September 10, 2008

I packed up Fidel in his “traveling patient bed” and tucked him in his blanky just like every other day for work and we headed to the Vet’s office. We were pleased that no one was there yet because we didn't have an appointment. Tuesday was so busy that Fidel had to stay there all day and didn't get his procedure done until the afternoon and I was called to pick him up shortly after the closed. His regular Dr. was not there so the other Dr. saw him and I didn't have an opportunity to talk to her which is why we returned the next morning.

Dr. Fitzpatrick came out with a small Chihuaha puppy sitting in the palm of her hand. He was 8 weeks old and barely a pound! He had broken his leg somehow and the family couldn't afford to take care of him so Dr. Fitz was going to fix him and keep him.

We sat in the quiet lobby discussing Fidel's condition and how the fluid around his heart kept accumulating even after 3 draws. Surgery was an option but Dr. Fitz explained that even if money wasn’t an issue the quality of life Fidel would have for a while post-op would not be one she would want for him if he were hers, and didn’t think we would either. (He would be in ICU with feeding tubes, etc.) Fidel’s health had also degenerated quickly and he had not eaten on his own or even cared for food since August 24th. I fed him as much as I could with a syringe and even began to add Gain & Shine to his prescription Recovery dog food to get the extra calories into him but he was still very skinny. He had lost over 2 lbs over the past weeks, and even Dr. Fitz noted now skinny he was as she petted him while we chatted.

We were both in agreement that it was time to give Fidel freedom from his pain. I told Dr. Fitz I’d call to make the appointment later and Fidel and I headed to work. At work Fidel laid under my desk quietly in his bed getting up a few times for water. I watched him struggle to get up and stand and his breathing began to become labored again. I hoped I could keep him until Thursday but I didn’t want to be selfish and have him suffer more because of me so I made the call and we were given a 10:15 appointment for the next day.

I took him home to spend one last night with my husband and I. Our friends came over to say goodbye and to give me some much needed support. Fidel stayed in our bedroom most of the time he was sick since I had set up a portable A/C unit in there to keep him comfy. He always wanted to be around us and our friends when they were over and even while he was sick on Labor day he came out to hang out with us, and on this last night I picked him up as saw him walking slowly out of our room down the hallway to be with us.

His breathing worried me and I began to feel guilty, as if I should have made the appointment for that same day. I stayed up with him past midnight and when he seemed as if he were going to sleep I did also. Throughout the night I checked on him. When I got up once around 3AM he was not in his bed, I found him on our bathroom floor. This was normal as he’d often wander off and lay in the bathroom, kitchen or somewhere tiled. I think the cool floor felt good on his chest. His breathing did not look so labored so I thought, “oh good, he’s sleeping really well.” About an hour later I checked on him again and noticed he was not breathing heavily. I touched his chest which was bare from being shaved for ultrasounds and no longer felt him breathing or his heart beating. He was gone.

My husband wrapped him in his blanky and tucked him in his “travel bed” (he had so many different beds but spent most of his time while sick in this one), I cut a piece of his hair off of the top of his head where I always kissed him and we said goodbye.

It was the most bittersweet ending, but I could not have asked for a better way for him to go. My husband and I wanted a peaceful ending at home for Fidel, our prayers were answered.

Leave a Comment