To the Humans:

Arrrroooooo!! Come help me make Mom be less mean. She leaves us alone all day everyday to go off somewhere and have fun. When she comes home, I give her shoes so she knows how I feel about it. But no, she gets mad over me giving the gift of love to them. I tenderly take a lace here and there and digest it out the other way so it'll be nice and soft for her. Not stiff and brand new anymore. And then i also apply my teeth to the edges to make a wider opening for her to get her fat feet in. But noooo, she doesn't see all my hard work in her absence. I'm not the one that pees and poops in the house, Max is. And he doesn't get whipped for it. Mom is always getting mad at me. I've been making it easy for her by vocalizing and leading her to where my food is. Instead she insults me and calls me fat! Call the kettle black... And then she has the nerve to whine and complain when I go to bed with them and lay on top of her to show her how close i feel. Can I do anything right short of chewing her ragged cuticles off?? Call the cops please to show Mom the right way to go! I'll appreciate it evermore. Your loving and faithful Scout.

What about a vacation with dogs??

I need a little help from all my dog buds…how do you keep your humans from leaving you for a long time? Mom and Dad tricked us. They left after putting all their clothes in some bags and putting them in the car. Me ‘n’ Max laid down to sleep while we thought they were out slaving for our greenies. We woke up at night and went to stand at the garage door but they never came home. The nerve! Instead, this girl named Lynn came and she brought some clothes of hers. We knocked her down running to see if Mom and Dad were behind her. She said “Scout & Max, you will be having me serve your every want and need for a few days. Is there anything you would like for me to do?” Now how much barking does it take for the message “leave!” to be transmitted?

In all fairness, she was rather nice and tried to get us to sleep with her at bedtime. We got to go outside to pee, got our food and wait, it gets better… walks 2x a day!! Mom sometimes doesn’t want to walk us so we are lucky if we get walks everyday. She tells Dad she is just avoiding being dragged down the sidewalk and hurting her other knee. This Lynn gal brought these sticks with her and would bang them together. She called it fiber art. What is that? Why would you do that if you could be licking yourself instead? She told us all about her boyfriend and how they would go parking. Oops.. guess her secret is out! You try holding your pee all day and then submitting as a furry mannequin at night. I do not do soap operas, knitting or modeling --- I hunt wild prey, my true calling… Not having doggy sweaters put on me. Max, he was a total wuss. He loved it so much that I’m thinking about entering him in a contest called “The Dog”. I think he’ll be in his glory with all that fairy dust after they put the crown on his itty bitty ears. I told him just bring back all the food that you win and if you please, our Mom and Dad.

Went out West to catch me Prairie Dogs....

My grand adventure as a companion animal. Wow, did I ever have a fun time!!! I didn’t know what Mom was up to when she shoved that peanut butter in me again. But I sure wasn’t happy when she stuck that yellow scarf on me along with the “owie, mommie you’re choking me”collar that I won after she hurt her knee. We went to a big place with lots of people and silver tubes smashing to the ground and going off into the sky. I looked at her and wondered why Daddy and Max were leaving me? Max didn’t have no stinking yellow scarf on and he was laughing at me as they drove off. Next she took me into the airport while people made a fuss over me. There were all these beeping noises going off but all the men in blue wanted to do was pet me, talk to me like I am a big baby and make funny faces. I would have growled at them but mom was pulling on my collar so I couldn’t breathe to warn me no funny crap or she’ll drag me down the hall of shame.

Next thing I know we were pushed into one of the tubes and she pushed me down onto the floor in front of her seat. I wasn’t allowed to walk, run or play. I think she tricked me again too with the peanut butter because I slept for a while after a way bumpier ride than I have had in boats but without the water. Once we crashed to ground, all these people were running around with bags to get out. They weren’t making any room for me so I tried to crawl under some seats to the front because I had to go pee bad. Mom said no!! She pulled me out and let me get off with her but made me wait. And then we ran and ran to get outside. That was the longest pee of my life. And it was hot, hot like hades where I was born. Some lady was there to pick us up and she said hi to me, told me her name was Jodi and that we were going camping. Camping??? No idea what it means….

We got in the car and went to a Quintana Inn. They said we were sleeping there so I wondered if Daddy and Max would be there but noooooo, we were met by 2 other dogs. Their names were Sophie and Deaus. Deaus started barking and growling at me so Sophie thought she had to do it too. Nobody out-barks me so I went right back at them to show my stuff. Then Mom and I went to my room. Jodi bought us food, wonderful Jodi….how did she know I would be hungry for my french fries? Then I fell asleep and next thing I know it's morning, Mom was trying to make me go poop. I couldn’t because there was no grass and it was hot. I tried and tried. Then Sophie came out and did a big monster one and that helped me to poop. I wanted to outsize her to show her I am all man.

Then we got in the car to go on a long, long drive to Caleeforna. I slept all the way and Sophie let me move all around while Deaus was a baby and stayed on his mom’s lap. Fine by me, Sophie is my girl now! We got to the camping place and it looked like we were gonna be outside in funny looking triangles with all these other dogs that looked just like me. All talking like me – arrrrrrooooooo!!!!! They made dinner, I could smell it but they wouldn’t let me near the food. I was far away from mom and the food, so I barked and barked and howled. Then mom made me go to the bed in the orange triangle. It must have been from Bermuda and I was afraid we would get lost and never come home again. I was nervous all night and woke her up in the morning by stepping on her face. She opened the tent to show me we were still in the place called Cali.

We spent 3 days there with people and all kinds of shibas like me. Mom let me stand outside the food tent (that’s what they are really called and you don’t get lost forever) and see her. People pet me and took pictures of me. I got to go down to the lake and bite the wave bubbles. I fell in love with the little dogs that dig holes in the ground and pop up and down. They come from the prairie and I couldn’t take them home with me. I got to go on long walks with mom and also see a real honest to god dogfight! I felt bad for the 2 dogs, Deaus and Nicco. They hurt themselves and were bleeding but maybe they’ll learn to eat instead like me and be happy just to be fat and lazy like King Scout.

The bad news is I had to go home the same way I got to Caleeforna. In a flying, smash to the ground tube. This time, I tried to climb up into an empty seat and hide under the airplane blanket. After a while, the airline lady came and found me hiding. She made me get on the floor, mean lady. But then we banged to the ground and ran, ran outside to pee where Daddy and Max were!! Max and I were so happy to see each other. Max jumped on the window and I jumped on the car to see him. What a big trip my Mom took on me. If you can go out west, see if you can get your mom or dad to drive you… it’s more fun and you don’t have to hold all your pee. You can get to chase prairie dogs in and out of their holes too like a game! And hold Begging Bongs around the campfire to torture your owners.....

My song

My friends' moms are building paradise for us dogs out west. They are gonna call it shibaville! We will be able to run free, catch anything we want and eat it all up! Mom's birthday is in October and she shares it with a dead beetle I probably stomped and his name was John.

She changed John's song for me. I think we can make it our shibaville song, what do you think?

Imagine there's no fences,
It's easy if you try,
No water below us,
Above us only clear skies,
Imagine all the shibas
living for today...

Imagine there's no restrictions,
It isnt hard to do,
Nothing to sit or shake for,
No leashes too,
Imagine all the shibas
living life in freedom...

You may say I'm a dreamer....
but I'm not the only one, Arrroooooo

How I got a brother

When Dad left me and Mom to go away, he said he was going over the big pond to see some of his other family. He was leaving us his first family to go see his second family, leaving us like we are dog doody. Mom said not to worry, that she would bring home a surprise for me. And boy, did she.....

I laid down for a day of napping with Sunshine after she went to work the next day. Next thing I knew what should come rushing into the house but a creature racing faster than I could lift my head. My tired eyes struggled to focus. Was it a rat? Nope too big.... was it a cat... nope.. I heard it bark, not meow. Mom!!! Are you having second thoughts about me?? Oh nooooo!! The beast jumped onto me and I snapped at it to let it know I was Boss Dog in this here manor. Looked like a tiny dog to me, somewhat manageable. nope....

She picked it up and told me that he was Max and he just came from the pound. A tibbie spaniel who was not wanted in his former home by the owner or their dog. Well, mom if they didn't want him, why would we?? She said "Scout, now we should make nice. Remember when nobody wanted
you?" Thanks alot, Mom! Deflate my ego and build his up, eh? If those are the conditions for my continued residency and lifetime supply of kibbles & water, fine... But i'll be a horse's butt, if I'm sharing. Now that we're settled, everyone be gone so I can get my sleep.

