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10th of September: Analyzation

September 13th 2010 10:42 am
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I had my long awaited appointment with someone at CU’s Psychiatric Department to talk about the possibility of bringing you to school with me next semester (or the next…) I was extremely nervous, and had a really hard time keeping my thoughts together. She asked me a few questions and my mind went totally blank… for example, she asked “How my symptoms manifest”. For some reason that simple sentence was completely out of my range of comprehension. I asked her four times to repeat the question, and I couldn’t think of a single thing.

I was able to talk about you, though. This was the part of the appointment I have been rehearsing forever. I told her about PSDs (gave her a brochure too) and explained how you help me. Though I could only think of a few examples… again, brain malfunction.

We talked a lot about my symptoms (the basic ones I could remember) and how they affect how I function. She asked me if I would think about taking time off of school to “take care of myself”. I asked her what she meant, and she suggested I drop out of my classes and go to an IN-PATIENT FACILITY. Whaaat? I told her that would only make things worse for me… especially with my travel anxiety, and not being able to be away from home. I explained to her that I already had an idea of the treatment I wanted to go through to get over this. I have 11 years of school ahead of me, and I can’t take ANOTHER year off to ‘take care of myself’. I probably should, but it would really mess up the way I’m living right now… I’m not so sure which would be more stressful; Being stuck as an in-patient and feeling like I’m not going anywhere in life for another year, or gritting my teeth and powering through it. I’m voting to power through it.

She looked very confused. I told her that I think the problem I have with seeing psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists (and the problem we were running into at the moment) is that I KNOW what’s wrong with me. I don’t need someone else to tell me. For god’s sake, I’m a psychology major! I’ve assessed myself head to toe from the inside out a million times over. My ‘traumatic event’ was age 14-15. I didn’t talk to anyone about it until I was 18. I spent four YEARS in my own head, picking myself apart over this. I know myself pretty well by now, and I can see that meds make things tolerable. EMDR made things worse. Hypnotherapy made things TONS worse. And I can tell you right now, being an in-patient would drive me over the edge.

I told her I had talked to my psychiatrist about doing BioFeedback (or NeuroFeedback, though that isn’t covered by insurance so…) to work on monitoring my stress reactions. I want to take a stress-related group therapy to help me learn new coping skills, and hopefully socialize myself with people who will understand. I am going to call the lady who specializes in learning disabilities and see if she can help me with my school-work problems. On top of all that, I want Mina with me to help me stay functional.

She told me she was very impressed by me, and that I was an anomaly (wonderful… an anomaly). But she saw my problem… I come across as fairly normal because I try my hardest not to show my feelings and be emotional. I’m a smart person, and she could tell by the way I speak. I can see what’s wrong with me, and have so many great goals in mind, but am hindered by ‘all this shit’. (yes, her words)

I don’t remember much after this point. I was really relieved that finally someone was able to see through me. I wasn’t getting in the way of myself anymore. She went to talk to someone about disability services and about the PSD idea in general, and came back with some paperwork. I can’t remember what she said about it, but she made appointments for me to see a psychiatrist and a therapist.

I really hope this works out… this could very well determine the course of the rest of my life. At 19, that's a really scary thought.


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