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Ben's Tails

Always in my heart

Finally, you're home. You have a beautiful new wood little house, with a circular photo frame and a brass plate that's still out being engraved. But you're home! That means the world to me.

I don't know what I expected it would be like after two weeks. I don't think I could even imagine being here or making it this far. But this week has been busy with picking you up, buying your urn, taking the plate and selecting the engraving, and the emotional ramifications of all that. What? Ramifications? Oh.. it just means something like "results". Sorry (I KNOW you would have tilted your head at that because of the way I would have said it out loud to you).

So now it's all done, and the only thing left is to pick up the little plate this weekend. Your picture looks adorable in the circular frame -- the way it's made, it almost looks as if you're leaning out of your little home, smiling and saying hello. I've placed you near the spot in the living room that you liked to lay, and where you can watch all the duckies and swans when the blinds are open. I open them every morning for you before I leave the house.

Tuesday night when I picked you up, I didn't know what I was going to feel. I was afraid I was going to lose it and just start crying and wanting my REAL Ben back. I was so nervous and was shaking when the woman went to the back to get you. But when she put you onto the counter, something happened to me and instinct took over and I just took your little container and cradled it in my arms and you rode all the way home on my lap. And I wasn't nervous anymore. It was you in a different form, but it was still YOU. Nothing can ever, ever take you away from the most important place you've ever been -- in my heart.

Your engraving says exactly that: Always in my Heart. Nothing can and will ever change that. You're always alive in my memory and always will be. I hope and pray that you're running and playing somewhere, I like to think Rainbow Bridge, and no longer know what pain is. I hope that you can bark to your heart's content, too :)

And I don't want you to worry about Mama. There are a lot of very kind people online that are taking care of me. They've all seen your pictures, and heard your story, and they all love you too. Most of them have lost their furbabies, too, and understand.

Oh little boy, I miss you with all of my heart -- it's still very hard to come in the door in the evening and not hear your collar jingle as you come tearing down the hallway to greet me. And just sitting here in my chair, always seeing you out of the corner of my eye. Weekend mornings are awful... and I loved them when you were here. But people tell me that it will get better. And some days have been, a little.

You will never be forgotten... there will never be a day that I don't think about you. You were an amazing little guy and the best doggie ever.

I miss you something terrible. If you get a chance, will you come see me? In my dreams? I'd give anything to just hold you one more time. Maybe it sounds silly, but I would.

Go play now... Mama loves you, Ben-Ben. I'll be back to talk to you some more.

All my Love, forever, Mama

My lovely puppy,

I found another recent picture of you last night. It's just so beautiful and shows the emotion and intelligence in your lovely brown eyes. It's so hard not to reach out and try to touch you.

I think about you all the time, my sweet boy. Did I even realize how lucky I was, being able to pull you in for a puppy-hug whenever I wanted? Did I appreciate it? I want to think so, but I'm not sure any of us truly appreciates our privileges all of the time. Knowing you and sharing my life with you, was indeed a privilege. Of all the owners and friends you could have had, I was the lucky one you chose.

It's so hard to put into words the emptiness I'm facing without you. From everything I'm reading and everything people are saying, it will get easier. And I've been assured that that doesn't mean I'll forget you -- just that the sharp edge will fade. I could never, ever forget you. It would be like forgetting I had my heart. You ARE my heart.

Did I tell you how brave you were in those final moments? You were so quiet, just patiently waiting for what I believe you knew was to come. While I had my arms around you, trying hard not to sob and failing miserably, you lay there quietly, as though to make it easier for me. I tried so hard to stay calm; I didn't want to frighten you by becoming hysterical or panicky. And as you've done all of our life together, you made my time easier. I will always remember that moment -- as both awful and painfully beautiful at the same time. The pain was leaving your body and entering mine, and I was glad to take it from you.

So now I wait for the remains of your handsome earthly doggie-body to be returned home. I am searching for just the right urn for you -- the spot itself has been chosen, close to your favorite spot to lay in the living room. But the container is another matter; you deserve a respectful and dignified home, yet as playful as you are. I will find just the right one -- I imagine that you're helping me in this decision, and I'll know when you do.

Sweet puppy, I attended my very first online Rainbow Bridge Candlelight Memorial Service on Monday night. I lit a candle and many mommies and daddies of new (and some not so new) Rainbow Bridge residents also lit candles and we all prayed for you, and each others' furbabies, and for all the furbabies worldwide who don't have mommies and daddies or who are abused, abandoned, homeless, or lost. It was beautiful and I felt you near.

I am going to try and sleep now. I bought two books today on coping with grief over the loss of a pet. Mama needs all the help she can get. But writing to you helps, and even though you never really learned how to read, somehow I imagine that you're listening.

Goodnight for now, sweet Ben-Ben. I love you very much, and miss you more than I could ever put into words.

Mama

Oh, how I miss you

My sweet, sweet baby.... it's only been four days since I held you in my arms and kissed you goodbye.. not even quite four yet, but it feels like a lifetime. How am I going to keep going without you? Everything reminds me of you... even going to the bathroom, which is kind of hard to avoid -- you always followed me in there and lay down on the rug, even if it were only for half a minute. You were my velcro baby and always needed to know where I was at all times. How I loved that about you!

Everytime I pick up the keys, I think you're going to coming running as you always did, thinking we're going somewhere -- or getting upset because I'm going somewhere and you're not. Now there's just a horrible silence and I don't know how I'll ever get used to that. I keep you so tightly in my heart, though, that if I close my eyes I can hear the jingle of your collar and the soft click of your nails on the floor as you dance around waiting for the leash to be attached.

Yesterday I framed the last picture I took of you, which is now your primary photo here at Dogster. You would love this frame -- it matches your darker fur that wasn't quite black, almost mahogany. But when I went to bed last night, I had to get back up and come get your picture from the living room. I couldn't leave you all alone in the living room.

I've been sleeping with your blankie because it smells like you. I hope you don't mind. I'll take good care of it, I promise..

Ben-Ben, please please please understand that I didn't want you to be in pain anymore. I only pray that you do understand. I would have given anything for you to stay with me, and I've give anything now to have you back with me. I keep thinking of the times I would stroke the side of your beautiful face, and you would lower your head and push back against my hand. I can still feel the warmth on the back of my hand just thinking about it.

I still can't believe you're gone. I've cried so much that I've run out of tissues and have to use napkins. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I imagine that you're at Rainbow Bridge, reunited with CoCo and Smudge and annoying CoCo like you used to do. Someone (an Angel) said on the forum that you made a "spectacular" entrance at Rainbow Bridge, chasing and barking at some duckies that had also just arrived. Forgive me, but I laughed out loud at that, because I can imagine you doing JUST THAT! You were always so happy when you tried to herd the duckies and geese and swans.

I called your Papa and told him the news. He was very sad to hear that you're gone. He loved you very much, you know... remember when I took you to see him last year and how happy he was to see you? And I thought your tail would wag off your rear end when you saw him. I'm so very glad that you were able to see each other again.

I can't see right now... too many tears, so I'm going to go for now. Ben, you know that I talk to you all of the time... I hope you can hear me. I love you so very much. It's so empty and quiet here without you. Yet I can feel you everywhere... I'm lost.

I love you with all of my heart,
Mama