Back-to-school season isn’t just a bummer for all the parents waiting 10 deep in the line at Target, it’s also tough on dogs who feel left out. If your pup is pleading for a backpack of his own, take a minute to remind him of all the reasons why he truly is too cool for school.
His paws will never grace the stage of the Scripps National Spelling Bee, but your dog doesn’t need a televised showdown to prove he’s as smart as a fifth grader. A born genius, he learned how to spell when most humans his age were still messing with alphabet fridge magnets. You can’t fool this smart pup by spelling W-A-L-K. He’s onto you faster than he’s onto a T-R-E-A-T.
Biology class would be a snooze for a pooch who’s spent enough
time in the vet’s office to qualify for course credit. An aptitude for accidents means he’s logged countless hours studying anatomical posters while waiting to hear his own prognosis. It’s truly amazing what you can learn about the digestive tract by eating a sock.
He doesn’t show his work, but your dog is already pretty good at arithmetic. He may not need to memorize the many digits of pi, as he’s a natural at calculating the velocity of a dropped slice.
Remember high school phys ed.? Remember running lap after lap after lap because your gym teacher had a bad day? Now, imagine if your gym teacher made you run not just on bad days but on good days. And Saturdays and Sundays, too. If you don’t need to imagine this, congratulations on adopting your Husky.
While humans write songs about walking 500 miles for love, dogs have been known to actually do it — often crossing state lines in the process. Why study a map when your own nose is better than GPS?
This is not just a song but a problem for some. When a pooch can’t resist chasing tires, it’s best to keep him far away from a parking lot full of them.
School isn’t just about book learning, it’s also about learning how to make friends — a subject your dog mastered long ago. He’s never met a butt he didn’t want to sniff, and he’d probably win class president without breaking a sweat (and not just because he can’t).
School lunches are infamously uninspired fare, but to someone used to dining on dog food, that rectangle of suspiciously pale pizza receives five stars. Ditto for the rubbery chicken nuggets. Hot Dog Day? More like Happy Dog Day. Better keep the lunch lady’s No. 1 fan unenrolled for the sake of his waistline.
His favorite medium is noseprints on stainless steel. There’s no need to display art class papers on the refrigerator, because your dog has already turned the entire appliance into his personal canvas. He is an artist unappreciated in his time.
The other students would be jealous, but no teacher could help but pick favorites if this lovable pup became her pupil. You’d probably be jealous, too, when your canine companion became the apple of someone else’s eye. Homeschooling is obviously the best solution to protect the feelings of all humans involved.
Thumbnail: Photography ©damedeeso/Thinkstock.
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Heather Marcoux is a freelance writer who is more proud of her dogs’ diplomas than she is of her own. Her collegiate canines, Marshmallow and GhostBuster, are on Instagram as the @ghostpets, and she’s @HeatherMarcoux in the rowdy digital classroom that is Twitter.
Editor’s note: This article appeared in Dogster magazine. Have you seen the new Dogster print magazine in stores? Or in the waiting room of your vet’s office? Subscribe now to get Dogster magazine delivered straight to you!