mean there is nothing around to eat. The act of staring at the underside of a table or chair on which someone else is eating sets in motion a chain of events that eventually results in food.

It goes without saying that you should carefully check the lower third of any space for edibles. Mouth-sized things which cannot be identified by sight or smell are considered gum.

When you actually receive a meal, submerge your head into it as you would a shower. Never, never look up again until a minimum of at least fifteen minutes after the obvious food is gone. This is important. Just because your dish is empty does not mean that it is time to stop eating.

Remember that all food is potentially yours up until the time that it is actually swallowed by another. The lengthy path a piece of food will take from a plate to a mouth via a hand is as good a time as any to stake your claim to it.

When it comes to selecting an appropriate beverage, location and packaging mean nothing. There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule.

If you really see something you want, and all your other attempts at getting it have failed, it is only right to grovel shamelessly. As a second tactic, stare intently at the object of your desire, allowing long gelatinous drools to leak like icicles from your lower lip.

II. Everything Else

There are really only two important facial expressions to bother with: complete and overwhelming joy and nothing at all.

Any time that is not meal time is potentially nap time. The best time to take a nap is when you hear your name being called repeatedly. The best location for a nap is dead center of any street or driveway. The most relaxing position is on your side, all four limbs parallel.

The most practical way to get dry is to shake violently near a fully clothed person. A second effective method is to stand on a light-colored piece of furniture.

Personal Safety

At the first hint of any irregular noise, run from room to room barking loudly. If someone actually comes into the house, rush over to them whether you know them or not. Then kiss them so violently that they lose their balance or have to force you away physically.

The greatest unacknowledged threat to life as we have come to know it is squirrels. No matter what you must do, make sure there are none in your yard.


Recreation and Leisure

Ball: There are two equally amusing sets of rules you will want to know.

The Common Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and return it.

The Preferred Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and eat it.

Car: As you know, any open car door is an invitation to get in. Once inside, your only goal is to try to get out.


Health: In the event of a trip to the doctor, always be on your guard. If you are vaccinated, pee on the physician.

Goat giggles!

What do you call an unemployed goat?
Billy Idol.

What do you call a goat at sea?
Billy Ocean.

What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the kid.

What do you call a goat that lip syncs?
Billy-Vanilli.

In an effort to diversify their workforce, a large corporation decided to start hiring cannibals. However, they all had to sign a contract agreeing to not eat any fellow employees.

All goes well with the new cannibals, until one day, a secretary disapears without a trace. The CEO calls in the cannibals to a meeting.

"I must apologize for how this may seem to all of you, but it is my duty to try and find out what happened. Would any of you know where the missing secretary may be?" he inquires of them.

"No, no, we don't know anything about it", they all assure him.

The CEO nods and ends the meeting. As the cannibals exit his office and make their way down the hallway, the Head Cannibal hisses at them under his breath: "You FOOLS!!! For MONTHS we have been eating managers, and nobody ever noticed! Then you had to go and eat someone whose work actually matters!!!!"

How to get your very own kitten!

The pastor of a church had a kitten that climbed up a tree in her backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if she tied a rope to her car and pulled it until the tree bent down, she could then reach up and get the kitten. That's what she did, all the while checking his progress in the car. She then figured if she went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for her to reach the kitten. But as she moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air, out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. She walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So she prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and went on about her business.

A few days later she was at the grocery store, and met one of her church members. She happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so she asked her, 'Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?'. She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and then told her how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it', she told the pastor. 'I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat.

And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.'

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.

What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck?
A duck filled fatty puss.

Another great one from Tedibear!

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table.

The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed children's jigsaw puzzle. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture explains, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.

"The side of the box said 2 to 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

Basic Rules for Dogs Who Have a Yard to Protect

Newspapers: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.

Visitors: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

Barking: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark - a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark ...

Licking: Always take a big drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

Holes: Rather than digging a big hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

Doors: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

Sniffing: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

Dining Etiquette: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

Housebreaking: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

Going for Walks: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

Couches: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

Playing: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

Cats: When chasing cats, make sure you never *quite* catch them. It spoils all the fun.

Chewing: Make a contribution to the fashion industry ... Eat a shoe.

Deer tracks

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a pair of tracks. They stopped and examined the tracks closely.

The first lawyer announced, "Those are deer tracks. It's deer season, so we should follow the tracks and find our prey."

The second lawyer responded,"Those are clearly elk tracks, and elk are out of season. If we follow your advice, we'll waste the day."

Each attorney believed himself to be the superior woodsman, and they both bitterly stuck to their guns.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Dog math

A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.
"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"

"40," replies the dog.

"How can there be 40?" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"

"I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."

A frog at the bank

This frog walks into a bank to get a loan. He steps up to the counter and asks for an application from the clerk, Patty Wack.
"Hi, I'd like to fill out an application for a loan", said the frog.

Patty Wack replied, "Do you have any collateral for this loan; something to stand against your loan?"

The frog replied, "All I have is this statue of a unicorn."

"Well, I don't know," said Patty Wack, "I'll have to ask the manager about this."

Patty Wack goes to see the bank manager.

The bank manager looks at the statue and replies: "Knick Knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan."

The giant gorilla

There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock.

But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.

So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, “Why can't I touch its fur?” as their didnt seem to be anything wrong with it.

Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldnt understand until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla.

He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.

Suddenly the gorilla went ape and started to jump around, then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into some one else's sports car and drove off.

In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in its own sports car, driving right behing him.

He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden and up the apple tree.

He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.

The man jumped down and ran back in to the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla.

The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shaddow coming down the street ahead.

The gorilla!

It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked straight into the bloodshoot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly.

This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint.

The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said, “Tag! You're it!”

Ways the U.S. Would Be Different If the Next President Were- a Dog:

10. Doggy door on oval office
9. At press conferences, instead of "Mr. President," reporters would shout, "Here fella!"
8. Goodbye Whitewater scandal, hello toilet bowl water scandal
7. Washington Monument replaced with hundred-story fire hydrant
6. U.S. might have more coherent foreign policy
5. Public enemy #1: That neutering Bob Barker
4. Secret service and CIA dispatched to catch that little chuck wagon
3. Country really run by dog's smarter poodle wife
2. Here's your new national anthem: "Who let the dogs out?"
1. One word: sausage-gate

Cute game!

Make your own mutt game!

If you've always wondered what a German Shepherd head would look like on a Chihuahua (and let's face it, who hasn't BOL!!) this is the game for you!

Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. The man in charge told the farmer, 'We need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.'

The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.'

The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, 'I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish.'

So the old farmer went about his chores.

It wasn't too much later when the farmer heard loud screams and yelling. He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running for their lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at every step.

The old farmer yelled out, 'Show him your card, Smart Guy.... Show him your card!!'

Noah and the Ark and the EPA

My friend Dutch told me this joke - I love it!


In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed.

I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You
mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. 'The government beat me to it.

My friend Hearth sent me this quote

and I'm still giggling!!

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend;
inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
---Groucho Marx

The operator

I dialed '0' and when a sweet voice answered, I said, "Hello, operator, I'd like to speak to the king of the jungle."

She answered immediately, "I'm very sorry, but the lion is busy."

Chicken for breakfast

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down.

The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.

"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively.

"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.

"Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?"

"Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.

Be careful what you wish for!

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "How about you?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with great legs who agrees with everything I say."

As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian.

She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention.

She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.

I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right.

"I'm fine," she assured me, "but I hate to think what could have happened to me if that dog hadn't honked."

The snake's new glasses

A old snake goes to see his doctor.

"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days".
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost at sea.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5 and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

This may only amuse my UK pals

A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a fish
under his arm. "Do you have any fishcakes?" he asks.
"Yes, of course," says the fish shop owner.

"Great," replies the man, nodding at the fish under
his arm, "It's his birthday."

Signs that you may have waited to long for a hubby

--you think stripping is something you do to a terrier

--you meet a guy named Bob and instantly visualize purple and gold rosettes (AKC Best of Breed ribbon color)

--you think nothing about loudly discussing studs and bitches in a fancy restaurant

--the first thing you notice about a guy is what breed of dog he has

--your biggest turn-off is a guy with an obnoxious untrained dog

--you have ever ruled out a guy as a prospective date based on the breed of dog he owns

--you dismiss all the guys your mother introduces you to as "not breeding quality"

--you never could stick to a diet to impress a guy, but you can do it to get through that TDX track

--your only nice jewelry features either dogs, dumbbells, or rosettes

--you have a video on how to artificially inseminate your dog but last watched a dirty movie in junior high school

--when you talk about "scoring" you mean how you did at last weekend's obedience trial

--your dog has more letters after his name than the last ten guys you've dated, and actually completed obedience school

--you think that maybe your current guy has potential if you use the proper combination of positive reinforcement and the occasional well timed ear pinch

--you "people watch" at the mall by making mental lists of the conformational faults each passer-by has to contribute to the gene pool

--you think if you ever did marry and have children that you wouldn't have to buy a playpen because you already have an extra x-pen. And why buy a crib?? Crates are cheaper and they're enclosed on all sides

--you give all of your married friends child-rearing advice based on your extensive background in dog training

--your mother's worst fear is that you'll have a child and make it wear a pinch collar

--your mother's second worst fear is you'll get married and your dog will be in the wedding party

--you actually have friends whose dogs HAVE been part of the wedding party

--when your cousin tells you how much her wedding costs you think how many show-quality puppies that could buy you

--all of your friends always include your dog in any invitation they issue to you. Of course, you reciprocate because you only have doggy friends left....the others have stopped inviting you places because you insist on bringing the dog!

--when you read the personal ads you skip past the vital statistics and rule out any that don't say "animal lover"

--you know your dog's cholesterol but not your own

--when you lament to your friends about chronic yeast infections, they know you're talking about your dog's ears

--you last had a professional portrait done for your high school graduation, but you just spent 50% of your dog's purchase price having his done by the best canine photographer in the country

--you and your dog use the same kind of hairbrush, and you never can keep straight whose is whose

--you spend 8 hours grooming your dog for a show the day before, and 1.25 minutes ponytailing your hair the morning of the show.

--you think that people with bad bites shouldn't be allowed to breed

--your mother is ecstatic to see you browsing the aisle with the hair coloring, after hounding you for three years to try highlighting.col only to be disappointed when she finds you are looking for peroxide to "touch up" your Clumber's drool marks

--when someone mentions single bars, you wonder if they are talking about utility or agility jumps

--when you go "clubbing", you have your choice of the all-breed club, the Specialty club, the obedience club, or the tracking club

--you once made earrings out of old rabies tags, and all your friends wanted a pair.

Anonymous

Flying fools

Two foolss stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.

After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.

Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one fool says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."

The other fool replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."

The new pet

A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, "I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll just get him."

With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. "This dog is a special dog," he tells her. "It is able to fly," he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.

"There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my', he'll eat whatever you've mentioned. Watch. "My apple!" The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket.

"He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him," she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.

"Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!" she exclaims when she gets back home. "He can fly!"

The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, "Fly eh? Ha! My foot!"

Etiquette tips for all my pals!

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...

LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.

Romance?

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying,
"For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," said the wife.

The fairy waved her magic wand and -- poof! Two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment, and then said, "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and -- poof!

The husband became 92 years old.

Another great joke from my friend Tedibear!

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.

As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about
the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until
they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr,
gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

Need a day off?

One for the humans...

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling
and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde ) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the boss might think I was 'crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office... When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the boss asked her,'..And where do you think you're going?!' (You're gonna love this....)


She said, "I'm going home, too. I can 't work in the dark."

Porcupine Encounter

A local veterinarian in the Northeast was known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

"Fifteen hundred dollars, Ma'am," he answered.

"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to overcharge summer visitors. What do you do in the winter, when we're not being taken advantage of here?"

"We raise porcupines, Ma'am," came the quick reply.

Dog therapy

How to tell if your dog has a problem - ask yourself the following questions.

Does your dog know the spelling, Latin root and French translation of the word "walk," yet is unable to grasp the meaning of the word "come"?

Is your dog shameless, graceless, without dignity and extremely in touch with his inner puppy?

Does he wake you up in the middle of the night to warn you of the dangers of a kitchen chair, then sleep through the theft of all your valuable possessions?

Does he develop a tragic and profound deafness at the sound of "It's time to go home," yet possess bionic hearing at the sound of a can opener?

If you answered "yes" to most of these questions.
Relax, your dog is normal

Forrest Gump goes to Heaven

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at
the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed,
and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest,it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and wehave been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, Iknow, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:
What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.
'How many seconds in a year?'

'Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd.. '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter . 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied,'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song, 'ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,and said: 'Run Forrest, run.'

What Woof really means

10) Fluff my pillow.

9) It's too hot for a walk. You'll have to go for the both of us.

8) Don't forget to scratch behind the left ear also.

7) I do believe my water bowl runneth dry.

6) Turn on the Air Conditioning

5) Drop the nail clippers and slowly put your hands over your head.

4) First rub my belly, then we'll worry about your needs.

3) Gee, what a lovely sweater you bought me Mom and Dad.

2) The floor you say? No, I'm quite comfortable here on the couch.

.......and, the #1 thing Woof really means:

1) I am dog, master of all the universe

Top 10 All-Time Dog Movies:

10. "Abbott and Costello Meet Cujo". Who's on Lou?
9. "The Howling". Story of a Rottweiller and a mousetrap.
8. "All Dogs Go To Heaven". Documentary.
7. "The Maltese Milk Bone". Action adventure, starring Humphrey Gobark.
6. "The Postman Always Rings Twice". Tutorial for territorial terriers.
5. "Terminator III - Garbage Day". Cyborg meets up with crazed Cocker Spaniel. Hasta la Vista, Arnold.
4. "Back To The Future IV - Einstein's Revenge", starring Michael J. Foxhound. Einstein steals the DeLorean.
3. "The Bad News Beagles". Snoopy gets rid of that loser, Charlie Brown, leads a team of beagles to the Little League World Series.
2. "Dial M for Mustard". Murderous dachshund leaves a trail of condiments.
1. "Reservoir Dogs." Don't drink the water...

Friends Game!

There is a new game on Dogster...
I'm handling the tagging for Vincent too - and we've been tagged by Dakota, Medea, Lana, Buddy, Pippin, Tedibear, Lily, Kayla and Dutch!

Okie doke, I'm supposed to give you 4 answers for each category. Here I go!!

**************************************
Name Four Jobs You Have

1. Fetching a frisbee - I get paid a penny each time!
2. Keeping Vincent amused by stealing his toys and making him run after me!
3. Protecting our house from the pizza guy. He tries to break in, I shout at him and he leaves food. Pretty cool huh?
4. Keeping the humans in shape by needing my trots around the park.


Name Four Places You Have Lived

1. Right here in Columbus, OH!
2. With my breeder in Circleville, OH
3. Um, Camp Woof in Delaware, OH is my vacation home!
4. My emergency vacation home is Pet Palace in Columbus OH.


Name Four Places You Have Been

1. Chattanooga, TN to see Grandpa, Ann and Jackson
2. Wilmington, DE to see Grandpa, Grandma and Baci
3. A dogpark in Pennsylvania
4. Other states I've peed in - WV, KY


Name Four Places You Would Rather Be:

1. Goodale Park!
2. Carousel Park in DE
3. Antrim Lake
4. The Bark Park where we had a playdate with Mellow, Caelen and Lainie

Now I need to ask four friends to do the same - still thinking....

Chicken silliness

Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
A: Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide!

Q: Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
A: Because talk is cheep!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again?
A: Because he was a dirty double-crosser

Space Monkeys

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were all ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space.
As the moment came closer NASA's mission control center announced, ''This is mission control to Monkey One. Do your stuff.''

At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle's engines ignited and the shuttle took off.

Two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, ''This is mission control to Monkey Two. Do your stuff.''

At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle seperated from the empty fuel tanks.

Another two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, ''This is mission control to the astronaut...''

At this the astronaut shouted ''I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don't touch anything.''

Three Legged Turkey

A man was driving down a country road one day at 45 miles per hour when suddenly he noticed a 3-legged turkey running at the same speed beside his truck. Though he thought this odd, the man decided to speed up so he wouldn't cause an accident with the turkey.

The man sped up to 55 miles per hour, but low and behold, so did the 3-legged turkey.

The man then sped up to 65 miles per hour only to again be equaled in speed by the 3-legged turkey.

As the man watched in amazement, the turkey suddenly made a sharp left turn and took off down a side road toward a small farm.

The man quickly also made the left turn and followed the turkey to the small farm, parking out front.

Looking around the man found the farmer around back in the midst of many 3-legged turkeys.

After greeting the farmer, the man asked him why he was raising 3-legged turkeys.

"Well we figure," said the farmer, "that with an average family of 3 people, only 2 can have a turkey leg with an average turkey. But with a three legged turkey, each member of the family can enjoy a turkey leg for of their own on Thanksgiving."

"That's pretty wise," said the man, who then asked "Well how do your 3-legged turkeys taste?"

"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never been able to catch one."

Agency Rabbit Hunt

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. Two hours later they come out with a badly-beaten bear who’s yelling, “OK, OK! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

Chickens

The farmer’s son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken’s his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

“Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.”

“Well, you did real good, son,” the farmer beamed. “You left with seven.”

Commitment

A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.

"Great idea!" the chicken cried. "Let's offer them ham and eggs?"

"Not so fast," said the pig. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."

The best April Fool's pranks!

From television revealing that spaghetti grows on trees to advertisements for the left-handed burger, the tradition of April Fool's Day stories in the media has a weird and wonderful history.
Here are 10 of the top April Fool's Day pranks ever pulled off, as judged by the San Diego-based Museum of Hoaxes for their notoriety, absurdity, and number of people duped.

-- In 1957, a BBC television show announced that thanks to a mild winter and the virtual elimination of the spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. Footage of Swiss farmers pulling strands of spaghetti from trees prompted a barrage of calls from people wanting to know how to grow their own spaghetti at home.

-- In 1985, Sports Illustrated magazine published a story that a rookie baseball pitcher who could reportedly throw a ball at 270 kilometers per hour (168 miles per hour) was set to join the New York Mets. Finch was said to have mastered his skill -- pitching significantly faster than anyone else has ever managed -- in a Tibetan monastery. Mets fans' celebrations were short-lived.


-- Sweden in 1962 had only one television channel, which broadcast in black and white. The station's technical expert appeared on the news to announce that thanks to a newly developed technology, viewers could convert their existing sets to receive color pictures by pulling a nylon stocking over the screen. In fact, they had to wait until 1970.

-- In 1996, American fast-food chain Taco Bell announced that it had bought Philadelphia's Liberty Bell, a historic symbol of American independence, from the federal government and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell.

Outraged citizens called to express their anger before Taco Bell revealed the hoax. Then-White House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked about the sale and said the Lincoln Memorial in Washington had also been sold and was to be renamed the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial after the automotive giant.

-- In 1977, British newspaper The Guardian published a seven-page supplement for the 10th anniversary of San Serriffe, a small republic located in the Indian Ocean consisting of several semicolon-shaped islands. A series of articles described the geography and culture of the two main islands, named Upper Caisse and Lower Caisse.


-- In 1992, US National Public Radio announced that Richard Nixon was running for president again. His new campaign slogan was, "I didn't do anything wrong, and I won't do it again." They even had clips of Nixon announcing his candidacy. Listeners flooded the show with calls expressing their outrage. Nixon's voice actually turned out to be that of impersonator Rich Little.

-- In 1998, a newsletter titled New Mexicans for Science and Reason carried an article that the state of Alabama had voted to change the value of pi from 3.14159 to the "Biblical value" of 3.0.

-- Burger King, another American fast-food chain, published a full-page advertisement in USA Today in 1998 announcing the introduction of the "Left-Handed Whopper," specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new burger included the same ingredients as the original, but the condiments were rotated 180 degrees. The chain said it received thousands of requests for the new burger, as well as orders for the original "right-handed" version.


-- Discover Magazine announced in 1995 that a highly respected biologist, Aprile Pazzo (Italian for April Fool), had discovered a new species in Antarctica: the hotheaded naked ice borer. The creatures were described as having bony plates on their heads that became burning hot, allowing the animals to bore through ice at high speed -- a technique they used to hunt penguins.

-- Noted British astronomer Patrick Moore announced on the radio in 1976 that at 9:47 am, a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event, in which Pluto would pass behind Jupiter, would cause a gravitational alignment that would reduce the Earth's gravity. Moore told listeners that if they jumped in the air at the exact moment of the planetary alignment, they would experience a floating sensation. Hundreds of people called in to report feeling the sensation.

Sleeping Pills

An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

The Bear

A very wealthy lawyer vacationed for several weeks each year at his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Each summer, he would invite friends to come to visit him.

One summer he invited a lawyer from Czechoslovakia to visit him. The friend, eager to see how a wealthy American vacationed, gratefully agreed. They had a wonderful vacation, and spent a great deal of time exploring the woods and enjoying the natural setting.

One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were walking through the woods, they were approached by two huge bears -- a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

Seeing this, the lawyer ran to his Mercedes and sped for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed a high-powered rifle and they raced back to the berry patch. Luckily, the bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing at the bear that had consumed his friend. "Quick -- shoot it. Maybe we can still save my friend!"

The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. His aim was true, and the female bear collapsed to the ground. The startled male fled into the woods.

"Why did you do that?" demanded the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"

A great one from Tedibear!

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry!"She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down,and sprays the contents onto him.The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..

"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

A cool orange contest!

GOFA 08 in Plus

GOFA 08 in Other Barks and Woofs

Yes, it's the third annual "Go Orange For Animals" contest, being held by Meaty and Oz. Tag your favourite orange themed pic "GOFA 08" and you're in the running for some super prizes! You'll also be helping raise awareness for the ASPCA's Go Orange campaign!

