Editorial Comment

Mom sat me down last night, which was very difficult for me, and had a little Mother-Doggy chat with me about my diary entries. She told me that very few folks are truly interested in reading about the details of where I defecated or urinated. I beg to differ with her opinions, seeing as she does not live so close to the ground or have the highly developed sense of smell that we canines do. She explained that she just thought it might be more proper to keep my bowel and bladder malfunction accounts to more of a minimum. I still disagree with her delicate human viewpoint on this issue - get it? Issue? Like, what issues from me? Hehehe. Maybe I can use code words so Mom doesn't get on my case about the indelicacies of elimination. How about Tootsie Rolls and tea? How about links and lemonade? Sausages and Sprite?

It's not like the pawrents don't talk about such things. I hear them bemoaning their hemorrhoids, constipation and gradual loss of bladder control while laughing. Then there's the folks like Oma and Opa. They really go at it on bowel and bladder issues. Apparently these things become even more bothersome as we age.

So, now that Mom has had this little chat with me, I will at least try to talk about my bodily functions less often. How did I do with this entry, Mom?

Lesson No. 38

Mom was knitting a handbag today and she finished it. It was beautiful - soft and pretty, kinda like a stuffed animal. So . . . I treated it like I do stuffed animals. I jumped up and grabbed it outta her hands and wouldn't open my jaws to let her have it back! Hmmmm, is this what mutton tastes like?

Mom smacked me on the behinder, then dropped to her knees over my back and forced my jaws open so that the bag could drop to the floor. She apologized a minute later for the spank, but I know I deserved that one.

Lesson No. 38: Never, ever steal Mom's handknit creations and chew on them. Especially never right out of Mom's hands. At the very least, wait until she's not home.

Big Bird(s)

You'll never guess what fun we had today! Oh, did you read Lexie's entry already? Well, if you didn't - I'll fill you in. Oma and Opa came over and took Mom, Lexie and I on a walk through the huge cemetery up the street. The sun was out and I got to walk on a single lead because Opa could hold my leash for Mom. Then we saw this ginormous crowd of huge birds, lying around among the graves. They were sorta black on top, with white on their long necks and lots of gray. Like ducks, only bigger and meaner looking. Mom let me see them, then took my leash off! I started out running at them, but when they yelled at me, I sort of backed off. Then Lexie came out of nowhere and ran right into the middle of them and made them jump! They hopped up and into the air with a load of loud honking like you've never heard! Wow! Lexie is so brave. I ran after her and got to scare up a few of the leftovers. Those birds, Lexie called them geese, were not happy with us. They said some extremely rude things about me and my mother as they flew off, cursing. Why, they don't even know my mother. How could they say that? I don't even remember my own mother, but I'm sure she doesn't wear military garb. Anyway, they were mad, but it didn't matter because we didn't hurt them and it was so much fun. I even came right back to Mom, after running around in big loopy circles for a minute or two, enjoying my freedom. Lexie and I got leashed again and then walked to the pond and scared up some more geese. Then we discovered these tasty tootsie rolls in the grass. They look just like the training treats we are supposed to use with Mom. She loves Tootsie rolls. Mom wasn't getting down and scooping any up, though. In fact, she got a bit perturbed at us for trying to eat them. She said they were goose poops! Sounds like a sugar-fortified cereal for children. Isn't it amazing sometimes the words I know and the words I don't know? Mom says I am an enigma.
Anyway, we weren't allowed to eat any more poops. Mom reminded me of when I ate all those rabbit raisins and got an infection in my mouth. I reminded her of all the medicine I had to take WITH FOOD for the next ten days. She reminded me that I am already taking medication WITH FOOD for the next few days since my teeth cleaning so forget about the poops, pup! Okay, no more poops, but my they were good.
Lexie puttered out before we got home. She could have made it just fine, but Mom wanted the opportunity for a little snuggle, so she carried Lexie the last few hundred yards to our house. It was altogether a lovely day.

Not My Fault

Mom took the kids to some function last night and came home tired. Dad worked really late and came home tired. When they get tired, they collapse and my evening walk gets neglected. So, technically it was their fault that I did what I did on the kitchen floor. Mom actually thanked me for not doin' it on her brand new living room carpet. It was very easy to clean up on the kitchen linoleum. I do think about these things, you know.

