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Our Newshound Barks About Dangerous Donald Trump Rallies, Naked Kim Kardashian, and DST

Whirlwind the Greyhound, our intrepid trends reporter, scans all of social media each week so you don't have to.

Tony Maglio  |  Mar 11th 2016


Happy Friday again, friends!

The Internet is a wonderful thing. After all, where else can a dog like me write for both people readers and my fellow canines (who, admittedly, mostly like to look at the pictures) — I don’t even have thumbs.

And evidently, there are OTHER websites beyond Dogster. What for? I have no idea. But some of them are pretty popular, and on occasion, their posts trend across the entire web. Like the morning newspaper, I’m here to fetch those stories and bring them directly to you. Good boy, am I right?

Below is what you missed if you napped all week like some stupid cat. And in case you stay-cationed in a luxury kennel hotel last week, here’s that roundup.

Whirlwind

Let’s get on with the news. (Whirlwind the Greyhound by Shutterstock)

Daylight Wasted Time

Dogs: Sit. I have some terrible, terrible news. No, it’s not the cat takeover we’ve been tracking. Felines are still years away from realizing that we’re more scared of them than they are of us.

Rather, my scans of the web this week have brought me to a topic called “Daylight Savings Time.” Apparently, twice a year humans change their time-keeping devices by one hour — once forward, and once backward. I believe this is their ongoing feeble attempt at time-travel — no other explanation could possibly make sense.

In the crisp weather people call the “fall” — that’s the one where we get to run through piles of tree-sheddings — this actually works out pretty well for us dogs. For one night during that season, we actually are allowed to sleep an extra hour! I know! Amazing! But here’s the bad news: This coming weekend is the one where we are legally forced to sleep one LESS hour.

I have no idea what to do about this, but ironically, none of us should take this lying down. I need a nap.

Sleeping Corgi by Shutterstock.

Sleeping Corgi by Shutterstock.

Selfie-Centered

This one might be hard to explain to my canine readers, but I’ll try.

So, humans apparently worship this woman named Kim. I can’t spell her last name, but she’s kind of like their Doug the Pug — very popular on social media.

I also don’t know what she does, but that’s not just because my brain is incapable of critical thinking. Even humans don’t know what Kim does, and they’re the smartest mammals on the planet!

Still, that’s a sliding scale, as Kim proves. This week, she took a photo without any human-sized doggie sweater on. This is apparently a big deal for those who aren’t naturally covered in fur.

Anyway, other humans who can apparently afford more XXXXXL doggie jackets (I’m guessing that’s the size a person would need) barked at Kim over her silly behavior. Some even called her a “bitch,” which I’m told has a MUCH different meaning when referring to female homo sapiens.

When you’re like I have nothing to wear LOL

A photo posted by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on

Next Commander-in-Chief Begins Battle

Donald Trump: Call off your guard dogs.

Last week, I wrote about Chris Christie’s uncomfortable Trump endorsement. This week, we’re tackling the GOP frontrunner himself, as apparently The Donald’s campaign manager is now tackling female reporters.

According to some media reports — including her own first-person account — Breitbart reporter Michelle Fields was practically thrown to the ground by a Trump gang member. She posted a photo of arm bruises that she says stemmed from the incident.

And a separate rally, one Trump supporter reportedly sucker-punched a protestor. Humans can be a dangerous breed.

Michelle Fields' arm

Michelle Fields’ arm

Call 911 on Cesar

This one hits close to home — and homepage.

Us pooches have had it up to our non-choke collars with Cesar Milan’s training techniques. The man is a menace, what with his firm, stern, and oftentimes aggressive training techniques.

As a result of the latest televised incident, which endangered both a canine and pigs, multiple petitions nabbed a ton of signatures (For dogs: These are like human paw prints) in an effort for the Nat Geo Wild to yank Milan’s show. Now, I love the channel, I sometimes even ask my parents to leave it on when they go to work — but I endorse a little more positive reinforcement-type of obedience training. You know, the kind that comes with a lot of Milk-Bones, and much less anxiety.

Anyway, Milan is officially being investigated by the heroes at the L.A. Country Animal Care & Control. Us dogs say throw him in the human kennel (For people: That’s jail) and swallow the key!

In other words, Cesar, you are NOT our pack leader. In case those CAPS make it sound like I’m shouting, let me used my inside bark for “The Dog Whisperer”: Tsch! Go to your room!

Cesar Millan. (Photo courtesy National Geographic Channel)

Cesar Millan. (Photo courtesy National Geographic Channel)

What were your favorite stories of the week? Did I miss any big ones? Check back next week for a new litter of stories.