Grief Relief

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Whitie- Speciality- Germiquet

Attention pls- more Attention
Barked: Fri Jan 4, '08 7:57pm PST 
Thanks Sasha and everyone else for sharing your stories.

I too am feeling guilty today for the loss of my baby girl Whitie Speciality My daughter.

You see in November she tore her ligament in her left front inside leg. I got her to the vet and at that time asked if the lumps on her meant cancer because motherly instinct told me she had it I was so scared. But I was told they were f atty tissue cells and not to worry and I got her her shots all of the ones she needed here. Parvo, Rabies, Distemper.
Then I came home I didn't push for blood tests I wanted to believe there was nothing wrong even if in my heart and my instincts said there was after the ligament healed she was back to herself again.

Then One day I put advantage on her because she every month had to be treated for fleas due to her deathly allergies to bug bites and that same day gave her a piece of meat.

She got real sick the next day not vomitting sick but she was pooping water blood poop. I rushed her to the vet and was told Colitis He wouldn't take blood and in my heart I should've pushed for it and pushed for it because again I knew my baby was real sick I knew it wasn't colitis and I knew it was cancer yet again I didn't say a thing I wanted to believe the vet after all he is a medical specialist for our babies right?

Then a week later the Tues Before christmas she got real sick The other medication was done but she got real sick. She couldn't even keep down her water nevermind trying to feed her she would drink and be sick drink and be sick she couldn't keep it down

again I madly called around for a ride and rushed her to the vet at 9:30am in the morning. Again the vet said Colitis this time i fought him I pushed for blood he didn't want to do it cause I already owed him to much but thanks to the receptionist He took the blood for my baby girl.
And also checked her stools for worms and she was fine no worms. I wasn't worried about that

He sent me home with 3 meds for her. Then I called the next day 3 times for results all 3 times was told not in yet so all 3 times left the number where I was at my friends since the next day I was going home for christmas and said please have him call me there..

Instead he left it on my machine. I went home for Christmas knowing I was going to lose my baby girl Whitie Speciality to Jesus.

Mom spoke to the vet for me while I was down there I called him and had her speak to him. He told my mom her liver enzyme levels were over 835 count and shouldn't be over 150 count and that mostly meant she was in liver failure but ultrasound was needed. He I believe only wanted the money I couldn't afford that at $1000 nor could I afford to get her to Guelph would've been even more and I knew without a doubt it was liver cancer all her symptoms same as my mom's cat they were all the same and Butterfly passed on from liver cancer in November.

And she had more lumps on her also. I knew and my cats had known ages before since August that was why I knew in November because of them. Yet I did nothing.. I got to spend one last Christmas with my baby girl I doted on her completely with the medication she was able to eat and drink..

Then we came home on Boxing day and on the 27th she took a turn for the worse she didn't even want to go for a walk she layed on my bed all day except for when I made her go out for a pee. She didn't want to drink and she didn't want to eat and my babies all layed together snuggling with her. Her tongue turned a purplish bluish which I was told showed even more problems then just her liver and showed most probably her heart.

On Dec 28, 2007 We spent our last day together we went for 2 walks very slowly but she wanted to walk with me her mommy and say goodbye to friends. Then most of the day she spent saying goodbye to her sisters and me her mommy we spent on the bed snuggling laying side by side her sisters kissing and snuggling her and saying their goodbyes that morning I had told them Whitie would go to Heaven and I had explained everything to my baby girl too. About how she would get real tired and go to sleep and wake up with Jesus and everyone who she would meet I told her everything..

We went at 4:30. She walked in with me.. All through it I held her and spoke to her she fought the sedation so hard I sat on the floor beside her and said it's ok honey lay down baby girl lay down pls. She wouldn't and her legs were wobbling so I helped her lay down very gently then I held onto her hugging and kissing her telling her it was ok to go that it was her time that she didn't need to be afraid and that I her mommy would be ok..

