June 26th 2007 5:14 pm
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... and whenever I think about this it just makes my heart ache. I wish I had one more opportunity to do this.
I loved giving Max hugs. He had just a lovely, round, barrel chest that was perfect to wrap your arms around. I'd kneel on the floor and just squeeze him real tight, pet his soft head. He'd smile and then turn so I could scratch his butt.
When I get to thinking about him, this is the first thing I try to remember. The satisfying feeling of hugging my big ol' Maxie boy. It's not quite the same as the real thing, but it's nice to remember.
Today is, of course, the one month anniversary of that fateful, awful day. It was the worst feeling of hopelessness that I've ever experienced. I would like to soon forget it, but I still occasionally cry myself to sleep when I can't stop playing the events of that day over and over and over again in my head.
I still haven't walked back to where he is buried. Jasmine avoided the area for about a week, too. I've also tried to get her to eat out of Max's old dish since it's a raised feeder. She was very reluctant at first. She would refuse, as if she knew it was still Max's and she knows the rules about eating out of another dog's bowl.
I hate to think of the "last time" he ever did anything. But Max's full "last day" was a very good one. We had a BBQ. That was one of Max's favorite things in the world. We invited over a friend that has a host of health problems in order to cheer him up a little bit. He's a dog lover. Max loyally hung out with him and was his usual well-behaved self. He couldn't have asked for a more fun time.
I miss him so, so, so much. There will be plenty of other dogs in my life. I live and breathe dogs. I will never "replace" a dog, for they are all unique. I also will never forget a dog. Especially not my bestest boy.
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