Come, Rosie, come!

I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked "Electronic cat and dog caller -- guaranteed to work." I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.

You know you are owned by a dog when...

You have a mental list of people you would like to spay or neuter.
Running out of paper towels is a household crisis.
You stick fake reindeer antlers on the dog and photograph him for your Christmas cards.
Not only do family and friends think you go overboard with doggie holiday decorations, they have never seen the holy family depicted by dogs.
Your checks show a dog.
You pray they will someday manufacture Teflon furniture.
You absentmindedly pat people on the head or scratch them behind their ears.
You not only allow dogs on the couch, guests have to sit on the floor because the dog has "territorial issues."
You and your vet are on a first name basis.
You tell your children to "heel!" in a grocery store.
You know all the characteristics of a good "stool".

Riding lessons!

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

We're all Irish today!!

For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.

Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.

"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"

"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

More for St Pat's!

Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manyana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?" The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.", replied Brennan.

For St Patrick's.....

Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can
breed their own stock. They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the
brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the
bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599,
no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a
telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our
ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive
out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,

'It's just 99 cents a word.'

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She
realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to
send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here
to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
'comfortable'?

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it
very slowly................com-for-da-bull..

Reasons not to train a dog

Like to see the paw prints on my visitors clothes
The house is too orderly
Love the sound of barking in the morning, noon, afternoon, evening, and night
Want the Vet to get a new BMW
Garden and backyard need renovation, don't want to pay a gardener
Furniture looks too nice
Neighbors don't complain enough

Talent scout!

A talent scout is walking down the street and comes across a man and his dog. The little dog is singing. He has a lovely voice and the talent scout says, "Come to my office. I want to sign you and this marvelous dog to a contract. This dog can make us both rich."

The man brings his little dog to the talent scout's office. The little dog is just about to finish singing "La Donna E' Mobile," when a large dog runs into the room and grabs him by the scruff of the neck. She runs away with him in her mouth.

The talent scout yells, "Stop her. She's taking away our fortune!"

The man replies, sadly, "It's no use. That's his mother. She doesn't want him to be on stage. She wants him to be a doctor."

Singing to Critterbug

Smoke and Tess sent me the best toy ever! A laser pointer! It makes me want to sing!

Critterbug!
Critterbug!
Critterbug!
Critterb ug!


You put the boom-boom into my heart
You send my soul sky high when your shinin' starts
Critterbug into my brain
Goes a bang-bang-bang 'til my feet do the same

Wake me up before you glow-glow
Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo
Wake me up before you glow-glow
I don't want to miss it when you hit that light
Wake me up before you glow-glow
'Cause I'm not plannin' on going solo
Wake me up before you glow-glow
Take me shining tonight
I wanna chase that light (yeah, yeah)

A burglar is sneaking through this house one night, when out of the darkness comes a voice, "I can see you, and so can Jesus".

The burglar freezes in his tracks and is too frightened to move. After ten minutes, nothing has happened so he moves forward. Again from the darkness comes the voice, "I can see you, and so can Jesus". The burglar is petrified and too frightened to move a muscle.
After thirty minutes, he decides to do something. He backs very slowly and tentatively to the wall and feels around for a light switch. He switches on the light and there in front of him, sit a cockatoo in a cage, who says, "I can see you, and so can Jesus".

Greatly relieved, the burglar sighs, "It's just a bird". The cocky looks at the burglar and says, "I might be just a bird but Jesus is a big German Shepherd".

Well, I think he's a genius!

Great video that has mum howling!

Heidi's poop haikus!

only pooped once today
it was a good poop but small
better luck tonight

when i eat moo tubes
they always give me the splarts
the world is unfair

don't tie the bag yet
i'm going to move over
and poop some more here

How to Make Puppy Pie

Take one puppy, roll and play until lightly pampered,

then add the following ingredients.....

1 cup patience....

1 cup understanding....

1 pinch correction....

1 cup hard work....

2 cups praise and 1 1/2 cups fun...


Blend well.


Heat with warmth of your heart until raised or until puppy has doubled in size.


Mix with owner until consistency is such that owner and puppy are one.


Enjoy!

City Slickers

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers;
"Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required", answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog."

Real newspaper ads!

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat . been out a while.
Better be a reward.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.

AND THE BEST ONE :
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes
Excellent condition
$1,000 or best offer
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything..

Groan - very punny!

The orchestra is playing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. Towards the middle of the last movement one of the bassists pointed out that they didn't have to play for quite awhile and suggested to a companion that they sneak out to the bar across the street and have a couple of quick snorts. This was greeted with enthusiasm, and they both whipped over to the bar. After a bit the accomplice glanced at his watch and saw to his horror that they had only a minute to get back. "Not to worry", said the instigator, " I tied together the last few pages of the conductors score. We have plenty of time." They scurried back and watched the conductor fumbling with the score. Someone in the audience turned to his companion and asked what the hell was going on. The companion said, "It's the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded"

True story?

A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.
A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight. He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines! True story...?

Tired dog

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from
his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept
for an hour. This continued for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog
comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:
"He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

Cardboard Men...

My friend Tedibear told me this one!

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Katy Freeway last week.
So she eases her car over onto the shoulder of the road.

She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn't very long before an HPD police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the Blonde yelling, "What is going on here?

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer.


You are going to love this one!


Can't wait can you?



Now for the big ending!



"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House - part eight

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

13. Cat "Clubs"

When a group of humans who share a similar interest get together on a regular basis, it is often called a "club". Needless to say, cats thought of the idea first, and some of the cleverer humans have discovered that we have our own. Listed below are the ones that the humans have identified, along with their names for the clubs; for security reasons (in case this document falls into the hands of a human) the ones they haven't identified have not been listed. As with humans, cats are not restricted to membership in one club and may belong to many.

a) The "Lap Fungus" Club
Members of this club specialize in enslaving humans for the purpose of sleeping on their laps. As soon as a human is seated, his/her lap becomes available and should be occupied at once, after which time the cat can get as much attention as s/he wants. See also Laps. Club motto: "Sit down and I'll be your friend."

b) The "Chatterbox" Club
Members of this club love to talk to their humans, giving advice and/or criticism on practically anything they do. They are convinced that given enough time, they will be able to teach even the densest human how to take verbal commands. Club motto: "What do you mean, shut up?"

c) The "Garbage Truck" Club
Members of this club firmly believe that human food is God's gift to cats and that the kitchen and/or dining room are the centre of the universe. Anything that falls onto the floor is to be eaten immediately, and if the cat can contrive to encourage the human to share voluntarily, so much the better. Hopping onto the counter to clean the plates or getting into the garbage can to check for leftovers are both considered acceptable, and the Master Garbage Truck is the one who can do this without getting squirted or otherwise "punished" by the humans. Club motto: "I'll help you clean that!"

d) The "Elephant Cat" Club
It is usual but not necessary for there to be more than one member of this club per household. "Elephant" cats for some perverse reason enjoy making their nocturnal games, such as "Kibble Soccer", "Tag", and "Rumpus Raising" (see Games) as noisy as possible by thundering around home and knocking things over or off the tables, counters, etc. They believe that half the fun is getting the human to participate too. Club motto: "Did you see the look on his face when..."

e) The "Bed Hog" Club
Cats who are members of this club like to sleep in their humans' bed. Of course, in order to sleep comfortably a cat needs some room and it is often necessary to push the sleeping humans around a bit to make it, especially if there are two humans and/or two or more cats. In households with more than one club member, skilled cats who cooperate can make the humans resemble pretzels (which are great snacks, by the way) by morning or even fall out of the bed entirely. Club motto: "Move over, you big lummox!"

f) The "Early Breakfast" Club
Cats belonging to this club love to walk into their human's bedroom at some early hour, say, 1 a.m. They then awaken the human (see Waking Them Up and Mornings) insisting on being fed. These cats believe that their humans can be trained to be awake during prime play time. Be aware, however, that humans are stubborn and may instead lock cats out of the bedroom, squirt them or do other anti-social things instead of feeding them. Club motto: "Life begins after midnight."

g) The "Door Into Summer" Club
This Club mainly performs its activities during the cold months or when it is raining. After a human obeys the master's command to open a door and a blast of cold air fills the room or rain splashes the cat, the cat wrinkles his/her nose and walks away. The ritual continues at each door in the house (sometimes including closets) until the human either kicks the cat out the door, or decides to ignore the cat altogether. In the first case, the cat must bounce up to the window and squawk to be let in while looking as pathetic as possible. In the second, the cat must attempt to make the human want to let him/her out. See Hampering for suggestions. Club motto: "Just because it's nasty out front doesn't mean it is at the back."

h) The Heat-Seeking Missile Club
These cats believe in keeping warm at all costs. The best method is to lie right up against the heating vent. Make sure all the warm air is absorbed into your fur. Careful grooming will be necessary to prevent a bad dandruff problem. When the heat is not running, more creative solutions must be found. Caving into the cat bed, human bed, or any afghan or blanket available is good. It's best if the blanket was already mounded up, so that the cat is completely invisible underneath. As a last resort, curl up on a lap or with another cat. Club motto: "It's cold out there!"

i) The "Fraidy Cat" Club
To this club belong the cats of nervous and/or neurotic disposition. Any strange object or human is to be treated as a mortal danger until it is absolutely it isn't dangerous. They even have to keep an eye on the humans they know, just in case. These cats know all of the good hiding spots in the house/apartment, including the ones that humans swear no cat could fit into, and are generally of little use to anybody except when it is checkup time at the vet's and it is important to be invisible. Club motto: "Yeek! What's that?"

14. Bad Weather

Bad weather, in the form of rain, snow, and/or excessive cold or heat, is always the fault of the humans. If the weather is inclement when the human opens the door to let you out, back away hastily and try another door. See also the "Door into Summer" Club. Be sure to stare accusingly at the human during this session. If all doors have the same bad weather and you manage not to get booted out, hop onto a window sill and gaze mournfully out at your domain. Then try again in about half an hour.

15. On Kittenhood

Being a kitten is probably the best time of a cat's life. As a kitten, you can do almost anything and get away with it because, as the humans say, "Aww, (s)he's so cute!" Practice the "butter won't melt in my mouth" Look of Total Innocence now, as it is much more effective than when you are full-grown and "should know better". Even if you are caught in the act of some mischief, the Look can can considerably reduce the scolding, and if mixed with the appropriate amount of fake penitence, get you picked up and cuddled.

Be sure to make full use of all your excess energy by tearing around the house at full speed, attacking anything that moves, climbing the drapes, scooting across tables, counters and shelves, taste-testing plants and cords, and generally driving the humans crazy. When exhausted, flop down anywhere comfortable and sleep. After waking up, eat and continue the fun! You will quickly learn that night-time is the best time for playing because so many things can hide in the shadows.

16. Conclusion

Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth-running household.

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House - part seven

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

11. Vets And Medicine

The vet is the person to whom your human will take you when you are sick. The place smells funny, there are usually other cats and dogs in the waiting room, and awful things like needles and pill prescriptions will happen there. The usual result is that you will get better, which is good, but you just can't let those humans cathandle you. The following are some tips for dealing with vets and medicine.

a) Unless you are really sick, when you see the carrier come out, run and hide somewhere inaccessible, such as under the bed or behind a couch. Once the human finally grabs you, struggle gamely. Splay your legs out so that it is difficult to cram you into the carrier. If the human is trying to put you in with another pet, try to allow the other pet to bolt out the door. In the car, meow plaintively all the way down to the vet's. If possible, reach through the bars of the portable prison and try to claw the human as s/he drives. At the vet's, splay your legs and brace yourself against the carrier's walls if you can so that they can't dump you out easily.

b) If you are well enough, you must resist attempts to feed you pills or any liquid medicine. As soon as you hear the pill bottle rattle, hide as in part a). Resist attempts to open your mouth. Squirming is good. Once the medicine is in, try to spit it out, preferably by shaking your head vigorously. If the humans manage to get the pill into to your mouth and are still holding you waiting for you to spit it out, swallow, but keep the pill in your mouth. Then after being let go, find a suitable hiding place and spit it out. Make sure that the humans do not find the hiding place, so they think that you took the pill. Don't use the same hiding place twice. Refuse any food that looks or smells like it may have had medicine sprinkled on it. Unfortunately, humans can be really unfair and put it in tuna. In this case, accept grudgingly. Look aggrieved after the medicine session is over.

12. Illness

a) If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.

b) When you get sick in the house, you should hover around the general area until a human spots the mess. You should act as if you are guarding the stuff for the human and then quickly vacate the room.

c) If taken outside, you should take every opportunity to scarf down as much grass as possible (while not being spotted). After ingesting a "critical mass" amount, whine and scratch at the door to be let back in the house. After entering the house head for the traditional illness locations and let it rip.

d) If the urge strikes at night when your human is asleep, you can retch as loudly as possible so that the human will wake up. That failing, choose a location where the human's bare foot is likely to find it. They don't see very well in the morning and need assistance in locating the mess. If the human has neglected you by leaving (see Mornings), cover the fruits of your labours with whatever is handy, such as papers from the desk. That way you can soil another object besides the carpet.

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House - Part six

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994


10. Humans

Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house.

One way to keep your human healthy is through agility training. You can do this by running ahead of your human, maintaining a distance of about one and a half of the human's paces, and suddenly stopping to clean yourself. If the human doesn't trip over or boot you (a very real hazard, especially from beginner humans), s/he is fit and able to avoid all sorts of danger in his/her world. A bonus from this exercise is that the sight of the human will be very amusing and you can share the experience with your friends on the back fence.

10.1 Waking Them Up

It is not known why humans like to sleep when it gets dark, just when the day is young and the masters of the house are fresh and ready for play. It is known, however, that sleeping humans are boring to be around and that they occasionally must be roused to attend to our needs, such as to get fresh food or water or to retrieve a toy that was batted under the sofa. Almost all of them strongly dislike being dragged out of bed in their so-called "wee hours". Some will even pretend to be asleep even when we know they're not, hoping we'll give up and go away. Persistence is the key to success in any case.

One effective method of rejuvenating a dormant human is the "direct approach", namely jumping on the bed and doing one or more of the following: trampling, licking and/or nibbling any exposed parts, purring, meowing, head-butting, light taps on the eyes, or playing "Catch Mouse" or "King of the Hill". This may only result in your being ejected from the bed, but at least you now have the human's attention.

If the human is being stubborn, you may have to resort to more drastic tactics, such as ripping down posters, rattling blinds, knocking over and looting a wastebasket, knocking items off the dresser, singing at the top of your voice, or even curling up on the human's head (often the only visible part). As well as being warm, in this way you will be aware of any movement made by the human, probably even before he is aware of it. You will be unlikely to wait for long. Another effective tactic is to jump, walk or knead on the human's abdomen, where the bladder is located. If the human hasn't been to the Big White Drinking Bowl during the night you can be sure of a rapid response. Eventually the human will get up and do what you want, usually employing some bad language while doing so.

Warning: It is not advised to do this on a regular basis. It will very likely result in your being "banished" from and denied access to the bedroom altogether, in which case it becomes much more difficult to get them to respond to your wishes. Thumping the door or yowling may be initially effective, but will likely result in being further banished to the basement or even the kitty carrier! Discretion is thus strongly recommended.

Of course, if the human gets up on his own in the wee hours to go to the bathroom, you are free to get him to do your bidding while he is too sleepy to put up much resistance.

10.2 Mornings

In order to provide and care for you, the humans must leave the domain every morning (usually before you take your first cat nap). To help them on their way, either yowl loudly, massage their scalps with your claws, gently bounce on top of them in bed, knead their chests, purr, and/or drool on them. See also "Waking Them Up". The best time to do this is about 24 minutes before their clock begins to blare or ring. We must protect them from the noise because it could ruin their sense of hearing.

10.3 Guests

a) Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap. If you can arrange for particularly bad "tuna breath", so much the better.

b) For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white-furred cats go to black wool clothing. Note: Velvet takes precedence over all other cloth.

c) For the guest who exclaims, "I love kitties!", be ready with aloof disdain, apply claws to stockings or arms, or use a quick nip on the ankle.

d) When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to force your humans to reveal that they tolerate this behavior when company is not there.

e) Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything, just sit and stare.

10.4 Laps

Undoubtedly the best way to get attention from a human is to jump in his/her lap and purr. Few humans can resist because it makes them think you like them (which may even be true!). Ear scratches, belly rubs, back stroking: all these and more can be yours. Some cats like this treatment a little TOO much and acquire the silly name "Lap Fungus". Lap sessions also provide golden opportunities for shedding; be sure to take advantage of clothes which contrast with your fur (see also "Guests"). Unfortunately, humans have the annoying tendency to want to get up to do their mundane activities, like answering the thing that rings or going to the Big White Drinking Bowl. Protest this disturbance with accusing looks and plaintive meows. Some laps may require "softening up" with a little kneading; just be sure not to use the claws or you may have an unexpected flying lesson!

10.5 Confusing Them

Humans (for the most part) love order and predictability. They especially like their pets to be predictable. So if you are in the mood to indulge in a little low-risk mischief, behaving irrationally is an excellent option. The usual method is to simply tear around the house at top speed talking to yourself and perhaps launching a frenzied attack on an unsuspecting toy. If there are two or more cats in the household, you can take turns chasing and wrestling with each other. This is usually good for a shake of the head from the human, along with "Crazy cat(s)" muttered under his/her breath.

Another way to baffle the humans is to interrupt your passage across a carpet (at whatever velocity) with a sudden vertical leap into the air. Then continue on as if nothing had happened. If you're skilled enough, you may be able to convince the human(s) that there are "rug worms" in the house. A third way, which isn't quite as fun as the others but which tends to get better reactions from the humans, is to stare fixedly at a blank wall, turned-off TV, corner of the room, or whatever, and pretend to carry on a conversation with another cat. The humans, who may already be convinced that you're from outer space, will think you're talking to your friends, the "Jupiter People". If they start talking about mailing you to Mars, it's a good idea to lay off this prank for a while.

10.6 Organization

Let's face it, humans are a disorganized lot. They need constant supervision in order to get things done right and on time, such as feeding their masters, retrieving lost toys, etc. Humans also need assistance in keeping their masters' home organized. They have to be continually reminded that things belong on the floor, not on shelves, bookcases, tables or dressers where accessing them may be inconvenient for their masters. It will be up to you to keep your household properly organized. Feel free to take items such as pens, buttons, waste paper (such as the stuff they call "tax return"), and unsuitable toys and relocate them to better spots, such as the water bowl, under the stove, or down the hot-air ducts (humans are always grateful if you do this with tax returns). This should be done when the humans aren't around, as they will always interfere. When the human discovers your handiwork, he will praise you with such sayings as "Stupid cat!" and "You little monster!" At this point, you should say "You're welcome!" with purring and rubbing against his/her legs.

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House - Part five

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

7. Scratching Posts

It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't help, as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no! Some humans come equipped with "jeans", which can be scratched without inflicting too much injury. Attempts to climb up them will result in further attention, albeit perhaps not the kind you wish.

8. The Vacuum Cleaner

This appalling Beast is known by many names, Cat Eater being the most prevalent. Normally pliable, agreeable humans will turn into raging monsters while under Its influence, running around the house sucking up all the carefully shed cat hair and terrorizing the feline residents with evil glee. Nothing can stop It until the influence is over and the foul device is put back into Its closet. All you can do is run and hide when you hear the engine roar to life and hope that It doesn't find you. On some occasions, however, the humans are forced to open up the vacuum cleaner and remove a swollen, dusty bag from within. This is Its stomach, and must be destroyed if you can get the chance. Do not worry if the human yells at you, for the yell is really that of the Beast in pain.

9. Doors

To get a door opened, stand on your hind legs and hammer it with your forepaws and/or yowl. Once the door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Protest if the human uses a foot to "encourage" you to leave.

If a human goes into a room, especially the bathroom, and closes the door to exclude a cat, meow pathetically and try to stick your paws under the door to open it. If the human relents, lets you in and then closes the door, immediately demand to be let out. If the human lets you out and closes the door, immediately demand to be let in again. This is especially fun when it's the bathroom and there are guests. This game can be played until the human wises up and hoses you with a squirt gun. Scuttle out of range and wash yourself, to pretend that the assault on your Dignity didn't happen.

Sometimes doors can be opened by cats without the aid of humans. Such doors must be kept open for the cat(s) to investigate within at any time. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs; their nickname "Tail-Biter" tells it all.

If a door that is usually kept closed, such as a closet door, is opened, you must immediately rush in to investigate to see if anything has changed since the last time you were in there. Resist the human's attempts to remove you before you have completed your investigation. Protest loudly when the human removes you anyways.

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House - Part four

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

6. Supervising (a.k.a. Hampering)

It is well known that humans are incapable of performing even the simplest of tasks without feline supervision and/or assistance. This supervision is absurdly known by the humans as "hampering". If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and any others are idle, stay with the busy one. It would take a large book to describe all of the activities which need to be supervised, so only a condensed list is presented below.

a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure the maximum amount, or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump at the back of the paper. They love surprises.

f) As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs; when they have something in their arms; in the dark; and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

g) Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

h) When a human is attempting to "make the bed", hop on it and curl up in the middle, or pounce on the sheet the human is trying to rearrange. If the human tries to ignore you by covering you with the sheets, move around and try to mess things up. Protest loudly when you're evicted.

i) Laundry presents many opportunities to hamper (hence the other name for the laundry basket, the laundry hamper). Laundry fresh from the dryer is a perfect bed, since it is warm and soft. As soon as it is put on the bed for sorting, arrange yourself for a nap. If the human removes you, keep returning until the laundry isn't warm anymore. Now it's play time. Pounce on anything the human tries to move around for folding, especially socks and nylons. For added fun, grab a sock and hide under the bed.

j) When a human is working at a computer, s/he isn't paying attention to you. Fortunately, this problem is easy to remedy. You can easily obstruct the human's view of the screen with your beautiful tail, or if it's low enough, with your even more beautiful body. Trampling on the keyboard is always good for some attention as well. Pay special attention to the keys marked "Esc", "Del", and "Brk". If you need to nap while supervising your human, good places are the keyboard, on top of the plastic thing with the cord that the humans laughably call a "mouse", or on the human's arms. If the human insists on removing you from these choice locations, there's always the lap. If possible, while in the lap try to drape yourself on one of the human's arms.

k) Guidelines for where to sit or lie down.

