Bunnies + chocolate + eggs = fun. To humans, it’s a pretty simple equation, but for our dogs the math around Easter just doesn’t add up. From the canine perspective this is a perplexing holiday that sees humans gorge on toxic treats, which is the only explanation for why society’s usual puppy love is temporarily shifted to a lesser animal. If our dogs could talk, they’d tell us these 10 reasons why dogs hate Easter.
“Bunnies, bunnies, bunnies. Everywhere I look, the humans are obsessing over these creatures. I’m sorry, but I don’t get it. Rabbits don’t fetch, they poop everywhere and they don’t even cuddle. If you ask me, bunnies are only good for one thing: chasing!”
“OK, so let me get this straight. This grass is fake, and it’s not meant for peeing on or eating? What on Earth is the point? Why would you spend money on this? The funds could have gone into my non-fatty treat budget.”
“The humans tell me it is poison, but then the liars turn around and eat a truckload of it. Then again, maybe it is toxic, because it does seem to be doing something to their brains. That’s the only explanation for all this bizarre bunny worship. Their brains must be poisoned.”
“My human gave up meat weeks ago — something about a vent, or maybe it was Lent — anyway, there’s been nothing, not even a fallen hot dog to be found. Now, suddenly the table is full of meat, but I’m banished from the dining room?”
“So you’re telling me that I — the one family member who is literally a natural-born hunter, the only one who can sniff out these eggs, the best detective in this household — can’t take part in this egg hunt? Obviously everyone here is intimidated by my hunting prowess. This farce is rigged for the human children. It’s rigged!”
“How many times do I have to tell you, human? I will not pose with an Easter basket hanging from my mouth. You didn’t let me hunt, and I will not pose with the booty for the sake of your social media.”
“So apparently I’m not allowed to have ham because it’s ‘too fatty’ for dogs. How is it not too fatty for humans then? Protect yourself from pancreatitis, you hypocrite!”
“So the humans take a perfectly good hard-boiled egg, dye it, display it for days and note that it’s not for canine consumption. What is this torture?”
“Oh, so you had too much wine with Easter dinner, and now I don’t get an evening walk? Not cool, human. Here’s some karma for you: After all that worry about what I would ingest today, you’re going to be the one who’s not feeling well tonight.”
“For goodness sake people, I already have a perfectly good pair of species-appropriate ears! Rabbit ears are not for wearing. Tell that to your Instagram.”
If you want to turn your dog’s Easter hate into holiday fun, try doing a chocolate-free Easter egg hunt just for dogs. Having separate hunts for kids and canines lets the pups get in on the Easter fun with none of the hazards and could turn your dog from a holiday hater to an Easter enthusiast. They’re probably still not going to like the bunny ears, though.
Tell us: Do your dogs hate Easter?
Thumbnail: Photography by Ezzolo / Shutterstock.
This piece was originally published in 2018.
Heather Marcoux is a freelance writer and mom to two dogs, GhostBuster and Marshmallow (who is just as sweet as a Peep). GhostBuster once ate an entire Cadbury cream egg, foil wrapping and all. He has a zero tolerance policy regarding bunny ear headbands. These Easter-hating dogs are on Instagram as the @ghostpets, and mom tweets as @HeatherMarcoux.
Editor’s note: This article first appeared in Dogster magazine. Have you seen the new Dogster print magazine in stores? Or in the waiting room of your vet’s office? Subscribe now to get Dogster magazine delivered straight to you!