She knew I needed her to help me get out and go for walks and not get depressed and with Panic attacks and to tell me when Bon-Bon was going to have a seizure we had a close bond but I told her it was ok that i was going to be ok and that it was her time to go see Jesus and she didn't have to worry finally she let herself go to sleep.. I held onto her while they let her go to Heaven. The vet told me once she was gone I just kept holding her kissing her hugging her and talking to her then he said it a second time and I turned and one more time one more goodbye and walked out with just her leash and collar

The hardest thing I ever had to do.. I knew my bill was high but I couldn't see them disposing of my baby's body my daughter the way the would if I didn't so I asked for acremation told them I would pay them with my income tax thankfully they said no problem

Now I sit and wait for the vet to call me and tell me her ashes have come in.. When they do in the spring or summer I will bury her in one of her favourite places where she loved to be beside two of her best friends that she met in Heaven.

I feel guilty like I should've pushed before like I could've done something if I had.
But mom told me that with the liver it can work no problem with just 25% and you never know any problems especially when Whitie had such high pain tolerance. She said I couldn't have done anything to help my baby girl my daughter. my hero.

I know this is true but I still feel really guilty..
Maybe I shouldn't have given her the piece of meat?
Maybe I shouldn't have put the advantage on her?
Maybe I shouldn't have let her have her shots?
Maybe I should've pushed in November for blood tests..

Maybe everything maybe and I should've taken her for more walks made her wear her boots this year even though she didn't want her..

I know none of these would've made a difference but all the maybe's

I promised her I would rescue another dog in her name In fact I know I must without Whitie I don't go for walks I don't go out I stay inmy aprt.
Panic attacks galore

and I am depressed

All the things Whitie helped me with all the reasons why I didn't need meds because she helped me more then Iever helped her.

I am looking now My heart open to love another pup even though I know none other will be anything like my sweet Daughter Whitie Speciality.

But I know Whitie wouldn't want me to go on the way I am because of guilt or anything so here I look. I know Jesus will bring the right one to me or me to the right one male or female I want another female but if it turns out to be a male then so be it..

I am struggling day by day having to live moment by moment. My 3 cat daughters are hurting too and I know this.

Autumn is especially hurting and it hurts me to see her like that.
She was so close to Whtiie they had such a close bond.
Whitie adopted Autumn as her own brought her into the family not me and Whitie was like Autumn's mom since I've had her since she was 4 weeks old. Whitie was everything to Autumn as she was to me.
I just pray that autumn's heart will mend.

Everytime she cries I jump and give her attention I will not wash Whitie's pillows or pillow cases or blanket until Autumn I feel has grieved I do not want to take the only comfort Autumn has away right now and that is What is left of Whitie's scent on her pillows and blanket. Or on the Couch where i had a blanket on there too.
I will not do that to my babies it would only stress them out more...

I know I will be ok in time my heart will mend I just pray and pray that so will Autumns the other 2 are already mending right now but I pray Autumn will too in time

Thanks for reading my ranting and raving
Cisco Kid

Free Kisses!!!
Barked: Fri Jan 4, '08 8:12pm PST 
cryDear Whitie's Mom (Tara), please, please try not to feel too bad...we do all we can and then we still want to do more. Your precious Angel is in Heaven now. Whitie, you look wonderful with your new wings!

Cisco & Cisco's Mama
Whitie- Speciality- Germiquet

Attention pls- more Attention
Barked: Fri Jan 4, '08 8:33pm PST 
Thank-you Kindly Cisco Mom I guess it is just because I just let her go to Heaven last week. I feel so raw inside so lonely and empty without her sitting here by my side or going for walks with me on all my errands but for shopping or going visiting with me..

In a way I do blame myself I can see where the others are in that..
So thank-you very kindly Cisco mom and I love Whitie's wings Too Jerry did a great job on them.. They sure are gorgeous.. Whitie my daughter will always live on in my heart with her memories and I will always love her no matter what...
I still talk to her I know if she can't hear me Jesus can and Jesus will tell her what I say..
Thanks Cisco mom again

Cisco Kid

Free Kisses!!!
Barked: Sat Jan 5, '08 6:07pm PST 
My Mama wrote this poem for me today, I hope you enjoy it.

