MooshBlog

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Monday

February 25th 2008 7:58 pm
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Sometimes my butt barks.

I'll be boisterously voicing my opinion on a subject that I feel strongly about and my butt will utter a concurrence. I'll turn around quickly, thinking a big, loud-mouthed manly dog has come up behind me to support my cause, but I'll soon realize it's my elusive butt voice. Though I do not understand the highly nuanced language that my butt is speaking, I have no doubt that humans do. For when I vocalize my point of view, I'm laughed at. But when my butt has something to say, everyone runs away scared and hiding their faces.

So thanks, butt. You're all right.

 

Sunday

December 23rd 2007 8:16 am
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Happy Holidays, my friends. I wanted to inform you all of a delicious new discovery in my life. Balls of Dough. Balls of Dough are what happens to cookies before they're dried out in the big hot box. They may not sound as appealing as Raw Lamb's Esophagus (another winner); but they're surprisingly good, given their tepid name.

Balls of Dough are sweet, chewy and sticky, which encompasses the textures of already chewed bubble gum, rotten garbage and bug guts. They stick to your teeth and the roof of your mouth for long-term enjoyment and are still tasty if you burp them up a few minutes later. Balls of Dough may be the perfect holiday foodstuff. Sometimes, your human will enhance the already tasty Balls of Dough with things like peanut butter, jam or nuts. Even more delicious.

So if you go into your kitchens over the next few days and stand between your human's ridiculously long and ungainly legs, there's a 38% chance that Balls of Dough will fall into your mouth. Another option is to tell your man humans that you have located balls of dough and will disclose the location for a finder's fee payable in Balls of Dough. Good luck, friends, and Merry Christmas.

 

An Explanation

November 27th 2007 11:08 am
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There has been some speculation regarding my sudden change in breed. Yes, I am now a Bullmastiff, like my good-looking and fearsome pal Thor, aka NoodleNuts, aka Turtle McFarkle, aka Thorzl McNorzle Back Ribs BBQ Sauce. If you compare our facial characteristics, you'll see that we both have mushy wrinkles, liver lips, velvety soft ears and a spooky black mask. We both have meaty necks and chicken-bone legs. We share the same black gums, same flat snorty nose, same moles on either sides of our mugs and same floppy tongue that always seems to fall out. We even share awesome and inappropriate nicknames.

There is one striking difference between us, and that's about 3 feet in height and 140 lbs, give or take. But unlike my handsome and confident friend Thor, aka Stinklestein Poopnuts; I had an unfortunate surgical procedure as a very young puppy which left me free of hangy saggy janglers and stunted my growth. I think that happens to a lot of Bullmastiffs, and they are then categorized as pugs.

So I am going to live up to my fullest potential. Sure, I'm not big and tall enough to soak passing pedestrians when I lift my leg to tinkle, but I can sure try my hardest. I am Mooshu - The Bullmastiff!

 

Thanksgiving!

November 24th 2007 10:00 am
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We went to my granny's house for Thanksgiving. I got to pee and poop in a giant yard, ate wildly flavorful foods that are banned at home, got beat up by a long-nose barky Sugar Sheepdog who called me racial slurs and got no less than 48574 hugs. It was the best day of my whole life. I then spent the night alone in my house and was very farty in Cindy's bed. Banned food is the best food.

Thank you to my intelligent and handsome Dogster pals! We will write again soon!

And a big thanks to my friend Louie, who gave me a ginormous turkey-leg!

 

Tuesday

April 3rd 2007 6:18 pm
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Cindy sure seems to have a problem understanding me. I try to speak slowly and clearly, and express my needs in uncomplicated terms, but she stares at me blankly. So I'm jotting down some simple pug expressions for you all.

baroooo: "No dog in the history of the whole world has ever been as desperately hungry as me. In fact, most dogs would have died hours ago, but I credit my bravery and fortitude. The life is leaving my body. Please put food in my mouth."

baroooo: "Would you be so kind as to take my toy off your head? I don't think that's very funny."

baroooo: "I have to pee right now. I'm not a nasty dog like you and choose to relieve myself outside of my home, and unfortunately require your assistance to do so. Put your pants on."

baroooo: "I'd like for you to stop staring at me with your big wide eyeballs. You'd get gnawed on for that kind of behavior back in my old neighborhood. You smell funny."

baroooo: "Are you going to finish those greenbeans?"

baroooo: "I would like to stand in the shower with you, and stare at you. I certainly hope you don't mind. Please lower the water temperature to 80 degrees."

Edited to include the following which may be helpful for the upcoming weekend:

baroooo: "Hardboiled eggs are essential proteins which are beneficial to the specific dietary needs of pugs and part-pug animals. Further, they are scientifically proven to alleviate digestive gasses and convert them to farts which smell like a basket of fresh, clean laundry."

 

Sunday

February 11th 2007 12:17 pm
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I lost my ability to hear last month and have been learning how to get yelled at with Cindy's wildly motioning hands, instead of her loud and abrasive voice. Because I am a DeafDog, I now qualify for special behavioral exemptions, like talking to myself late at night without getting in trouble, for example. I also get to sleep on Cindy's pillow, with my feet buried in her hair, so I can keep an eye on her while she sleeps, as her snores no longer seem to be an issue.

I've been getting lots of kisses too, though. Those are okay. And New Toy Friday is back. Hooray.

She's thinking about getting me a dog. One who can hear and keep me posted on the sounds going down outside my window. I hope it's a distinguished-looking dog. I will make him my butler.

 

Sunday

December 31st 2006 8:43 am
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There’s a black cat with white feet that keeps sitting outside my window, doing things like licking its face and calling me names. I used to really go nuts and scratch the window and chew on the curtains, to really illustrate my fearsome jaws and pointy teeth, but then Cindy started shaking a magazine at me, which for reasons that I don’t entirely understand is dreadfully frightening and makes my tail uncurl.

So now when it comes up, I start to blow my nose all over the window. MooshSnot everywhere. It makes it all foggy and steamy, and I look like a crazed bull, and it scares the cat away and makes Cindy have to bust out the Windex and paper towels. Now the cat thinks I’m crazy, and everybody knows that crazy is more disturbing than tough any day.

 

Tuesday

December 26th 2006 7:01 am
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Sometimes, I’ll sit on a toy and realize that it’s a very cool toy and will want it in my mouth. But because I am sitting on it, it’s very difficult to pick up, no matter how hard I try. It’s very frustrating.

My life is complicated at times.

 

Sunday

October 29th 2006 12:49 pm
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Cindy and I are moving! I ain't gonna be a Texas dog no more.

I'll still wear my cowboy hat from time to time, however.

 

Friday

October 13th 2006 10:24 am
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I cannot rest with my butt facing the edge of the bed. There are unseen forces waiting to grab my tail and pull me under the bed and dine on my adorable insides. Even while playing Bite Face with Cindy, if my butt is facing the edge of the bed, I have to keep one eye on her, one on my vulnerable heiny.

I'm not a complete scaredy, however. I recenly beat up the vacuum cleaner and lived to tell about it.

To my good friend Mr. J, thanks so much for the kazillion boneys you awarded me on my MooshBlog. You can rub my belly any ol' time.

 
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