What a Lassie!

She Who Must Be Obeyed is quite an intrrrrepid lass! Ah was most imprrressed last nicht! Ach, 'twas a verrra nice evenin'. Alas, we dinna get ourrr walk. But She Who Must let us oot to rrrrun arroond an' poop. Poor auld Butterrrfly canna mak it oop th' stairs by herrrsel' so She Who Must allus carries herr oop an' plops herrr doon on th' rrretainin' wall t' do herrr business. As she was ascendin', she felt somethin' flop against herrrr ankle an' thought herrr Croc strap had popped off herrr shoe...one o' them ugly Croc shoes what feels so nice but dinna look so good. Anaways, she plopped Butterrrrfly doon an' heard another flop on th' steps. So when she brrrrought th' auld lass doon again, SWM fetched a flashlight an' went lookin'! How many women d'y' know who'd go lookin' ferrr trrrrouble? Well, might be a moot point. But as Ah was sayin', lo and behold, therrre it be! A fat brrrrown n' white snake! Did she scrrream? Ach....nay! She grabbed the pooper scooperrrr....one o' them kind w' a squeeze handle an' jaws on th' end! Ah think that auld snake was wise t' th' plan an' before she could grrab 'im w' those poopy jaws, that snake beat a rrrretrrreat right into th' rock wall...coiled oop in a crrranny. Whew...close call ferrr the fella! Then we all got herrrrded in to bed! Dinna seem t' phase herrr. She ain't afrrraid o' no snake! 'Course if she had jest o' left it all t' mysel', Ah'd have chased that serpent awa' an' Ah dinna need a pooper scooperrr t' do it, neither! Ah'm verrrra good at chasin' undesirables!

What a lassie!

She Who Must surprrrises me frrrrom time to time! Ah knows she is quite a lassie an' it maks me prrroud t' be herrr Mon O' Th' Hoose. But just when Ah thinks she's runnin' oot of steam, she hauls off an' rattles mah cage! Got oot in th' yarrrd last weekend an' took a chainsaw an' buzzed doon 3 trees! Chopped off th' limbs an' chopped th' trrrrunks inta firewood an' then piled all th' debris in th' truck an' hauled it off! Shades of Paul Bunyan! If Ah wasn't in love before, Ah am noo! If she dinna have such big feats, she might be the pearrrrfect woman!

Only in the South!

C'rrrect me if Ah'm wrrrong...but Ah dinna think Ah've e'errr seen a pickup trrrruck in competition at th' Atlanta Motorrr Speedway. Well, bust mah buttons an' call me bubba...th' otherrr dee when Ah saw a pickup w' a spoiler on th' tailgate, Ah dinna ken wha' t' think! Ah mean, wha's it ferr? Maks aboot as much sense t' me as a teat on a bull!

Redneck Chic

Mah hearrrt is in th' heelands...a Scot is a Scot, fer a' that! But Ah do enjoy th' curisoities o' livin' in th' South. At least She Who Must has perched us on th' side o' Lookout Mountain. So Ah guess it's th' Southern heelands ferrr me! When it comes t' decoratin', Ah favorrrrs th' "Shabby Chic" look. A mon kin find lots o' that all over th' place doon herrrre. But Ah draws th' line at "Trailer Trash Chic!" She Who Must was drrrivin' m'self hoome frrrom PlayDog th' other dee an' Ah couldna beleive m' eyen! Ah knows whiskey barrels arre popular ferrr puttin' plants in. They sniff oot kinda nicely too. But therrre in frrront o' this duplex rrisin' oop t' th' rrroof stood a grreat big banana trrrree planted in a shiny metal trrrrash can!!! Rrright oot in th' frrront yarrrd! Wierrrrd lookin'! She Who Must said it be "Trailer Trash Chic" 'cuz it be a brrrand new trrrrash can. Ah'm no' thinkin' it was a verrra good choice. What next...an old tirrrre turrrned inside oot, zigzag trrrimmed an' sprrroutin' coconuts? Just th' thing ferrr yerr averrrage shack w' a satellite dish next t' th' oothoose!

Mah New Title!

At th' rrrrequest o' mah rrreadin' public, Ah'm sharrrin' mah thoughts on th' latest developments on th' mountain. Now that Ah'm Mon o' th' Hoose, Ah've got a new title! An' it's a grrrand 'un! Ah've been prrrretty busy taking overrr Bones' duties...standin' guarrrd while She Who Must Be Obeyed takes herrr bath an' also accompanyin' herrr when she's on th' throne! Not surrre why that makes herrr laugh so because Ah'm trrryin' t' look as dignified as possible when Ah wedges mah backside between herrr big feet! Ah'm verrra good at lookin' dignified, tha knows. An' if Ah canna see herrr, I canna prrrotect herrr. Bones taught me that. Ah must neverrr let mah guarrrrd doon! An' th' last twa weeks, therre's been this plumber fella at th' hoose diggin' in th' basement...up t' no good, Ah jest knows it. She Who Must gave m'self a harrrd time...rrrunned me off when Ah went doon t' check this fella oot! Oh, th' ingrrratitude o' it! But Ah "hung tough" as Bones woulda said, an' let 'im know Ah was watchin' him. An' that's when Ah got mah new title. She Who Must patted me on th' bum and called me Knucklehead...is that no' grrrand?!