1) It is considered bad form to lie on the bare floor, couch, or bed. An exception is made for the human's favourite chair, which you are allowed to sit on no matter what (or who) is there.

2) On a bed, there will often be laundry or clothes lying there. It is your duty to lie on them to get your beautiful fur on them. If there is a choice, choose either the cleanest item or the item which contrasts most strongly with your fur. If your human protests, act cute.

3) It is also your duty to lie in an area that makes your human contort to the greatest extent if s/he wishes to share the bed/couch with you.

4) Even resting on a book or a newspaper on the floor is preferable to just lying on the floor. Newspapers are particularly important to sleep on if your human has them on the floor for his/her reading convenience.

5) Select a chair to sleep on that hampers your human the most. For example, if your human is doing a craft on the kitchen table to prevent your interference, it is your duty to take a nap on the chair your human would like to be sitting in. No other chair at the kitchen table will do.

6) If kicked off any preferred seating, it is of critical importance that you not immediately go about your business. You must either sit still for a time, washing yourself to save face, or lie on the floor to make your human feel guilty. If the human cheats by moving your resting chair and/or sitting in a different one (in a situation such as the kitchen table example above), you may be able to continue hampering by jumping into the human's lap. If the human has to get up to get something and dumps you off, immediately occupy the chair and look smug. Of course, the human will just switch chairs or remove you again. This game can be played for hours.

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House - Part three

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994



5. Play

This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favourite cat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time.

5.1 Games

a) "Catch Mouse". The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumoured to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumour also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!

b) "King of the Hill": This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theatre into account.

Warning: Playing games (a) and (b) to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.

c) "Tag" (Also known by humans as "Charge of the Light Brigade"): Obviously this game also requires two or more cats, and may include a dog as well. One cat is "it". The other(s) chase him around the apartment until they catch up to him. Then follows the "Scrum", after which the cat who caught the other becomes "it" and is chased around. Great fun, but has the greatest potential for loss of Dignity from maneuvers such as the Throw Rug Wipeout and the Non-Carpeted Floor Skid. Whenever such a situation occurs, all feline participants must immediately wash themselves. Dogs are generally too stupid to do this and may continue to play. In this case, the dog automatically becomes "it" and should be subjected to the Pileup.

d) "Tube Mouse": This is a game played in the bathroom. Next to the Big White Drinking Bowl is a roll of soft white paper which is artfully attached to the wall so that it can spin. Inside this roll is the Tube Mouse. When you grab the paper, the Tube Mouse will spin frantically as it tries to escape from you. When the Mouse is exposed, it dies of fright and stops spinning. But that's OK because you now have a great new toy to pounce on, play with, and shred! Part two of the game is to make the angry human believe that the other cat did it. This is related to another fun game, "Snowstorm", in which you try to make it look like a blizzard has occurred in the room. You can track shreds all over the house for greater enjoyment. Be warned that this variant often results in the coming of the Vacuum Monster.

e) "Fetch": Only dogs will run after a ball or stick that humans throw, take it back to them, and continue doing this until they drop. As established earlier, dogs are not bright. A dignified cat MAY fetch a ball for its human, but if the human persists in continually throwing the ball away, assume that the human truly does not want it, and leave it.

f) "Kibble Soccer": Any number of cats can play. The game begins when the referees go to bed. The player runs to the bowl where the dry cat food is kept, and executes a "place-kick." The player does this by attempting to kick one kibble from the bowl with a paw. Using the nose and tongue ("heading") is allowed, but this is considered bad form. Often the bowl must be tipped, rocked or rattled. Once the kibble is out of the bowl and in play, the player proceeds to bat it around the room as quickly as possible. This is accomplished with short alternating swipes with the front paws, running behind it as it moves (this is also known as the "kibble dribble"). If the kibble gets stuck at the intersection of two walls, the player must attempt to put it back into play with a "corner kick."

If the kibble is still on the playing field after 30 seconds, the player is awarded a point. She is then allowed to eat the kibble, after which she returns to the bowl to put the next one into play. No points are awarded for kibbles that are kicked out of the playing area (under the stove, behind the refrigerator, etc.). These are left for the cockroaches, and other spectators. The player must put a new kibble into play.

For equipment, any dry kibble will work, although Science Diet round kibbles roll particularly well. The referees control the pace of the game by waking up (usually after the first few points have been scored) and imposing obstacles between the player and the kibbles. The referees do this by placing covers on top of the bowl, placing the bowl on a counter top or shelf, or otherwise hiding it. An advanced player is measured by the degree of ingenuity displayed in overcoming the obstacles between herself and the kibbles and resuming the game.

The game ends when all the kibbles are eaten or out of the playing field, or when a referee puts the player in the penalty box.

g) "Rumpus Raising"

Step 1: Warm up by tearing through the hallways and over furniture at high speeds. Be sure to drag your claws and make zzzzzrt noises on the rugs. Furniture that is off limits during the daytime makes great springboards. (Even more fun with two or more participants.) Important style points are gained during this step. 2 extra points if you get a yell from a judge.

Step 2: Find objects that make noise and activate them. Door stoppers that go SPROOOOOOOONGONGONGONG when you run by them, wind chimes and blinds that rattle when disturbed, and loose objects that go thud when they hit the carpet are best. Technical points are awarded in this step. The more complex the device the better. 5 points for knocking over the phone so it goes BEEP BEEP BEEP *Please hang up* BEEP BEEP...

Step 3: Make the loudest possible noise. Glassware and remote controls are useful here. It might be beneficial to slightly open the judges' door before this step. Final creativity points are awarded now.

Step 4: Look innocently at the dog and fish when the judges storm into room and turn on the lights. Pretending to be asleep is good form. 5 bonus points if another pet gets blamed, and 7 points for style if the judges stub, trip or completely fall over the objects knocked over!

h) "Skiing"

This game is played when your human has the newspaper lying on the floor for reading. Run down a hallway toward the newspapers at full speed, leap onto the paper and see how far you can slide. The slippery advertisements are best for this. This game is even more fun if your human is unaware that you are going to play. It can be followed by a good round of "Catch Mouse" (newspaper variant). It can also be played on throw rugs.

5.2 Toys

Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away anyway. Watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. Below are listed several types of cat toys.

a) Bright shiny things like keys, brooches or coins should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.

b) Dangly and/or stringlike things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favourites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your Dignity. Note that playing with shoelaces when the human is trying to tie them is another form of Hampering.

c) Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same colour as the bag, so they are hard to see, but you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result in a great Tag match.

d) Ignore anything that appears to be a store-bought cat toy. After all, in the old days, cats had to fashion their own toys. Store-bought toys are an affront to a "real" cat.

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House - part two

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994


2.1 Catnip

Most cats think that this strange-looking plant is Food of the Gods and better even than tuna. There are some, however, who are sadly deprived of the ability to enjoy this wonderful treat and will look upon the others with a mixture of confusion and disgust at the utter lack of Dignity of those partaking. If you are one of the latter, please skip to the next section.

Catnip is available in two forms, in the wild as an odd-looking plant that grows in delightfully fragrant, though often rather flattened, patches, and from the humans in a concentrated dried form. Unfortunately, the humans know of our weakness for catnip and will try to hold it out from us, often employing some very ingenious methods to do so. If the humans are careless enough to leave any catnip within reach, it is imperative to get it no matter what you have to tear apart to do so. Otherwise the humans will use it to attempt to coerce us to do things which would otherwise be beneath us.

The greatest hazard of catnip is that it causes those cats under its influence to utterly lose their Dignity. They roll around foolishly, purr at maximum volume, tear around the house at top speed, and do other things no sane cat would be caught doing. Do attempt to control yourself, especially if your humans have a "video camera" and are prone to using it.

3. Water

Water (also known as Cat Solvent) would be really great if it wasn't so wet! Dripping taps are the best sources of fresh water in the whole house. Toilets are the next best (but the water inside must be colorless and contain nothing!) Therefore it is imperative that any sound of running water be immediately investigated in case a free drink may be obtained. The bathtub is the best place to lurk in the bathroom when a human is present. A plaintive meow or two and perhaps hopefully licking the faucet usually will get most humans to turn on the tap for you. If the bathroom door is closed, demand entry noisily (see Doors). The water dish is to be used only as a last resort in case the humans leave the toilet lid down and the tub and sink are dry.

If a human has a sufficiently wide-mouthed glassful of liquid, immediately stick your face into the glass. If the opening is too narrow, dip your paw into the liquid, swirl it around, and give it the taste test. You may be pleasantly surprised to find beer or even milk! In any case, if the liquid is good, continue to sample, but only while your human is distracted. Some of the best water is ornamented with those cold, hard buoyant cubes that bob up and down in the liquid when pressed lightly. If your human protests, lick the condensation on the outside of the glass.

4. Sleeping

As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur colour. If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.

A) Snoring is not a talent unique to humans; if the cat is sharing a bed with two humans, the well skilled cat can cause one of the humans to be blamed/swatted/smacked for the deed by the other.

B) If your humans don't let you into the bedroom at night, make them suffer for it. Even if they give you a nice warm room of your own to sleep in at night, with a catflap to the outside world, that just isn't good enough. There are several ways of registering your disapproval.

a) Trash the room they give you to sleep in. After all, the humans don't sleep in it, so why should you?

b) Fight noisily with other cats in the neighbourhood, just outside their bedroom window. Make sure that you appear in the morning with as many fresh scars as possible. Spend some time perfecting an aggrieved "Well, I wouldn't have all these injuries if you only let me sleep in the bedroom at night" expression.

c) When they finally rise and take a shower or a bath, locate the appropriate drain pipe and yowl up it. That amplified and disembodied "Meow" is sure to surprise them, as is the length of time you can do this without getting hoarse.

d) When they finally come downstairs, and call for you, refuse to use the catflap to enter the house. There's a perfectly good front door they can open. Of course, if they should anticipate you by opening the front door and calling, ignore them. You should only appear by the front door and yowl once they've closed it again.

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House
Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994


1. Introduction

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. Food

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.

b) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.

c) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from.

d) The best times to inform humans of your dish's emptiness are when they are unable to ignore you, such as when they are sleeping or on the toilet. If you insist on waking a human at what it considers a "ridiculously early hour" for breakfast, be warned that the human may be as likely to throw you outside or in the basement as to feed you.

e) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent; your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave. If you can't be bothered to eat the food you've just caught, be considerate and don't waste it; it makes a perfect gift for humans! Carefully pick it up and carry it to the human's house and, if the door is closed, leave it on the doorstep. If the door is open, or there is a cat-flap, take it inside and leave it somewhere highly visible. The gift will be even more welcome if it is still alive! Live birds and mice make the best gifts as humans love a good game of chase just as much as you do, although be careful not to help them; it's their gift after all.

f) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.

g) Coffee is known to be rejuvenating for both cats and humans. Whenever a human sets a cup of coffee on the floor within your reach, s/he is showing you great respect and worship. Softly blow the divine liquid until cool (you may even put your paw in it to make sure the temperature is just right) and then daintily drink it.

h) Occasionally there will be disagreements over what you and the humans will deem as edible. The appropriate action, should the stuff in question be too repulsive to ignore, is to bury it. Scratch at the floor and try to drag over objects to cover the offending item. This informs the ignorant human that it really belongs in the litter box.

A frog calls a psychic

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.

Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
A: To take over the other side.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?
A: To get to the other tide.

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Dr. Phil:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

Oprah:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

George W. Bush:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

Colin Powell:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

Anderson Cooper:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

John Kerry:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

Nancy Grace:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

Pat Buchanan:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

Martha Stewart:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

Ernest Hemmingway:
To die in the rain. Alone.

Grandpa:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

Barbara Walters:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

Friedrich Nietzsche:
All truly great thoughts are conceived by walking, therefore we may simply conclude that this chicken was highly evolved and wanting to ponder the concept of good and evil. We must ask ourselves not the question of why did he cross, but why he chose that particular road.

John Lennon:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

Aristotle:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Bill Gates:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^C% ........ reboot.

Sigmund Freud:
Let us examine the Chicken’s subconscious reasons for wanting to cross roads. Do we know anything about his parents?

Albert Einstein:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Al Gore:
I invented the chicken!

Colonel Sanders:
Did I miss one?

Dick Cheney:
Where's my gun?

Those brilliant Border Collies - I bet my pal Bertie could learn to do this!

Gladiator Dog is the coolest video! Don't worry, no dogs were hurt, it's just very good acting! Enjoy!

Bwaa Haa Haa!!!

Roxi had quite the Valentine's day! We should feel guilty about laughing - but we can't stop giggling long enough!!

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Q: What do squireels give for Valentine's Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.

Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn't get a date.

Q: What is a ram's favorite song?
A: I only have eyes for ewe, Dear

What happens when you smile?

She smiled at a sorrowful stranger.
The smile seemed to make him feel better.
He remembered past kindness of a friend
And wrote him a thank you letter.
The friend was so pleased with the thank you
That he left a large tip after lunch.
The waitress, surprised by the size of the tip
Bet the whole thing on a hunch.
The next day she picked up her winnings.
The man on the street was grateful,
And gave part to a man on the street.
For two days he'd had nothing to eat.
After he finished his dinner
He left for his small dingy room.
He didn't know at that moment
That he might be facing his doom.
On the way he picked up a shivering puppy
And took him home to get warm.
The puppy was very grateful
To be in, out of the storm.
That night the house caught on fire.
The puppy barked the alarm.
He barked till he woke the whole household
And saved everybody from harm.
One of the boys that he rescued
Grew up to be President.
All this because of a simple smile
That hadn't cost a cent!

Hamlet's Cat's Soliloquy

To go outside, and there perchance to stay
Or to remain within: that is the question:
Whether 'tis better for a cat to suffer
The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather
That Nature rains on those who roam abroad,
Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet,
And so by dozing melt the solid hours
That clog the clock's bright gears with sullen time
And stall the dinner bell. To sit, to stare
Outdoors, and by a stare to seem to state
A wish to venture forth without delay,
Then when the portal's opened up, to stand
As if transfixed by doubt. To prowl; to sleep;
To choose not knowing when we may once more
Our readmittance gain: aye, there's the hairball;
For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob,
Or work a lock or slip a window-catch,
And going out and coming in were made
As simple as the breaking of a bowl,
What cat would bear the household's petty plagues,
The cook's well-practiced kicks, the butler's broom,
The infant's careless pokes, the tickled ears,
The trampled tail, and all the daily shocks
That fur is heir to, when, of his own free will,
He might his exodus or entrance make
With a mere mitten? Who would spaniels fear,
Or strays trespassing from a neighbor's yard,
But that the dread of our unheeded cries
And scratches at a barricaded door
No claw can open up, dispels our nerve
And makes us rather bear our humans' faults
Than run away to unguessed miseries?
Thus caution doth make house cats of us all;
And thus the bristling hair of resolution
Is softened up with the pale brush of thought,
And since our choices hinge on weighty things,
We pause upon the threshold of decision.
--shakespaw

Dogs as Teachers

If a dog were your teacher you'd learn stuff like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure
ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest--practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and flop under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and
pout. Run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle
them gently.

Cats at church

Johnny's mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat.
He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it.
She smiled and went about her work.
A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.
She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"
Johnny looked up at her and said,
"He should have thought about that before he joined my church."

Dogmas

You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. 'Cause they see change on the street all the time and it's driving them crazy. When you're walking them. He is always looking up at you. "There's a quarter..."
- Jerry Seinfeld

Words to live by:
"Dear God, Please help me to be the person my dog thinks I am."


"On judgement day if God should say, "Did you clean your house today?"
I will say, "I did not, I played with my dogs and I forgot."

Some funny riddles!

What kind of dog can use the phone?
A Dail-Matian

What kind of dog would you find in a cave?
a Bat Terrier

Which dog is very obedient?
a Sit Bull Terrier

What do you get when you cross a small dog and a large boat?
a Ship Tzu

What did the hungry Dalmatian say after his meal?
"That hit the spots!"

Why are Dalmatians no good at "Hide and Seek"?
They're always spotted!

What dog will laugh at any joke?
A chi-ha-ha

Where do the dogs go for the Macy's Thanksgiving parade?
New Yorkie

What's black and white and red all over?
an embarrassed Dalmatian

Chicken Engineering at Its Finest

In a recent issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors quoted from ''Feathers,'' the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story:
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the airplane flies. The theory is that if the windshield can withstand the carcass test impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.
Apparently, the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, high-speed train they were developing.. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded a chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken not only shattered the windshield, but went through the engineer's seat, broke an instrument panel, and was imbedded in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to review the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the data thoroughly and had one recommendation: ''Use a thawed chicken.''

Return the dog

Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves. They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one. The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands. They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, “Okay, we'll give him one more try. We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!”

Kitty heaven!

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful -- she had to sleep in cold back alleys, where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way -- but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.
A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. The earth was no better for them than it was the cat. They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates.

One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.

The turtle picnic

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.

Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.

Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.

"NO!" Joe retorts. "We promised."

Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.

"Just for that, I'm not going."

For my POOP!! thread pals!

Dragging Their Feet

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969."
The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog poop, 20 feet back."

Identity crisis

Dog breed selector

So, you think your humans really wanted you? Or maybe it was some other breed...have them take this quiz and find out! We matched German Shepherd 96%, but the two closest matches were Belgian Tervuren and Australian Shepherd. Hmm, I wonder if mum would rather live with the Hollidog or Chase?? Nah, she loves me best!

I'm not endorsing this game at all!!

Travel IQ game
This is what my human's been doing, and it's taking time away from the serious business of tummy rubs if you ask me. Still, she's having fun, even if she hasn't managed to finish. That level 8 keeps tripping her up - I guess her Travel IQ isn't very high at all!

Maybe I need better bribes, Lyle!

These were supposed to be our 2008 holiday card. Yeah, like that's gonna happen! I don't like Reindeer ears . And I really, really don't like santa hats

That's me, helping keep Hallmark in business!!

Fun games for your pack!!

1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU ! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans bedtime.

2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused.(Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door.Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee.As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

Fetch!

Sticks!, Sticks! and more Sticks!

Playdate with Arko!

How many shepherds can you see?

Two here!

1. If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail.

2. A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

3. If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer.

4. People often write me and ask how I keep my wood floors so clean when I live with a child and a dog, and my answer is that I use a technique called Delusions of Cleanliness.

5. Old age means realizing you will never own all the dogs you wanted to.

6. No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversations as a dog does.

7. A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

8. A dog owns nothing, yet is seldom dissatisfied.

9. Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.

10. The dog was created especially for children. He is the god of frolic.

11. Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

12. If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

13. Women and cats do as they darn well please, and men and dogs had best learn to live with it.

14. If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

15. A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

16. If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.

17. Reverence: the spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a man.

18. Giving a man space is like giving a dog a computer: the chances are he will not use it wisely.

19. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

20. The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

21. When two dogs fight for a bone, and the third runs off with it, there's a lawyer among the dogs.

22. Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

23. Flattery looks like friendship, just like a wolf looks like a dog.

24. Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

Join us in the GSD forums for Poop and singing!!

Red and yellow and pink and green
Purple and orange and blue
I can poop a rainbow,
Poop a rainbow,
Poop a rainbow too.

Listen with your eyes,
Listen with your ears,
and poop everything you eat,
I can poop a rainbow,
Poop a rainbow too.

Red and yellow and pink and green
Purple and orange and blue
I can poop a rainbow,
Poop a rainbow,
Poop a rainbow too.

TOP 14 SUPER POWERS COVETED BY DOGS

14. Invisibath -- The power to disappear at the first sound of bath water
13. ViseHump -- The leg hump grip of steel
12. AquaField -- Immunity to bucket of cold water when busy in driveway
11. Skeetvision-- The ability to shoot laser beams from your eyes to blast that darn Frisbee out of the sky
10. SuperBladder -- Loaded with Toxi-Urine -- One lift of the leg and this townis mine!
9. SquirrelFreeze
8. ButtTelepathy/ButtSniffery -- Two powers which when combined allow one to smell another dog's butt without actually having to get up and move around.
7. John-O-Matic -- Turns any toilet bowl into a punch bowl by sheer force of will.
6. ChuckSpeed -- Ability to catch that friggin' Wagon Train.
5. Anti-Psych-Out -- Immunity to all that "fake throw"nonsense.
4. VacuCalm -- Utter self-control whenever the vacuum cleaner is turned on.
3. GucciTract -- An invincible digestive system that sustains itself entirely on designer shoes.
2. King Fido's Touch -- Everything you touch turns into poop

And the #1 Super Power Most Coveted by Dogs...

1. DoberMorph -- Ability to change into a Doberman anytime
someone rolls up a newspaper.

Vote early and vote often!!

Dazzle is in a contest! Oh, you have to watch her video, she is so clever! You can vote by leaving her a bone - and you can vote once a day. Trust me, you want to see this!

Why own a dog?

