Spinto-beagle -- La Canina

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3uL_-PlmfwI

To think I began life as a soubrette. I think I'm ready for the Aidas and Giocondas now. Or even Salome. I think I was *born* a Salome, as in, well, she danced naked for Jokanaan's head, right? So...we both do tricks for treats, don't we?

What?

Spinderella

AROOOOOOO to all you doggy pals out there! Sorry I haven't updated in such a long time...Sis 2 is back, so we've had to spend LOADS of time together! A beagle just hasn't any time to herself in this house. But I'm not complaining, honest I'm not.

Anyway Sis 2 is a literature (whatever that is -- a new type of flea powder, maybe?) student, and I've been learning loads off her. Stories, mainly--I've been nosing around her books these few days. A particular favourite of mine...here, let me share it:

Once upon a time there was a beautiful, BEAUTIFUL beagle who lived in a house full of humans. Oh, and a smelly maltese who would never EVER let the beagle play tug-of-war in peace because he was constantly humping her head or whatever he could reach...anyway, I digress. This beautiful, beautiful beagle was forced to do tricks all day long to earn her keep. And, as her scary sister liked making her spin left and right and left and right and right and left again, over and over, the poor beagle acquired a new name--- that of Spinderella.

...and that's it. Look, I've never had any trouble reading, all right? but I *do* have trouble turning the pages when Sis 2 isn't looking.

AROOOOOO! Until next time...AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Susie

Of Jokers and other things

Hi diary! Sorry I haven't updated in awhile...well, I couldn't have done, what with all the stuff Mummy makes me do for treats. I get worked to the bone, I tell you...though, speaking of which, Mummy bought me the most GI-NORMOUS bone I have EVER seen the other day! I worked on it for hours and hours and hours and still only managed to reduce it by half a foot. Nevermind. I think I'll sleep next to it again tonight, on my special carpet, instead of going back to my basket as I've always done. Just in case my bone gets lonely in the middle of the night and needs some gnawi----uh, loving. Yeah.

What sort of work did I have to do to earn this boney-bone-bone, you may ask? Well, I have a sort of routine I have to go through every single time. Usually Mummy asks for a toy of her choice, and I have to go fetch it for her before doing a slew of other tricks.

Sometimes though, I get real scared that Mummy might lose patience while I'm searching for the toy and give my treat to Moo instead. Okay, so she's never done it before but...THERE IS ALWAYS A FIRST TIME, RIGHT? right! Doesn't hurt to be too cautious! So if ever I can't find the toy within the first ten seconds, I grab what Mummy calls the 'joker'. I don't know why. I think of it as the thing-that-isn't-the-wheelie-the-duck-the-red-hearties-the-b rown-thingmajig-the-rubber-doggie.

Mummy never lets me off with that, though. Poo. So I have to go back and retrieve the one she wanted in first place. Not the thing-that-isn't-the-wheelie-the-duck-the-red-hearties-the-b rown-thingmajig-the-rubber-doggie.

I guess I should trust Mummy more. Though...and what *is* a joker, anyway? I thought I was the joker round the house?

Got to go!Until next time...AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Enemy at the Gates!

Arooo! AROOOO! Just now I finally had a chance to prove myself! See, generally when people come over to visit Mummy, they say hi and talk to Emma and stuff, right? That's what proper visitors do, right? Anyway, I don't know what happened, but this mean-looking man came right in and started scribbling things into a clipboard, and generally IGNORED EVERYONE. What was up with that? And he just came in because the gate was ajar! So I ran up to him barking to say, 'hey, a stranger, look sharp guys'...I mean, I do that to everybody for the first minute or so before I do my sniff-and-snuggle routine. No biggie.

Well, this man KICKED me! Real hard against the ribs, too! It hurt a lot, so I knew he was bad, and Emma was running over and I was worried she'd get hurt too, so I bit him on the leg when he tried to kick me again. It wasn't much of a bite--no blood or anything and I mean, I'm a beagle and beagly teeth aren't exactly terrifying---but the next thing we knew, he'd gone out and 5 mins later, two vanfuls of big men wearing caps and identical clothes arrived, plus a weird car that made funny noises---sounded a bit like me---and flashing lights! I was a bit scared of the men so I hid behind Emma, who started talking in a very loud voice (she was angry at the bad man, a rude 'gas-marks man', she later on told me. Whatever that means). Then the tallest of the men asked a question, I didn't hear what, and Emma pointed to me. I sat there, very still and small, and tried my best to wag my tail. Anyway, he took one look and all of a sudden every single one of the big men started laughing and laughing and they couldn't stop!

