Funny Story

  
♥Mayb- elle♥

~~~It's all- about me!~~~
 
 
Barked: Mon Jun 29, '09 9:20am PST 
This story was in an e-mail that I got. It's called "Only a man would attempt this"

So far, all the guyz I know who have read it haven't though it was so funny!!!

Enjoy!!! laugh out loudbig laughlaugh out loudbig laughlaugh out loud





ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely
wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate
time to retreat to safety.... (??)

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it
against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face
of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't
be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my
recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was
reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out
on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie
(for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer
in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and


disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer
than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at
this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;
pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking
to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description,
but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as
to say, 'don't do it dipstick,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a
tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a
one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh,
pushed the button, and .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the
recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my
eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicals nowhere to be found,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my
legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel


compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You
will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My
triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it
had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no
control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense
of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came
from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicals and I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return!

P.S. - My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now
regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!



laugh out loudlaugh out loudlaugh out loudlaugh out loudbig laughbig laughbig laughbig laughbig laughbig laugh The title certainly makes sense!!!
Phoebe

lil' one
 
 
Barked: Tue Jun 30, '09 6:06am PST 
Just like a man! They just won't read directions, or ask for them!
Gr8 story!!! laugh out loudlaugh out loudlaugh out loudlaugh out loudlaugh out loud (we are all WOMEN here?)
♥Mayb- elle♥

~~~It's all- about me!~~~
 
 
Barked: Wed Jul 1, '09 8:37am PST 
laugh out loudbig laughlaugh out loudbig laughTotally!!!

Ya, I think that pretty much all of us are women here; except Sailer's dad, but he's not really here much....

Phoebe

lil' one
 
 
Barked: Fri Jul 3, '09 3:50pm PST 
hail
Tessa

You may- approach.
 
 
Barked: Fri Jul 3, '09 5:44pm PST 
big laughbig laughbig laughbig laughI THINK I'M GONNA' DIE!big laughbig laughbig laughbig laugh
♥Mayb- elle♥

~~~It's all- about me!~~~
 
 
Barked: Mon Jul 6, '09 7:52am PST 
laugh out loudlaugh out loudlaugh out loudlaugh out loudbig laughbig laughbig laughbig laughbig laugh That's one that'll never get old!

Edited by author Mon Jul 6, '09 7:52am PST

Phoebe

lil' one
 
 
Barked: Tue Jul 7, '09 4:25am PST 
oooooo


we bad!!!!!!!!!!!!! blue dog
♥Mayb- elle♥

~~~It's all- about me!~~~
 
 
Barked: Wed Jul 8, '09 7:48am PST 
laugh out loudYa, but just think of all the *funny*stories guyz share about women! We're not THAT bad! laugh out loudlaugh out loudlaugh out loudbig laugh


*smirk* I'm still laughing at that story!