I'll Be Jiggered!

Weel, butterrr mah butt an' call me a biscuit...mah deearrry made it on Today's Picks on Deeary Centrral! Ah gave up wrritin' ferr a while 'cause it seemed lak no one wuz readin' an' Ah guess Ah rrran oot o' things t' say. 'Magine, masel' w' naught t' say! But Ah'm barrkin' prrroud this nicht! We got a new wild mon stayin' w' us...name is Midnight but She Who Must calls 'im Monkey half th' time. He sure tries to hog alla herrr attention but last nicht, Ah worked mah way under them big feets o' hers and showed the young'un how a rrreal mon gets attention! He hasna any finesse...lunging in herr face lak a moon shot! Ye worrrls ye way around subtle lak so she doesna rrrealize she's rrrubin' yerr back an' the next thing tha knows, she's laughin' and scrratchin' yerrr butt...which is what a mon rrreally wants afterr all. A good butt scrratchin'...ahhh. If Ah smoked, Ah'd want a good cigarrr afterwards! Ye just gotta mak herrr think it's herrr idea! Ain't it that way w' all females, fellas?!

Goodbye, Old Mon!

Ach...mah hearrrt is verrra heavy right noo. Mah brrrotherrr Bones passed awa' a week ago an' ah havena had the hearrrrt t' write aboot it yet. She Who Must says the hoose feels biggerrr w'oot him. He was a verrra larrrge presence. Ach, weel, he were a braw laddie, tha knows. An' he surely loved She Who Must Be Obeyed. When he gazed upon herrr, his eyes were allus full o' love. He were a gentle soul but have merrrcy...if some "nogoodnik", as he called 'em, came aroond, why he'd turrrn inta th' Hooond o' th' Baskerrrvilles! T'was no' a prrretty sicht! Weel, ah guess th' UPS mon will no be sorrry. But we miss 'im. So herrre's t' Bones, ferr Auld Lang Syne.

Dirrrrrty Dog!

Oooooooweeeeee...ah'm a dirrrty dog! 'Spect ah'll be gettin' a bath t'dee! Faith, ah need it! She Who Must sez ah canna go back t' PlayDog if ah dooon't get cleaned up! But it's sooooo much fun t' rrrrroll in th' dirrrt underrrr th' magnolia trrreee! Ach...feels niiiiice an' cool! An' it's been hotterrrrr than Hades around herrre lately! Whew! Enough t' mek a mon wish he dinna have sech a fine coat o' hairrrr! Ah've dun th' bald thing...not goin' therrre agin! She Who Must will starrt puttin' smelly oils on me agin. Imagine...lavender on a big braw beastie lak m'sel'! Ah'm no girlie-mon!

Fare thee weell!

Mah frrrriends, mah hearrrt is verrrrra heavy. She Who Must is sooo sad an' she trrries t' hide it but ah knows. Ah see tearrrs on herrr face when she think's ah'm no' lookin'. 'Tis mah wee pal JoJo...he couldna mak it an' had t' go t' th' Rrrainbow Brrridge a week ago today. Ah was w' 'im at th' end. All of us werrre. 'Course Jingles starrrted playin' wi' his toy when th' doctor came in but ye gotta considerrr th' sourrrce! Ah quieted 'im doon an' then we all got serrrious. T'was Olde Lang Syne ferrr JoJo. Till we meet again, laddie. May ye frrrolic in th' heather all th' lang dee! Walks at night just aren't the same wt'oot JoJo taggin' along scrunched in his tote bag on She Who Must's shoulder! Ferr all his yappin', he was a fine fella. Goo on hoome, laddie!

Bestoink Dooley ferrr Prrresident?

Weeel...Ah'm askin' all mah constituents if Ah should throw mah tam in th' rrring. So what say all o' ye? Ah may be a Scotsman at hearrt, but Ah'm an Amerrrrican borrn bairn so Ah do qualify unless therrre's sumethin' in th' constitution that says a mon can only have twa legs! Bestoink Dooley ferrr President...has a nice rrring to it! Ah'm forrrrmin' mah own party...callin' it the BS party...that's short ferrr Butt Sniffer party! Seems t' me it's already the parrrty most o' them chuckleheads up therrre already belong to! Only they arrrent' sniffing butts...they'rrre kissin' 'em! Not me...Ah'm a mon's mon...Ah only sniff to find oot if someone's head's been up that butt! A mon's gotta watch oot ferrrr them guys! Mebbe Barrrney will join up wi' me an' be mah runnin' mate? He's got sum government experience afterrrr all...running the pant legs off them Secret Service chaps. Bet he knows where all the best bones are buried on the White Hoose lawn too! I wonder if he's already marked up the White Hoose...hmmmm...will have t' do sumthin' aboot that! Join th' BS party an' help us put th' bite on butt kissin' in Congress!