I don't see what where the humour lay, and I asked Moo: he didn't know either. One thing's for sure---people sure are weird. I can't wait till Mummy comes back.

'What-cam?' or 'Mummy is crazy!'

I was doing something very difficult today, namely running from my bone to Moo's bone and back again. This requires a high degree of paw-eye coordination as I have to watch out for Mummy; she'll take away Moo's bone if she realises I'm trying to eat them both...or worse, mine! (Because my bones are always bigger, tee hee!) So every time Mummy looked over I had to make sure I was back at my own. But...I really think Mummy is magic, because SOMEHOW she knew, and she took away Moo's bone. I had to content myself with my own. Boooo! Seeing as Moo wasn't interested in it in first place, Mummy could've given me both of them!

Anyway, when she picked me up later on I thought she was going to give me a spank for being what she calls 'greedy' and what I call 'practical'...but for some reason she brought me into the room where Dad and Sis 2(whenever she's back home) generally sit around in after dinner, making tappy noises and squinting at what they call 'puterscreens'. Whatever. Anyway, I was really surprised when Mummy sat down in front of one as well...and...between you and me, I think she's lost her mind at last, because she grabbed my hand and started waving it for no reason whatsoever. Mummy, are you mad? You know I only wave for treats! Put me down!

Afterwards she told me she was showing me to Sis 2, which was a blatant untruth because all that time i was in the room there was NO TRACE OF SIS 2 ANYWHERE (except for her smell but that's gotten really faint because she hasn't been around for ages). Huh!

I was going to tell Mummy off for lying, but then I realised that maybe being separated from Sis 2 for so long has made Mummy sad. They say sad people have dreams about people they miss and when they wake up they think it's all real. I know, because I dreamt I had eaten Moo's poopoo in the garden but when I woke up it was all gone. It's okay, Mummy, I understand.

(Moo told me later that I had actually eaten his poopoo, which is why it isn't there anymore. Doh.)

MARS EXPEDITION!

MARS BARS! I just love Mars Bars! Daddy bought home a packful of minis today and left it on the *verrry low* coffee table...sure sign he meant me to take it, so I nabbed them all---well, 4 out of 6 anyway, he'd gone and had 2 without asking my permission but that's okay, I love Daddy and I don't mind if he steals my food sometimes.

There's nothing quite like caramel sticking to your teeth. For a moment I was scared I wouldn't be able to go 'awooo', and when Sis comes back and starts singing opera I wouldn't be able to join in and she'd be SO disappointed! (So would I; I like topping her screechers). Anyway, I realised I was just being silly, because I've got super jaws! What is caramel to the powerful maw of Empress Susie, Snoozer of Snoozers, Sampler of All Things Forbidden? (Moo is giving me a funny look; he says it gives him the chills when I say things like that. Things like what? And it's not my fault he's single-coated and gets cold easily.)

Back to the Mars Bars. The wrappers were a bit tricky so I just ate it along with the chocky; added an interesting crinkly edge to the whole dining experience. And...you know what was best about it was that I finished the entire pack! Not all of the wrappers, though; I thought it'd be rather decent of me to leave some of that for Dad. I wish I hadn't, because Mummy saw and threw a fit and said that I wasn't supposed to have chocolate. I don't know why. Maybe she was worried about the caramel preventing me from awooing, too; either way, I've proved that I could handle it, haven't I? Mummy is funny. (But not when she's mad, because she makes a scary face and brandishes whatever I've left off chewing in front of me and I don't like that and try to look away. Sometimes I think it's worse than spanks, because those don't hurt unless it's Daddy doing it.)

Oh well. Guess I'll go hunt some mice. If only they'd take off my jingly collar...

Bones!

Mum came home today with something very, very special, the smell of which had my nostrils on red-alert even before she'd reached the kitchen. I jumped, I twirled, I wagged, I drooled...not exactly Empress behaviour but who could have helped it, what with having the BIGGEST BONE IN THE WORLD in front of her? I ask you.

