Dogster

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Messages From This Side of the Bridge

I'm still with you

My mom is missing me. Today is 3 months from the day we had to say goodbye. She had a dream about me a couple of weeks ago. I was running around at home and mom was feeling confused because she knew my medical record had been inactivated at work. Suddenly, she felt compelled to get to work and activate my record. But she couldn't figure out how I survived because she remembered holding me when I got the shot. She felt an urgency to tell the doctors that I was alive, but at the same time was completely confused. Mom woke up still a bit confused, which is a testiment to how vivid this dream was. But, I was just showing her that I'm still here with her. Tomorrow is Mother's Day, and I really wish I was there to put my head on her lap and tell her I love and appreciate her. I will tell her, but I hope she hears it. She will be sad without me. I saw her gardening yesterday, she made a trelis for her honeysuckle and was thrilled to see flowers on the bushes she planted 2 years ago. I'm happy for my mom, that she is doing something again. She is still so sad that she lost me, but she has started doing normal things. Happy Mother's Day, I love you.

Memories

Today is my gotcha day. Thank you to my dear friends for sending me gifts today: Teddy, Annie, Droopy, Angel Whisper & Dixie, Charlie & Abbie's family, and Anya, Scarlett & Elise. I knew today would be difficult on mom. It's the celebration of the day I entered her life. And I can't be with her to celebrate it. My mom saved me. I remember that day. I had spent a few days with the doctor that would not euthanize me. The doctor, who could not find out what was wrong with me, chose not to end my life. My owner signed me over to the clinic because she did not want the financial responsibility of my health care when nothing could be diagnosed. The very question of me making it was a reality. When mom came to work the next day and saw that I had not been euthanized, she called the doctor without hesitation and left a message that she was interested in providing me a home. The doctor called back and said, "You know he could die if he can't improve his health." Mom said she understood and still wanted me. Now, when I say my mom saved me, she literally did. You could see every bone in my body. She fed me three small meals a day on a high calorie diet. I eventually gained 10 pounds, which is the most I gained in my life with mom. I was so happy, and mom let me be myself. I put my head on her lap and she would love on me. I loved her and she loved me. She gave me a second chance at life, and I gave her every ounce of love I had. It is hard for mom not to be sad because she loved me so much.

Things happen for a reason

Dear Zane,
I got your message loud and clear today. I have been second-guessing my decision and feeling terribly guilty after losing you. And your disease is uncommon and difficult to diagnose. But, today at work, one of the doctors had a medical book in my work area, and left it open to attend to other matters. Usually, I keep the books open or mark the page so they can come back to it. I walked over to the book and it read "treating glomerulunephritis". My heart sank. I read it. It talked of different options, all of them with unsuccessful or undetermined outcomes. The disease is rapidly progressive. I felt a kind of weight lift off my shoulders. It was as if you were saying, "See Mom, there is nothing you could've done. Stop feeling responsible and guilty." I believe things happen for a reason, things are placed in our path to show us things. And, I believe that today you showed me something, Zane. I am still enormously filled with grief at losing you, but I see that nothing would've changed the outcome. I did what was best for you, my friend. I didn't want you to suffer. Thank you for sending me that message. Thank you for sharing a piece of your life with me. I miss you, my dear sweet beloved Zane.

Love with all my heart,
Mom