Why own a dog? There's a danger you know,
You can't own just one, for the craving will grow.
There's no doubt they're addictive, wherein lies the danger.
While living with lots, you'll grow poorer and stranger.
One dog is no trouble, and two are so funny.
The third one is easy, the fourth one's a honey.
The fifth one delightful, the sixth one's a breeze,
You find you can live with a house full with ease.
So how 'bout another? Would you really dare?
They're really quite easy but oh, Lord the hair!
With dogs on the sofa and dogs on the bed,
And crates in the kitchen, it's no bother you've said.
They're really no trouble, their manners are great.
What's just one more dog and just one more crate?
The sofa is hairy, the windows are crusty,
The floor is all footprints, the furniture dusty.
The housekeeping suffers, but what do you care?
Who minds a few noseprints and a little more hair?
So let's keep a puppy, you can always find room,
And a little more time for the dust cloth and broom.
There's hardly a limit to the dogs you can add,
The thought of a cutback sure makes you sad.
Each one is so special, so useful, so funny.
The vet, the food bill grows larger, you owe money.
Your folks never visit, few friends come to stay,
Except other dog folks, who all live the same way.
Your lawn has now died, and your shrubs are dead too,
But your weekends are busy, you're off with your crew.
There's dog food and vitamins, training and shots.
And entries and travel and motels which cost lots.
Is it worth it, you wonder? Are you caught in a trap?
Then that favorite dog comes and climbs in your lap.
His look says you're special and you know that you will
Keep all of the critters in spite of the bill.
Some just for showing and some just to breed.
And some just for loving, they all fill a need.
But winter's a hassle, the dogs hate it too.
But they must have their walks though they're numb and you're blue.
Late evening is awful, you scream and you shout
At the dogs on the sofa who refuse to go out.
The dogs and the dog shows, the travel, the thrills,
The work and the worry, the pressure, the bills.
The whole thing seems worth it, the dogs are your life.
They're charming and funny and offset the strife.
Your life-style has changed. Things won't be the same.
Yes, those dogs are addictive and so is the dog game!!

Guard Duty

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening Marine, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a German Shepherd, the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

10 more reasons that dogs are smarter than humans!

The 2007 Darwin Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1.When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2.The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3.A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4.After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5.An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6.A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7.Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8.As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9.The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan, at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10.When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

15 Things that Bug Dogs

There isn't much out there that bugs a dog. But there are times when things can get under the skin of even the "coolest" dogs. Here are some of their top pet peeves in dogs ... from the mouths of dogs themselves.

1. Leaving the toilet bowl lid down. Humans just don't understand that the water is cold, fresh and always tastes better there. For the little dogs that have never been able to "reach" this delightful experience – you don't know what you are missing.

2. Not sharing in the fruits of your labor. I don't mean "fruit" actually. I mean that beautiful, 1 ˝ -inch steak you cooked to such aromatic perfection. We're all part of the pack, right? Why am I not getting my share?

3. Not understanding my behavior. Okay, so I like to greet strangers by leaping on them. I like to chase my tail by that lead crystal vase you call an heirloom. I'm not misbehaving; I'm a dog for crying out loud. It's all good, and like shadow chasing, helps build eye-to-paw coordination.

4. Bathing. What is with the daily bath "thing" that humans do? And why do they inflict that obscenity upon me on occasion? Just when I think I am smelling fine, they bathe me. I really don't understand. I'm only going to go out and roll in "something" again. They just don't appreciate the effort it takes to get that perfect doggie odor.

5. Rushing me to potty. Don't they know that there is a true art to finding the right spot? Just because they did not get up in time, they are running late, they want me to "Hurry up and potty." Have a little respect. This is my chance to shine.

6. Being away. I love attention and being around people, noise and excitement. When you are away, at work, or running errands ... this is time away from me. Don't you know? It is ALL about me. Your life should revolve around me AND I can make you regret leaving me behind....

7. Nail trims. They are my nails – I spend lots of time growing them and here they come again touching my feet. I hate that!

8. Not letting me chase the squirrel. They torment me by placing a "glass wall" between me and lots of critters outside. How annoying. All I want to do is "play" with them. The other thing they do is restrain me with this thing called the leash. I want to run forward and I am pulled back. If they can't keep up, they should just let me go. What is a dog to do?

9. Catnip. Now this is one peeve that really annoys me. I see the cat roll and play and even cry out in joy in response to catnip. I smell it, eat it, lick it and ... nothing happens. Nothing. I don't get it.

10. Not letting me at the mailman. This is so unfair. I wait all day for the mailman and finally he comes. The anticipation is great. Then, they hold me back. Tell me to be quiet. Very annoying. They don't appreciate the fact that the mailman comes everyday and I single handedly scare him away. My bravery and courage are unappreciated.

11. When my owner is playing with the other dog or cat. This really hurts my feelings. Seeing MY owner play with someone else. It is all about me... They really don't understand.

12. Won't let me at the litter box. I think of it as an opportunity for a tootsie roll snack. My owners get all grossed out, run around and then actually deny me access to what I desire the most. I am actually helping to clean up. What's the problem?

13. Expecting me to be at their beck and call. For a treat – I have to do some little humiliating trick and pretend I like it. What about independence, freedom and respect?

14. Sharing the bed. I don't understand why I have to sleep on the floor. Why can't I have the bed and they sleep on the floor? I work hard all day and night. I protect my owners, guard the house and scare away invaders of my castle such as the mailman, cats, squirrels, and a multitude of other creatures. I should be pampered.

15. Rolling up the windows. I feel such joy from the little words, "wanna go bye bye." This gives me thoughts of having the window down with cool wind blowing through my hair, looking just dynamite as other dogs stare from the curbs in envy and awe. And just when I am really getting into it – head out, ear flapping, they roll up the window. Then I am forced to stare at other dogs going by with their heads out the window. Mega bummer.

...and one more for good measure:

16. Cats. What really makes me angry is the agility and grace of cats. They have the gifted ability to jump up on things and escape under things with such ease. I really wish I could do that. When I try to do that, I inevitably break or knock something over.

The Welcome

I hear it! I hear the car! HER car! And she's coming this way!

Oh, oh, I must run in and grab a gift! I must greet her with a gift!

Oh, ’BONK’ missed the step. No matter, I must hurry. Move over, doggy door! She's coming, she's coming!

Gift, gift, where, what, oh, oh, oh, ah! A plastic bottle she drinks from, right here on top of the container they call trash! Oh, perfect.

She's coming, she's coming! Oh, oh, oh...

The door! I hear the door sound that sounds right before she comes in!

Oh, it's OPENING! SHE'S HOME!

Oh, oh, ’wiggle, wiggle, wiggle’ I cannot be still! You're home! And look, look, I have this nice bottle! Oh, oh, you're home! YOU'RE HOME!

I have missed you so much, you've been gone hours, weeks, days, years! And so much has happened! A dog ran by and I chewed a tree and Pluto slept under the house and it rained a little!

Oh, oh, oh! You're home, you're home!

And you're touching me! I can't stand it, it's so marvelous! Oh, and you're speaking! “Murble, murble, good boy, murble, murble.”

YES! Your happy voice. Oh, I'm about to burst! I'm so happy, happy, happy! Yes! I want to jump! I'm not supposed to jump, but oh, oh, just a little jump!

”Off.”

Darn. Oh, I cannot be still.

I'll roll over and wiggle on my back! Oh, yes! She's rubbing me–my tummy, my head, my sides! Oh, oh,oh.

Now what? Now where's she going? Oh, oh, yes! Back to the room where we sleep at night! Great! It has the big pad we sleep on and ’L–E–A–P‘ I can get up here close to her.

And here she comes!

Oh, oh, oh! I can stand on my legs and put my paws around her neck and–uh oh. Can't lick with this bottle in my mouth. But it’s my present to her! Oh, oh, what to do? And she's rubbing me! But I want to lick her, oh, oh, I think I'm about to burst!


”Off.”

Oh, darn. Drop the bottle. Oh, YES! She’s coming back!

She took off the pieces she puts on her eyes, and I can stand and 'lick, lick' I love you, I love you, I love you, I love ’lick, lick, lick’ you taste so good, salty, sweet, I love that stuff you smear on your face every day, I love to lick it off, oh, oh, and you're rubbing me again!

My back, my head, my ears, oh, oh ’lick, lick, lick’. ”Murble, murble, Mickee, good boy, murble, murble.”

”Off.”

Darn.

I will lay here and watch her. Watch her peel her fur–it’s–not. It is very warm. I don’t know because I don’t think. How does she do that?

And I will get that look on my face that always makes her come and rub me. The look where I roll my eyes up, and keep my head flat here and she will come...and she's putting on her play skin! YES! We will play–sometime. My tail cannot be still. I am SO happy, happy, happy.

Now she’s going in the room with the wonderful water bowl! I LOVE that water bowl – always cool, clean water! She'll be out in just a minute, just a minute, just a.....yes, she's coming! She's here again.

Oh, oh, oh....

Now back to the room with the box that has pictures and sounds. Ah, I know what happens now. Yep, she's laying down on the big pad there. Now she'll sleep. But that’s okay.

She's HOME!


SHE'S home.

She's home.

And she smells tired. So I will lay beside her here and guard her and wait while she sleeps. And when she wakes up she won’t smell so tired. And we'll play and play.

S–i–g–h. I’ll just rest with her now, and smell her while she sleeps.

And wait again. For, the next thing that happens, HE'’LL be home.

And then, oh, oh, zzzzzzzzz........

-Written by Jana Mauney

MANAGEMENT INNOVATIONS AT TOP DOG FOOD COMPANIES

It's perfectly acceptable that employees go through other employees' trash cans.

Petting of subordinates is permitted.

All accounting figures are adjusted by a factor of 7.

Employees must wash hands before leaving the backyard and returning to their desk.

CHIP FEVER (Dogus Addictus)

SYMPTOMS:

Obsessive focus on all things related to dogs - seeing dog shapes in clouds and inkblots, finding dog references in unrelated conversations, pointing out other people's ability to own more dogs, going out of one's way to talk to other dog owners and to look at dog-related items. Narcolepsia manifesting itself through repetitive dreaming of dogs and all things related to dogs, and through inability to sleep without being pinned down by warm fuzzy object.

Symptoms may prevent patient from being productive at work, and from functioning socially. This illness is also highly contagious, and can be contracted via e-mail.

TREATMENT:

Addition of new dog is often a successful treatment. Although some cases have needed repeat treatments up to eight or nine dogs. Saturation point is unknown, although overdosage is very feasible.

If addition of new dog is not possible, patient should be distracted and kept busy. Acquisition of other items can temporarily soothe the need for a purchase, but patients must beware of shopping in areas containing dog-related items. If patient should see such a section of a store, the illness may become more severe.

Patient should also avoid other people with Chip Fever as they tend to exacerbate the illness. Those who have successfully overcome this illness should encourage caution and patience, as the patients are highly impulsive.

Fostering should not be considered a serious alternative as it often results in addition of a dog. Fostering should be considered more as a treatment for Spouseus Uncooperativeus.

MEDICAL SUGGESTION:

While this disease has been known to exist throughout human history, it has spread exponentially in the last few years. The increase in computer e-mail has corresponded with the rise in contagion, and is strongly suspected of being a new, serious means of communicating the disease. Those people on canine related e-mail lists should be forewarned of the possible risks of contracting the disease, and new methods of resisting contraction of the disease should be found.

I've been tagged

By Rowdy!!

Here are the rules of this game of tag in case you have never gotten the chance to play. When you're tagged you post 7 random facts about what you LOVE and put the rules in your diary. Then pick 7 fur friends and let them know they have been tagged. Post their names in your diary. You can either tag by giving rosettes or by sending pawmail!!
Here are 7 facts about me and love!!


1) I love my brother Vincent
2) I love my mum and dad
3) I love playing frisbee
4) I love skipping through mud or snow
5) I love to eat and get treats
6) I love to give kisses
7) I love pretty much everything and everyone!

Fetch!!

The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise.

"You need to make sure this dog runs around," the doctor said.

"Try playing a game of fetch."

"I can't play fetch with my dog," the blonde said. "Why not?" the doctor asked.

"Because," she replied, "He can't throw."

Jake is 5 and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and says,

'Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!'

Deep breath . 'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!'

and so it does ...

' A f r i c a n Elephant '

Rudolph's Ears

Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good job. Rudolph had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks.

However it wasn't his glowing proboscis that he wanted changed. He was proud of his
nose and the help he had given Santa because of it. No, he was sensitive about his long ears which were much more prominent than the ears of the average reindeer, or bear for that matter.

So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the pinna reconstructive surgery procedure, and since that time, January 1st has been celebrated as ... New Ears Day.

Free Rice

OK, it's not a joke, or even about dogs. But you all know I enjoy my fun - and here's a website where you can play a cool vocabulary game and earn a food donation at the same time!

http://www.freerice.com/index.php

Holiday stress diet

The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the holidays.

Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon Snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts
cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars

Midnight Snack:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)


------------------------------------------------------ --------------------------

Rules for This Diet

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS!

Musical pup!

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

A doggie Christmas promise

Christmas is for humans, and I will not ruin the surprises by opening all their presents.

Christmas light bulbs, Christmas ornaments, Christmas stockings, and tinsel from the Christmas tree are not food.

I am the alpha dog, therefore I do not need to protect my new Christmas rawhide from the omega dog by taking it outside to eat when the wind chill is -10 F.

I will not demolish the Christmas tree and drag the string of lights out into the backyard through the doggy door.

I will not dive into the Christmas tree to get the candy canes (which I will eat -- paper and all).

I will not eat my Christmas doggie treats until after they're out of the stocking!

I will not even THINK about going underneath the Christmas tree and piddling on the dining room rug.

I will not get into a fight with the bigger dog next door, making my human have to call the vet's at Christmas.

I will not get tangled up in the Christmas tree lights and pull the tree down while trying to get at a cat through the conservatory window.

I will not pee on Grandma's Christmas presents that are under her tree as soon as we enter her house.

I will not pee on the Christmas tree.

I will not steal the neighbor's Christmas light bulbs.

The bowl underneath the Christmas tree is not a dog dish. I will not drink from it. It will make me sick.

A Christmas Restructure

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavourable press (gas and solid waste).

We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!

Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose get red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'executive stress'.

As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:

1. The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

2. Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated.

3. The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.

4. The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

5. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order.

6. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one.

7. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement.

8. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

9. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

10. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

11. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line.

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinise the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number

Holiday Etiquette for dogs!

Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.


They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.


Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.


They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know: Don't pee on the tree - don't drink water in the container that holds the tree. Mind your tail when you are near the tree-if there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open - don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree


Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part: Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans - don't eat off the buffet table - beg for goodies subtly - be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa - don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach.


Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house - tolerate children - turn on your charm big time.


A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DON'T BITE HIM!!

Marking around the christmas tree

Marking around The Christmas Tree
What a doggie holiday
Just doing what comes naturally
Even though it's Christmas Day

Marking around The Christmas Tree
Gotta squirt each present twice
Spreading our scent on all this stuff
It's a doggie paradise

There may be some screaming when the humans rise at dawn
(but remember)
Grandma wraps her gifts in plastic
Hey - come on - it's nothing drastic

Marking around the Christmas tree
We just do what boy dogs do
Doing our duty gracefully
And we'll share our loot with you

Marking around the Christmas tree
All precautions were in vain
We must own everything we see
So we stake our doggie claim

Marking around the Christmas tree
We don't see the problem here
But if we're caught we know that we
Will be dragged off by the ear

People shout and tell us we are evil little curs
(but remember)
We're not trying to be snotty
YOU installed this indoor potty

Marking around the Christmas Tree
Gonna check our list off twice
When Santa visits, we know he
Can just sniff out who is NICE!

Christmas Dog

by Shel Silverstein

Tonight's my first night as a watchdog,
And here it is Christmas Eve.
The children are sleeping all cozy upstairs,
While I'm guardin' the stockin's and tree.

What's that now---footsteps on the rooftop?
Could it be a cat or a mouse?
Who's this down the chimney?
A thief with a beard--- And a big sack for robbin' the house?

I'm barkin', I'm growlin', I'm bitin' his butt.
He howls and jumps back in his sleigh.
I scare his strange horses, they leap in the air.
I've frightened the whole bunch away.

Now the house is all peaceful and quiet again.
The stockin's are safe as can be.
Won't the kiddies be glad when they wake up tomorrow
And see how I've guarded the tree.

Fa La La La La La!

By Dutchie Paws!

Deck the halls with Kongs and Milkbones
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Lap up nog ‘cause Mom is not home
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Unwrap all the Christmas presents
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
Sleep right through your time-out sentence
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

Dog hair falling all around us
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Steal a Christmas cookie for us
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Follow me in acts of chaos.
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
While I eat the gift for Dad’s boss.
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

Drink fish water, leave the guppies.
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Chase the New Year’s charming puppies
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
The only reason we’re still living.
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Is the kisses we’ll be giving.
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

What NOT to Get Your Dog for Christmas

1. A CD of cats meowing popular Christmas songs.

2. A chew toy with the head already gnawed off by his canine brother who chewed his way into the gift box around the 15th of the month.

3. A chew toy shaped like a shoe which he is immediately going to confuse with the right sneaker of your favorite pair.

4. Central A/C for his Dogloo when you're still using individual wall units that are barely up to cooling a small close-size area in your house.

5. Anything Garfield.

6. A remote control for the refrigerator door.

7. A knitted pink sweater that makes your macho doberman look like a poodle.

8. A deluxe pre-packaged treat-filled Christmas stocking that's large enough for you to use as a sleeping bag.

9. Doggie antlers when your near-sighted hunting relatives will be spending the holidays with you.

10. A stuffed toy dog with an angel's halo as a hint as to what he has to do to get more presents next year.

11. A doggie door between you and the suspicious butcher next door.

12. An audition for a diet dog food commercial where they feed him so much during retakes that he actually gains weight.

13. A piece of jewelry featuring a ceramic dog of his breed for you to wear.

14. His own i-pets.com credit card.

15. A cat.

Christmas Tagged

I've been Christmas tagged by Arko, Sasha and Brittany. Vincent has been tagged by Cookie. I have to write a letter and a list for Santa Paws, hmmm...

Dear Santa Paws.

I have been a very good girl this year. I barely chewed up anything, and I helped teach daddy not to leave flash drives on the table. I didn't catch any squirrels. I kissed our kitties and stopped before it turned into "tasting". I only stole toys from my brother about 20 times a day! So here's what I'd like.

1. For all dogs to have warm homes, full tummies and a lot of love.
2. A Kong Wubba or a new frisbee
3. A huge playdate with all my dogster pals, especially Bertie and my GSD forum friends.
4. A whole box of Cinnabones to myself.
5. Peace on earth, goodwill to all men and animals!

I haven't chosen my 5 to tag yet, I'm thinking!

Grandma got run over by our big dog!

By Dutchie Paws

In deference to all the wonderful Grandmas out there. I'm thinking here of the wacky Aunt from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

Grandma got run over by our big dog
Walking out of our house Christmas eve.
No one in the family saw it happen,
But as for me and Grandma, we believe.

She'd been drinkin' from the dog dish,
And we begged her not to go.
But she'd picked up the dog's biscuits,
And she stumbled out the door into the snow.

When rushed out to assist her,
To the scene where it went down.
There were paw prints on her sweater,
And incriminatin' dog drool on the ground.

Grandma got run over by our big dog
Walking out of our house Christmas eve.
No one in the family saw it happen,
But as for me and Grandma, we believe.

Now we understand that Grandma,
Isn't sharp as she once was.
'Cause for lunch she ate their kibble,
And that's a thing that Mama never does.

So for Christmas we told Grandma.
As we lint brushed off her clothes.
She could come and live at our house,
If she doesn’t mind a lick or a cold nose.

Grandma got run over by our big dog
Walking out of our house Christmas eve.
No one in the family saw it happen,
But as for me and Grandma, we believe.

Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of fig.
And a vanilla scented candle,
That was eaten by a dog that’s really big.

I've warned all my friends and neighbors.
Better watch out everyone."
‘Cause the dog can’t hold its licker,
In case Grandma takes the treats and tries to run.

Grandma got run over by our big dog
Walking out of our house Christmas eve.
No one in the family saw it happen,
But as for me and Grandma, we believe.

The 12 Days of Woofmas

On the 1st day of Christmas my true love gave to me
A Poodle in a doghouse

On the 2nd day of Christmas my true love gave to me
2 St. Bernards
and a Poodle in a doghouse

On the 3rd day of Christmas my true love gave to me
3 Cocker Spaniels
2 St. Bernards
and a Poodle in a doghouse

On the 4th day of Christmas my true love gave to me
4 Basset Hounds
3 Cocker Spaniels
2 St. Bernards
and a Poodle in a doghouse

On the 5th day of Christmas my true love gave to me
5 Golden Retrievers
4 Basset Hounds
3 Cocker Spaniels
2 St. Bernards
and a Poodle in a doghouse

On the 6th day of Christmas my true love gave to me
6 Boxers Boxing
5 Golden Retrievers
4 Basset Hounds
3 Cocker Spaniels
2 St. Bernards
and a Poodle in a doghouse


On the 7th day of Christmas my true love gave to me
7 Huskies Howling
6 Boxers Boxing
5 Golden Retrievers
4 Basset Hounds
3 Cocker Spaniels
2 St. Bernards
and a Poodle in a doghouse

On the 8th day of Christmas my true love gave to me
8 Sheepdogs snoring
7 Huskies Howling
6 Boxers Boxing
5 Golden Retrievers
4 Basset Hounds
3 Cocker Spaniels
2 St. Bernards
and a Poodle in a doghouse


On the 9th day of Christmas my true love gave to me
9 Chihuahuas chomping
8 Sheepdogs snoring
7 Huskies Howling
6 Boxers Boxing
5 Golden Retrievers
4 Basset Hounds
3 Cocker Spaniels
2 St. Bernards
and a Poodle in a doghouse

On the 10th day of Christmas my true love gave to me
10 Dalmatians dancing
9 Chihuahuas chomping
8 Sheepdogs snoring
7 Huskies Howling
6 Boxers Boxing
5 Golden Retrievers
4 Basset Hounds
3 Cocker Spaniels
2 St. Bernards
and a Poodle in a doghouse

On the 11th day of Christmas my true love gave to me
11 Labs a laughing
10 Dalmatians dancing
9 Chihuahuas chomping
8 Sheepdogs snoring
7 Huskies Howling
6 Boxers Boxing
5 Golden Retrievers
4 Basset Hounds
3 Cocker Spaniels
2 St. Bernards
and a Poodle in a doghouse

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me......
A CAT!

