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"I Don't Know....Chew Stuff?": My Life as A B-Boy Mafia Hit-Dog

Who Can Judge Talent?

The guardians have been captivated by some silly televised talent show called "American Idol" for the past few months. I can't see too well in two dimensions but I can hear just fine and some of those so-called contestants are just plain painful to listen to. It all sounds like idol chatter to me.

I think it is totally unfair not to include dogs in the competition. I know a few howlers that sound ten times better than any of the chumps they have on that show. Then for the grand prize you have your choice between a year supply of kibble or a record deal.

But who is my favorite Idol judge? I don't know, really. It's a toss-up. You see, Randy speaks my language, dawg. But he keeps his boys in something he likes to refer to as the "Pound" which is not a nice place to be if you're a canine. It must be a cool joint if you're a tall one. Simon speaks his mind and is just as stubborn as any good B-Boy; plus he's got that vicious streak I find appealing. And Paula, well, she looks like she might drop some food.

It pretty much was a consensus among the tall ones that guy Taylor deserved the prize. Is it just me or does he bare a slight resemblance to an Old English Sheep Dog with that mop of gray and white hair? He's alright in my book for a two-legger. I might even offer my services as "Soul Patrol K-9 Security". Of course it's only another venue through which I can make The B-Boys seem legit. You know kind of like how The Hell's Angels were hired for concert security that one time.

I'm All Out of Chew...I'm So Lost Without Chew.

It finally happened today.....Ray chewed himself into a slight coma. We were both right in the middle of a great chewing session in the living room. The tall ones were playing a board game when suddenly he lost will to chew. It was so sad to see him in such a state: stretched out motionless on his side under the coffee table, head thrown back and bone cupped around his lower jaw. He remained this way for a good 15 minutes while I continued gnawing. Hey, I've got my priorities straight, besides he was still breathing so there was no real emergency.

The tall ones found this extremely amusing for some reason. They couldn't contain their laughter and started running around like morons trying to find the camera. Ray never moved a muscle the entire time. I was thinking to myself how sad and pathetic they all looked. The guardians often act like fools but Ray is supposed to be the dignified and mature one. It is totally out of character for him to show any signs of weakness in front of them.

I have to say I may have lost a little respect for him today. After all of his guidance and mentoring, from now on I'm going to take everything he says with a grain of salt. It could be old age setting in after all he is 4 1/2-year-old where as I'm a feisty almost 2-year-old. I've heard rumors that after two years Basenji's usually tone down the chew and some even completely give it up. That's never going to happen to me, my position in the B-Boy Mafia depends on it.

It is entirely possible it was all an act on Ray's part to throw the tall ones off their guard. He could be establishing a false sense of security in them. Therefore, they might leave more important things, tastier things lying out in the open for us to chew when their not around if they think we're not interested. I wouldn't put it past him to think like that. After all, there is a reason we call him "The Brain".

Then again, Ray does like to get his picture taken. He's a bit of a ham.

The Grand Vacation

The Family & I just got back from a very well deserved vacation. It’s hard work keeping up with the B-Boys so a road trip to New Orleans and back was just what the vet ordered. One of our molls, Simone, house sat for us to make sure no one made off with any of our loot. Good to see she didn't touch any of my stuff. Perhaps this is proof she can be trusted for bigger jobs.

The first day we took a really long car ride. Ray & I normally sleep during the day so we laid claim to the back seat & curled up. Every once in a while one of us would get up to check out the scenery and see if anybody was following us.

We spent few days with our cousin Jezebel at her own private dog park. She showed us how she's learned to climb trees since our last meeting. That's a pretty neat trick for a beagle but Ray & I know how to climb stuff. Besides, there aren’t many trees like that in the city so I don't see how we can use that one.

We then made another drive to NOLA. Wow, I thought I was destructive but this Katrina character really knew what she was doing. We have another cousin in Miami who came from here. Now I understand why she left. It's so sad to see. We stayed a few days with our cousin Sweetie next to the Mississippi River and we got to run up and down the levee every day. Ray kept trying to live out some sort of "Proud Mary" fantasy. I convinced him to give up that dream by reminding him that if he complains about the grass being dewy in the morning how was he going to live on a riverboat?

On our way back home we paid homage at the basenji graveyard on The Farm. I heard a rumor that there's a cat buried there someplace. He better be glad all the graves are unmarked or I'd have his body dug up. The great-grandguardian told us the story of the mighty Pelekia, the very first basenji in The Family. Apparently she was a little bitch but great bird dog. I heard one of the tall ones talk about me having the potential to do that someday. The only thing I'm interested in hunting right now is socks. They’re easy to catch because they don't fly.

It's good to be back on my beat here in SOBE but I can't wait to go back to The Farm again. It was really great running around all day practicing my pouncing skills on unsuspecting bugs. I only wish it wasn't so far away. I think the tall ones feel the same way.