~ Zaidie's Howse ob Haggis and Scotch ~

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~ Zaidie - 1 Mailman - O ~

July 11th 2012 8:30 pm
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Dese days when I take Momma fur hur walk, I 'llow hur tu chooze which woute we r gonna take fru da nayberhood. It helps hur feel 'portant an' I du nod mind gibben up contwol, as wong as hur duz nod spend tu much time sniffin' at EBERY pole, post, bush, twee, peece ob junk we come acwoss :D

Dis day hur 'cided tu go weft once we wuz off our pwoperty. I sed,"Gud choice, Momma!! Wotza gud sniffin' dis way!" We wuz 'bout half a bwock fwum our howse when all ob a sudden I seed our mailman comin' tuwards us on da same side ob da stweet. I kno' nuffin 'bout dis guy an' I hab neber beened cwose 'nuff tu sniff him an' say hewwo, bud dere r sumfing 'bout him dat I jus' du nod wike.

Him stomps up da steps ob our fwont porch eberyday, fwum Munday tu Fwiday, 'cept if Munday r a howliday. I heer him. I bark my LWD hed off cuz, eben doe hims job r tu dewiber our mail, him can nod be twusted. Whefer it r a stinkin' hot day an' all da winnows r cwosed cuz da A/C r on or whefer it r a beeyooful day wif a wefweshin' bweeze an' da winnows r oben, I KNO' HIM R OUT DERE!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...
Momma always sez,"Zaidie, relax. It's just the mailman. He's not here to see you." Whut da heck?? Da nerbe ob dat guy! Bud I digwess...

Wike I sed, dere him wuz comin' our way. I started waggin' my LWD tail tu distwact him intu finkin' dat I wike him. Den our eyes wocked. I gwared at him an' all ob a sudden him stepded off da sidewalk an' walkded WAY out ontu da steet, all in a despewate attempt tu stay outta my way! Momma sez him wuz jus' cwossin' da stweet, bud I kno' da twoof - him r skeered ob me :D


~ Zaidie, Barf an' da 'Lympik Twials ~ Part 3

July 10th 2012 8:35 pm
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Ok, pupses. Heer r da deel. Momma r on da ceilin' an' hur r pwobawby gonna be dere fur at weast a coupla weeks, 'til all da famiwy junk an' ob-wi-gay-shuns r ober an' dunned wif. Until den, hur 'bility tu focus r goneded.
In da meemtime, we can nod figur out how da stowy shood end, so we r gonna gib yu a choice. Pweeze sewect yur fabouritest scenawio an' den say,"Da End" an' it r gonna be ober, 'kay?? I kno' dis r cheetin', bud if yu consider whu I hab tu werk wif here, I r pwetty shur yu r gonna unnerstan :D

Wecap ob da stowy so far : Barf r nod habby tu be cuberin' da Canadian 'Lympik Dibin' Twials wif me, Zaidie. Him finks him r wastin' hims fine educayshun AN' him duz nod wike tu werk wif me, Zaidie. Da wadies hab jus' awwibed by bus an' dem r fweekin' out cuz ob my LWD cuteness an' junk *blushes*. Now yu can chooze yur endin' :

1) I ged frowed intu da pool WIFOUT my fwoaties an' wifout my pink pwaid board shorts. *gasp* One ob my nozy nayburs calls da powice an' I ged awwested fur bein' nekkid in pubwik. I wefuse tu pay da fine, so I r frowed intu jail where I r forceded tu share a cell wif a skwerl nameded Bwidget. I chase hur 'wound an' 'wound an' 'wound an' 'wound. Den we ged mawwied cuz dere r nuffin else tu du. Now yu say, "Da End."

2) Barf geds frowed intu da pool cuz eberypeepole r tired ob him an' hims stoopid boice. Him duz nod kno' how tu fwim an' no peepole wants tu wescue him. I tell him dat I will sabe him IF him agwees tu ged me a WEEL job on da 6 o'cwock nues an' him can be my 'ssistant. Now yu say,"Da End."

