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The Spice Grrl Speaks Out

A Whole Week of Torture

Do you know what my Mom got me for my birthday? She sent me to boot camp. Well, she didn't exactly send me, she invited in a Drill Sargent with her backup posse. I think Mom had some misguided notion that I would be "whipped into shape" while she lounged on the beach drinking lemon slushies. But I showed her. The first thing I did was enchant the male member of the backup posse so that there were now three out of the household of five that understood that I was to be pampered and adored. Of course, big brothers don't really count, but they can be useful to have around.

It sortof helped. I certainly got a ton of spit baths out of it, and they were very stress relieving. Plus it was really helpful to have a boy around who could take a few hard knocks. I did enjoy the play sessions, but the rules I had to live with! I tell you, it was horrid and incredibly restrictive.

Rule #1: No Pouncing.
Rule #2: No Condiments with Dinner
Rule #3: No excessive kissing.
Rule #4: Walk nicely on the leash
Rule #5: No Pouncing!

I mean really! NO CONDIMENTS WITH DINNER? I felt I had fallen into some B Horror movie, and at any moment the Hill Science Diet truck would arrive with my dinner. *shudder* Thank goodness Mom came home when she did. I was beginning to get a bit frazzled trying to cope with that double no pouncing rule.

Good Friday? I think NOT.

Okay, so yesterday I was a bit on the naughty side. The fact is, I don't like Mommie to leave the house without me. Which, may I add, she does on a regular basis. I know Mommie is trying to loose weight - she talks about it all the time. When she left me yesterday, I was really only trying to help her by removing the grocery bag that contained the jelly beans off the table. Can I help it if my nature was to rip open the grocery bag, and then the bag of very tasty jelly beans that was inside? Can I help it if she thought I didn't know about them, and left them on the table. I mean, HELLO! Talk about leaving an engraved invitation lying around. But that was yesterday.

Today, Mommie woke up really early (for her anyway) and my morning session of adoration was interrupted with the following exclamation: "Oh My God! DAWSON!" She bounded out of bed, hurried my breakfast and my morning constitutional, and then.... SHE PUT DAWSON IN THE CAR AND LEFT ME AT HOME!

Without even a bag of jelly beans to help assuage my feelings of hurt and insecurity.

My First Road Trip

Yesterday started normally. I pounced on Mom to wake her up so she would take me outside, and she rolled over with a mumble. I snuggled a bit and then hopped down to the floor and DEMANDED my breakfast. That sharp bark is enough to get Mom moving. Then, while Mom drank her coffee she hogged the computer and wouldn't let me access my favorite pages, so I snoozed. I heard keys frantically clicking but I dozed through it all.

Something sure lit a fire under Mom's Butt! She bounded off the couch and left. Yep, SHE LEFT ME. When she came home smelling of fluoride I was glad she hadn't taken me with her. This is when things got weird. She loaded the dog crates into the back of the car! Dawson was running around all excited, but I had no idea what was going on. When we went to Obedience class, she STUFFED me in the crate. I wasn't too sure about that, but nothing bad happened. Dawson was beside himself because as usual, we left him at home while I spend an hour conning treats from the poor slob trying to teach Mom and G'ma how to rule the roost. John, Buddy and I are Poodles. We rule the roost. There isn't any amount of training you can do that is going to change that one simple fact.

When we got back home, Mom had the zoomies! She stuffed food, clothes, and other essentials in bags, threw them all in the car, and then stuffed me back in the crate and Dawson into the other one. We were held captive for HOURS! Okay, only two actuallyy, and when we finally were released to go pee, whom did we encounter but Mimi, Molly, and Aunt Alyssa! I spent the next few hours wandering around being admired, petted, treated, and generally showing off my gorgeous self. I rocked that exposition hall. I owned it.

Then we all piled back into the cars, and I spent more time jammed in that crate. Now here is an interesting thing: There are really large houses that allow strange people and dogs to snuggle for the night. Odd, isn't it? Of course when the Moms left for dinner, I had to torment Mimi. I had to bark at the loud people in the hallway. It's my job, right? So why did Mom tell me people complained that I was too loud? And who knew Auntie Alyssa was such fun at night! Evertime she moved or made a noise, I had to go over and let her know I was willing to play!

Now, this is where things went bad. I got stuffed back into the crate early in the morning, and while Mom went back to the Expo, I sat in the car. And sat in the car. And sat in the car... We finally got moving, and what was my job for the next five hours? Sit in the crate in the car. Why on earth we stopped in the middle of nowhere, turned off the car, and sat quietly for and hour and a half I haven't the foggiest. Everyone was, so I guess it was some dumb human ritual to honor the snowfall. Oh well, even with the long trip home, I had a grand time. When's the next Road Trip, Mom?