Tennis Balls

(to the tune of "Silver Bells")

There are dog toys
That bring great joys
Tucked away 'neath the tree
But we only want one thing this Christmas

Oh we're hopeful
And so thankful
Just imagine our glee
When on every couch cushion we see

Tennis Balls
Tennis Balls

Perfection - round and inviting
Roll and play
All the day
Please Santa - toss some our way

You can catch them
You can chase them
You can carry them too
They're an all-purpose treat for a canine

What a great find wrought by mankind
Just for doggie desire
And on every dog's wish list you'll see

Tennis Balls
Tennis Balls

Perfection - round and inviting
Roll and play
All the day
Please Santa - toss some our way

The Story of the Christmas Angel

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.

When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the bottle and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the door bell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree, fat man?"

And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the tree.

Sing it loud!!

More from Medea

Vincent Baby,
Just slip a sable (GSD) under the tree
For me
Been an awful good girl,
Vincent Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight,

Vincent Baby, a brand new wubba kong too
Light blue
I'll wait up for you, dear
Vincent Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight

Think of all the fun I've missed
Think of all the pups that I haven't kissed
Next year I could be just as good
If you'll check off my Christmas list

Walking In A Doggie Wonderland

Dog tags ring, are you listening?
In the lane, snow is glistening.
It's yellow, NOT white - I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland!"

In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
Following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know it's mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fence post,
Flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off of my turf, this small piece of earth,
I marked it as my winter wonderland."

The singing sensation that is sweeping the GSD forum!

Medea has a lovely voice!

You know Onyx, and Dutch and Medea and Rosie, you know Heidi and Sushi and King and Vincent....

but do you reacall the most cutest puppy of all.....
da da da da
Madalyn the cutest GSD
Had a very shiny coat
and if you ever saw her...
You would even say it glows
...all of the other GSD's
Never, ever called her names
they would always let Maddie
join all the GSD games...

The 12 GSD days of Christmas

On the twelveth day of Christmas my Momma gave to me..

12 hugs and kisses
11 Kitties Meow-ing (why would momma give that to me?)
10 Bunnies hopping
9 Doggie cookies!
8 squirrels a runnin' !
7 ponds to swim in !
6 inflatable Frosty the Snowmans !
5 gold Kings !
4 plushie toys !
3 bully sticks !
2 crispy pig ears !
and a Kong hanging from my Christmas tree !!!

A communal effort from the GSD forums at dogster!

More of our fave carolling girlie!

Medea is such a star!!

Here comes Dutchie Paws!
Here comes Dutchie Paws!
Right down Dutchie Paws! lane
Medea and Rosie and all the GSD's
Pulling on the rein's
Bells are ringin', Pups are barkin'
All is Merry and Bright
Hang your stockings, and say your prayers
Cause Dutchie Paws! comes tonight!

Live, from the GSD forum - it is Medea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Barked out for you by Medea

Dashing through the snow
Woof woof!
In a one horse open sleigh
Woof woof!
O'er the fields we go
Woof woof!
Laughing all the way
Woof woof woof woof woof woof!
Bells on bob tails ring
Woof woof!
Making spirits bright
Woof woof!
What fun it is to laugh and sing
A sleighing song tonight

Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one horse open sleigh woof!
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one horse open sleigh
Wooooof wooooof!!!!

Why people ask if I'm a shepherd or not

By Dutch

"What is wrong with those people? Anyone can see that Rosie was specifically bred by (this information has been redacted by the FBI in the interest of national security). She is a rare Ninja Shepherd. Dark as the color of night when viewed from above for black ops. Brown as a twilight sky when viewed from below so as to blend in and be virtually invisible while be air dropped from a camoflaged Apache Gunship into a third world hot spot. Fur smooth as oiled silk to go where no mere human warrior would dare tread. In her arsenal a "bling collar" for sending video back to headquarters, a "squeeky hot dog" sattelite cellular array and a "frisbee" GPS locator beacon. Rosie - Ninja Shepherd - keeping the planet safe for democracy."

A puppy Christmas!

On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
The Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four br oken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the seventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the eighth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the ninth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornam ents
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the tenth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eleven unwrapped presents
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
A dozen puppy kisses And I forgot all about the other eleven days.

A very GSD Christmas!

From Dutchie Paws!

'Twas the night before Christmas, as the clock chimed the hour,
Vincent chased Rosie ‘round a Poinsettia flower;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that Medea would sing for us there;
The Dogsters were nestled all snug in their beds,
With visions of cheese-whiz filled Kongs in their heads;
And Madalyn in her 'kerchief, and King in his cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
They all sprang to the door to bark, “What is the matter.”
Away to the window Kisses flew like a flash,
Nosed open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Showed the half-buried tennis balls buried below,
When, what to our glistening brown eyes should appear,
But a gigantic sleigh, and eight furry “reindeer,”
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
We knew right away that it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than beagles the harnessed dogs go,
And the hair that they shed, fell soft, like the snow;
"Now, Ekko! Now, Cookie! Now, Bullet and Cruiser!
On, Gretchen! On Charles! On Rex! Forward Bridger!
On past the hydrant! To the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"
As guard hairs that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the GSDs flew,
With the sleigh full of bones, and St. Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, they heard up above
The clicking of nails and a snort and a shove.
As they drew in their heads, and were turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was covered in hair, from his head to his foot,
And working a lint brush, and ignoring the soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler with a big dog food sack.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
Cause he’d stepped in a yellow spot there in the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
While Natasha lay quietly chewing the wreath;
He bent to rub Bellaluna’s little round belly,
And joined Ranger and Arko for some toast with some jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And Bandit growled softly, in spite of himself;
With a wink of his eye and a pat on the head,
He let them all know they had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Heidi helped fill the stockings; then he turned with a jerk,
And laying his hand gently on Sushi’s head,
He said, “Please tuck your little skin-brother in bed;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team, a short beep, Onyx ruffed softly, it was now time to sleep.
But the big man exclaimed, ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas all pups, merry dreams, and good-night."

Elf fun!

What's your Christmas Elf name?

I'm Chipper Sugar Socks! And Vincent is Bijou Sugar Socks - we must be related!

Top Ten Dog Thoughts

10. I could've sworn I heard the can opener.
9. Why doesn't the government do something about mange?
8. Is there something I'm not getting about Norm Crosby?
7. I wonder if Toto was really lost?
6. Mmmm.....that filthy standing water sure hits the spot!
5. Hey--no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.
4. I still miss Lorne Greene.
3. Would we dogs have built a vast and complex civilization of our own if we weren't distracted by our ability to lick ourselves?
2. Please, oh, please, oh, please let that be the can opener.
1. If there's a God, how can he allow neutering?

Dog Owner's Fitness Program

You've seen those ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of contraptions. Well, there's no need to invest in fancy equipment. If you have (or can borrow) a dog, you have everything you need to get in shape now!!! The following exercises can (and will) be done anywhere, anytime.

Inner Thighs: Place the dog's favorite toy between thighs. Press tighter than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged - dogs who favor shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You could be damaged.

Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog - off the couch, off the bed, out of the flower bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this exercise is reversed - onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and so on.

Balance and Coordination: Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from unsuitable tight places. If they're too small for him, they're certainly too small for you. Do it anyway!

Exercise 2: Practice not falling when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air, and slams both front paws into the back of your knees.

Exercise 3: (for use with multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it stops ringing.

Exercise 4: (alternate) For older dogs, attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog. Get off your couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elderly dog.

Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.

Upper Arms: (alternate) Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the sock. Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up (we all know which comes first).

Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from locked jaw. This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet, which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches.

Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body, hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back. WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bone and small dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement today?

Calves: (alternate) Run after dog - pick any reason, there are plenty. Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds are inadvisable.

Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed for your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A dog is never too old or too feeble to "French Kiss" you when you least expect it!

The 5 crucial Food Groups According to Dogs

1. In the bowl. (A good foundation, but important to supplement with other groups.)
2. Off the table. (Most varied group, but best eaten when no one is looking.)
3. On the floor. (A nutritious way to snack between meals.)
4. Grass - taken at least once a day to enable vomit activity. (Vomit activity best engaged in while resting head on caretaker's lap.)
5. Poop. (At least once a day for overall digestive happiness. May be taken topically via rolling in it.) Best if eaten immediately after production. Be sure to lick owner in face after ingestion.

How to give your pet a pill

How to give the cat a pill

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


How to give the dog a pill

Wrap it in bacon.

Pet dogs versus show dogs...

Pet dogs shed ............... Show dogs blow coat.

Pet dogs are in heat ........... Show dogs come into season.

Pet dogs trot ................ Show dogs gait or move.

Pet dogs stand .............. Show dogs stack.

Pet dogs get a bath .............. Show dogs are groomed.

Pet dogs beg for treats ................ Show dogs bait.

Pet dogs poop ................ Show dogs toilet or eliminate.

Pet dogs bark at other dogs ............ Show dogs spar.

From The Onion

Police Dog Successfully Brings Down Fugitive Frisbee
August 30, 2006 | Issue 42•35 | Onion Sports


COLUMBUS, OH—Columbus police commended the bravery and quick instincts of Dutch, an off-duty police dog, who pursued, apprehended, and retrieved a Frisbee that temporarily escaped the grasp of a fellow officer during a department-wide summer cookout Sunday. "The flying disk spun out of my hands shortly after I took temporary custody of same from a fellow officer," said Sgt. Vincent Visceglia, who admitted that the wanted Frisbee likely could have escaped into traffic if not for Dutch's fast actions. "Somehow Dutch knew that the Frisbee was a flight risk, so much so that he later displayed some reluctance to transfer it to authorities." Dutch, who had no comment on the incident, later grudgingly accepted a decoration for valor in secondhand baby clothing from Visceglia's daughters Eve and Cynthia.

Tag - you're it!!

I've been tagged by Brillant Precious Ruby, Baby Girl, D.J., Ranger, Jackson, Jepath, Rowdy, Rondo, Matty, Zoe, Portos, China Moon, Paris, King, Floyd, Leila, Liberty Anne Belle, Lily of the Valle, Tully, Iggy, Mitchell Z Liska Pouste, Lakota, Brutis, Rocky, Lola Chanel and Dawson!!

Each player starts with seven random facts about themselves. Dogs who are tagged, need to post in their Diary the rules & their 7 pawsome facts. Then choose 7 dogs to tag and list their names. Don’t forget to bark them a pmail that they have been tagged and to read your Diary, or, send them a fun Rosette announcing they've been Tagged!?

1. I was born December 27th 2004, I was my mum's Christmas gift but she had to wait for ages to get me!

2. I really love to play frisbee!

3. Belly rubs and ears rubs make me blissful!

4. Even though I'm not allowed, I love to chase the kitties.

5. Ditto squirrels!

6. My fur is the softest mum had ever felt on a shepherd.

7. I'll eat anything, I love food!

Off to tag...

Bertie
Cheesecake
Jay-Jay
Hailey
Spike
Helga

Comu

Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.


'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want water, lots and lots of water,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want water, lots and lots of water ,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want water, lots and lots of water,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'

But why have you only ordered water all evening?'

The third piggy says -

'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

Very cute!

"Nice dog. What's its name?" I asked my friend's 10-year-old son.

"Bob," he said.

"And your cat?"

"Bob."

"How do you keep them straight?"

"Well, one is Bob Cat and the other is Bob Barker," the boy answered.

"Tell him your rabbit's name," his father suggested.

The kid smiled and said, "Dennis Hopper."

-- Mike Harrelson

Groan - very punny!

One day the king of a fairly large country was greeted by a tiny knight. The knight told him the story of how he escaped a battle with a dragon, but his small horse had been killed. He begged the king for a horse, and the king was more than happy to offer him one. The problem, however, was that the knight was too small for the horses the king had. Finally, the king decided to give him a trained Great Dane to ride on. When he presented the Great Dane to the knight, the knight was horrified. He exclaimed, “You would send a knight out on a dog like this?”

Dog Experiences Best Day Of His Life For 400th Consecutive- Day

From The Onion

Dog Experiences Best Day Of His Life For 400th Consecutive Day
October 13, 2004 | Issue 40•41

SANTEE, CA—Family dog Loki experienced the best day of his life for the 400th straight day Monday, the black Labrador retriever reported. "I got to go outside! I got to sniff the bush!" Loki said, wagging excitedly. "I saw a squirrel and I barked at it and it ran up the tree! Then I came back inside, and the smoky-smelling tall man let me have a little piece of bacon and then I drank from the toilet!" Loki will experience the best day of his life once again tomorrow, when he digs a hole, chews on a slipper, and almost catches his tail

Whoops!!

My boyfriend, Tim, a mechanic, does work for the Air Force Academy. One day, a guard asked, "Mind if our new guard dog practices sniffing your truck?" Tim obliged and the dog went to work. Almost immediately, it latched onto a scent and jumped into the truck bed, sniffing furiously. Tim grew nervous. There were no drugs, no weapons. What could the dog be after? A few minutes later, the guard approached Tim.

"Sorry," he said sheepishly. "Our dog ate your lunch."

-- Christi Lightcap

From The Onion

Nation's Dog Owners Demand To Know Who's A Good Boy
December 6, 2000 | Issue 36•44

WASHINGTON, DC–Bearing facial expressions ranging from goofy to adoring, dog owners from across the U.S. gathered in the nation's capital Monday, demanding to know who's a good boy.

"Who's a good boy?" asked National Doggy Appreciation Society president June Erhardt, speaking before an estimated 300 canines ranging from border collie to schnauzer. "Who? Who?"

Added Erhardt: "Is it you? Is it you?"

Despite its consensus on overall dog adorableness, the dog-loving community remains sharply divided on the question of who is a good boy. Some say the answer is "Such a good boy, yes." Others contend the good boy "needs his belly rubbed, yes, oh yes." Still other factions maintain that the only good boy is "my special little snuffy-snuffers, the bestest of all the best boys there is."

With canine-cuddliness levels at an all-time high and adorability-boosting ribbons and chew toys plentiful at pet stores across the nation, no resolution to the good-boy-identity issue appears to be on the horizon.

"The dog owners of this country still have a great many questions that require answers," said Indianapolis NDAS delegate Janine Mulhern. "Who is, in fact, my favorite little guy? Who, for that matter, has a fuzzy little tummy-wummy? And, perhaps most importantly, who wants to go outside?"

"Outside? Outside?" continued Mulhern, rattling a leash in her outstretched hand. "These are issues that must be addressed. Our high-pitched, cutesy-wutesy voices will not be silenced."

According to the results of a recent NDAS "Who's A Good Boy?" survey, dog owners are split roughly into three camps, with 40 percent favoring "What a pretty, pretty, pretty boy" and 31 percent holding that "You're such a puppy!" The final 29 percent argued that the correct answer is, "You are such a stinker, a stinker, a stinky-dinky-dinker!" The NDAS survey did not, however, include members of The Pat-Pat League, an extremist group that wants entirely non-verbal resolutions to the issue, including play-wrestling, head-rubbing, fur-tousling, chin-scritching, and even great big hugs.

"The question of precisely who is a good boy is of fundamental importance to millions of Americans, many of whom pose this query to their loved ones several times a day," said Marvin Sidowsky, an Atlanta-area veterinarian. "In fact, they may even find themselves asking it several times in quick succession while dangling a rawhide chew stick in the air. Clearly, it's high time we had an answer."

"Right, Bogey? Right, Bogey?" said Sidowsky, rubbing noses with his Yorkshire terrier. "Oh, no... oh, no... No, no, no, no, no. No no no no no no no no no no. Nononononononononono."

"Awwwwww," concluded Sidowsky, wrapping Bogey in a baby-blue terrycloth towel and cradling him like an infant.

Despite the differences of opinion, dog owners remain optimistic that the good-boy question can be resolved.

"Don't worry, it's okay," said Anita Perlich, Columbia, SC, NDAS chapter president and owner of four Irish setters. "There's nothing to be scared of."

Addressing reporters from a dog-hair-covered couch in her D.C. townhouse, Erhardt stressed the need for calm. "Nothing to worry about... Uncle Joe always does that. Uncle Joe! Down, boy! Down, boy! Down!"

"He's just excited," continued Erhardt, stressing the need for a positive outlook. "He's not used to new people, that's all. Uncle Joe! Get off the nice man!"

Kid's advice to kids

"Never trust a dog to watch your food."
Patrick, age 10

"Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac."
Andrew, 9

"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse."
Naomi, 15

From The Onion

Family Dog Suspected Cause Of Miniature Chuck-Wagon Disaster
February 11, 1998 | Issue 33•05

SAN JOSE, CA—Though Federal Microvehicular Safety Administration officials stress that it is still too early to draw definitive conclusions, a family dog is widely regarded as the probable cause of the miniature chuck-wagon disaster that shocked the nation last Wednesday.

The wreckage from last week's fatal miniature chuck-wagon crash in a San Jose, CA, kitchen. Investigators have ruled out driver error and now believe the disaster to be dog-related.
According to an FMSA report released Monday, the crash—which resulted in the deaths of the chuck wagon's miniature driver and four passengers, as well as the loss of more than one pound of hearty "Chuck Wagon"-brand gravy-flavored dog-food cargo and a team of four miniature draft horses—is "in all likelihood" attributable to the presence of one or more pet dogs in the kitchen at the time of the accident.

"Preliminary studies of the chuck-wagon wreckage, combined with analysis of data recovered from the miniscule carriage's 'black box,' strongly suggest that, unknown to chuck-wagon traffic-controllers monitoring the wagon's progress, the kitchen was occupied by at least one pet animal, probably a dog, which pursued and overtook the chuck wagon in the final moments before it vanished from radar screens," FMSA chief Vincent Renaldo said.

In the 48 hours immediately following the disaster, safety investigators examined a wide variety of on-site evidence. The chuck wagon's original fuselage, scattered across an approximate four-tile area of linoleum in the "breakfast nook" region of the kitchen, was painstakingly reassembled by FMSA investigators in an attempt to better understand the events leading up to the crash.

The rebuilt chuck wagon's key structural elements—particularly the glue-fastened wooden dowels used as tiny spokes in the load-bearing miniature wagon wheels; the itsy-bitsy swing-axle steering rack; and the teensy-weensy whip used to make the miniature horsies accelerate in times of danger—were then subjected to a battery of stress tests in an effort to determine whether equipment failure or driver error was to blame.

While the tests are still not complete, FMSA officials say the discovery of a two-inch "bite radius" breaching the chuck wagon's hull along the right side indicates severe canine mastication, strongly supporting the dog-attack hypothesis.

"The old saw about how 'The great taste of Chuck Wagon stops dogs in their tracks' has taken on grim new overtones in light of these findings," Renaldo said.

Though Chuck Wagon Transit Authority officials insist that proper safety procedures were followed during the chuck wagon's fateful final voyage, a number of dog-food-industry whistleblowers are coming forward in the wake of the crash, insisting that such a tragedy was inevitable given the CWTA's longtime failure to address serious driver-safety issues.

"This sort of thing happens all the time," said former miniature-chuck-wagon driver Randall "Tex" West, who claims he was fired by Chuck Wagon Transit after refusing to do any more kitchen runs until the dog problem was addressed. "I can't tell you how many times a chuck wagon will tear through a kitchen, hell-bent for leather, hootin' and hollerin' to beat the devil, with a happy, hungry hound right on his tail, just inches behind."

Continued West: "A lot of these drivers consider it kind of a 'macho' thing to see how close they can cut it before zipping under the kitchen counter into the dog-food bag at the last minute, leaving the puzzled mutt wondering where all them tasty treats disappeared to. Sure, it seems kind of funny at first, the way the dog looks around and blinks, like it can't figure out where that old chuck wagon up and went all of a sudden. But when something like this happens, it's a damn shame."

Two-inch-tall wagon-driver Roy "Speedy" Sanders agreed, but noted that thrill-seeking drivers are not the only reason for the increased risk of accidents. According to Sanders, ever-increasing dog-food delivery quotas leave drivers with no choice but to speed.

"It's impossible to pull off the typical dog-food-delivery schedule and meet federal safety standards at the same time," Sanders said. "Every day, in kitchens across the U.S., drivers run their teams at full gallop through routes that traffic-control knows damn well are dog-occupied. But the traffic controllers look the other way, because, if they didn't, delivery quotas would never be met. Drivers whip their teams up to full speed and chance it, hoping either to outrun or out-maneuver the dog, figuring they can always pivot at the last minute and send the animal sliding across the linoleum if it gets too close. That way, management is happy, and they get to keep their jobs."

Though Chuck Wagon Transit authorities have cooperated with investigators, the group's official position remains that last Wednesday's crash was an isolated incident that is in no way symptomatic of a larger safety problem.

FMSA investigators, however, are not so certain.