3) Finawwy da men's teem awwibes at my way kewl pool an' dem r MAD cuz sum cwazee nutzo pup, whu r nod a LWD nameded Zaidie, gibbed dem da wong di-wek-shuns tu my way kewl pool. 'Stead dem ended up at da sewage tweetment pwace an' dem all falled in. Dem S-T-I-N-K! I inbite all my fwiends ober tu sniff dem an' da guys all wun off, scweemin' cuz dem r 'fwaid ob pupses. Now yu say,"Da End."

Now it r my turn : Da End :D


~ Zaidie, Barf an' da Owympik Twials ~ Part 2

July 5th 2012 9:03 am
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"BARF!! How yu r duin' my fwiend??"

"I'm not doing well, Zainie. The Olympics are serious business and here we are clowning around with a kiddie pool!! Ted, get me my pills NOW!"

"'Cept I r Zaidie, nod Zainie, Barf. Why yu need pills??"

"Because I'm losing my mind and my credibility."

"Barf, eberyfing r gonna be fine. Yu jus' wie wite here on my Momma's wounge chair an' I r gonna set yu up wif a Bodka Dwip™. Dis r gonna be fun!! Wook! Da af-weetes r geddin' off dere bus wite now! Da twials r gonna start soon!"

*Zaidie westie-struts off to greet the athletes*

"Well, hewwo an' welcome tu my pwace!! We r honured tu hab yu here! I hope my way kewl pool r up tu yur standards!"

*crowd of ladies gathers around*

"Awwww, look at the little white dog!!"..."OMG, he's SO cute!"..."ACK *thud*" "Where's my camera???" "OMG, is he REAL???"..."TOO cute!"

"Wadies, wadies, pweeze. Seddle down. Dere r pwenty ob Z-Pup tu go 'wound! How 'bout if yu take turns holdin' me???"

"Me furst!! *grabs Zaidie and heads towards the pool*

************End ob Part 2**************


~ Zaidie, Barf an' da 'Lympic Twials ~ Part 1

June 29th 2012 9:11 am
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"What are we doing HERE? This is a backyard deck with a kid's wading pool. I was told we'd be covering the diving trials for the Canadian Olympic team! What the &#$#??"

"Bart. We *are* covering the trials."



"You have GOT to be kidding me."

"No, I'm not."

"This doesn't have anything to do with a certain little white dog...uh, what's his name? Zainie?? Is that it???"

"Bart, this is his house and that is his pool. What can I say? It's what the people want!! That LWD brings in the viewers. You know the ratings go through the roof whenever we just mention his name! We have no choice."

"Well, I do! I didn't dedicate 3 weeks of my life to 'Jake's Online School of Journalism' for THIS nonsense!! Get me some real news!!"

*Zaidie westiestruts out onto the deck*

"BARF!! How yu r duin', my fwiend??

*End of Part 1*


~ A Tail ob 2 Kitties ~ Part 2

June 25th 2012 10:30 am
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Nod dis day, bud yes'day, Momma, Dadda an' me, Zaidie, wented tu Gwampa's howse tu continue wif da sortin' ob Gwampa's stuff dat him cood nod take wif him when him wented tu Heaben in March. Up dere, when Gwamma sawed Gwampa fur da furst time in 3 1/2 yeers, hur pwobabwy said,"Allan, where's the new shirt we bought for you just before I died? Why are you still wearing that old thing? Look at that stain there!" BOLBOL :D

Anyway, nuffin tu 'citin' habbened dere yes'day, bud da wast time we wuz dere, it wuz bery akshun-packed. Wet me tell yu 'bout it...

Dadda wuz in Gwampa's howse, messin' 'wound. Momma an' me, Zaidie, wuz out on da fwont wawn, woungin' on a bwankie. Momma WEEELLY needed wewax dat day, so hur habbed hur iPod-pod an' sum magadines an', ob corse, I setted hur up wif a Bodka Dwip™. I wuz tied up tu my wongest tie-out. I fink it r twenny miles wong.

