Hi, I’m Dr. Karyn! Read my introduction to learn more about me and my five funny dogs, Poppy, Bailey, Kodah, Ned, and Fred.
Looking on from the relative safety of the UK, I have been experiencing feelings of shock, bemusement, and disbelief over some of the recent changes that have been implemented across the pond. But rather than focus on the worrying implications of the liberties being taken – figuratively and literally – by a certain head of state, I have chosen to be inspired.
Why should we passively sit back and accept the status quo when we could simply rename things to our liking? Take dog breeds, for example. Who decides what to name a breed? Sure, there are some real crackers out there, like the Treeing Walker Coonhound or the Nova Scotia Ducktolling Retriever, but I think that others could do with a bit of a revamp. And who’s going to stop me?
The first thing I want to do is get rid of the Kennel Club breed groups. No more Sporting, Working, Toy, Herding, and Non-Sporting groups. Particularly that last one. There is something mildly insulting about a group of dogs that are too large to be classified as toy dogs but too ineffectual to be anything but cute. I think we can do better than categorizing dogs as ‘non-sporting,’ but perhaps I’m just a bit sensitive because if I were a dog, I know exactly which group I’d be relegated to.
And so, I present my new dog groups:
- Scary Dopes
- Short’n’Longs
- Droopy Sniffers
- Flobbers
- Snorties
- Tiny Yappers
- Large Fluffballs
- Small Fluffballs
- Slytherin
- Hufflepuff
Obviously, I’m not going to rename every single dog breed here, but I am going to give you a taste of my vision of the canine future with just a few stellar examples from each of my exciting and descriptive new dog groups.
Scary Dopes – Large, intimidating, and soft as marshmallow
These dogs are large, powerful, and often have an undeserved bad reputation. While you don’t want to take them for granted, these scary-looking dogs are more likely to lick your face than bite your hand.
- Old Name: Pitbull Terrier
- New Improved Name: Cuddle Monster
- Old Name: Doberman Pinscher
- New Improved Name: Paranoidog
Short’n’Longs – Long backs, short legs, large vet bills
These dogs may be short but they are big on personality. But be warned – their extra long length puts them under the orthopedic surgeon’s knife more often than we would like.
- Old Name: Dachshund
- New Improved Name: Long Sausage
- Old Name: Corgi
- New Improved Name: Smiley Sausage
Droopy Sniffers – Large dangly ears, extra points for floppy jowls
Their long, floppy ears might be the first thing you notice, but these dogs are actually all about the nose.
- Old Name: Beagle
- New Improved Name: Airport Sniffer
- Old Name: Bloodhound
- New Improved Name: Detective Sniffer
Flobbers – First three rows will get wet
If you can’t handle a little bit of dog drool, back away slowly, because these dogs rarely produce just a little bit!
- Old Name: St Bernard
- New Improved Name: Rescue Flob
- Old Name: Neapolitan Mastiff
- New Improved Name: Wrinkly Flob
Snorties – Should come with a set of earplugs as standard
Their short noses and squishy faces might look adorable, but noisy breathing is just the tip of the respiratory iceberg for these brachycephalic breeds.
- Old Name: French Bulldog
- New Improved Name: Batte Oreille
- Old Name: Pug
- New Improved Name: …Pug
Tiny Yappers – Pretty self-explanatory
We’re loud, we’re proud, and we will not be ignored!
- Old Name: Chihuahua
- New Improved Name: Landshark
- Old Name: Papillon
- New Improved Name: Barkafly
Large Fluffballs – Minimum hair-to-body ratio of 2:1
Fluffy coats that can hide a multitude of sins – if only I could look thinner after a haircut.
- Old Name: Samoyed
- New Improved Name: Cumulonimbus
- Old Name: Chow Chow
- New Improved Name: Brick Fluffhouse
Small Fluffballs – Like large fluffballs, but small
Some of these little fluffers could cross over into the yappers category, but it is their coat that makes them stand out.
- Old Name: Pomeranian
- New Improved Name: Red Lint
- Old Name: Japanese Spitz
- New Improved Name: Cumulus
Slytherin – If these dogs break bad, you’re in trouble
There is no such thing as a bad dog, but there are some dogs that are more likely to choose bite over bark, with some dangerous consequences.
- Old Name: German Shepherd
- New Improved Name: The Interrogator
- Old Name: Rottweiler
- New Improved Name: The Intimidator
Hufflepuff
I guess I didn’t get rid of that non-sporting group after all…I just changed it! They’re very nice.
- Old Name: Saluki
- New Improved Name: Demurehound
- Old Name: Labrador Retriever
- New Improved Name: Happy Fetcher
What’s In a Name?
Whether you call them a Pitbull or Cuddle Monster, a Saluki or Demurehound, I’m pretty sure our dogs will only care if you forget to call them for dinner. Fun as this has been, of course we can’t go around just renaming things willy-nilly – where would it end?
Anyway, I’m off to feed my Landsharks, Interrogator, and Happy Fetchers, and while I’m at it, I may as well sort out some food for the Judgy Purrers, too.
Let me know if you have any ideas for some new and improved dog breeds!
Member of the Non-Sporting group and Hufflepuff.
- Read her previous article: Tattoos With Tails: How Dr Karyn Honors Her Furry Family Members
- Read her next article: The Tiny Dog Couch: One Size Fits All…Apparently!
And so, I present my new dog groups:
