Universal Letter Writing Week takes place Jan. 7 to 11, and during that time you’re supposed to write a letter. On paper. Using the programming language known as handwriting. We thought about it: Maybe a dog would want to do this? We found one and asked him.
Dogster: It’s Universal Letter Writing Week! Do you have anyone you’d like to write a heartwarming letter to?
Dog: Yes, but I’ll need a little help.
And I need thumbs.
Let me get a pen.
And a steak.
A pen will do. OK, who are we writing to first?
It sure is. I’ve thought a lot about this letter, so write all this down exactly.
OK: Dear mailman, If you value your life and the lives of your family, please immediately stop walking up our stoop and clanging the mail slot. Just throw the mail in the yard. Better yet, just throw it away. Or how about this: Just give our mail to that horrible child who lives next door and tell him to burn — hey, you’re not writing anymore!
This isn’t in the spirit of Universal Letter Writing Week.
I think you’re wrong there. I’m really feeling this letter.
Let’s try another.
OK, how about this: Dear meat market, please send seven (7) whole steaks to our house ASAP. Delivery on the side yard; just slide them through the cat door. Please DO NOT talk to any humans in the house; you deal solely with me, you follow? Payment will be made once I have ascertained the quality of the steaks. It could take a while, so don’t stick around. Also please include three (3) coils of Portuguese sau — hey, you stopped writing!
I think you can do better.
Really? I thought that was pretty dead-on.
It was not.
Man, you lack imagination. How about this: Dear UPS man, how’s things? Tell you what, the next time you come here, I want you to bring me about 400 balls. All shapes. All sizes. Mixed in with the balls, I want Frisbees. And rawhide chews. And hoofs. And dried pig ears. And bully sticks. I want a bone. Fifty bones. I want the biggest damn bon — hey, you stopped again!
This isn’t Christmas.
It’s his job to bring stuff!
Be nice. Write a nice letter.
OK, fine. Here: Dear cat, I hope you are doing well. I’ve been thinking a lot about our situation, and I think it would be best for all parties involved if you found another home. I see so many of them out the window. What about that red one down the street? That looks like a nice home. I’ll leave the back door unlocked, and if you could please be out by Tuesday it would be — what? You stopped again!
We love Chester.
Wow, I had no idea. I thought I was doing you a favor.
You’re both equal in my eyes.
Hah! What a comedian. Say, can I write a letter to my vet? I have some suggestions about what he should do for the rest of his life.
I think we’re good here. I think Universal Letter Writing Week is over.
Well, we did some solid work. I’m exhausted. When do we send them?
Good. I need those steaks ASAP.
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