Anyfur, I wuffed bein' out dere, sniffin' an' watchin' an' pwotektin' Momma fwum all kindza bad stuffs. My tie out wuz hookded ontu da fwont door. Dadda sed,"Dis r nod gud." So Momma unhookded it. Den while hur wuz wookin' fur a bedder pwace tu hook it ontu, hur gedded distwacted, dwoppded it an' furgedded 'bout it. Hur camed ober tu da bwankie jus' as I weawized dere wuz a orange an' white KITTY unner da ZOTM™ ('Zaidie On the Town Mobile' fur dose ob yu whu r nu here) Gess whut habbened nexx!!!

Da kitty taked off, wunnin' fur hims wife cuz I gess him hab heered all 'bout me an' how tuff I r. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR :O I counted tu elenbenty-seben tu gib him a hedstart an' den I wuz off wike a shot, WUNNIN' WIKE DA WIND, chasin' dis interwoper whu wuz hidin' unner MY car! All ob a sudden, I feeled bery firsty, so I yellded,"Hey! Yu kitty! I r bery firsty. Wanna stop an' ged a dwink sumpwace??"

Da kitty yellded back,"Sure. I could do with a snack, too. How does that place over there look?"

"It wooks gud tu me. I r so firsty, I du nod eben care how many Michewin stars a pwace habs."

So intu dis 'dorable lil' cafe we wented. I habbed a pink wemonade wif a dubble shot ob Gwey Goose Bodkas. Da kitty habbed Wong Iswand Iced Tee an' we shared a wuffwy wemon sorbet which weelly hitted da spot. Den, as we argued ober whu wuz gonna pay da bill, I secwetwy swipped my munnee card outta my secwet pocket an' handed it tu Jean-Michel, da serber. Boila! Paided :D
Owtside da cafe a cwowd hab gafered, so I askded one ob da peeples tu say,"Weady, Set, Go!!" So him did an' off we wented, WUNNIN' WIKE DA WIND 'gain. Den da..."

"HunBun? Cood yu finish your story later? It's time for your bath."

"MOMMA! It r nod a stowy. It r weel. I chaseded da darn kitty all ober da pwace!"

"Zaidie, you chased him into his garage. Plus you had a fifteen foot tie-out dragging behind you. You weren't going far. Hey. Let's get the bath over with right now and then you can do whatever you want, within reason, before your Dadda gets home. Okay?"

"Shur, Momma. As wong as I du nod ged wet." :D


~ Wate. WHUT??? ~

June 21st 2012 9:17 am
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"Zaidie, it's time to get up. It's almost noon, HunBun!"

"Aww, Momma. I r weawwy tired. I wuz up so wate wast nite, chasin' kitties wif da guyses, eatin' kitty poop an'...Ooops , I meen, it wuz Schnauzer's Wule 'Study Gwoop' Nite. Yu kno' I neber miss dat, bud dis week it wuz at Zoe's pwace in Idunno an' I gedded a fwat tire on da way home an' an'..."

"What were you pups studying?"

"Um, well, yu kno', all kindza 'portant junk! Weawwy. We wuz."

"Well, that's funny because Zoe's Mommy told me Zoe was grounded for swimming naked and not wearing her water wings over at her friend's house yesterday."

"OMD! Zoe did DAT?? :D"

"Never mind what Zoe did. Just get up, please. It's roadtrip day and your Dad will be home any minute now. Oh, and you're a Daily Diary Pick over on Dogster today."

"Wate. WHUT?? I r a DDP an' yu jus' telled me 'bout it now, minits afore we r weabin' fur da hole day?? Gud gwief, Momma. Ged wif da pwogwamme, 'kay?"

"Well, you'll have your BlackBerry in your secret pocket, so what's the problem? You'll be in contact with everyone."

"Momma. My BwackBerry r in da wepair shop. Wemember wast week, when my secwet pocket automatik water bowl mal-funk-shuned an' da pwace gotted fwooded out??"

"How could I forget? There was water all over the house!"

