Oliver's Occupations

Oliver the Basset Detective

My mum wrote this story about me, and I wanted to share it with everyone, since I'm the hero! 'Rob the Butler' is my dad, and Polly and Laddie were friends of mine when we lived across the big water before we moved here where people talk funny.

Oliver the Basset Detective

Oliver was taking his mid-afternoon siesta on the well-chewed couch in his office at the house on Gisburne Way, when he heard a quiet knock at the door.

“Enter,” he called.

His butler Rob entered hesitantly, remembering past instances when he had been soundly disciplined for disturbing Oliver Basset at an inopportune moment.

“There is a Miss Polly Shi Tzu to see you, sir,” Rob told him and then stood back to allow Miss Polly to enter.

She was a beautiful bitch, silver and white with long, flowing locks and large shining brown eyes. Oliver knew that this was one case he wouldn’t be able to turn down. He was a sucker for a damsel in distress. He stood up from the couch and led her over to one of his comfortably gnawed, hairy armchairs. After she had seated herself comfortably, Oliver offered her a drink from his dog-bowl. When she declined, he sat down on the couch again.

“What seems to be the problem, Miss Polly?” He asked kindly, chewing contentedly on his rag toy.

“It seems that my owner’s pooper-scooper has gone missing, Mr. Basset. I have heard around the lampposts that this is becoming something of a problem for many dogs in the area. I need your help to get it back, for until it is recovered, I cannot do my business.” Miss Polly’s eyes were shiny and Oliver saw that she was on the verge of tears.

“This is a terrible crime!” Oliver Basset exclaimed. “Until I have solved this case, I advise you to use my back garden, out through the dog door there,” he gestured toward the back wall of his office with one furry paw.

“Oh, thank you, Mr. Basset, for taking on my case. I don’t know how we would have coped without you!” She trotted over to him and licked him across the snout before bounding out the dog door into the garden.

Oliver opened his office door and called for Rob. “I will need you to clean the garden after Miss Polly is finished. Also, please call Dr. Laddie. I will need his help in tracking down the evil perpetrator of this crime.”

He went back into his office to await Dr. Laddie. Miss Polly re-entered his office and settled herself on the armchair, after “skiing” along the carpet for a few minutes. She apologized for her behaviour, saying that it had been a long time since she’d been able to do her business.

When Rob told him that Dr. Laddie was waiting in the hall, Oliver instructed his butler to clean the carpet in his office. Then he grabbed his coat and led his partner out to the front door onto the street.

“Well, Dr. Laddie. The game is a-paw. Why don’t we begin at the park by asking some questions of the locals.”

Dr. Laddie shook his large hairy head in assent. He was an old English Sheep Dog who was quite young in dog years, but his long white and grey hair made him look old and a fair bit like a dirty mop. Still, he was the most faithful companion Oliver had and was useful in his investigations, with his extensive forensics knowledge.

“Dr. Laddie, I suspect that this crime spree has something to do with Charlie, the infamous Cat Burglar. You remember, he was responsible a few years back for stealing the Kitty Litter from every cat’s home in the city!”

“I agree with your deduction, Oliver. How should we proceed?” Dr. Laddie barked gruffly.

I suggest that we -” he broke off suddenly, having spotted the cat burglar himself fleeing through the park, weaving around groups of dogs huddled together in agony, unable to relieve themselves.

“There he is, Laddie! After him!”

They ran towards the park exit that Charlie had passed through. Oliver knew their suspicions had been correct as Charlie had been carrying a pooper-scooper in his mouth as he ran. That’s really not very sanitary, Oliver thought as he rushed after the sinister cat burglar. But he knew Charlie had not spotted himself and Laddie, as he’d been fleeing in the opposite direction.

“Quickly, Laddie. We must find his hideout and catch him as soon as is caninely possible,” Oliver called over his shoulder as he bolted down the side road after the fiendish Charlie.

