|Barked: Fri Aug 3, '12 10:25am PST |
|You got a Land Shark.
Who knew that when you got a puppy, you were signing your soul away to own a shark. Seriously. A shark that can live out of water - on land, with four legs. This Land Shark still retains its insanely sharp teeth to make up for having fewer of them, and takes every opportunity to remind you of its simple-minded-biteyness.
“You’re walking? MUST… BITE..” It will wrap its front legs around your legs, hold you in place and bite whatever it can reach – usually your ankles as the Land Shark is usually small and young.
“That isn’t a toy. IT’S PREY!” It determines that this prey needs nothing more than to be shredded. Fear this Land Shark.
“Those aren’t cords. They’re snakes! I’ll protect you!” Those snakes need to be destroyed for the safety of everyone in the home. Seriously. The contradiction of said Land Shark protecting you by disemboweling those ‘snakes’ while still chewing your ankles is the ultimate wtf.
Give this Land Shark trouble, and you’re instantly determined to be the enemy. “I saved you from those snakes and you want to discipline me? WARFACE.” This warface is the ultimate threat. They show you their shark teeth!
Each moment of the Land Shark’s existence is spent shredding prey, disemboweling dangers, and threatening you, the enemy. And if that wasn’t enough, Land Shark enjoys getting back at you by leaving messes all over the place.
“HAHA. TAKE THAT. AND THAT.” To which you find little puddles of yellow stuff and when you look around for Land Shark, they are hiding, snickering away in that quiet way of theirs while you clean up their pee. “Now who’s trained who?!”
But as soon as you have food of any sort, be prepared for Land Shark to tackle you with every bit of lovingness possible. “You haz food?! Share food? I LOVE YOU. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. I’m starved! I’m neglected! I need foooooddd!” And they’ll be dramatic about it too, because if jumping around doesn’t work, they’ll start crawling around low to the ground, tail wagging as hard as can be, while the Land Shark pleads with those eyes and utter cuteness. “Buy into my cuteness, human!”
Land Shark gobbles up food. Land Shark takes pleasure in tormenting the other animals of the household. Land Shark will walk all over you, literally. Land Shark is the ultimate cuteness that has sharp shark-teeth that shred EVERYTHING. Be warned, Land Shark does have a teething phase! And then everything is fair game!
Be prepared. When you get a puppy, you sign up for a Land Shark.
Just my reflections on the life of living with a Land Shark.
In all seriousness? Most of these Land Shark behaviors have disappeared. But it was amusing to reflect back on them.
Anyone else get a Land Shark instead?
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