Dogster

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Confessions of a Dog Genius

An Open Letter to the Squirrels of 95124

Dear Neighborhood Squirrels,

I'm the big dog (ok, so I'm a little petite for a boxer) that rules the backyard at 4809. Let's get a few things straight -- If you're out there burrying your nuts and apricots in the lawn, it's because I'm letting you. If you're running up my trees and racing along the fence, it's because you have my permission. Lately, I've noticed a few of you trying to take over my grassy empire. Please note that this will never happen!

I've also noticed that you squirrels are getting a bit bold -- Don't think I can't hear you barking and chirping at me behind my back. And don't think for a second I can't feel it when you drop your walnuts on me when I'm out there doing my business. And yes, I see you snapping your tails at me when I try to patrol the perimeter. You mock me when I give you the boxie death stare, but I mean business!

I want a little more respect. Please, no more snickering and back talk, especially if the human parents are around! And mind my territory! I'm bigger and louder. And, when you see me coming, you better run fast. There's no telling what might happen if I actually catch you...

Indestructible!

Indestructible. I have tried very hard to pinpoint its weaknesses, and I have been unsuccessful. All attempts at destroying the darn thing have been futile. Apparently, my mother spent some time researching the latest and greatest dog toys, in particular, the durable ones. It used to be that in 10-15 minutes I’d have them bleeding batting on the floor, squeekies rendered useless.

Well, this one arrived 24 hours ago. My nemesis the mailman brought it. I helped mom open the package and we couldn’t open it fast enough. And when we did, there it was…the coolest looking dog toy ever. It has 4 squeekies! 4! But I can’t seem to crack the thing...

Every angle presents a challenge. I shake it. I chew it. I stretch it. I pull it. I chew it some more. I growl at it. It just won’t budge. Usually, I can work one seam and then the whole thing just gives like a flimsy house of cards. But this toy is different. It’s impossible. (My mom thinks its genius, but what does she know of these matters?) It must have like a dozen seams. It’s soft and plushy, yet built like a fortress. I stared at it all night trying to come up with some sort of strategy for breaching the seams.

I might do some Internet research myself to find the code to crack this thing. I must have those squeekies. I will annihilate the wretched sound they produce. I will not be content until the fuzzy white stuff inside of it is scattered across the house and the squeekies go silent, forever. Then, I will celebrate my success, brute strength and wit; and wish I had a new toy.

"Tell Me About the Rabbits George"

When mommy got home today she gave me the usual hello's and ran upstairs to change into her play-with-doggy-clothes. I followed her upstairs really excited to share my big adventures with her. I was smiling and shaking my booty when she walked out of the closet. As she walked out, I proudly ran over to my surprise... Mommy wasn't wearing her glasses, but she could see I had something very interesting. She kept saying, "What you got there Sophie-girl?"

When she saw it, she stifled a scream. I could tell that she wasn't sure if she should be mad or happy at me. Afterall, it was just a baby scrub jay. I was so gentle with it. Mommy said it must've fallen out of it's nest. Maybe it did, but it was my new friend now!

That was a pretty short-lived dream... Mommy took a plastic bag, picked up the baby bird and took it away. I kept wimpering to get it back. Usually she gives in but this time she didn't! I got a biscuit instead. I guess that was an ok exchange.

I knew she was proud of me though because she saved the baby bird for daddy to see when he got home. She even called Auntie Ronni and told her about it, so it must not have been that bad. As soon as daddy got home, mommy grabbed the bag and said, "Look what your dog did!"

I always thought I was her dog... interesting.