So Mom leaves and I close my eyes. Next thing I know bounce, bounce...the rat is invading my space, jumping on my couch and barking in my ear. I howl at him and chase him around the house to go away and stop. All he wants to do is bother me and then horrors, he lifts a leg and pees on mom's chair. Uh oh....ha! Mom sees this, she'll take him back for sure to the pound. Victory is mine! I lay down and ignore him for the next few hours until she comes home. When she does I look at her. She sighs, cleans it up and takes him out back to learn proper potty rules. Mom didn't kick him out!! This happens for a whole week... Since the rat was around, I figure it was okay to wrestle with him when no one was looking. So I started a game to mess with his head. I jumped on him and barked and pawed at him. It got to be kind of fun. I have to admit it wasn't so bad, not being alone during the day. I started sharing my water and food with him.

Dad finally came home after a week. I thought it would be fun to see his reaction when he saw the peeing yapping little rat named Max. Me and Mom drove to get him when he ran out of gas at the bridge. When we got home, he heard the beast from the driveway and he said, I quote "did you get another dog??".... Ha!!! Dad ran to the house and saw the little rat. Boy.... was mom in trouble! She begged him for a week's chance. I was a little happy. I thought I would be the king of the house again. Just me, my mom and dad. The next day, Dad got up and he was snuggling with Max the rat. What happened? Dad, what about me? He told Mom, "no more dogs!!" Right, Dad! Kick him out, he's a rat! But I guess, he's a dog technically. So.... that's the story of how rat dog got to come live with us. He's not so bad, when he's not peeing indoors, stealing my toys & rawhides, yapping his mouth and being an annoying brother to me.

My First Job

I got fired from my first and only job ever this week. I don't know how or why it happened but it was an interesting week nevertheless. I was soooo proud when dad told me to get ready for work when he woke mom and me up on Monday morning. Work? Me? This sounded novel and interesting, to go and see what they do for a change. I just stood up, shook off the cobwebs of sleep, jumped off the bed and ran to the door to signal that I was ready to go. I wasn't going to give him a fraction of a second to change his mind. Sunshine and the couch gets old after about the first hour with nobody around.

We pulled up to what looked like an old shack and he immediately tied me up to the tree. I don't know what he expected me to do, scare off intruders who would bother him while he's working? Perhaps he was bad and didn't pull his permission from the city man, I hear they come and spank you for that. So not only did I have to watch out for nosey neighbors, the mailman, animal control officers but any man who looked like he came from a desk and pushed a red pencil. At least that's what I think he and his friend Larry were saying about the bad man. So I ran around and around looking each way up and down the street. My rope was getting was shorter and shorter until I couldn't breathe no more. Then Dad came out and he couldn't see me. I was white as a ghost from the paint I tipped over. So not only did he have pull all my rope apart but he had to spray that cold water on me to clean me. Then he cursed about paint all the way to Home Depose (You of $$). When it was lunchtime, nobody helped me get my food. I had to pry the lid off and get my own food. I ate it all and the plastic just because I was hungry. Dad said I got a subpar evaluation for the day and would have to try harder the next day.

So Tuesday comes and the same things happened. I accidentally spill his beautiful paint and all the trees and bushes got in my way of trying to watch out for the men he didn't want to bother him. I didn't eat the lunch because he didn't bring any so I thought my rating approval might go up for that. He didn't complain too much, just muttered about the paint on the way back to Home Despise. Wednesday comes and they finished the outside so they were working indoors. I try to paw the door so I could tell them that there were fishy people going by. He opened the door and I ran inside all the way through the house and right back outside. I'm a dog! I saw a chance to do a perimeter inspection around the neighborhood and earn some brownie points. I had been tied up so he hadn't given me any opportunity. I ran down the streets, beachfront and onto the golf course. Larry ran after me because he's tall and he caught me. Dad said some bad words to me and told me I was fired. Only 3 days and he didn't ask for a survey report from the run?? He left me at home on Thursday and mom said she can't take me to work because they don't allow dogs in the government building. Yea, whatever... Bring me home the paper so i can pee on the want ads.

