Editor’s Note: Sam is a dog — we reported on his adoption when he was on death row — and he’s a contributor to Dogster’s sister Say Media site, xojane.com. This article first ran on xoJane, but we’re rerunning it (with permission) so you can comment on it.
Listen, I’m as sick of these “How not to …” stories as you are, but this one is important. This one is about treats.
Here’s how not to be a creep to your dog.
1. I’m just going to come out and say it. I don’t think we’re spending enough time at the pet store.
Maybe you don’t realize what the pet store has.
I’m sure you just don’t realize what it has.
See it’s not just wet food. It’s not just dry food.
Here. Look. I’ve made a shopping list for you.
The pet store has pig ears. It has pork-skin bacon knots. It has meaty knucklebones. It has romp ‘n’ chomp treat toy refills. It has yapple-nanas. It has PB-nanas. It has canine cuisine goobers tubs. It has turkey jerky. It has snausages in a blanket. It has breathbusters. It has bully sticks. It has biscuits. It has pup-corn. It has Beggin’ Strips. It has deer antler chews. It has rawhide twists. It has jerky strips. It has munchy dumbbells. It has peanut-butter wafers. It has oven-baked cheese snacks.
I might have missed some. To be safe, you should probably buy everything.
2. Baths are absolutely not necessary for me, ever, because I smell amazing.
Have you ever thought about the fact that maybe you’re the one who smells like poop?
3. I appreciate that you think it’s cute, but you don’t need to talk to me like I’m a baby.
I’m not here to fill your barren womb. The word is pronounced “little,” not “wittle.” Are you literally trying to take my balls a second time?
4. Enough with the “No, no, no. Bad dog.”
It’s enough that you butt-sniff-shame me, but the persistent negativity? I get it. I did something wrong. Well, guess what. Maybe I don’t want all the trash to be tied up and placed on high shelves where I can’t reach it. Life isn’t fair.
5. I might not be a genius, but I still know you’re having sex when you put me in the bathroom.
Do you hear that yowling? Does that sound like I’m happy? No, no, no. Bad owner.
6. I hate your iPhone about as much as I hate the stuffing remaining on the inside of squeaker toys.
Have you considered that every minute you’re texting you could be purchasing me chicken?
7. I might not be a service dog but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be allowed inside of restaurants.
Word on the street is those guys don’t even eat the table scraps. I don’t think you understand how much this pains me.
8. Fifteen minutes at the dog park is straight-up BS.
Do you have one thing in your life that makes you feel more alive than anything else in the whole wide world, and then someone puts you on a leash and yanks you away? There’s an old dog saying. “Take me away when I’ve had time to pee on all the spots the other dogs have peed upon, and then still don’t take me from the dog park but spend a little more time there.” Remember that. It’s a very popular saying.
9. Cesar Millan.
10. I have fur. I have paws. I don’t need the shoes, the sweater, the hat, the scarf, or the necktie.
Would you wear it? Oh look, I got you a sweater. It says “I Ruff You Barky Much.” If you wouldn’t wear it on a date, don’t buy it for this guy. Dignity. It’s a dog thing.
Did I miss anything, you guys? Any treats? Please forward this to your dogs. Unless your dog has his own Facebook page. Because that’s just ridiculous.