No Shave and Half a Haircut

Mom just gave me half a haircut. If you've ever tried to give an at-home haircut to one of your own, then maybe you understand what I just said. I actually did very well under that humming little razor thingy until Mom got going up my neck and near my head. Then I guess I, well I sorta freaked out. We don't have one of those torture tables with the noose-like thing on it like they do at my regular groomer, so Mom was sort of using her body like a vise clamp to hold me down so I wouldn't injure myself in my psycho state by jumping off the the picnic table. I was fine up until my neck - honest!
Mom got one of my sides almost done and she got part of my other side done, but I'm sorta sportin' a skirt as she didn't get time to go down low enough to make a proper schnauzer line. Lexie got a chuckle out of that, but there was no way I was gonna put up with more of that razor, despite the FOUR peanut butter bear treats I got along the way. I calmed down and was fine when Mom used the hand scissors around my ears and head. She tried to do what she could by hand with the areas she hadn't been allowed to finish, but I don't quite look proper any more. I kinda look like I tried to groom MYSELF . . . using a butter knife. Mmmmm, butter sounds kinda yummy.
I hope none of the ladies in my schnauzer group laugh at me. I'm still the same old lovable boy! I just look like I got caught in a weed whacker, that's all.