People have a lot of fun on Craigslist, because they’re bored and Craigslist is a form a self-publishing when you’re hammered. A guy in Seattle had a lot of fun five days ago when he posted the following, advertising himself for the position as your new dog walker.
Make no mistake: He will not be your new dog walker.
I WILL WALK YOUR DOG (Seattle)
HEY RICH-ASS DOG OWNERS:
Are you at the office 23 hours a day in a coke-fueled effort to squeeze every last penny out of your 20’s and 30’s?
Are you going out of town with your post-divorce trophy-girlfriend to visit your slave ship collection in the Barbados?
Do you work for a corporation that received Tarp money?
I AM YOUR DOG-WALKER
I am the most radical, bitching, mind blowing dog-walking experience in all of Seattle. All dogs are STOKED when I’m around, regardless of breed or sex. Your dog is gonna be on me like Charlie Sheen on a porn star mad of amphetamines; when I’m ascending toward penthouse suite in your private elevator, bitch’s nipples are gonna be ROCK HARD.
Do I have experience walking dogs?
I’M A HUMAN BEING, OF COURSE I HAVE EXPERIENCE WALKING DOGS. THIS ISN’T LINEAR ALGEBRA, FOLKS; ITS DOG-WALKING
Are you one of those prototypical American success stories who worked your way up from nothing to live the dream, and now you want to gloat over an Ivy League grad who has been reduced to posting a dog-walking classified on skeezy-ass Craigslist?
You can shadow me while I walk! Take pictures of my pathetic face as I handle your dog’s feces with nothing but a plastic bag over my hand! I’ll wear my Princeton lettermen’s Sweater! I might even Cry!
Forget the agencies; I will alk your dog for less money, and I’m not some weirdo art school dropout who claims to be “in sub-verbal communication” with your dog.
I’M JUST A GUY WHO WANTS YOUR MONEY AND WILL WALK YOUR DOG TO GET IT.
Do I do overnights?
YOU BET YOUR BOATHOUSE, BUDDY!
I will sleep in your sweet-ass apartment and tend to your dog while doing it. Don’t want my poor-person skin sullying your ostrich-feather sheets? I’ll sleep on the floor! Don’t want my poor-person hair secreting oils all over the pearl-white tiles? I’ll sleep in the crate with the dog! Sh*t as long as I’m allowed to turn on the heat, I’ll curl up in a ball and sleep in your sink WHILE THE ATER RUNS OVER MY NAKED BODY!
Am I going to steal your jewelry? No I’m not. Am i going to jack your electronics? No way man. Am i gonna eat some of your food? Probably, but nothing you’ll miss, maybe an apple.
I’M NOT ABOUT TO TAKE A BATH IN YOUR FOIE GRAS, MONEYBAGS.
I’m a good guy, and I’m just looking to make a little extra cash by chaperoning your dog around your stupid white bread sidewalks. So if your interested in the dopest, most swagged-out LEGEND OF THE UNIVERSE dog-walking champion in Seattle, reply to this ad and we’ll get started in making your dog happier than a Mormon on his honeymoon.
So act now, write me. I’m excited to meet you and your dog, and I’m sure as motherf*cking c*cksucking Sh*t that your dog is excited to meet me, too.
Serious inquiries only, please
What a ride, huh? That was a lot to take in, so we thought we’d break it down to bullet points in case you’re considering this guy to be your dog walker. To recap:
- He is an Ivy League grad.
- He is not an weirdo art-school dropout.
- He will make your dog’s nipples hard.
- He will wear his Princeton letterman sweater when he walks your dog.
- He will cry when he picks up your dog’s poop (woo-hoo!)
- He will not talk to your dog in sub-verbal communication.
- He has no experience with linear algebra.
- He will spend the night.
- He will sleep on the floor instead of your bed.
- Or in your dog crate.
- Or in your sink — with the water on.
- He will not “jack your electronics.”
- He will not bathe in your foie gras.
- He will eat your apple.
- He thinks the sidewalks around your house are stupid.
- He will be swagged out — or so he claims.
- (Hold him to it; hold him to the swag.)
- He is a dog-walking “champion.”
- (Ask him to bring the trophy?)
- He thinks your dog will want to have sex with him.
- Charlie Sheen sex — with a porn star who is comprised of drugs.
- What?
- Ew.
We don’t know what this guy looks like, but if you respond to the ad and Jean Ralphio from Parks and Recreation comes to walk your dog, don’t be surprised — just slam the door.
Here’s a screenshot of the letter:
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