February 16th 2005 4:46 pm
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This month's missive is dedicated to that je ne sais quack -- that certain something that lets you get away with anything, and never really suffer any consequences...
That's right, it's all about popularity, or perception, really.
Now I'll let you in on a little secret. I am one hell of a hell-raisin' kinda dog. We had to move from the last town we lived in, cuz I got locked up too much, and my mom was just too embarrassed to stay.
Once, I got picked up for causing a car accident...I picked the busiest intersection in town, and just leaped around, trying to greet all the drivers! Funny, they all hit each other, and the nice dog catcher came to pick me up.
Another time, I got picked up for digging up the better part of the foundation under the courthouse buildings. Can you blame a dog for wanting to see what the judicial system is based on? (I'd tell you, but it's not pretty -- let's just say there's a lotta dirt under there...)
More than once, I visited various fine establishments in town -- the pizza joint, the bookbinder's, the drive-in McD's (very fine pickins) -- and everytime, I'd have to go back to the doggie slammer. Not that I minded -- it was more like a motel with food and lotsa guys to hang out with. Honestly, I kinda like it in the slammer.
But I digress -- What you need to know is how did I get away with all that (and oh so much more) without so much as a spanking or a raised voice?
It's all in the attitude -- I'm a blond blond dog, and no one thinks I'm capable of a single evil deed. I mean, look at my face, does this look like a dog that will eat your poop and then roll in it? No way -- people trust this face. I oughta run for president...just save me your poop for later.
November 24th 2004 1:11 pm
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so this is the thing...it's like totally that time when humans pig out, and blatantly ignore the anguish all that cooking smell does to us (i mean, why cook it, when it's better raw? -- must be to torment us with smells!).
here's my little list of instructions on a happier day for us dogs...
1. practice jumping up onto the table. no more begging with your nose tantilizingly close to the edge of the table. no more big puppy dog eyes. practice your leap so you can clear the edge, and land all four paws squarely planted on the table. pulling the tablecloth with two paws is ok, but not as effective for step two...
2. work on your licking agility. this will be what sets the dogs apart from the puppies. the more you lick, the less they will want to eat it. in other words, all you lick is yours. (like peeing, but less likely to land you in the yard)
3. breathe and focus on timing. you have to time it just right. enough time to wolf down a few tons of food, but not too much time, or else you'll be banished and sent to the lab for more experiments (remember getting "tutored"?!). if your moms like to drink, you should be fine once they've started getting loud. (if they're always loud, look for stumbling)
4. leave evidence. this one is a bit controversial -- yes, you're more likely to get in "trouble" -- so i'll leave it to you to decide whether it's worth it or not. but here's the thing, most moms won't want to let on that you had a chunk of their food. so if the guests see that it's been gnawed on and pawed at, the better the chances that they'll order or go out, and throw out the "bad" food. then it's just up to you -- you do know how to get into your trash, don't you???
ok, good luck, and save me a drumstick!
November 23rd 2004 11:22 am
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sunday 11/21/04: just another lovey day in the neighborhood (and remember, the whole world is my neighborhood...). we went for a romp in pacifica, and i made it to montara before my mom's voice got too agitated. dude, it's a bummer when she gets upset like that. plus is was kinda time for dinner.
so i got myself back to the picklemobile in time for some snoozing before my driver got me home for dinner...