Oh, come on now, don’t act like you’ve never heard of Burning Man.
I’m pretty sure that about 40 percent of San Francisco’s population comprises “burners” — folks who make the annual voyage out to Black Rock Desert for a week-long gonzo music and art festival called Burning Man. Not quite a rave and not quite the set of Mad Max, Burning Man is pretty serious business to some not-so-serious people (who are often businesspeople when they aren’t half naked).
Which is to say it was pretty quiet here in San Francisco last week while everyone was out there. Which got me thinking: What if dogs went to Burning Man? Or had their own Burning Man? These are the seven characters I imagined you’d encounter:
1. The young newbie who goes wild with the “special” Kong
It’s usually this kind of puppy’s very first trip to the Playa — in more ways than one. Usually the hardest drug they’ve ever done is that one time they nibbled on some cat grass (whoa!) and that other time he snoozed on the rug while his human friend watched Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. His friends smirk when he asks for a hit, but even a threshold amount is too much.
2. The old hippie who goes wild with the “special” Kong
It’s usually this old dog’s ninth trip to the Playa — in more ways than one. You’ll usually find him sitting next to the newbie, watching some sort of light show and muttering, “They sure make this stuff stronger than they did in my time.”
3. The career burner
When this dog is not at Burning Man, he’s either decompressing from Burning Man or recompressing (I made that up) from Burning Man, and the only thing he talks about is how he can’t wait to “get home to the Playa.”
4. The raver transferred to the desert
These dogs are totally bummed when the batteries run out in their laser pointers.
5. Frat bro dogs just looking for a pussy … cat
Being able to crush a beer can with your forehead is not impressive — it just means you have a thick skull.
6. The nudist
The nudist is barely five milliseconds onto the Playa and she’s already stripped down to her furry leg warmers and wig.
7. And then there’s …
You know what? I don’t wanna know. I can’t judge if I don’t know.
Top photo via Flickr