How All the World's a Stage

Mom and Dad just love to ooohhh and ahhhh over everything I do. They just love me more and more each day. Being a dog has never been easier. Scratch that, I’m not a dog – I’m a shiba. For example, you know how I have been trying to convince my folks that they need to invite me to the table like one of them. I started out by sitting by each person seated at the table and sending telepathic messages to them. When that didn’t work, I went under the table in the hopes that this would gain me priority seating when one got vacated. Try jumping on a chair without bumping your head up, agh…

And now they are eating outside in the sun and their manners are getting worse. They throw the food on the lawn! At least I am getting any. I watched how they ate their corn when they had that barb-be-cute burn-you-too over the weekend. Their manners may get bad but mine sure are not if I am going to improve my station in life. Girlfriends, people, girlfriends. So I put my paws on each end of the corn and I worked my mouth side to side, up and down. And I had about 3 of them too, not one, 3. Yummmm…. Wow, were they ever impressed. They were pointing at me and saying “suave shiba!” Can’t say the same for the steak bones. There wasn’t any meat left on it worth speaking of. Then later that night, I had to run out my bathroom door many times. Thanks a lot Mom’n’Dad. Corn is a laxative and I wasn’t constipated in the first place. And by the way, where's an outhouse or some fricken' trees so I can gain some smidgen of privacy?

I was fortunate that they have been leaving my door open by mistake and not tying me up. Another thing they are so proud of me about. Apparently, I got a Dad who’s not too careful. He gets on the phone and he walks in and out not checking the doors while he is talking. So I can come and go as I please. With all the food they have been giving me, I have not been in the mood to go bolting. I amble around the yard and cast my eye out for any hot young females or dumb prey like birds and cats that I can chase. They have to be really appealing for me to go after because I now resemble Marlon Brando according to my fandom. This is somebody really famous who had a lot of money, his own island and beautiful young wives. I must be quite the stud, imagine! Studster Scout. I like the sound of that!

So yea, my parents are sooo proud that they have a shiba who doesn’t go running, eats corn on the cob with his hands and looks like a famous actor with hot girlfriends. They should be counting their lucky stars about now. Still, I shouldn’t have to rap on the window to come in from the dark like I had to the other night when they forgot about me….

How to not Let Karma Bounce Back

Sigh.... I tried to tell Mom not to leave me home again this morning. I got up and yodeled my heart out for her to hurry up so we could be on our way. I wanted to go and party again with all my friends. But ever since that pup hurt my ear she won't take me. I'm so blue I don't know what to do?

Here's how the story goes: My Momma dropped me off at the funhouse last week with all the dogs. I played and played all day. I was being very good and remembering to "let sleeping dogs lie". When I saw the lady come into the room, I ran up to her to tell her what a blast I was having when another dog pushed me out of the way. He got mean and jumped up high and bit me on the ear. My ear hurt and was bleeding for a while. The lady tried to help but when it hurts, it hurts... owwww! I made her leave me alone and went to talk to all the other dogs about plotting revenge. She called Mom and when Mom came to pick me up later, she looked at me and went "Poor Scout!" Yep, Mom "Awww Me!"

I had the idea she would take me home and let me eat all the food in the refrigerator, roll all over the grass, get a 100 belly rubs and when it was bedtime, be granted the whole bed. No, do you know what she did? She showed Dad my hurt ear and then took me to a very bad place. Yes.... the one with men in white coats. The one with rooms where you wait a very, very long time.. I think it's for days and there are very old books to smell and eat. When they finally come in, they smile and trick you with lots of platitudes & doggy biscuits. Watch out because next, real quick-like they put this contraption over your mouth called muzzle your mug. This is so you can't argue with them when they (including Mom, what's up with that?) take this giant needle and jam it in you zzzzzzzz.....

Then I wake up and Mom is taking me home. I look like a clown with purple thread sticking out of my ear. She's jamming peanut butter down my throat morning and night. It's been 10 days now and I never want to see peanut butter again. Ughhhh... I want to play and flirt! Won't anybody come over? I think I can figure out how to open the back door so y'all can come in, it slides. We'll build a doggy pyramid to the box on top of the bubble machine. All my treats are up there. It'll be fun. They work all day so nobody will find out. I live by where the cars get washed and the church bell rings. If you can make it free, get here quickly before I pass away from boredom....Sigh.

