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If I could change what was

I looked at a picture

July 20th 2012 11:05 pm
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I know this is supposed to be Shadows diary, but I took a picture of her yesterday. That sounds pretty common, and it is. I have hundreds of pictures of her. But I was looking at it and I realized she grew up. She has grown into a beautiful young lady from a little bit of nothing that was discarded like garbage. Tossed into a corner when she was deemed worthless and left to die. In 2 short months she will be 2 years old, she has not only survived but is thriving.
When I wrapped her in a towel and drove home with her in my lap I kept one hand on her and kept saying "hang on little one just a few more miles. Just hang on". I must have said it a hundred times. The vet took one look at her and shook his head. The tech held her while I grabbed what I needed. They told me to just leave her there, that they would "deal" with her. She hadn't moved, she was limp, she weighed nothing. I couldn't, could not, leave her.
I held her all night. I wiped her off as well as I could, I dripped formula and water into her mouth, I cuddled her, I begged her to just open her eyes. At one am I shoved her face into a dish of formula, and she squirmed and licked it off her face. I did it again and she opened her eyes. Once more and she started lapping. She slept in my arms, and ate twice more. By noon the next day she was frantically searching for food, by suppertime she was harrassing Sabi.
One week later she was vomitting live worms. Too weak, too small, too young. The vet told me again she wouldn't make it. I found an herbal dewormer. It knocked them back enough to get her through the next few weeks.
She reacted to her vaccines, she has a bad heart, she can't see very well, she wears socks on her ears in the winter. She has been a treasure and a trial. I have laughed and cried and pleaded with the Gods. She survived. She learned and so did I. She has shocked and amazed me more times then I can count.
And when I looked at that picture, I saw beauty and strength, grace and joy, hope and love and faith.
Thank you Shadow for surviving and for never giving up on me. I love you.


Its my Birthday!

October 1st 2012 5:56 pm
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Today I am 2 years old! When my mom first got me on October 18 the vet guessed me at 15-18 days old, so they put my birthday down as October 1. Its been a long tough couple of years, but now I'm not a baby anymore. I have almost conquered obedience but it's soooo boring. I like this Agility stuff much better, the tunnel is fun! I still don't like strange dogs, they scare me and I forget my manners. And sometimes stuff scares me when Mom takes me out. I try really hard to be brave but Mom says it's ok and she wants me to just relax. I still need to have my Lambie to sleep at night but I hide it so no one says I'm a baby.

My baby is now my little lady. I am so glad I was there to bring her home that night. For the rivers of tears that I have cried, for the bites and bruises, for the countless vet bills and endless setbacks. It all adds up to one great little dog. She may not be perfect, she may not be the dog I would have chosen, she may have more issues then 10 dogs but if I could change what was, if I could go back and do it all over,erase her existence, I wouldn't change a thing.


I AM smart!

February 23rd 2013 11:05 pm
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Mom keeps crying because everyone tells her to get a better dog, I'm not worth it. Then she hugs me and says I'm wonderful. I just want to play. She put a funny collar on me that made my neck tingle, but I fixed her. I just stayed really close to her, where it never tingles and refused to leave. Yesterday she called her friend and told him to take it back. She said I got "collar wise" way to quick.
We were playing with my weave poles again today, I didn't like them at first but you should see me now! I'm fast! And soon she says I get an A frame, that sounds fun.
We play a new fetch game now. I have to sit before Mom throws it, and then sometimes she makes me drop it on the way back. I still have to go back to Mom though and then she sends me back to get it and bring it to her. And sometimes she says leave it right when I get to it and I'm supposed to go all the way back to her and THEN go back and get it. She says I'm brilliant. I almost never mess it up. I can stay for almost 2 minutes now with Mom almost 5 feet away too. And everytime I down she laughs, cause she says I down like someone shot me. I just want her to hurry and get to the fun stuff.
Our neighbor came to visit the other day and she was really sad, Mom let me play with her cause she says dogs are good for what ails you. She just kept crying so I brought her some toys. She still seemed pretty unhappy so I gave her some kisses and cleaned her glasses for her, she finally started laughing and Mom said I did good.
See, I am smart. Mom was right all along.


Three years

September 30th 2013 11:13 am
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Tomorrow my baby girl will be three. Not to shabby for the pup that wasn't supposed to survive the night. I remember holding her tiny, lifeless body in my hand and feeling that flutter of a heart beat as she fought with unimaginable tenacity to stay in this world.
At three years old she still has an overactive heart and poor lung function. She seems to be able to see movement but fails to identify what it is. She is hyper and defensive, but has fallen in love with the resident beagle and enjoys evening walks with him, mostly muzzle free.
She shows a sweet submission to her beloved Sabi and knows instinctively that she must be careful, which is amazing considering she barrels through life with all the grace of a mini tank. Soon we will both learn to walk this path without Sabs wisdom and guidance.
In three short years Shadow has become a beautiful, loving little lady who faces adversity with a tactless grace that is breathtaking. She came into this world with the deck stacked against her, and has never looked back. She is constantly grinning and her tail never stops. Her green Frisbee is the best toy ever and she takes pains to hide it from the other dogs.
As we prepare for a new phase in life I am comforted by the fact that my sweet Shadow will walk with me into the coming darkness. I cannot predict what the next year will bring, but I am certain that wherever this road goes she will be romping at my side, Frisbee at the ready, when we get to the next crossing.
Happy Birthday Mini Mutt!

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