Readers, I kid you not, it looked like it'd come off the spine of a stegosaur. For a moment I was tempted to ask Mum if she'd raided the local natural history museum. (Then I realised that 1) HK has no natural history museum and 2) my linguistic ability wasn't quite up to the task.)

Susie, take -insert toy name here-! Heel, let go! Wave! High-five! Shake hands! Lie down! Happy to, Mummy dearest. Anything for that boneybonebone you've got lying on the counter. Oh it's MINE? You're giving it to ME? YAYYY!

Moo isn't much for tricks so all he needed to do was sit. He got a bone corresponding to his size, i.e. small. But he---that silly---wasn't too interested and toddled off somewhere...leaving his bone just...sitting there. Waste not want not. Ever so casually, I ambled over and gave that knucklebone a sniff. Mm. Beautiful. I was about to swell my ever-increasing collection with it when I noticed a thoughtful look on Mummy's face.

Flashback of that time I tried to pull the same stunt. Mum took my (much larger) rawhide treat and I had to content myself with Moo's tiny one. Lesson learned.

Readers, I left Moo's bone alone, and went back to my own, a bone truly worthy of an Empress' attention. My goal is to whittle this bone down to three inches so...I might not be updating for awhile. :D You understand, don't you?

Aftermath

Bummer.

It turned out the cake wasn't, after all, meant for me. When Mum and Dad saw the empty plate they both just looked at me and...well, I'm sorry.

At the moment all I can see are their feet. Think I'm going to have to spend the rest of the afternoon hiding under the grand piano.

Mummy and Daddy are clever, though. By some magical sixth sense they seemed to know immediately where I was and soon I was face-to-face with Mummy. Oh, I can't look! I shall turn my face away. Maybe that'll help.

It didn't. Mummy gave me a small spank and silent treatment for absolutely ages and I was so, so sorry. I think both she and Daddy were really mad, because they kept looking away and making sort of weird snorty sounds and their shoulders were shaking like they were laughing, but I know better. I wish I could be a better dog.
-
(Cuddles! Silent treatment over! They love me after all! I shall never steal food again, ever! And...what's that smell...is that a drumstick I see before me...?)

Let me eat cake.

Mum was in the kitchen and there was that gorgeous slice of cake sitting on the table so I took it. I think she'd meant me to have it. See, if she hadn't wanted me to have it she wouldn't have placed it within nose-reach, would she? Besides, she been saying a million times that she's on a diet.

Admittedly it took a bit of work; I had to do the canine slinky thing and quite a bit of pawing but it was worth it, every single crumb of it! And I managed to get it clean off the plate without much fuss and muss...yay me! I do hate a cracked plate; the crash scares me, and besides they don't taste at all nice.

I was going to nose about in the garden for pesky rodents but now I think I'll just gnaw a bone while the cake digests. Contrary to popular opinion, my stomach isn't made entirely of iron, you know.

Snobby? Moi?

So Mum drove us to the old place to pick up a couple of odds and ends. To be perfectly honest, neither Moo nor I could see the point of that; we knew for a fact that our joint crate of bones and toys were already at the new home so why in the name of Fifi was she taking us along? Then again, I'm never one to pass up a good car ride. Especially since I get the passenger seat (next in line to the driver's seat, woohoo!) and Moo gets stuck in the back. Not that he minds. He's such a baby.

When we reached the old house, who did we see but Mer, the gardener. And, would you believe it, he had the nerve to speak to us as though we were *old friends*, as though he'd *moved with us*. As though he was part of the pack.

Moo---silly little thing that he is---got all chummy with Mer but I knew my duties better. I mean, I didn't mind giving Mer the odd courtesy wag when we were still living there at J.Ls, but now this whole "Yoohoo, Sooozieeee" thing struck me as being thoroughly presumptuous. So I ignored him. Wouldn't look at him. Wouldn't even acknowledge his presence. Wouldn't even budge when when Mum grabbed my head and tried turning it forcibly to face Mer. Because that's what good dogs do, know what I mean?

Between you and me, I think I deserved a big juicy bone for behaving so well. But that's just my opinion.