"The kitchen in question is a well-established nap-zone for a mid-sized mutt named Scruffers, and we have solid evidence demonstrating that the driver regularly made a practice of exceeding his wagon's per-axle cargo limit by as much as 20 to 30 bite-sized chunks," FMSA special investigator Richard Sobell said. "Dogs like Scruffers can't corner as well as chuck wagons on your basic no-wax kitchen-tile surfacing; their greater mass gives them more inertia, making it harder for them to turn, especially if they're running at a full sprint."

"Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, your skilled miniature-wagon-handler can pull it off," said Sobell, looking out over the crash site. "But that hundredth time? That's the one these hot-shot drivers need to start seriously thinking about."

"There's more to dogs than meets the eye -- but not much" - Dave Barry

By Dave Barry

I want to talk about the hidden lives of my dogs.

Until recently, I wasn't aware that my dogs had hidden lives. There were many times, such as when they'd take turns repeatedly eating a deceased lizard and throwing it back up, when I wasn't even sure they had brains. Then I got The Hidden Life of Dogs, the best-selling book by Elizabeth Marshall Thomas, who has some astounding insights into dog behavior. For example, in an effort to find out what dogs do when they're on their own, she spent months following a husky named Misha as he roamed all over Cambridge, Mass. What Thomas discovered was that Misha, who at first appeared to be simply trotting around aimlessly, was in fact earning a degree from Harvard Business School.

No, I am joshing. Harvard does not accept huskies unless their parents are extremely wealthy. What Thomas discovered, after much observation, was that Misha spent his time -- and here I will attempt to summarize two full chapters of The Hidden Life of Dogs -- sniffing other dogs and peeing a lot.

This might not strike you dog-owners as all that deep of an insight. But trust me, it seems like one when you're reading the book. Because where you might see just a plain old dog engaging in non-rocket-scientist behavior, Thomas sees a highly sophisticated organism responding to elaborate socio-biological stimuli and performing complex problem-solving tasks. It's not her fault that the solution to the problem is usually to pee on it.

Anyway, reading this book got me to thinking about my own dogs. Did they have a hidden life? If so, could I discover it, and -- more important -- write a best-selling book?

To find out, I removed my dogs from the confined, controlled environment of our house and put them outside, where they were free to reveal their hidden lives. I observed them closely for the better part of a day, and thus I am able to reveal here, for the first time anywhere, that what dogs do, when they are able to make their own decisions in accordance with their unfettered natural instincts, is: Try to get back inside the house. They spent most of the day pressing sad moony faces up against the glass patio door, taking only occasional breaks to see if it was a good idea to eat worms (Answer: No).

Of course, the dogs have important and complex socio-biological reasons for wanting to get back into the house. For one thing, the house contains the most wondrous thing in the world: the kitchen counter. One time a piece of turkey fell off of it. The dogs still regularly visit the spot where it landed, in case it shows up again. There's an invisible Dog Historic Marker there.

Another reason is that the house provides a better echo for barking. Dogs employ barking as a vital means of communicating important messages, such as: "bark." Barking also serves a vital biological purpose: If a dog does not release a certain number of barks per day, they will back up, and the dog will explode. (Whenever you hear an unexplained loud noise in the distance, it's probably a dog exploding.)

Our large main dog, Earnest, spends her day sleeping directly under my desk, and three or four times a day she'll have a pressure buildup, causing her to wake up, lift her head, release a bark and immediately go back to sleep.

Her bark, travelling at the speed of bark, quickly reaches our small emergency backup dog, Zippy, who is sleeping elsewhere in the house. He wakes up and rushes up to the outside of my office door and starts barking at it, because there is clearly something wrong inside. (Why else would Earnest have barked?)

This in turn awakens Earnest, who leaps up, bonks her head against the bottom of my desk, then rushes over and starts barking at her side of the door. Each dog is firmly convinced that there is Big Trouble on the other side, possibly involving their arch-enemy, the U.S. Postal Service truck. It comes around every day, and usually Earnest and Zippy are able to drive it off by barking at it and getting spit all over the windows by our front door, but now apparently the truck somehow has GOTTEN INTO THE HOUSE and is ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS DOOR BARK BARK BARK BARKBARKBARKBARK!!!

This is what my dogs are thinking (if "thinking" is the word I want here) as I get up, walk past Earnest, who is now insane with rage, and open the door. Instantly Earnest charges BARKBARKBARK into the hall, narrowly missing Zippy, who is charging BARKBARKBARK into my office. Each one goes about five feet, then -- WAIT a minute!! -- skids to a stop, whirls around, and charges back the other way, still barking.

Sometimes they'll pass each other three or four times before they run out of momentum and lie down again, confident that, thanks to their alertness, the house is once again safe.

This is the hidden dog world that goes on every day in our house. I admit that, socio-biologically, it is not as interesting as the things that Elizabeth Marshall Thomas' dogs do.

But Earnest and Zippy are the only dogs I have. Make me an offer.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go back and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly whom you are going to think about while reading this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself. Its too late, don’t act like you didn’t scroll up and look!!

From The Onion

Big, Lovable Dog Resolves Crisis In Zaire
'Attaboy!' Says U.N.
April 23, 1997 | Issue 31•15

KINSHASA, ZAIRE—In his greatest act of international heroism since alerting authorities of British Prime Minister John Major's fall down a deep well in 1993, "Houser," a big, lovable dog, brought peace and stability to the war-torn nation of Zaire Monday.

Zairian refugees near Lake Kivu are led back home by Houser, a lovable dog.
Once pushed to the brink of mass starvation, genocide and chaos by rebel attempts to overthrow President Mobutu Sese Seko, Zaire is now a stable democracy, its warring factions united in their love for the cuddly, furry animal.

After solving the Zairian crisis, Houser wagged his big tail and barked triumphantly to the nation's once-warring factions, who laughed merrily and patted the shaggy canine on the head and back.

"He is a good boy," said Mobutu, who returned from exile to form a broad-based coalition government with rebel leader Laurent Kabila. "I love him so much." Mobutu then gave the dog what his advisors described as a "big hug."

Said U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan: "Attaboy, Houser!"

Annan recalled Monday morning, when Houser came running into the U.N. intent on saving the day.

"At first, many of the diplomats were annoyed that the big dog came bounding into the General Assembly," Annan said. "The dog was running back and forth and barking very insistently."

"Houser was dripping wet," said Alexei Lukashenko of Belarus. "He was shaking himself and spraying water all over the delegates."

Austrian representative Gunter Hosch, who was delivering a speech advocating the passage of a U.N. resolution condemning human rights abuses in Honduras, paused mid-address to ask the dog, "What is it, boy?"

When the dog responded by barking even more insistently, many representatives began to make guesses as to what the dog was trying to say.

"Houser, have you been swimming in Old Man Seaver's pond again? We told you not to do that! Bad Houser!" Hosch told the dog.

The assembled delegates, unable to interpret Houser's frantic barking, were about to give up on the dog and have him removed when Angolan representative Goma Ndeti noticed he was carrying a handmade Zairian "Juju" doll in his mouth. "It was then I realized," Ndeti said, "that the water was not from Old Man Seaver's pond at all—he was wet from a swim across the Atlantic Ocean. The dog was trying to tell us something about Zaire."

Annan then put it to Houser: "Is it Zaire, boy? Is there some kind of trouble in Zaire?"

When Houser barked more loudly and at a higher pitch than before, those in attendance knew they had hit upon the right answer.

"What's that, Houser?" Annan continued. "Laurent Kabila and his rebel forces have seized much of the south and are headed toward Kinshasa? Come on, take us to them!"

According to U.N. command leader Edgar Nielsen, the dog led a 45-nation peacekeeping force to the city of Lubumbashi in Shaba Province, a key, mineral-rich region in southern Zaire which had fallen to the rebels. "It was tough keeping pace with the dog. He was so excited and running very quickly," Nielsen said. "But once we arrived in Lubumbashi, we dispersed troops and were able to bring stability to the area."

Nielsen said that for his great bravery and invaluable intelligence-gathering efforts, Houser was given a biscuit.

The dog then led troops to a badly ravaged encampment in central Zaire, where more than 500,000 Rwandan and Zairian refugees were dying of malnutrition and ebola. U.N. troops quickly airdropped medical supplies and food to the area. Nielsen noted that Houser saw to it personally that a young female dog to whom he had "taken a shine," was given a delicious bone.

Houser's owner, Tim, 10, was pleased with his dog's accomplishments in Zaire. "He's a good dog. And he's my best friend. I love him."

One for Meaty!

Man to dog trainer: "Every time a bell rings, my dog goes into the corner."
Dog trainer: "That's OK, he is a Boxer."

Dog trainers are smarter than politicians!

Send the politicians to obedience class

Times Colonist
Saturday, October 15, 2005


So they are on the picket line for smaller class size and more support for students? I didn't think much about it. I mean what do I know?

I'm a retired electronics tech and my kids are already old enough to be paying their own rent.

Then I took my pooch to a dog training class -- after being on a wait list for eight months -- and this is what they said: "We keep our classes to only 12 dogs because we have found that it is less distracting and provides a better learning environment for our canine companions. For the first few classes we will have four instructors, as individualized instruction is beneficial to the dogs, especially in the beginning."

Is it just me or do you see an uncanny parallel here?

Private schools boast about their small class sizes to tempt parents to spend a fortune on tuition instead of simply enrolling their children in the public school system. Ads on the TV and in the paper lure parents to dip into their pockets to pay for the individualized attention of private tutoring.

It seems obvious to me -- now that I have actually put some thought into it -- that small, individual instruction is the way to go.

Maybe our government officials should sign up for a dog training session to see how successful small classes really are.

Tom Tambone,

Saanich.

If...

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it, then get a dog .

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want,then get a dog .

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies, then get a dog .

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores . . .then get a dog .

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually, then get a dog .

But, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness,then get a cat!

Books for a Chicken

A chicken walks up to the circulation desk at a public library and says, "Buk Buk BUK."

The librarian decides that the chicken wants three books. She gives three books to the chicken, who goes away with them tucked under its wing.

Around midday, the chicken returns to the circulation desk, lloking vexed, and says, "Buk Buk BuKKOOK!"

The librarian decides that the chicken wants another three books. The chicken leaves as before, with three books under its wing.

The chicken returns to the library in the early afternoon, approaches the librarian, looking very annoyed, and says, "Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!"

The librarian is now a little suspicious. She gives the chicken three books, and decides to follow it.

She follows the chicken out of the library and through the town to a park. There she ses the chicken throwing the books at a frog in a pond, while the frog says, "Rrredit, Rrredit, Rrredit..."

Does Your Human Need a Date, Too?

Hi, I'm Loki. I'm 4 years old, with blue eyes, and in excellent shape. But this isn't really about me. I'm posting for my human, as she thinks this online dating thing is silly and won't do it herself. But I think it could work. Especially if the humans finally realize that we dogs are much better judges of character than they are and let us do the picking and choosing. But anyway, my human needs a date. Don't get me wrong, I love her and all, but now and again a guy just needs the apartment to himself for an evening on the couch watching the hot babes on Animal Planet, you know?

Her name is Andrea, and I think she's adorable. She has blonde hair and pretty green eyes. She's funny and an excellent cook. She doesn't like it if you eat between meals, but I'll show you how to do "the look". She can't resist "the look". She gives the best back scratches in the world. I take her running with me every day, so she's in good shape. She even has a job. She likes to take me places with her (we went to Alaska a couple months ago to visit her parents), so I bet she'll want to take you places, too. She's kind of shy, though. She reads books (sometimes she reads to me, isn't that cute?), and she blushes every time she talks to human guy. But she loves dogs and cats, that's why I take her to the park with me. She always has to stop and pet the dogs. I can't tell you how many chicks I've met that way.

So, do you have a shy male human that you want to get out of the house more often? He should be smart. Andrea's smart. She knows how to fetch and she never pees on the floor. Your human should also be nice. The last guy Andrea brought home with her was a total loser. He was kind of mean to her and he told her that she had to get rid of me. That's when she kicked him to the curb. Darn straight. So, your human has to be nice to Andrea, because if he isn't, I'll bite him.

Here's what I propose: let's get our humans out of the house together. Maybe if they like each other, they'll get out of the house together more often and we can have our respective couches to ourselves every weekend. How's that sound?

If you're a fine female of the species, you can come over and share my couch. Andrea had me snipped, so it's totally safe.

Respectfully,

The Dog

OK, this is nothing to do with dogs...

But we were sent this ebay auction in email and we've been laughing ever since! Enjoy!

From "The best of Craig's List"

To My Girlfriend's Dogs When Staying at My Place


First off, I'd like to say that I really do like both of you a lot. Male dog, you are very cute and many people still mistake you for a puppy, even at your healthy age of seven years. Female dog, you too are quite attractive, although I understand your frustration when your little brother gets more attention. Generally, you are both very well trained and have great personalities. That being said, we need to talk about some of your behavior when your mother leaves town and you stay here at my apartment.

Please stop pulling as hard as you possibly can every where we go. You stay here very rarely and you have absolutely no idea where I am about to walk you. Half the time you try to pull me down the wrong hallway on the way to the elevator. I understand that you simply cannot wait to get the smell of other dogs' urine and feces in your nostrils, but please let me be the brains of this operation. I promise your olfactory glands will not be disappointed.

Along that vein, please try to go more than five feet before you stop to smell something. I'm sure another dogs' excrement must smell fantastic on a bush, but it's called a "walk" for a reason. I want you to be able to get some exercise while you're here, but I didn't sign up for 45 minutes of stop-and-go traffic at 11:45 at night. Furthermore, please attempt to understand the limitations of your leash, as it is the same one you use when you're at home. If you can't get up the tree to chase a squirrel there and have given up trying to do so, you can't do it here either. There's no use trying to pull my arms from their sockets attempting it.

To the male one, when we are outside at night, there are no Delta Force soldiers waiting behind bushes to attack you if you stop to poop. You don't need to keep your head on a constant swivel and dart all over the place. Please focus on the task at hand and just poop. If I take you for a decent walk late at night and for whatever reason you don't poop, I will assume that you do not need to poop. Do not look plaintively up at me once we are eleven stories from outside and expect me to take you back down because you didn't go on your first try. You had multiple chances. Hold it.

Also, please stop prancing everywhere. It is painfully obvious that you were raised by a women. When you prance around on our walks, people automatically assume that woman is me. I don't like that.

To the female one, please stop eating other dogs' poop. It turns my stomach and I look like a jerk when I have to berate you in public. I promise that once we are back upstairs, I will feed you the same high-end dog food and treats your mom feeds you. There is absolutely no need to eat that funky trail mix. I know Iams probably doesn't taste as good as the lower priced chow, but it has to be better than anything that has passed through the digestive tract of another living creature. And please understand if I don't want you to lick me...ever.

That's about it. Please try to follow these helpful suggestions in the future and enjoy the rest of your stay here.

Popping the question!

For months Bill had been Lynn´s devoted admirer. At long last he had collected sufficient courage to ask her the momentous question.

"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," Bill began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one´s absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one´s joys and sorrows."

To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn´s eyes. Then she nodded in agreement, "I think it´s a wonderful idea! Can I help you pick out a puppy?"

Note to the dogs

Dear Dogs of Mine,

It seems that lately things have gotten a smidge slack around here. I feel it is time to remind you of the rules that heretofore we have operated under. You are both cute dogs, but your continued cuteness in no way negates our previous agreement. Let me remind you of a few details of this agreement.

1. In exchange for room and board, you are to guard the kingdom. That would be guarding the kingdom from any and all bad guys, robbers, serial killers, etc. Feel free to bark maniacally at any of those that should appear in the yard. Guarding the kingdom does NOT include barking maniacally at bunnies, squirrels, cows, sheep and invisible things that only you can see, especially between the hours of 5am (when I stumble out of bed to let you out) and 8am (when I actually have to be out of bed to get to work).
(And let me take a moment here to remind you that the pizza guy is a potential bad guy. He is not your friend. Just because he comes bearing food does not allow him free and easy access to the kingdom. He is potentially way more dangerous than the bunnies that you threaten to tear limb from limb.)

2. All of the stuff that lives in the toy basket is yours. Everything else is mine. Yours includes squeaky balls, random bones, partially unstuffed stuffed animals and chew ropes. Mine includes any and all shoes on the floor (especially the expensive leather ones), underwear that missed the hamper, bras, socks, dishtowels, the remote, the cell phone, the legs of my grandmother's antique chair and the vacuum. Did I mention shoes? ALL the shoes are mine. They come in pairs, not quads, for a reason.

3. The cat gets to sleep on the bed. You do not. You each weigh 50 pounds. The cat weighs 12. You sleep smack dab in the middle of the bed with all four feet spread out covering approximately 12 square feet apiece. The cat sleeps in a neat little ball covering about 2 square feet. The cat does not bring fleas into the house. You do. You, dogs, will never be allowed to sleep on the bed. Quit sneaking up when you think I'm not looking. Your 50 pounds of dogginess negates your stealth superpowers. I know you are up there!!

4. Speaking of the cat- when he hunkers down into that little mound, lays his ears back, squints his eyes and growls way back in his chest, HE IS NOT A HAPPY KITTY. Leave him alone. He does not want to play with you. What he wants to do is poke your eyes out and shread the skin around your face. He can do that, you know. Five of his 6 ends are really sharp and pointy. He has previously shown very little restraint. Clearly he enjoys smacking you upside the head with a paw full of claws. Do not aggrevate him. When he takes your head off after you have cornered him, I will let him. You have been forewarned.

5. The cat is mean. He will lead you down a path to destruction. He likes to tear around the house winding you up. He does this knowingly and intentionally. When you chase him, I will only yell at you for careening into walls and furniture. He knows this. Quit falling for it.

6. If you find something in the garbage can, assume that I intend for it to be there. Platic tampon shells are not chew toys. Don't eat them.

7. Also not for doggy consumption- anything you find in the litter box. This is why you no longer get to kiss me.

8. You are allowed to sleep on the furniture. You are not allowed to eat the furniture.

9. Yes, I have to leave every day to go to work. No, you cannot go with me. That's why there are two of you, so you can entertain each other. The cat gets to stay in the house. You both have to stay outside while I'm gone. The cat does not chew things up. You do. Quit whining about it. Your porch is air-conditioned. It's just like inside the house minus the sofa. If you'd quit chewing up dog beds, it would be just like inside the house. You have made your own proverbial bed by destroying two very expensive dog cushions.

10. I have opposable thumbs. This is why I get to be in charge. I can open cans, doors, and bags of treats. I am the only one in the house that can operate the hose sprayer. I'm also the only one with a driver's license and a car. I win. Being cute is no match for opposable thumbs.

While I in no way wish to suppress your rightful dogginess, I feel that these very simple guidelines will allow us to continue to co-exist in peaceful harmony. Please know though, that should you choose to continue in willful violation of these rules, I WILL PUT THE CAT IN CHARGE. He has just been itching for a position in management.

Much thanks,
The Human

Smart pup!

A little boy took his dog on a "take your pet to school" day. There were prizes for the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest, and the smartest pet. Determined that his dog win a prize, the boy put his pet through a whole series of tricks. Finally the boy turned to the dog and asked, "Mindy, how much is two plus two minus four?" The dog sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent. "Right!" exclaimed the boy. His dog won first prize.

From "Best of Craigslist"

Things I Learned Saturday:

When you have to use the bathroom, do not let the dogs precede you into the room. Bathrooms are very small rooms and only have one door.

When the dogs knock you down while they attempt to exit the bathroom, do not fall on the toilet.Toilets can explode.

Dogs vanish when toilets explode.

You can move at lightspeed when shutting off the water line to a toilet that has exploded.

Porcelain is very sharp, and cuts on the palm of the hand bleed profusely.

Dog towels are good for soaking up blood.

Dog towels are also good for soaking up water that results from exploding toilets.

Plumbers cost $150 per hour, plus travel time, plus a new toilet and hardware.

If you laugh at the plumber’s prices, he will hang up on you.

Toilets at Lowes cost about $150.

Toilets at Lowes have names like “Parfait”, “Bouquet” and “Boudoir”.

It takes two people to carry a toilet.

Toilets are not too hard to replace. Just be careful, because porcelain is sharp.

You can save about 300 bucks if you replace the toilet yourself.

Dog towels are also good for wiping up the wax ring goo from underneath exploded toilets.

Yard sales are great places to buy dog towels.

You can get a dog towel at a yard sale for about 50 cents.

Best yard sale bargain on Saturday, July 7th, 2007: 6 dog towels for 3 bucks.

Final score: Toilet=0, Plumber=0, Dogs=1, Dog Towels=6.

How was your day?

"If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them."
--Phil Pastoret

The lawyer's dog

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast from the counter.

The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog is running unleashed and steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

"Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 (attorneys don't carry cash).

Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer:

An invoice : Consultation........... $20

Talking dog

Broder walks into a bar with a dog on a leash. "Bartender," he says, "I'll have a scotch on the rocks, and a whiskey sour for my dog."

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't allow dogs in here."

"Just a minute," the dog says. "I'm not used to being treated this way. Maybe you've never seen a talking dog."

"Don't give me no talking dog, mister," the bartender tells Broder. "You're not the first ventriloquist we've had in here."

"Wait, you've got it all wrong," says Broder. "I'll go across the street to get a newspaper, and I'll leave the dog here. Then you'll see."

When Broder is gone, the dog says, "Hey, pal, what happened to my whiskey sour?"

The bartender is astonished. "Sure, right away. It's on the house. I can't believe this. Say, would you do me a favor? Here's ten bucks. My wife works in the restaurant next door. Would you mind going in and ordering a coffee to go? This will make her day, and you can keep the change."