"I know! Fank gudness fur 24 hour 'mergency pwumbers...whu r NOD Dadda :D BOLBOLBOL Wemember da wast time him twied tu fix a pwumbin' pwobwem?? BOLBOL!! ROFBMBOROFBMBO :D :D :D :D


Fank yu so bery much fur da DDP honur dis day, HQ. I 'ppweciate it, bud cood yu pweeze fix all da fweas an' junk dat r 'ttackin' dis Dogster pwace? It r makin' us cwazee an' nutzo. Du we need a wepeet ob da scene we cweated wast yeer, owtside HQ, when we all gafered tu pwotest da wack ob MEATZ™ in da Giff Shop??? :D I did NOD fink so!

I kno' yu can fix it. I hab ebery conbidence in yu, HQ ♥ ❀ ☀ ♫ ★ ☮™


~ Attenshun, Pupses. Dis r NOD a Dwill. I Weepeet - Dis r NOD a Dwill ~

June 20th 2012 8:07 am
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I kno', I kno'...Yu r watin' fur part 2 ob 'A Tail ob 2 Kitties!! I will ged tu dat soon, so keep yur pantses on, my fwiends :D

In da meemtime, hed ober tu da Dogster Giff Shop an' chek out ALL da yummy summer wosettes an' tastee speshul giffs, incwudin'...*dwum woll* B-U-R-G-E-R-S :D I wunner if dem r cheezburgers. Hmmm...

Ged eatin', pupses! It r gonna be a w-o-n-g, hot an' bery fun summer! An' gess whut! Summer 'ficiawwy starts dis day at 7:09pm EDT! Bweak out yur fwimmin' twunks an' 'akinis an' PAWTY ON :D

******************************************************** *****************

*ring ring ring* "B+F, the Party Boyz. Please leave a brief message after the tone. We'll get back to you. Ciao."

"Hewwo, Bwake an' Fewix? Dis r Zaidie speekin'. Wemembur me? I r finkin' 'bout habbin' anuber pawty dis summer, bud it needs be eben MORE spektacuwar dan wast yeer's bash. Fink we can du dat?? Pweeze ged back tu me at yur earwiest conbenience, 'kay? Fanks, guyses!!"


~ A Tail ob 2 Kitties ~ Part 1

June 17th 2012 8:13 pm
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Da weekend started earwy cuz Dadda did nod go tu werk on Fwiday, so it wuz wike one ob dose wong weekends dat make da peeples habby...'cept Momma, bud dat r a hole nuber chaptur :D

Anywayz, on Fwiday mornin', we (yup, eben Momma) wented fur a walk. It wuz startin' tu ged H-O-T an' we furgedded tu take my water, bud I surbibed. We walkded down our stweet a coupla bwockses tu da nu skool which r bein' builded. It r nod gonna oben 'til Stepmember, bud it r geddin' cwose tu bein' dunned an' it r way kewl on da owtside.

Dadda wants tu take a tour ob it when it obens an' Momma sed,"Yes, as long as you promise not to spend the entire time saying to anyone who'll listen,'Well, when *I* was in school...blah blah...'" BOL :D
We kno' da dwill, Dadda : yu habbed tu walk 10 miles, uphill, dere an' back, in fwee feet ob snows, wif no boots...bud I digwess. BOL!

On da walk, we passed da 'Healfy Pet' Fudz store. It r twoo - dem sell weel gud tweetses an' stuff an' ALL KINDZA TOYS! O.M.D. Well, onwy Momma wuz wookin' at da toys. I wuz takin' stock ob all da 'licious tweets in da bins. I cood smell dem, bud I cood nod see dem. I wuz goin' cwazee an' nutzo sniffin' an' stuff :D

Yu will neber gess whut Momma founded in dat store, bud twy, anywayz! Whut yu fink hur founded?...A whut?? NO!! An' eben if hur did find a weelly cute polka dot akini, I r NOD gonna wear it! Seddle down, pupses. Oy bey...

Hur founded a bwoo Kitty Cuz, wif all 4 wegs!! I passed out *thud* cuz in all my yeers ob bein' me, Zaidie, I hab neber seened anuber Kitty Cuz anypwace! Dere him wuz, jus' watin' tu be wuffed by me ♥ My gween Kitty Cuz r down tu one weg an' him habs a weally tuff time geddin' way fwum me :D

Dadda sed,"I guess we're buying Kitty Cuz" an' I sed,"Yu kno' it, dood!! Kitty Cuz, meet yur nu famiwy!" Den Dadda sed,"Ooops, my wallet's at home. We'll come back later for Kitty Cuz."