As they turned the corner, they saw Charlie’s ginger tail disappear into a cat-flap on a small, white house. After much pushing, shoving and squeezing, they entered the villain’s lair. Stacked from floor to ceiling were the stolen pooper-scoopers, a rainbow of red, green and blue plastic. Charlie let out a piercing shriek of dismay, as he discovered his arch-nemesis in his hideout. He attempted to squeeze past them and out through his cat-flap, but Oliver was too quick for him. They diverted him from his intended escape and chased him up the stairs, finally cornering him in his laboratory where the walls were covered in plans for his next fiendish plot.

“Give up, Charlie. We’ve got you cornered!” Oliver roared. Charlie hissed and meowed, waving his tail back and forth wildly and baring his teeth and claws. “With what we have here in this house alone, you won’t be hatching any more schemes for quite some time.”

Oliver made a quick leap and trapped Charlie to the floor. Within seconds, Laddie had him paw-cuffed to the bedpost.

As the police took Charlie the Cat Burglar away, they thanked Oliver Basset for helping to foil yet another of Charlie’s dastardly plots. “This case has been puzzling us for weeks, Mr. Basset.”

“Well, you haven’t been in the business as long as I have,” Oliver said magnanimously before turning to his faithful companion Dr Laddie. “How would you like to join me for a late supper of kibble and tapwater? Rob may have an inferior intellect, but he makes a mean bowl of kibble.”

“I would love to,” Dr. Laddie said, and the two returned to the house on Gisburne Way to tell Miss Polly that her owner’s pooper-scooper would soon be returned by the police.

Miss Polly thanked Oliver and Laddie profusely, licking them each repeatedly on the muzzle before excusing herself and running home.

Oliver sighed with lust. “Wish I’d gotten her phone number. Rob’s leg just isn’t as satisfying as it used to be.” He told Rob to bring in their late supper and they sat down to enjoy their well-earned meal.

A Day in the Life of Oliver Basset

(On any day She Who Must Be Obeyed is working from home)

06.30 Rudely awakened and shoved outside into the cold

06.35 Feeding time. Chew each bite 100 times to drag out the process as long as possible.

07.00 Find Nugget on bed, hump him mercilessly until he moves.

07.02 Nap.

07.46 Move to couch.

07.49 Nap.

09.22 Turn over.

10.16 Lift head to watch She Who Must Be Obeyed head into kitchen.

10.18 Sniff air excitedly in case there's food being prepared.

10.20 Decide it's only coffee being made, fall back asleep.

11.51 Stand up on couch, turn around several times, dig a little bit to make cushion more comfortable, get yelled at for digging, flop down and go back to sleep.

12.45 Follow She Who Must Be Obeyed into the kitchen to see what's on for lunch.

12.50 Try desperately to trip She Who Must Be Obeyed while she's carrying food.

12.52 Sit at She Who Must Be Obeyed's feet whining and dribbling drool between her toes.

13.06 Give up on food, lay down on rug. Nap.

14.18 Jump up on couch, push Nugget off couch. Sleep.

15.23 Sit in front of She Who Must Be Obeyed waggling in the hopes of getting a scritch on the head.

15.26 Roll over for belly rub.

15.31 Lose interest when She Who Must Be Obeyed gets back to work. Go to get drink of water. Head outside to relieve self, check out what's going on with the neighbours.

15.40 Crawl onto bed. Afternoon snooze.

16.51 Grumble at Nugget who has decided to start barking non-stop at absolutely nothing.

16.52 Decide Nugget's barking can be slept through. Go back to sleep.

18.10 Wake up when He Who Doesn't Have To Be Obeyed comes home. Sniff him to see if any food was brought in.

18.35 Dinner time. Drive He Who Doesn't Have To Be Obeyed insane until he puts out dinner.

19.00 Walkies! While out: practice drool-flinging at the neighbours. Desperately pull on leash in order to piddle on nearest person's shoes.

20.00 Jump up on couch onto He Who Doesn't Have To Be Obeyed's lap. Snooze contentedly.

-- no recollection of anything between 20.00 and 23.00 --

23.00 Bed time. Refuse to get off couch until offered a doggie-Oreo or a liver treat.

23.05 Head in to bed. Sleep. Dream of chasing bunnies.