"Fine," says the dog, who takes the money and leaves. A moment later, Broder returns to the bar. "Hey, where's Oliver?"

"He *can* talk," says the bartender. "I gave him ten bucks to surprise my wife. Here, I'll go with you."

As they leave the bar, they see Oliver in an alley, flirting with an attractive French poodle.

"Oliver, I can't believe it," says Broder. "You've never done this before."

"Hey," says the dog, "I've never had money before."

Vegas has gone to the dogs!

A business man enters into a large Las Vegas casino followed by his well groomed hunting dog. The two make their way to a roulette table, and sits down with his dog at his side. As the next game begins, the man's dog tosses a mouth full of $1000 chips onto the table. Remarkably, the numbers each chip fall on, pay off. The dog quickly jumps up on the table and gathers up their winnings, and heads off to another table. Not to be lost, the man quickly jumps up and follows after his dog.

As before, the dog tosses a mouth full of chips onto the table for betting, and once again the couple walk away winners. Not to waiver from the drill, the dog jumps up on the table and scoops up their winnings, and jumps off the table. To yet another table, they head. This time the man's dog dumps all of their winnings on one hand of Blackjack. Remarkably, the dealer presents an Ace and King to the man. A bit shocked, the dealer presents the the man with his winnings. Not to miss a beat, the dog hurls it's massive body onto the game table, grabs all of their chips in it's mouth, and jumps back down to the man's side. Tired from all of the gambling, they find the bar to sit down at. The man asks for a pint of ale for his dog, and just a club soda for himself. Puzzled by the man's request, and large pile of chips at the dog's side, the Bartender asks what type of dog does this very wealthy man have. Patting his canine companion on the head, he smiles and says, " An Irish Better...what else?"

Vet vs doctor

A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.

The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a Vet - *I* don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. ...Of course, if ~that~ doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

Funny email forwarded to me!

"One of my dogs is a Pug. Pugs are very prone to seizures and typically take phenobarbital for their entire lives to keep this under control. When I recently picked up her prescription, which is made out to "Sparkle (Dog)", it had a sticker on it warning her that "May cause drowsiness, Alcohol may intensify this effect, Use care when operating a car or dangerous machinery."

Needless to say, we no longer let her drive her backhoe."

A snail got mugged by two tortoises. When he went to the police, they questioned him as to what happened. He said, "I don't know, it all happened so quickly."

Dog Hair Warning

In a press release today, the National Institute of Health has announced the discovery of a potentially dangerous substance in the hair of dogs. This substance, called 'amo-bacter canis' has been linked with the following symptoms in female humans:-
Reluctance to cook
Reluctance to perform housework
Reluctance to wear anything but jeans or sweats
Reluctance to work except in support of a dog
Physical craving for contact with dogs
May be an addiction

Beware: If you come in contact with a female human affected by this substance, be prepared to talk about dogs for hours on end. This has been a public service announcement

In honour of all our rain...

When a man named Noah started building a boat out in the middle of the desert, everybody laughed. They thought he was daft. But Noah wasn't listening to them, he was listening to the God of the Hebrews, who said to build a boat. So Noah built a boat. Noah called his boat an ark.

When he finished it, he rounded up all the animals, two-by-two to travel on his ark. People laughed at Noah's possums and panthers and penguins. They laughed at his cheetahs and chinchillas, giraffes and gazelles and rhinoceroses and hippopotamuses. Into the ark they went, two-by-two. Pretty soon, it started to rain.

It rained and it poured and it rained some more. People stopped laughing and the ark started floating. Noah and his family and all the animals two-by-two, rode safely on the waters. They sailed for 40 days and 40 nights. When the rains stopped, out of the ark came Noah and his family and all the animals two-by-two. All except one.

No one could find the little dog. Noah searched everywhere. He looked on the first deck. He looked on the second deck then the third deck. Finally, in the farthest corner of the lowest deck he found the little dog.

The dog was shivering and standing with his nose pressed hard against the side of the boat. "Come here little dog" called Noah. "It's time to come out. Here doggie, doggie!" The little dog wouldn't move. Noah gently pulled him away. "What's this?" said Noah. "A hole in the ark. The ark could have sunk Little dog. You kept us safe - my family and all of the animals, two-by-two with your little nose"

The little dog was proud. But mostly of all he was hungry. "Little dog" said Noah, as he pulled out a juicy bone, "so all the world and all the generations will know your great deed, your nose will always be cold and wet, just as it is today." That's how the dog got his cold, wet nose. The next time when you feel your dog's nose, remember the little dog who used his nose to protect Noah, his family and all of the animals, two-by-two.

So, I'm a silly kind of pup...

and I forgot that every single diary entry I've ever made gets saved and counted. Did you guys know that there's a stroll on dogster for most diary entries? Yup, there sure is! My jokes knocked out far more entertaining dogs from the first places - so I got rid of a bunch of them. You can go and do the stroll and see Dexter and Dot in the top spots now!

And ignore anything Dexter says about mortification. Until you've personally tripped over your own paws and slid down a hill, you don't know how embarrassing life can get!

Baseball dog!

During the local match, a spectator was surprised to see a dog walk onto the pitch and start pitching, eventually striking out the other all star team, and scoring two home runs.
'That's incredible!' he exclaimed to the man next to him.

'Yes,' he said, 'but he's a terrible disappointment to his parents. They wanted him to be a footballer."

How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take
this discussion to a light bulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to
buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique and what brands are faulty

5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs

15 People to post "I can't see anything!" and their own light bulbs

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about
light bulbs"

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that George W. isn't
the brightest bulb.

4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread.

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again...

Short and sweet

Q: What do you call a dog that's always on the phone?
A: A dial-mation.

Q: Why didn't the dog speak to his foot?
A: Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw!

A dog's job?

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.

The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job."

"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"

"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he'll have me answering the phone too!"

Pmail??

"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard." - Dave Barry

The Educated Parrot

This guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to it's right leg. He asks the owner the significance of the strings.

"Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string he speaks French; if you pull the green string he speaks German," replies the shop keeper.

"And what happens if I pull both the strings?" our curious shopper inquires.

"I fall off my perch you fool!!" screeches the parrot.

Puppy Vocabulary

Flower bed = toilet
Tulip = delicacy
Rose bush = see tulip
Tree bark = see tulip
Newspaper = not a toilet; see tulip
Cats = self propelled toys
Mom's fingers and clothes = the best chew toys money can buy
Refrigerator = a god that is to be worshipped and sat in front of many, many times throughout the day, even if no one is in the kitchen
Food in bowl = air, to be inhaled in the same fashion
Blanket for bed = chew toy
Big plant outside the back door = bed
Great big green lawn = not a toilet
Newspaper = something to go potty next too
Dirt clod = see tulip
Compost Pile = smorgasbord
Small children = litter mates (it's even better when they try to run away)
Crying baby = someone to sing a duet with
Safety gates = bad, very bad
Leash = see safety gate
Collar = see safety gate
Puppy Toys = not as fun as baby toys
couch = dog bed
human's favorite chair = see couch
human's lap = see couch
anywhere in particular that you want to be = see couch
toilet = water dish
cat litter box = candy store
birdseed = dog food
people food = see birdseed
baby food = see birdseed
fake plastic Easter grass = same as outdoor grass
outdoor grass = toilet
My new brothers tail = tug toy
My new brothers chest = tug toy
My new brothers lips and ears = tug toy
No! = my shadow's name, every time I hear it, he's there.


author unknown

Tiger Ego!

There was this tiger who woke up one morning and just felt great. He felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him, "Who is the mightiest of all the jungle animals!?!" And this poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."

A little while later, this tiger confronts a deer and just bellows out, "Who is the greatest and strongest of all the jungle animals!?!!" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer, "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."

The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds and roared at the top of his voice, "Who is the mightiest of all the animals in the jungle!?!?!!"

Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down, picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black, and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so cranky!"

What Woof means

10) Fluff my pillow.

9) It's too hot for a walk. You'll have to go for the both of us.

8) Don't forget to scratch behind the left ear also.

7) I do believe my water bowl runneth dry.

6) Turn on the Air Conditioning

5) Drop the nail clippers and slowly put your hands over your head.

4) First rub my belly, then we'll worry about your needs.

3) Gee, what a lovely sweater you bought me Mom and Dad.

2) The floor you say? No, I'm quite comfortable here on the couch.

.......and, the #1 thing Woof really means:

1) I am dog, master of all the universe.

Advice from Dogs

Always choose the second-most comfortable chair. If you choose the best chair, someone will make you move.

Have some pride. Don't beg.

A handshake is the proper greeting. Don't sniff someone's butt. Things will get off to a bad start.

Don't stand up in a moving vehicle.

Pace yourself. Periods of high activity should be followed by a nap.
If you have to throw up, move off the rug.

Don't whine. If you do, someone will eventually just tell you to "quit whining."

Show a deep interest in what others are doing. For example, if someone likes gardening, GET INVOLVED. Help dig.

If someone is sleeping, sleep right along with him.

Be friendly.

If you put your head out the car window, keep your mouth shut.

Remember: Give others privacy in the bathroom. It's OK, though, to lie down in front of the door until they come out. (Also, there's no secret exit
from the bathroom, so whoever went in will eventually come out. See "Don't whine.")

Never eat a stick.

It's more important to be nice than to be rich - as long as there's enough money for biscuits.

Bees are not meant to be toyed with.

It is good to take walks, greet the neighbors, then go back home where you belong.

Never chase cars.

Hot air balloons probably won't harm you, but why take the chance? Go to the basement if one comes by.

Be yourself. A pretentious dog - or person - is a laughingstock.

Sit in the shade.

Once in a while, run real fast for no reason.

Don't eat soap. (See item on "throwing up.")

Don't take yourself too seriously, but if you have a job, such as keeping an eye on the squirrel, take your work seriously.

Don't hold a grudge. (A little sulking behind the shed is OK.)

If someone comes home late, be happy to see him.

In Frisbee, what matters the most is really wanting to catch it.

Be humble. If you're not, others will just say, "He sure does think he's something, doesn't he," and then you're automatically not something
anymore.

Be careful around people with crutches.

Don't be alarmed when a skateboard goes by.

Never sneak sips from someone's beer glass. It catches up with you.

In a pinch, if you feel confused, sit.

Why Dogs are Better than Kids

- It doesn't take 45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter.
- Dogs cannot lie.
- Dogs never resist nap time.
- You don't need to go get extra phone lines for a dog.
- Dogs don't pester you about getting a kid.
-Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the mashed potatoes.
- Average cost of sending a dog to school: $42. Average cost of sending your kid: $103,000.
- Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old.
- Your dog is not embarrassed if you sing in public.
- If your dog is a bad seed, your genes cannot be blamed.

The 10 Commandments According to Fidonai

1.Thou shalt have no other Dogs before me.
2.Thou shalt not chew thy furniture into a graven image.
3.Thou shalt not call my name in vain unless thou hast a T*R*E*A*T for me.
4.Remember thy daily Walks, and keep them holy.
5.Obey thy GoodMom and thy GoodDad, even unto tutoring.
6.Sit!
7.Stay!
8.Leave it!
9.When thy neighbor barkest, so too shalt thou bark.
10.Thou shalt not covet thy pack-mate's T*R*E*A*T*S.

(Chewish doggies would go around and spread the word of Dog by woofing it all night. This was called the Bark of the Covenant, and the dogs that did the woofing would woof until they foamed at the mouth, so they were called Rabies.)

Top 10 Reasons why K9 Candidates don't make it as Detection- Dogs....

By Chomi Ohoyo


Arson Dogs -- couldn't get the dog fired up.
Water Search Dogs -- dog was in over his head.
Airport Detection Dogs -- dog was too flighty.
Drug Detection Dogs -- dog wouldn't inhale.
Currency Detection Dogs -- the dog was a poor candidate.
Agricultural Products Detection Dogs -- dog had no taste for the work.
Wildlife Detection Dogs -- dog was just winging it.
Explosives Detection Dogs -- dog kept blowing it.
Termite Detection Dogs -- dog bugged me too much.
Gypsy Moth Detection Dogs -- dog's mind kept wandering.

Puppies!

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of German Shepherd puppies. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy German Shepherd puppies and two girl German Shepherd puppies."

"How did you know that?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on their bottoms.

Chain letter

Dear Dog Owner,

Are you experiencing too many reserves and 2nd places to inferior animals in the dog show ring?

In the agility and/or obedience ring, does your dog forget his own name?

Well, this simple chain letter is meant to bring relief and happiness to you. Unlike most chain letters, it doesn't cost money.

Simply send a copy to six other dog owners who are dissatisfied with the way their dogs are working and showing.

Also bundle up your dog and send him/her to the dog owner at the top of this list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

Do not use a return address or the post office may try to contact you.

In one week, you will receive 16,436 dogs, and at least one of them should be a keeper.

Have faith in this letter. Do not break the chain. One owner broke the chain and got his own dog back

Harry Potter mania! No spoilers, just silly jokes.

It's finally the day! Mum's staring out of the window, waiting for the nice UPS man to bring her book. While she does that, I want to share some giggles

How many Quidditch players does it take to light up a wand?
Six to work their butts off and a Seeker to take the credit

What do you call Professor McGonagall trapped between two layers of bread?
A sandwitch

What's packed with flowers and full of danger?
The Forbidden Florists

What do you call a wizard that is a hit with the ladies?
A smooth apparator

Where do you find Dumbledore's Army?
Up his sleevey

What lies on the floor of Voldemort's barber's?
The Hair of Slytherin

Vincent was love tagged!

By our great pal Cheesecake.And I've been love tagged by Special Dawn and Mica, who really is a Wonder Dog! So we have to choose three of our pals, and tell you all why they are so terrific! It's very hard to choose just three, but here goes...

First - our Border Collie pack, Teagan, Bertie, Boomer and Skye. We met almost two years ago when Bertie was dog of the week. And ever since then we've talked every day - they are smart and wonderful!

Next, N'Walins gang. We met trying to find new homes for some dogs in a rescue that was closing. We've been partners in all kinds of things since then - check out Vincent's diary for the latest, trying to help two lost dogsters in WA find home.

And last, but far from least - Mellow, Caelen and Lainie. Lainie's one of the Kansas 6 pack. Even though our mums had chatted on dogster for ages, they'd never met. That all changed right after Christmas on a road trip to get 4 of the girlies. They were either going to be friends or enemies after 12 hours in a car together - and they chose friends!

10 Reasons Your Dogs hair cut costs more than yours

10. Your hairdresser doesn't wash and clean your rear end.

9. You don't go for 8 weeks without washing or brushing your hair.

8. Your hairdresser doesn't have to give you a sanitary trim.

7. Your hairdresser doesn't have to clean your ears.

6. Your hairdresser doesn't have to clean boogies from your eyes.

5. You sit still for your hairdresser.

4. Your haircut doesn't include a manicure or pedicure.

3. Your hairdresser only washes and cuts the hair on your head.

2. You don't bite or scratch your hairdresser. (I hope not anyway).

And the Number 1 reason your dog's haircut costs more than yours....

1. The likelihood of you pooping or peeing while your hair is being cut is extremely slim.

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at a Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched, full-out, on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a very pretty young lady, gave me a strange look and said,

"Why don't you just put it in park"?

Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop near Duluth. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, 'Dat's dem.' The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 'Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere.' says Sven. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Two Harbors. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.' He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: 'By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me.'

VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!

Moments later Knute who's been to the pet shop too, arrives at the cliffs. He walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag and a shotgun. 'Hey, Ole. Vatch dis.' Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot and continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either.'

BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE, you betcha!!

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag and pulls out a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down and hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Ole shakes his head.... 'First der was Sven with his budgie jumping, den Knute parrotshooting.,.and now Lars hengliding.....''

Got to please mum!

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

Short and punny!

Did you hear about the doctor who fell into a well? He learned to tend to the sick, and leave the well alone!

Did you hear about the man who fell into the reupholstery machine? He's fully recovered now.

I sat in line at the drive through window. The plump employee opens the window and says, "Sorry about the weight!"

Man: "Doctor, I think I'm a dog." Psychiatrist: "Mmmm. Interesting. Please lie down on the couch." Man: "I'm not allowed on the couch!"

A poodle in the jungle!

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection fro m the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!"

Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.

"Where's that darn monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Short and punny!

One time when my son was 3 years old, I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a candy bar in his pocket. I didn't buy it, and he certainly didn't buy it, so we marched back to the mall - and we went to the jewelry store.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

In high school, I was in the French club. All we would do is occasionally surrender to the German club.

A cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

The mail man

The mail carrier had a registered letter that needed a signature for a party on his route. Receiving no response to his knock on the front door, he went around to the back door which he found open, except for the screen door. He knocked. A high pitch voice from inside said, "Come in."

Upon entering the kitchen, he was confronted by the largest German Shepard he had ever seen. The dog bared his fangs menacingly, forcing the mail man against the wall. The mail man shouted, "Lady, call off you dog before he eats me alive."

The only response he got was that same high pitch voice coming from the next room saying, "Come in."

Pressing his body against the wall, he slowly worked his way to the door way leading to the next room. Looking around, he saw the room was empty, except for a parrot in a cage. After the threat from the huge dog, he was becoming quite irate and said to the parrot.

"Darn you, don't you know any words besides 'Come in?"

Without a moments hesitation the parrot responded, "Sic him!"

Does your cat own you?

See how many yes answers apply to you.

• Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?
• Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?
• Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?
• Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on your drapes or licks your butter?
• Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?
• Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?
• Do you kiss your cat on the whiskers?
• Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?
• Does your cat sleep on your head?
• Do you like it?
• Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?
• Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?
• Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?
• Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?
• Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?
• Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas?

The Giant Gorilla

There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock.

But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.

So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, “Why can't I touch its fur?” as their didnt seem to be anything wrong with it.

Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldnt understand until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla.

He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.

Suddenly the gorilla went ape and started to jump around, then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into some one else's sports car and drove off.

In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in its own sports car, driving right behing him.

He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden and up the apple tree.

He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.

The man jumped down and ran back in to the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla.

The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shaddow coming down the street ahead.

The gorilla!

It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked striaght into the bloodshoot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly.

This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint.

The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said, “Tag! You're it!”

The Goony Bird

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"

Bizarre - but real! - animal laws

Cats in International Falls, Minnesota, are not allowed to chase dogs up telephone poles.

If your dog gets your neighbor's dog pregnant in Danbury, Connecticut, you are responsible and must pay for the abortion if the neighbor chooses to have it done.

No dog may be tied to a shade tree in Birmingham, Alabama.

An ordinance in Belvedere, California, states "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."

Another misworded ordinance is this one from Arvada, Colorado: "If a stray pet is not claimed within 24 hours, the owner will be destroyed."

Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North Carolina.

In Sterling, Colorado, it is unlawful to allow a pet cat to run loose without a taillight.

In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

Cats living in Cresskill, New Jersey, must wear three bells to warn birds of their whereabouts.

A Fountain Inn, South Carolina, law once required horses to wear pants at all times. But carriage horses in Charleston, South Carolina, were required to wear diapers.

In Calgary, Canada, a by-law requires businesses within the city to provide rails for tying up horses.

In Winona, MS, it is illegal to drive a car on Main Street because it frightens horses.

In Wilbur, Washington, it is against the law for a person to "ride an ugly horse" - the fine is $300!

If you live in California, you cannot keep your chickens, turkeys, goats, cows, and other farm animals in an apartment.

In Cumberland, Maryland, you cannot keep your chickens with you in your hotel room.

In Minnesota, it's illegal to tease skunks.

In Atlanta, it's against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or a street lamp.

Riding a camel on a highway in Nevada is against the law. Over in Galveston, Texas, it is against the law for camels to wander the streets unattended.

In Arizona, it is illegal to shoot or hunt camels.

It's illegal to take a deer swimming in water above its knees in North Carolina.

Bird jokes!

Q: What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A: A brick layer!

Q: If a rooster lays an egg on the middle of a slanted roof, on which side will it fall?
A: Neither side. Roosters don't lay eggs!

Q: Who tells the best chicken jokes?
A: Comedi-HENS!

Q: What do you get if you cross a canary and a 50-foot long snake ?
A: A sing-a-long!

Q: Why did the owl say, "Tweet, tweet."?
A: Because she didn't give a hoot!

My friends are so funny!!

Ringo sent me these and I'm still giggling!!

Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a dachshund?
Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie.

Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist?
He doesn't believe in dogs.

How did the dog get splinters in his tongue?
He ate table scraps.

How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster?
Terrier-fied!

How do mutts get around in the snow?
They use dog sleds.

How do you bake a cake for Lassie?
You start with collie flour....

How do you catch a runaway dog?
Hide behind a tree and make a noise like a bone!

How do you feel if you cross a sheepdog with a melon?
Melon-collie!

How is a dog like a penny?
They both have a head and a tail.

If you take your dog to the mall, where should you leave him?
In a barking space.

Cat laws

Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force ... such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Selective Listening
Although a cat can hear a can of tuna being opened a mile away, she can't hear a simple command three feet away.

Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment, times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach the speed of escape velocity.

Law of Cat Invisibility
Cats think that if they can't see you, then you can't see them..

Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of: Matter + Antimatter + It Doesn't Matter.

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and ummed," the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.

"That's the best part," explained Peter, "you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven!"

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your darned bran muffins! I could have been here ten years ago!!"

The roaches

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.

"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."

"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

Dude ranch

My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.

He told her one had a horn and one didn't, she replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."

Clever dog!

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning."

Her husband replied, "Well, lots of dogs can do that."

The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any papers!"

Circle flies

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are called -- I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's rear end?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement to even think about calling you such a name."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

I think this joke is about my daddy....