Da store wady sed,"Yeah, right. You'll come back. HA! How many times do you think I've heard that? You won't be back. Therefore, no treat for your mangey little mutt. Now GET OUT, before I call the cops! GO!"

"Zaidie, she did NOT say that. Come on. The truth, please."

"Hur wuz finkin' it, Momma. I heered hur. Weelly."

"Zaidie Levi Gee. The truth NOW."

*sigh* "'kay, Momma. Oy bey."

A while later, on da way tu Gwampa's howse fur chekin' on fings, we wented back tu da store. Momma wunned in an' buyed my nu bwoo Kitty Cuz wif four wegs. Our famiwy r compwete ♥

~End of Part 1~


~ Oy Bey. Da stuffs I put up with in my LWD Life ~

June 15th 2012 10:08 pm
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Pupses, I kno' whut yu r finkin' :"Whu r dis cwown named Zaidie? Him habs a diawy? OMD - whu knowed? Him neber wites in it. I fink him shood be kickded off dis Dogster-fing, hab hims honurwawy memmership in Schnauzers Wule weboked an' him shood neber be 'llowed back tu dis Dogster pwace cuz him r bad nues AN' him r a bad infwuence on all da yung pupses whu wook tu us gwowned-up pupses fur guidance an' junk. See yu 'wound, LWD, bud nod 'wound dis Dogster-pwace :D BOL!"

So...wuz I cwose? Dat r whut yu r finkin'? :D

Da wast coupla weeks hab beened kinda cwazee AN' nutzo here. Momma habbed a bad wee-ak-shun tu a nu dwug dat wuz 'spposed tu helb keep hur OFF da ceiwin' an' cleer sum ob da fog outta hur hed. It did NOD werk. OY BEY.
Wemember how I r always settin' up bodka dwips™ fur hur when hur r on da ceiwin'? Wif da nu dwug in hur system, hur wuz up dere ALL DA TIME an' bodka dwips, eben da 'All-nu fur Summer 2012' quadwuple stwenf bodka dwip (da stwongest one E-B-E-R), did nuffin. We r hopin' dis junk r gonna be compwetewy outta hur system soon. I want my Momma back *sob*.

Needwess tu say, my time on Dogster hab beened bery wimited wecently an' dere r all kindza 'citin' an' fascinatin' fings I hab nod habbed da chance tu wite 'bout here at 'Da Howse ob Haggis an' Scotch™', such as :
1) My pwize package r here!! Wemembur Coco Wose's contest 'bout gessing da cowwect nummer ob stuffies in da Coco Wose/Puffy toy storage warehowse?? An' I winned? Well, it camed in da mail da uber day or decade or sumfing! Hab I beened 'llowed tu oben it yet?? NO. Bud Momma sez we can oben it nexx day AN' hur r gonna take pichurs!! So stay tuneded fur dat, 'kay, pupses?

2) I chaseded a kitty!! Yes, a WEEL kitty. Yu KNO' yu wanna heer 'bout dat, wite?? :D

Anyfur, I r 'cited tu be back here, witin' in my diawy on Dogster, da gwatest pwace on Earf fur pupses AN' dere peeples ♥ ❀ ☀™


I kno', I kno'...

June 2nd 2012 9:52 am
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It hab beened yeers since I wast wited in my diawy an' fur dat, I 'powogize. I hope tu ged 'back in da saddle' 'gain bery soon. In da meemtime, I oberheerd dis conbersayshun 'tween Momma an' Dadda a while 'go. I hope yu find it as 'musin' as I did. I pwacticawwy coffed up a wung, I wuz waffin' so hard :D

Momma tu Dadda (whu cwaims hims heerin' r PERFEK) : "Who's jackhammering out there today?"

Dadda tu Momma : "What jackhammering?"


By da way : Heerin' woss r NOD a joke! Dat r nod whut r da funny part.

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