A leaf on the wind, a cloud in the sky,
Recall you to mind my Little Guy.
A kiss on my nose, your breath was so sweet
In Heaven you wait till the day when we meet.
Your time here was short as all pups must go,
You live in my heart I hope that you know.
Some days are so long, some nights I do cry
You sit at the Bridge with wings now you fly.
Leaves blew today, clouds floated by,
Recalling once more, days of you and I.

I miss you so much Cisco Kid...looking forward to the day when our eyes lock together once more!!!

Your Loving Mama
~Angel (RIP- 11/20/07)~

Busy sprinkling- angel dust all- day
Barked: Mon Jan 7, '08 6:25am PST 
Hi Sadie Mae and Cisco Kid. wave

As always you guys made my Julie feel better. We don't know what we would do without all of the angel pups and their moms. hug cloud 9
D-Day *The- MacDaddy*

just a big- momma's boy
Barked: Mon Jan 7, '08 7:36am PST 
Whitie's mom, you can't blame yourself. My mom did too but in the end they loved us with all their hearts and that's what mattered. It's all about how we lived and not how we passed. I was diagnosed with cancer 2 years before I passed. There was no protocol for my cancer and they gave me 4 months. They found it before tumors formed and still there was nothing she could do. Like I said I lived for 2 more years. A week before I passed my bloodwork came back fine. I just missed Jazzy-girl so much (she passed a month before me) that I never came out of my depression and died of a broken heart.
I hope your mom will find that special pup that will help start to mend the hole in her heart. My poor mom got the phantom menace! But they needed each other.
Chloe has- grown wings

In the arms of- the Great- Caretaker
Barked: Mon Jan 7, '08 7:42am PST 
OH everyone group hug!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I'm new here but the stories are so touching!!! Chloe headed off to the rainbow bridge a year and a half ago and I still miss her! I wish I could say that over time it has been easier, but its not so much that its easier, you just learn to deal with it. There are good days and bad days. I don't know how long it takes to go from grieving to just missing a loved one but I'm hoping that I'm in the transition stage. Beautiful words have been said in here and I'm great ful to have found this group!
Daisy (In- Loving- Memory)

Sniff- the good- Sniff
Barked: Mon Jan 7, '08 7:43am PST 
We all stick together to help each other...hugs Daisyhug
Whitie- Speciality- Germiquet

Attention pls- more Attention
Barked: Tue Jan 8, '08 7:11pm PST 
Thank-you kindly everyone and I enjoyed the poem too..
Everyone has been a great help..

I still miss Whitie so much I have Jed here now a baby boy and I sure pray I can get him to get used to being crated and over his separation anxiety so he stops barking and I can go out more so I can keep him he has been a help he came to stay on Saturday at 3pm started as a foster but I've fallen in love with him.

Whitie came to me in a dream since I was feeling guilty of having him here so soon she was playing with him in that dream I guess her way of saying It is ok and that she accepts him and loves him too.

But I still cry for her as I type this I'm crying.. I miss her so. Jed is sleeping. But the past two days when I cried for her he jumped on me and started kissing my face. He sure has a way to make me smile and is completely opposite then what Whitie was.. Very playful too..

I am grateful to dogster and catster for all the support.. I know it is getting easier.. And hopefully one day I can think about my baby girl daughter Whitie and I will smile and not cry. Thanks everyone
Putter- 6/9/95 - 2/9/07

Little Dog- Big Personality!
Barked: Tue Jan 8, '08 7:35pm PST 

Tara, I'm so glad Whitie came to you to put your mind at ease. You have so much love, Whitie knows you have to share it with another pup! Many, many hugs to you, Putter's mom, Tricia

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