The Spelzer Chronicles

Live From the White House Press Room

President Isabel: Good morning. Hope y'all like the cookies. I see the cat poo cake is untouched. Don't be squeamish folks. It's tasty...really. Okay let's get this show on the road. Helen you're looking lovely as always. Go ahead dear.

Madame President, word from the Congress is that Representative Sensenbrenner is sitting on the Anti Dog and Cock fighting legislation in Committee. Have you offered any sort of compromise to get this legislation moving?

POTUS: With all due respect to Congressman Sensenbrenner, we feel this is a turf war. The Republicans are feeling the heat from sagging polls and scandals so they are running to their old standbys: Immigration, security, etc. By stating that the Dog Fighting bill is not a priority I think we have a clear indication as to what is wrong with the Republican controlled Congress. I am working closely with Congressman Green to get this bill out of Committee and onto the floor for an up or down vote. Jim...

Yes, we've heard quite a bit recently about the Animal Enterprise Terrorism Act. Despite protestations from the White House the Senate passed its version of the bill. How confident are you that the House version will die in Committee?

POTUS: The Senate pulled an 11th hour end run on their bill, changing its language at the last minute. Clearly the language of the House bill now is an obvious violation of 1st Amendment guarantees to free speech. I believe this extends to boycotts, whistle blowing, and peaceful assembly. I have stated quite clearly that I will not tolerate acts of violence to be perpetrated against Animal Enterprises be they puppy mills, animal testing labs, or what have you. It is already illegal to commit such acts under existing legislation. Though I am dead set against puppy milling I will not support acts of terror, especially on our own soil. This bill is more about protecting large companies like the Hunte Corporation, the largest distributor of puppy mill dogs in the country. We hope that the Congress sees through this charade, strikes down the bill, and protects the first amendment rights of the American people. If not, I will veto this bill. Susan...

Madame President can you comment on your Dogster page being kennelled?

POTUS: My page was kenelled late last night. This was the result of a misunderstanding with another member. The matter has been dealt with by HQ and may page is open again. I have personally contacted the member to straighten out any misunderstandings.

There is a rumor circulating that you have been challenged to a debate and election. Can you comment?

POTUS: I have been elected by the citizens of Dogster and Catster to serve out the remainder of The Shrub's second term in office. That term is set to expire in January of 2009 should I not be reelected in the 2008 Presidential Election. During that election cycle I will debate anyone, anywhere anytime, and participate in the election as provided for in the Constitution of the United States of America.

When I was approached to take on the Shrub in the aftermath of Katrina it was done because clearly he was not doing his job. He had violated his oath of office. In less than 1 year I, my administration, BSL Task Force, and Animal Abuse Commission have helped pass the Pet Evacuation Bill, the Anti Horse Slaughter package, brought down the AKC/Petland deal, as well as a host of other victories in the areas of BSL, and abuse and cruelty advocacy, including the shut down of Deaddogdesigns' American Internet outlets. In addition we have secured health care for the millions of uninsured dog and cat senior citizens, brought Karl Rove to justice, enacted the Four for Five Program allowing pet owners to work 4 days and get paid for five so they can spend more time with their pets, along with the adopt-a-shelter animal incentive program and the 3 hour belly rubbin' siesta. The Atomic Pooper Collider is under construction, will be online by the Spring of 2007 and will be providing clean burning energy derived from cat and dog poo. I am also preparing to lay out a timed withdrawal from Iraq and a redeployment in Afghanistan, in conjunction with NATO forces, to finally finish off the Taliban, bring down Al-Qaeda, and help stabilize the region, a job that would have been finished 3 years ago if the Shrub hadn't gone and invaded Iraq because Sadam Hussein threatened to kill his daddy.

We've done a lot of great things in the last 9 months, and we have a lot more to accomplish. I look forward to continue serving the American people.

Madame President can you comment on Peter Forsberg's opting out of the overtime shootout in the Flyers' home opener against the Rangers?

POTUS: I heard a bunch of nambypamby excuses about broken sticks and lack of confidence. I don't know how they do things in Sweden but this is America. This is Flyers hockey. Forsberg, suck it up and play hockey son. The goals will come. You just have to believe in yourself.

And what about the Eagles victory over Dallas yesterday?

POTUS: Are you kidding? I don't know what was better, shutting down TO, that amazing flea flicker to the end zone, or Lito Sheppard's amazing interception and touchdown run! I want to remind everyone here that last year I said that when the T.O. distraction was gone the Eagles were going to come back strong and Donovan McNabb was going to assert his dominance over the quarterback position in the NFL. A 4-1 record and Donovan leading the NFL with 1600 yards passing in 5 games tells the story people.

Madame President!

POTUS: Sorry folks that's it. Nature calls. Eat that poo cake gang. It's good.