March 9th 2013 5:19 pm
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My Dear Buster Brown--it is almost six months that Mommy has been without you. I have not been on here in almost that long; it has been very painful but I have been trying to be strong for you so you can rest (and play) at peace and not see Mommy crying all the time and missing you so much. I know no matter what, there would be a time that you would have to say goodbye to me. I just hate the way we had to do that. I feel so bad that you and I never really got to be together where you were awake and aware of my presence so we could look each other in the eyes one last time; that last day I was not in a good frame of mind and I remember you pacing around and glancing at me from time to time; I tried not to obsess and get you to settle down after the pacing started, but I do remember finally getting you to rest at my feet that day; but in those last hours I wish we had time so I could tell you how sorry I was that I couldn't fix what was wrong with you, and that your last hours were spent at the place you hated the most--at the vet; you weren't even there for anything serious--I was just worried you had a nose infection and wanted a second opinion. The day you died I was still trying to fix things hoping you would be comfortable and still have a good life again; I always thought you'd live to the ripe old age of 18 and wish we had those extra 4 years so much---but with you being healthy of course. I was hoping the medicine I was giving you would kick in still, and that you could stop pacing and relax. And I was hoping once we got you home that tragic day, you would get to stabilize and stop having seizures so we could have more time together, but that was not to be. And it was so violent, that last seizure you had, that it is so hard to get that vision of you out of my head--you in my arms and me not being able to do anything. I hope you weren't scared or in any pain, but you looked very scared and like you were in all sorts of pain, so I will never know if you were or not. I am so sorry I couldn't save my baby and that you couldn't go more peacefully; you deserved that, especially for all that you went through before that horrid day that I lost my little boy and my best friend. Me and your Daddy love you and miss you very much and hope you are running and playing and having the fun you always loved. I hope you are safe and know you are in my heart always. I carry your collar and ashes with me every day. i love you baby boy. Love, your Mama
October 24th 2012 11:38 am
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Hi Baby Boy,
I hope you are running around and furiously squeaking your jack, without a care in the world, that is what your Momma wishes for her precious boy. I take your pirate collar everywhere and wish you could be here to go where it has been! I always say how you would have liked it if you went here..etc. But, you probably would have been a little unsure, if you'd been allowed to go all the places your collar has been. I miss you--everything about you--which is nothing new and will never change because you were my baby, and there is a hole in my heart, because you took a piece of my heart with you when you left me. That is just the way it is. But your Daddy gave me some good advice this weekend about you not being able to be at peace if you see that I am crying and sad all the time. He was in no way trying to stop my grieving, but, I know he was trying to help me to see a bright spot where the hole is, and that was so sweet and loving of him. His words were the first ones that made sense to me. I am not discounting all of my wonderful friends who have tried to comfort me, but, I just couldn't see past my hurt to realize what I could be doing to you if you are looking down upon me, and while anxiously waiting for me to join you. So, to the best of my ability, when I am able to, I will try to smile everytime I want to cry about you. Right now it still isn't possible, just because I am so emotional. Just try not to worry about Mommy and be as at peace as you can knowing I am okay--I am glad you are not suffering anymore and although I do have some things I wish I could have done over, I know God's plan was right and what happened was the best that could have been for you and me, baby boy. I miss you and your poofy lips, your furious kisses, your nubby, your cow markings, and freckles (or "oil spots" as daddy would call them), and know you are in my thoughts, prayers and dreams. I hope you are playing, and prancing and running around like a bucking baby horse. I love you so much my dear, sweet Rattie. Love, Your Mama
October 1st 2012 3:12 pm
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Hi Baby Boy--Mommy still is having a hard time not having you around. It's been 2 weeks and 2 days. The house is quiet and I miss all the rituals we shared. The kisses in the morning, the kisses when I am getting ready for work, the kisses and hugs before I leave for work. Throwing your "jack" for you when I get home and more kisses and hugs all through the night until bedtime. I miss taking care of you and hearing the jingle of your collar even when you were pacing. I miss you running back and forth eating your food off the carpet in the livingroom. I miss your poofy lips when you are in a playful mood, and when you would bark and run back and forth, and get rowdy with the Chihuahuas when they were playing with each other. They miss you too and are trying to help me by doing some of the things you did, like following me into the bathroom for pets, and begging for strawberries, asparagus, and of course almonds. I hope you are having fun running and playing in heaven and are at peace. I am trying not to be sad all the time, but it's really hard--you were my furry baby and meant everything to me. But, not to worry my precious boy, your Daddy has been wonderful and caring, as we know he is and I thank God for him and his understanding during this difficult time. He misses you very much too and has been being extra strong and brave throughout, even though I know it is breaking his heart not having you around and seeing Mommy crying all the time.
I wish we had 14 more years together; you were so healthy for 13 years and 2 months despite some minor things you had to have fixed--what a blessing that was for us--even the last 4 mos. where you were sick were such a blessing--I am so thankful I didn't waste that time crying and being sad.
I love you and thank you for all the wonderful years we had together. I cherished all the time we had together, and being able to take care of you during your healthy years, and during the last 4 months where you were our special needs baby. I still cherish you and your love for me--you were such a blessing to me. I will try to keep your special love in the forefront of my mind, and to not let my missing you make me sad.
Love, with all my heart, Your Mama