No Shave and Half a Haircut

Mom just gave me half a haircut. If you've ever tried to give an at-home haircut to one of your own, then maybe you understand what I just said. I actually did very well under that humming little razor thingy until Mom got going up my neck and near my head. Then I guess I, well I sorta freaked out. We don't have one of those torture tables with the noose-like thing on it like they do at my regular groomer, so Mom was sort of using her body like a vise clamp to hold me down so I wouldn't injure myself in my psycho state by jumping off the the picnic table. I was fine up until my neck - honest!
Mom got one of my sides almost done and she got part of my other side done, but I'm sorta sportin' a skirt as she didn't get time to go down low enough to make a proper schnauzer line. Lexie got a chuckle out of that, but there was no way I was gonna put up with more of that razor, despite the FOUR peanut butter bear treats I got along the way. I calmed down and was fine when Mom used the hand scissors around my ears and head. She tried to do what she could by hand with the areas she hadn't been allowed to finish, but I don't quite look proper any more. I kinda look like I tried to groom MYSELF . . . using a butter knife. Mmmmm, butter sounds kinda yummy.
I hope none of the ladies in my schnauzer group laugh at me. I'm still the same old lovable boy! I just look like I got caught in a weed whacker, that's all.

Almost Bedtime . . .

which means it's almost time for breakfast! I can hardly wait. The vet said I could have some soft food, just a little, after 8pm tonight. Mom and Dad and kids were having a little roasted chicken and I was lucky enough to get a few very small soft pieces. It was delicious! I wanted more, but instead Mom put her juicy hands down near our heads. I got the right hand and Lexie got the left hand. Yummy licks!
My pal Finnegan has an older sister like I do, one who doesn't really want to be palsy walsy with him or play vigorously with him. Age is part of it, surely, but Lexie is only seven and she doesn't play with me. I think it just might be a girlie attitude thing. Well, Finn just got a brother and playmate named Winston. Winston is turning into a best bud for Finn. He's only three and very active like Finn. I admit I'm kinda jealous. I wish Lexie would play with me, but she is a fart. I wish I had someone to play with every day, but Dad says no more dogs! Sigh.
Is it time for breakfast yet? Don't I need some medicine or something?

Is This What Crest WhiteStrips Do?

I'm home again after my very first teeth cleaning. Everyone was so nice to me at the vet's office again. Lexie did not tell me I would be getting a shot! I was not happy about that. They all had to practically sit on me to get me to cooperate with that measure. Then I got all sleepy and foggy and I felt like I was falling and I gave a yip, but that's the last thing I remember. A few seconds later I woke up feeling very strange. That part wasn't so fun. I had to take it easy at the vet's place for a long while, and then Mom showed up to take me home. I was surprised to see that the sun was so low in the sky and when I got home, Lexie had already eaten dinner! Even worse - I didn't get any!!!
Mom said I can't really eat like usual until tomorrow. I can't wait until tomorrow. I miss my kibble so badly. I haven't eaten ANYTHING at all today and I'm really hungry! One fantastic thing is that I was given more medicine to take for the next few days - one pill twice a day - and here's the kicker . . . WITH FOOD! Love that!
I have sparkly teeth and nice breath right now. Where are all the ladies? Lexie doesn't count.

Something Funny Going On?

When I finished posting, I was gonna go to Lexie's page and read her diary entry, like I sometimes do, but she wouldn't let me. She said she had work to do on the computer, something about a novel she's writing. Geez, I just wanted to read about her take on the day. She often sees things so differently than I do. It's almost weird reading about what goes on between her tiny ears. Women!
Oh, well. No computer time left for me, nothing more to eat for me. Might as well go to bed and dream about my teeth cleaning. . . .

Teeth Cleaning, part eins

Mom reminded me today that I get my teeth cleaned tomorrow - yippee! I can't wait. I hope I get to get my teeth cleaned with food, like I got to take my antibiotic with food before. That was so much fun. Teeth cleaning must be fun like that, too. Mom says is it expensive. I must mean a lot to her for her to treat me to a teeth cleaning like this. Oh, I can't wait.

Mom just told me I can't have any food past six o'clock tonight, and no breakfast tomorrow. That doesn't seem right. It must be worth it, but why no eats? Mom didn't answer that question. Lexie said, "Just you wait and see, little brother . . . " I don't like the sound of that. Hmmmm.

Hyper and Cuckoo

Mom says that I am not only hyperactive, but also hypergraphic, which means I write sort of uncontrollably. I do not agree with her diagnosis. I think I am hypercute, hyperhungry, and hyperlikeable. She said I am those things, too.

There is a really wonderful smell coming from the kitchen right now. Mom says it is a t-bone. I have a pal named t-bone. He just got a new sister . . . you don't think they got his sister to replace him, do you? That would be awful, especially if Dad is gonna eat a t-bone! Isn't there a law against that? Just a minute . . . (tripping lightly over to Mom)

Okay, I'm back and it's all golden. T-bone is a cow, not my pal. Well, part of a dead cow, that is. Mom isn't eating any. Mom and the rest of them are having spaghetti and garlic bread. That smells really good right now, too. I'm glad my pal T-bone is okay and that his little sister Jasmine wasn't part of any takeover conspiracy. That's call a Koo. Mom said. Lexie said I am part of a koo in our household. She also said I was a double koo. I am really doubly good at takeover conspiracy? Can I try some of that dead cow?