A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a birthday/anniversary card.

The clerk replied, "We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?"

The man said, "You don't understand. I need a card that covers *both* events! You see, we're celebrating the fifth anniversary of my wife's thirty-fourth birthday..."

Canaries

A lady went to a pet shop.

"I'd like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner.

"We don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner said, as he showed the lady some pale green parakeets.

"That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated.

But the pet store owner refused to give up. He said, "Just think of them as yellow canaries that aren't quite ripe yet."

A wonderful pet!

A man went into a pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy a pet. But, he didn't want your ordinary, garden variety pet! No, he wanted a pet that could do everything!

The shop owner suggested a faithful dog.

The man replied, "Come on, a dog?"

The owner said, "How about a cat?"

The man replied, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The shop owner thought for a minute, then said, "I've got it! A centipede!"

The man said, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." So he got the centipede home and said to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."

Thirty minutes later, he walked into the kitchen and... it was immaculate! All the dishes and silverware were washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He was absolutely amazed.

He then said to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later, he walked into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; and the plants watered.

The man thought to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"

Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."

The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede.

By this point the man was wondering what was going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes.

45 minutes later... still no centipede! He couldn't imagine what had happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where was that centipede?

So he went to the front door, opened it ... and there was the centipede sitting right outside.

The man said, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What happened?!"

The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"

Never trust a cat!

To tell the weather, Go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely,

The CAT

Yikes!

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.

The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: "Wash. Biol. Surv."

Until the agency received the this letter from an Arkansas camper:

"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible."

The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going. "Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey

"No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."

"Thanks for the tip" said the second bee and flew away.

A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked, "How'd it go?"

"Fine," said the second bee, "It was everything you said it would be."

"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.

"That's my yarmulka," said the second bee, "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

Puns from my pal, Bella!

How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It

How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese

What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk

Q: What do you call a bunny with a dictionary in his pants?
A: A smarty pants.

Q: What would you call the Easter Bunny if he married a chicken?
A: The very first rabbit to lay an egg!

Q: What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?
A: A receding hareline.


Q: Why was the Easter Bunny so upset?
A:He was having a bad hare day!

Q: Why was the rabbit rubbing his head?
A: Because he had a eggache! (headache)

Q: How do you catch a unique bunny?
A: UNIQUE UP ON IT!

Q: Why did the Easter Bunny hop down the road?
A: He was making the Movie

Q: What's pink, has five toes, and is carried by the Easter Bunny?
A:His lucky people's foot!

Q: What do you call the Easter Bunny after a hard day's work?
A: Tired.

Q: What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
A: It's been nice gnawing at you.

Q: What does a rooster say to a hen he likes?
A: Your one hot chick!

Q: What did the bunny put over his sore?

Q: What has big ears, brings Easter treats, and goes "hippity-BOOM, hippity-BOOM, hippity-BOOM"?
A: The Easter Elephant.
A: A eggage.

Q: What do ducks have for lunch?
A: Soup and quackers!

Q: What has long ears, four legs, and is worn on your head?
A: An Easter bunnet!

Knock, knock...
Who's there?
"Ether"!
"Ether" who?
"Ether" Bunny!

Q: Why did a fellow rabbit say that the Easter Bunny was self-centered?
A: Because he is eggocentric. (egocentric)

Q: Where does Valentine's Day comes after Easter?
A: In the dictionary.

Q: How do you catch the Easter Bunny?
A:Hide in the bushes and make a noise like a carrot!

Q: Do you know how bunnies stay in shape?
A: Hareobics.

Q: What's the difference between a bunny and a lumberjack?
A: One chews and hops, the other hews and chops.

Q: How does the Easter Bunny say Happy Easter?
A: Hoppy Easter!

Q: Why did the magician have to cancel his show?
A: He'd just washed his hare and couldn't do a thing with it.

Q: What type of movie is about water fowl?
A: A duckumentary.

Q: What's long and stylish and full of cats?
A:The Easter Purrade!


Q: What is the end of Easter?
A: The letter R.

Q: What do you call a duck that just doesn't fit in?
A: Mallardjusted.

Q: Why is the letter A like a flower?
A: A bee comes after it

Q: What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams?
A: They lived hoppily ever after!

Q: What do you call rabbits that marched in a long sweltering Easter parade?
A: Hot, cross bunnies.

Q:What is the Easter Bunny's favourite state capital?
A:Albunny, New York!

Q:What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with a famous French general?
A:Napoleon Bunnyparte!

Q: What is the Easter Bunny's favourite sport?
A:Basket-ball, of course!



Q: Where does the Easter Bunny go when he needs a new tail?
A:To a re-tail store!

Q: Who is the Easter Bunny's favourite movie actor?
A:Rabbit De Niro!

Q: Does the Easter Bunny like baseball?
A:Oh, yes. He's a rabbit fan!

Q: Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Candy.
Candy who?
Candy Easter Bunny carry all dose treats in one basket?

Boy 1: "How did you get that bruise on your arm?"
Boy 2: "I ate some Easter candy."
Boy 1: "Eating Easter candy won't give you a bruise."
Boy 2: "It will if it's your big brother's candy!"


Q: What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with an overstressed person?
A: An Easter basket case!

Q: What's yellow, has long ears, and grows on trees?
A: The Easter Bunana!

Q: Why are you stuffing all that Easter candy into your mouth?"
A: "Because it doesn't taste as good if I stuff it in my ears."

Q: Did you hear the one about the Easter Bunny who sat on a bee?
A: It's a tender tail!

Q: What happened when the Easter Bunny caught his head in the fan?
A: It took ears off his life!

Q: Why do we paint Easter eggs?
Because it's easier than trying to wallpaper them!

Q: Why was the monster sitting in his Easter basket?
He was trying to hatch his peanut butter eggs!

Q: What do you need if your chocolate eggs mysteriously disappear?
You need an eggsplanation!

Q: How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself?
With a hare dryer!

Q: How is the Easter Bunny like Shaquille O'Neal?
A:They're both famous for stuffing baskets!

Q: What's big and purple and hugs your Easter basket?
A:The Easter Barney!

Q: How does the Easter Bunny paint all of those eggs?
A:He hires Santa's elves during the off-season.

Q: How should you send a letter to the Easter Bunny?
A: By hare mail!

Q: How does the Easter Bunny stay in shape?
A: He does lots of bare-obics.

Q: What's the difference between the Easter Bunny and a silly monster ?
A: One's a hare-head and the other's an air-head!

Q: What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with Chinese food?
A: Hop suey!

Q: What do you call a duck who plays basketball?
A: A slam duck.

Q: What do you call a bunny with a large brain?
A: An egghead.

Q: What grows between your nose and chin?
A: Tulips (Two Lips).

Q: What's red and blue and sogs up your Easter basket?
A:Coloured scrambled eggs!

Q: Why did the rabbit cross the road?
A: Because it was the chicken's day off.

Q: How do bunnies stay healthy?
A: Eggercise

Q: "Why are you studying your Easter candy?"
A: "I'm trying to decide which came first-the chocolate chicken or the chocolate egg!"

Q: Why are people always tired in April?
A: Because they just finished a march

Q: Why did the Easter egg hide?
A: He was a little chicken!

Q: What do you call a duck who plays basketball?
A: A slam duck.

Q: What do you call a bunny with a large brain?
A: An egghead.

Q: What grows between your nose and chin?
A: Tulips (Two Lips).

Q: What's red and blue and sogs up your Easter basket?
A:Coloured scrambled eggs!

Q: Why did the rabbit cross the road?
A: Because it was the chicken's day off.

Q: What do you call a bunny with a dictionary in his pants?
A: A smarty pants.

Q: What would you call the Easter Bunny if he married a chicken?
A: The very first rabbit to lay an egg!

Q: What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?
A: A receding hareline.


Q: Why was the Easter Bunny so upset?
A:He was having a bad hare day!

Q: Why was the rabbit rubbing his head?
A: Because he had a eggache! (headache)

Q: How do you catch a unique bunny?
A: UNIQUE UP ON IT!

Q: Why did the Easter Bunny hop down the road?
A: He was making the Movie

Q: What's pink, has five toes, and is carried by the Easter Bunny?
A:His lucky people's foot!

Q: What do you call the Easter Bunny after a hard day's work?
A: Tired.

Q: What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
A: It's been nice gnawing at you.

Q: What does a rooster say to a hen he likes?
A: Your one hot chick!

Q: What did the bunny put over his sore?

Q: What has big ears, brings Easter treats, and goes "hippity-BOOM, hippity-BOOM, hippity-BOOM"?
A: The Easter Elephant.
A: A eggage.

Q: What do ducks have for lunch?
A: Soup and quackers!

Q: What has long ears, four legs, and is worn on your head?
A: An Easter bunnet!

Knock, knock...
Who's there?
"Ether"!
"Ether" who?
"Ether" Bunny!

Q: Why did a fellow rabbit say that the Easter Bunny was self-centered?
A: Because he is eggocentric. (egocentric)

Q: Where does Valentine's Day comes after Easter?
A: In the dictionary.

Q: How do you catch the Easter Bunny?
A:Hide in the bushes and make a noise like a carrot!

Q: Do you know how bunnies stay in shape?
A: Hareobics.

Q: What's the difference between a bunny and a lumberjack?
A: One chews and hops, the other hews and chops.

Q: How does the Easter Bunny say Happy Easter?
A: Hoppy Easter!

Q: Why did the magician have to cancel his show?
A: He'd just washed his hare and couldn't do a thing with it.

Q: What type of movie is about water fowl?
A: A duckumentary.

Q: What's long and stylish and full of cats?
A:The Easter Purrade!


Q: What is the end of Easter?
A: The letter R.

Q: What do you call a duck that just doesn't fit in?
A: Mallardjusted.

Q: Why is the letter A like a flower?
A: A bee comes after it

Q: What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams?
A: They lived hoppily ever after!

Q: What do you call rabbits that marched in a long sweltering Easter parade?
A: Hot, cross bunnies.

Q:What is the Easter Bunny's favourite state capital?
A:Albunny, New York!

Q:What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with a famous French general?
A:Napoleon Bunnyparte!

Q: What is the Easter Bunny's favourite sport?
A:Basket-ball, of course!



Q: Where does the Easter Bunny go when he needs a new tail?
A:To a re-tail store!

Q: Who is the Easter Bunny's favourite movie actor?
A:Rabbit De Niro!

Q: Does the Easter Bunny like baseball?
A:Oh, yes. He's a rabbit fan!

Q: Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Candy.
Candy who?
Candy Easter Bunny carry all dose treats in one basket?

Boy 1: "How did you get that bruise on your arm?"
Boy 2: "I ate some Easter candy."
Boy 1: "Eating Easter candy won't give you a bruise."
Boy 2: "It will if it's your big brother's candy!"


Q: What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with an overstressed person?
A: An Easter basket case!

Q: What's yellow, has long ears, and grows on trees?
A: The Easter Bunana!

Q: Why are you stuffing all that Easter candy into your mouth?"
A: "Because it doesn't taste as good if I stuff it in my ears."

Q: Did you hear the one about the Easter Bunny who sat on a bee?
A: It's a tender tail!

Q: What happened when the Easter Bunny caught his head in the fan?
A: It took ears off his life!

Q: Why do we paint Easter eggs?
Because it's easier than trying to wallpaper them!

Q: Why was the monster sitting in his Easter basket?
He was trying to hatch his peanut butter eggs!

Q: What do you need if your chocolate eggs mysteriously disappear?
You need an eggsplanation!

Q: How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself?
With a hare dryer!

Q: How is the Easter Bunny like Shaquille O'Neal?
A:They're both famous for stuffing baskets!

Q: What's big and purple and hugs your Easter basket?
A:The Easter Barney!

Q: How does the Easter Bunny paint all of those eggs?
A:He hires Santa's elves during the off-season.

Q: How should you send a letter to the Easter Bunny?
A: By hare mail!

Q: How does the Easter Bunny stay in shape?
A: He does lots of bare-obics.

Q: What's the difference between the Easter Bunny and a silly monster ?
A: One's a hare-head and the other's an air-head!

Q: What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with Chinese food?
A: Hop suey!

The race horse

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens, the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me--it's this stupid horse. What is he--deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF! He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"

It's a miracle!

John had a new dog, but he didn't want to deal with puppies so he got her fixed.

However, some how the dog still got pregnant, and even had identical twins! The media loved it and soon she was a celebrity.

John wrote a book about her called, "Two Dachshunds in One: A Spayed Oddity."

Personal ad

This is a singles ad which appeared in a local paper:

"SBF (single, black, female) Seeks Male companionship. Age and ethnicity unimportant. I'm a young, svelte, good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your 4x4, hunting/camping/fishing trips. I love cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours."

Call 020 7837 0006 and ask for Daisy.

The phone number was that of the The National Canine Defence League, and Daisy was an eight week old black Labrador retriever. They received 643 calls in two days.

Rabbit dilemma

An baby rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. This adoption led to some peculiar behaviours on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency for it to run around like its stepsiblings instead of jumping around.

As the rabbit reached puberty, however, it soon faced an identity crisis (don't we all). It went to its stepparents to discuss the problem.

It confessed how it felt different from its stepsiblings and was much forlorn.

Their response was... "Don't scurry, be hoppy."

Duck Labour

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working" replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see your ears are working" says the duck. "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly," says the landlord, "Sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What brings you here?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.

This continues for two weeks.

Then one day a circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your show, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"

" Sounds marvellous" says the ringmaster, "Get him to give me a call."

So the very next day the duck comes into the pub.

The landlord says, "Hey Mr Duck. Have I got a job that's right up your street, paying really good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus" says the landlord.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right" replies the landlord.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the landlord.

The duck looks very confused.


"What on earth do they want with a plasterer?"

Dog quotes

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." - Rita Rudner

"A dog is not almost-human, and I know of no greater insult to the canine race than to describe it as such." - John Holmes

"Dogs, the foremost snobs in creation, are quick to notice the difference between a well-clad and a disreputable stranger." - Albert Payson Terhune 'The Coming of Lad'

"Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun!" - Groucho Marx

"In the world which we know, among the different and primitive geniuses that preside over the evolution of the several species, there exists not one, excepting that of the dog, that ever gave a thought to the presence of man." - Maurice Maeterlinck 'Our Friend, The Dog'

A depressed snake

An old snake goes to see his doctor.

He says, "Doctor, I need something for my eyes. I can't see well these days". The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks, and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

The doctor says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

Dog quotes

When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." - Edward Abbey

"The old saw about old dogs and new tricks only applies to certain people." - Daniel Pinkwater 'Train Your Dog, Dammit!'

"A dog, I will maintain, is a very tolerable judge of beauty, as appears from the fact that any liberally educated dog does, in a general way, prefer a woman to a man." - Frances Thompson New York Times Magazine May 14, 1967

"In a dog-eat-dog world, it is the dogmatic domain of dog lovers to offer dogdom a dog's chance to rise above the dog days for a doggone good time." - AKC Gazette August 1991

Dog quotes

"The dog is a yes-animal. Very popular with people who can't afford a yes man." - Robertson Davies, Canadian author

"No matter how little money and how few possesions you own, having a dog makes you rich." - Louis Sabin

"Dogs have given us their absolute all. We are the center of ther universe. We are the focus of their love and faith and trust. They serve us in return for scraps. It is without a doubt the best deal man has ever made." - Roger Caras

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." - Edward Abbey

A bunny and a snake

Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue and no backbone. I'd say you must be either a computer programmer, or possibly someone in upper management."

Dog quotes

"I like dogs better [than people]. They give you unconditional love. They either lick your face or bite you, but you always know where they're coming from. With people, you never know which ones will bite. The difference between dogs and men is that you know where dogs sleep at night." - Greg Louganis

"If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around." - cowboy wisdom

Dog quotes

"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane." - Smiley Blanton

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." - John Steinbeck

"When a dog bites a man that is not news, but when a man bites a dog that is news." - Charles Anderson Dana, 'What is News?', The New York Sun 1882

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." - Dave Barry

The grizzly bear

An American and his Czechoslovakian friend were out walking in the forest. They rounded a corner and right in front of them stood a giant grizzly bear. Before they could make a move, the bear jumped up and ate the European.

The American turned and ran. He pulled out his cell phone and called the local forest ranger. In no time, an experienced ranger was upon the scene, and they headed back to find the man eating bear.

They neared the site where the man was eaten. They came upon two bears, a male and a female. The ranger asked the American which bear ate his friend. The American replied that it was the male, the bigger of the two.

With that, the fearless ranger pulled out his hunting knife, and with one fell swoop, slashed open the belly of the female, and out popped the man's friend.

"Never trust someone when they say the Czech is in the male."

Dog quotes

"A reasonable amount of fleas is good for a dog; it keeps him from brooding over being a dog." - E N Westcott

"The dog barks backward without getting up I can remember when he was a pup." - Robert Frost

"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson

"If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater...suggest that he wear a tail." - Fran Lebowitz

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." - Edward Abbey

"When old dogs bark, it's time to watch out." - Unknown

Dog quotes

When the Man waked up he said,
'What is Wild Dog doing here?'
And the Woman said,
'His name is not Wild Dog any more,
but the First Friend,
because he will be our friend
for always and always and always.'" - Rudyard Kipling

"My dog is usually pleased with what I do, because she is not infected with the concept of what I "should" be doing." - Lonzo Idolswine

"I used to look at [my dog] Smokey and think, 'If you were a little smarter you could tell me what you were thinking,' and he'd look at me like he was saying, 'If you were a little smarter, I wouldn't have to.'" - Fred Jungclaus

The elephant and the turtle

There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant`s tail, really hard.
Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with His giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river.
The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle. "Why did you do that?" the giraffe asks. "When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason," the elephant replied. "Wow! You must have a good memory!" exclaimed the giraffe.
"Yep!" said the elephant. "I`ve got Turtle-Recall."

Dog quotes

"Elizabeth's back at the red cross, and I'm walking the dog." - Bob Dole, on the Today Show, describing life after the elections, 1997

"It freshens your breath and helps prevent tartar." - Mel Gibson, while eating a dog biscuit at Harvard, 1996

"Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant." - Unknown

"Dogs are getting bigger, according to a leading dog manufacturer." - Leo Rosten

"Barking dogs don't bite people they don't know." - Unknown

Dog quotes

"When a dog runs at you, whistle for him." - Henry David Thoreau

"Flatterers look like friends, as wolves like dogs." - George Chapman

"Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails. What puts man in a higher state of evolution is that he has got his laugh on the right end." - Max Eastman

"I think dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love. For me they are the role model for being alive." - Gilda Radner

Miracle Cat Diet!

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! Except for cats that eat like people - such as getting lots of table scraps - most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!

Day One

Breakfast:
Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavour as long as it cost more the .75 per can - and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.

Lunch:
Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.

Dinner:
Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.

Bedtime snack:
Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.

Day Two

Breakfast:
Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.

Lunch:
Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.

Afternoon snack:
Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.

Dinner:
Open a fresh can of dark-coloured gourmet cat food - tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.

Day Three

Breakfast:
Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminium appliance you can find.

Lunch:
Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.

Dinner:
Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.

Final Day

Breakfast:
Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.

Lunch:
Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.

Dinner:
Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavour that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.

Dog quotes

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.." - Henry Wheeler Shaw

"J'embrasse mon chien sur la bouche!" (I kiss my dog on the mouth.) - Unknown

"Every dog must have his day." - Jonathan Swift

"They say a reasonable amount 'o fleas is good fer a dog -- keeps him from broodin' over bein' a dog, mebbe." - Edward Westcott

Dog quotes

"The biggest dog has been a pup." - Joaquin Miller, US poet

"There are only two rules. One is E. M. Forster's guide to Alexandria; the best way to know Alexandria is to wander aimlessly. The second is from the Psalms; grin like a dog and run about through the city." - Jan Morris

"Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost what it feels about dogs." - John Osborne, Time 31 Oct 77

"[My dog] can bark like a congressman, fetch like an aide, beg like a press secretary and play dead like a receptionist when the phone rings." - Gerald B H Solomon, US Congressman, Entry in contest to identify Capitol Hill's Great American Dog, NY Times 9 Aug 86

Tha cat problem is worse than we thought!

- An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

- Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.

- Dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

- Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

- A cat's motto is no matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

- A cat bites the hand that won't feed it fast enough.

- Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

- Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

- Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.

- Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right.

- Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

- Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.

- Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

- Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

- Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

- I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.

- I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

- In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.

- On the Internet, nobody knows you're a cat.

- One cat just leads to another.

- People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.

- Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. It's all true, and they have many other fine qualities as well.

- There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.

- When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.

- You can always tell a cat, but you can't tell him much.

Dog quotes

"Recipe; a series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat." - Unknown

"Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat." - Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London

"You gonna bark all day little doggy, or are you gonna bite?" - Mr. Blonde "Reservoir Dogs"

"Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs." - Christopher Hampton

Doggie names!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

A beautiful poem

From my pal Finlay - the boy has a way with words! Now, this spoke to me because I understand having a zealie and rosette hogging sibling. I feel your pain, I do!!

IF I HAD A ZEALIE.

If I had a zealie
I'd give you a star.
A tribute of honor,
A gift from afar.

If I had a zealie
You'd never forget.
Daily or weekly,
I'd lob you rosettes.

But I have no zealie
Denied them thereof.
Can offer you only
My undying love.

Yours, Finlay

Dog jokes!

Q: Why did the pitcher throw nothing but balls to the baseball pup?
A: Everyone knows you're supposed to walk a dog.

Q: What did Papa dog tell his children at the dinner table?
A: "Sit!"

Q: When does the weather go splash! splash! meow! woof!?
A: When it's raining cats and dogs!