Breaking Bad, the acclaimed AMC series, returns on Sunday, and we’re already drooling like a starving pooch in desperate need of her next kibble fix. It’s been a year since the first half of season five aired, and we can’t wait to see mild-mannered Walter White complete his transformation into sociopath Heisenberg. In anticipation, we’ve created the dogs of Breaking Bad.
Warning: Spoilers — especially for season five! — ahead.
Walter White (played by Bryan Cranston) is the “hero” of the series. He’s a former high-school chemistry teacher who got lung cancer and started cooking meth to pay for treatment and to support his family when he’s gone. Aww. What a guy.
Walt is a Cocker Spaniel. He’s a very loyal family man, but secretly sort of an asshole. He gets away with plenty because people think he’s a decent guy, but he’s really a snippy little bastard. Still, you can’t help but love him.
Heisenberg is Walt’s drug kingpin alter ego and a ruthless monster. He is a feral cat. You do not want to get close to his claws, because they’ll come out — provoked or not. He will scratch you up and leave you for dead, and then retreat into a hiding place to eat your still fresh body. (Please note: Actual feral cats are much nicer than Heisenberg.)
Jesse (played by Aaron Paul) is Walter White’s former student who helped him get into the meth world. Jesse is good at heart, but has made some very poor decisions, such as getting high on his own supply one too many times, moving in with the sister of a murderous kid, and staying in business with Heisenberg.
Jesse is a Doberman. He’s misunderstood — he might talk a big game (calling everyone “bitch”!) but he really just wants to be a family dog. Beneath his tough exterior is a sweetie who longs to curl up at someone’s feet and be told he’s a good boy.
Skyler White (played by Anna Gunn) is Walter White’s long-suffering wife and, since season 3, a semi-willing conspirator in his drug empire, when she isn’t running the car wash that is a front for their money-laundering activities and banging her former boss.
Skyler is a Shetland Sheepdog. This active herding breed just wants her crew to fall in line. She is bright and can be trained to do pretty much anything, but will become resentful if the rules don’t make sense to her. Watch out for snipping — this girl can bite.
Walt Jr. (RJ Mitte) is Walt and Skyler’s eldest child. He just wants to eat pancakes and drive fast cars. That means he’s a yellow Lab. He’s dopey, sweet, and will eat breakfast at any time during the day.
Hank (Dean Norris) is Walt’s brother-in-law. He’s also a DEA agent. Walt has been pulling the blue rock wool over Hank’s eyes for four and half seasons, and Hank is just now realizing that his mild-mannered BIL is a drug kingpin. Oh, crap.
Hank Schrader is an English Bulldog. He can be stubborn, obtuse, and frankly, kind of a bag of douches. But under his gruff exterior, he’s a good boy. However, if you cross him, watch out.
Marie (Betsy Brandt) is Skyler’s sister and Hank’s wife. She loves the color purple (the color, not the movie) and used to have a shoplifting habit.
Marie is a Schipperke. She resents closed doors and loves shiny things. Her annoyance at being excluded and boredom with her mundane life sometimes causes her to act out and do crazy things like steal jeweled baby tiaras or pretend to be someone else and shop for houses.
Saul Goodman (Bob Odenkirk) is Walt and Jesse’s shady bus-bench lawyer.
Saul is a Maltese. He’s a wheeler-dealer who likes to be pampered. Although he might sometimes act like he just wants to rest his head on the bosom of his buxom secretary and for the big dogs to leave him alone, he’ll come running as soon as a fight breaks out.
Lydia (Laura Fraser) is the Head of Logistics at Madrigal Electromotive. She supplied methylamine to Gus and is now Walt’s supplier.
Lydia is a Border Collie. She’s bright, high-strung, and might chew her own tail off because of overwhelming anxiety. She’s good at anticipating what’s happening next, and that’s kept her alive on more than one occasion. She knows her tricks well, and she can recall them at will. Could drop dead from a heart attack at any moment.
Gus Fring (Giancarlo Esposito) was the head of an international drug ring and the manager of several branches of fast food chain Los Pollos Hermanos. He planned to kill Walt for getting too cocky, but at the end of season four, Walt blew off half Gus’s face with a nursing home bomb.
Gus is a Weimaraner. Stately, majestic, foreboding, and naturally impeccably groomed, Weimaraners are the epitome of class and style. And secrets!! Seriously, do not trust a Weimaraner. Especially around chicken. Or a box cutter.
Mike (Jonathan Banks) was Gus’s right-hand man and is world’s best grandpa. He went into business with Walt and Jesse after Gus’s death, but he hates Walt. Like, a lot. When he tries to get out, Walt accidentally (?) kills him. We miss Mike.
Mike is a Staffordshire Terrier. He’s tough and stout, with cropped ears. He also has a heart of gold, and fiercely protects the important people in his life. Despite all outward appearances, you totally want to cuddle with this guy.
Did we get it right or wrong? Would Walter White approve? Let us know in the comments!
All artistic manipulations courtesy of the awesome Madeleine Weiss.