How to be Feted Royally

Arrrooooo Everyone!

Wow! This place is really different. Mom woke me up early today and told me I was going to get 'valued for the day instead of staying at home with Mr. Sunshine smiling on me. I was really surprised after she put her coat on and waved the black noose in front of my nose. Why would she be waving that at me when she and Daddy always leave me home on their slave days. Everybody knows they have to go conjure up piles of moola for my food and fun with human days. I don't go to work, they do. What was up?

Well, being cat-like, curiousity won out so I consented to let her put it around my neck. And off we went on the adventure. She didn't go in the direction of McDonald's. Nope, not to the ice cream place either. I saw the park whiz by too.... What's up Mom? If she was taking me to the doctor or the groomer, I was gonna be very mad and think about revenge on some more shoes or worse, Prada purses. (shudder....)

We pulled up to a house and I hopped out at the sight of DOGS in the window waving. Now this was good. Any dogs that I can go boss around, mess with their inferiority complexes, woo girlfriends to lift up their sweet tails for me and snacks to be stolen. Man, Mom you are so thoughtful. Boy, this just made my year! Is it my birthday and someone forgot to tell me? Or Lassie the King day? I better remember to mark on the calender with my paw when I get home....

Ohhhhh.... I heard Nancy the nice lady tell Mom on the phone that I'm roaming free and playing nice. Mom just yelled "I don't believe that is Scout you are talking about!!" I guess she thought they would keep me locked up in the room with just one dog like they did this morning cuz they thought I was dog 'gressive. Ha! Have you ever seen me lift a paw to do any work, jump rope for exercise or anything remotely involving the exertion of energy ? Nope, the world revolves around Scout. People jump when I say so. So I'll bark at you later people and let you know if Mom enrolls me in this new country club she found for me.

How to be the Big Man on Campus

Last night, it seems I was given a new job in addition to my other duties. I became the default man of the house and that is very important. I do not know where Dad has gone but i do know that I have to protect Mom from all the bad things outside that could come in and hurt her and me. At night, these evil things include the walking or running 2-legged beasts, other dogs, the bird baths that catch birds (how do I know they won't catch me and drown me too), the bushes (they dance when the wind is moaning) and the trees that are always shaking their arms at us.

There is another thing out back that is bad. When Dad is home it catches on fire and burns whatever he puts on it. I have seen the flames jump out of it and I am afraid one day he'll put me on it if he's mad at me. He calls it the Barb-Be-Cute, Burn-U-Too. That black thing was not covered and it was outside my bathroom door staring at me. I was afraid to go out because it might jump on me and turn me black with only the white of my eyes showing. Then Mom would not know it was me Scout and she wouldn't let me back in the house so I would have to wander the rest of my days starving on the mean streets of Detroit. sob... That is if animal control doesn't capture me with a net first and maybe Animal Cops would be filming. Hmmm, now that might not be a bad idea. But I wouldn't be a cute shiba, charred black and all. Would they nurse me back to red fur & health and send me to Miami? Pay me royalties in Greenies? what to do, what to do.

So I barked and barked at everything last night. I had to make sure that nothing moved closer to the house and attacked mom and me. Mom tried to push me outside so that I would do my job and kill all the bad things. But I am too little and there were too many things to war against. One soldier against the enemy, Mom??? When she closed the door on me, I howled and banged on the door so she would open it and let me back in. I don't know what happened but she gave me a spoonful of peanut butter which made me very tired and I laid down on our bed. I tried very hard not to fall asleep because who would watch us but my eyes kept falling close. Mom can't hear too so this was an awful dilemma. I was very relieved when I woke up in the morning to Mr. Sunshine and she & I were both okay.

And now, boy is my voicebox sore today. How will I be able to yodel welcome home to Mom today? She has to hear me before she can open the door and come in the house. Otherwise she doesn't know I've given the all clear signal, no robbers hiding inside, all my rowdy dog friends have gone home, the fridge is full, the beds are made, perimeters inspected and I'm ready to give my welcome home kisses. I am sure Mom knows to come in. I love her.... I can't wait 'til Dad comes home, being the man of the house is hard work.