NILIF Parenting

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Ball?! Did- someone say- BALL?!!!!!
Barked: Thu Dec 8, '11 8:40am PST 
I am at the end of my parenting rope. My children no longer listen to what I say, rarely do what they are told and frequently are disrespectful. This came to a crux today when my 6 year old son told me, as I was helping him to peel his orange, that I was a bad Mama. He wasn't upset or angry. He had not gotten in trouble. It was completely out of the blue. I handed him back his orange and told him that he could finish peeling it as bad mothers didn't do that kind of thing for their children. A 40 minute tantrum ensued followed by 10 minutes of him scrambling to eat breakfast, get dressed, brush his teeth and grab his school things. While he was eating, I made a quick phone call to my dad for emotional support for my extreme parenting move. While he was in the van he was very loving (as sometimes happens after his tantrums) and even in a good mood. When I dropped him off, I went into the school to ask them about bringing him in in his pajamas if needed and about our decision on how to handle his recent behavior.

This isn't the first time this type of behavior has occurred but my husband and I have permitted it to go on for far too long. As of yesterday, I started using a version of NILIF with my daughter, 4 years old. I asked her to do something and if she did not do it after a second request and a reasonable amount of time I would take away a toy. If she did it right away, she could earn back one of her toys (her choice). If she dawdled, she does not get a toy back and is reminded that if she does what she is told/asked, she can get her toys back. So far, it has resulted in many tears and at the end of the day yesterday she had earned back all her toys. Today, 2 hours into the day she is down 3 toys. We'll see how the day goes.

Our son has ADHD (as do I) and we are working with his doctor on his medications. The loving behavior after a tantrum is often seen in those of us with the disorder as we simply forget how angry we were. Today, due to many behavioral problems we've been having with our son, I am packing away ALL his toys. My intention with such a strong move is that he starts with a clean slate. He will not be punished for previous behavior such as this mornings tantrum. He will have household chores/responsibilities and be put on a strict schedule. He will be able to earn back his toys but the key word here is earn.

I know that we have been FAR too permissive with our children. I don't think that complete authoritarian style of parenting will be good for our family for the long run. I just want to get a grip on the continuously escalating trend of defiance and disrespect. I am hoping that at some point we will be able to find balance.

What style of parenting did you find most effective? How did you put it into effect?

Dunlop-named for- the rider not- the tyer
Barked: Sun Jan 15, '12 12:04pm PST 
I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child but had bad reactions to meds. One in particular I stopped eating. What type of approach are they trying meds wise?

My parents tried the same approach with me and it worked. Aunt and uncle are now trying it with their unruly 8 year old with great results. The child a few years ago "mooned" his other grandma and had me, my mother and my 90year old ex army nurse grandmother land on him like a ton of bricks. BTW do time outs still work with him or is his attention span too short for it to work?

Ball?! Did- someone say- BALL?!!!!!
Barked: Sun Jan 15, '12 2:56pm PST 
He's now taking Focalin. We switched to it from Adderall XR not long after that day. In fact, he started the new meds 3 days before Christmas break let out. He is doing MUCH better on the new meds although we are still tinkering with dosage. The main issue besides his quick metabolization of the Adderall was that he wouldn't eat on it either. That was scary as ever since he was an infant, he has been in the 50 percentile for height and 10 percentile for weight. Time-outs have long since not worked for him with the exception of when we use them to help him not be overloaded.

I have ADHD too and it really doesn't help any of us. I am taking meds, Adderall XR, and upped my own meds this past month. In myself, I knew I needed to adjust them when I was driving one day and was waiting to turn onto a street, saw a car coming and chose to go anyway. Nothing happened but it was a huge, red flag that I was starting to make bad choices and my impulsiveness was showing.

The downside is that with my own distraction/loss of interest, it is hard for me to be a consistent parent. My husband, I'm sure, has a hard time because I'm always coming up with "better ways to be a better parent". It's just maddening... even to me. I got the kids each a magnetic responsibility chart for Christmas. It worked beautifully in conjunction with the toy confiscation for about a week and then my distraction kicked in. As in, my kids would bring me their charts and I'd blow it off. All of this coincided with the stress from Tyson's court issues and I was more or less pinging around with no direction and no idea how to get back together. For now, I am focusing on clearing my mind (meditation), getting my "work" done (housework) and getting back to using the charts with the kids.