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How to Train a Human in 10 Easy Steps

Step 1: Let Them Think it's Their Idea

Training a human is a lot like chewing a bone - with a little time and a little energy, even the biggest and toughest ones can be cracked. And like the yummy interior of that bone, having a well-trained human to wait on you is worth the effort. With that said, I have decided to share with the rest of my brothers and sisters at Dogster.com just how I managed to train my human family - in 10 easy steps!

The first step is the hardest to get used to, but before long it comes as second nature. That step is: Let them think it's their idea. Think what is their idea you ask? Anything. Everything. It doesn't matter, as long as you are really the one in control. I'll give you some examples, then it will all be much clearer to you.

I suggest that you start off slowly with this one. For example, how can you get them to feed you human food from the table, when you know it's against the "house rules"? Stand next to the Daddy and beg while he's about to polish off a burger in 3 bites, and you'll find yourself sitting outside in the rain during every meal. Instead, sneak under the table and gently lay your head on the Mommy's lap. When she look s down at you, don't look up at her and give her "the eyes" - that's begging, and better used elsewhere. Instead, give her a brief smile and return your head to her lap, as if you're happy just to be near her. Trust me on this one. She'll be so happy that, of everyone at the table you're the only one not making demands of her, she will give you a treat from her plate. And unlike the kids, she won't sneak it to you either. After all, the Daddy won't say anything to her! And once the example is set, you're golden from then on. They'll practically set you a place mat with every meal.

Another example is potty training. We can hold it for hours, even days, but then we couldn't go outside as often and sniff out what's new since our last outing, right? So how do we train humans to think that letting us go outside often is their idea? The answer lies in the television. If the Daddy is watching a football game, he's more than likely eating chips and drinking beer. Now that he's trained to give you human food, get him to give you a few chips and maybe a sip of beer. Then when the gas builds up, and it will - stand very close to him and he'll immediately order someone - anyone - to take you outside and let you stay awhile. A nice long while, thank you. After that, whenever you want to go outside, just go stand next to him. Works like a charm! Now, if the Mommy is watching a show, you need to look and see if it's a soap or not. If so, just hold it a while longer, 'cause this is an exception to the rule. Nobody and nothing interrupts a soap!

How about sleeping on the bed? Now this is where you use "the eyes"! Lay on the floor on the Mommy's side of the bed, and give her the look. It can be tough, looking forlorn when you really want to be looking at the green stuff she's spread all over her face, but practice this one and you can do it with a straight mug. Once you catch her eye, she'll say "Awww", and probably speak some baby-talk to you, but the important part is that she'll pick you up to cuddle, and guess what - you're on the bed! Be assured, the Daddy won't object, because he does NOT want to start a fight now - it's a rule. But just to make sure, lay down at the end of the bed until they're asleep. Then feel free to crawl between them and push real hard on the Daddy if he gets in the way. Go ahead! You can't wake a Daddy when he's sleeping! Soon, they can't sleep without you, and they "make" you sleep with them - like it's their idea!

See how it works? You push, they push back harder. You make them think they're doing the pushing, and you get what you want. Try it! What do you want to train your human to do? Scratch your belly? Pretend you're ticklish so they'll think it's funny. Brush your teeth? Take a drink from the toilet and pant in the Mommy's face. Buy you a special bed to lay on while watching TV? "Accidentally" get your claws caught in the rug and pull the threads while "Chasing rabbits in your sleep". Want them to let you swim in the pool with them? Bring a ball outside and hand it to someone just as they get out of the pool. Of all the places they could throw it, they'll pick the pool every time!

Try these ideas out on your human, and soon I'll be back with the second installment.