April 23rd 2008 5:39 am
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Oh my Scooter, I just can’t take it. I am so sad without you. I cry almost everyday. I know it has been 2 months and this is not normal. It’s just that my heart aches so bad and I miss you so much. Just when I have a day that goes by when I don’t cry and I feel that maybe I have finally accepted your fate, I have a dream about you or I come across a toy of yours or a memory. Sometimes Pokey will come into the room quickly and since he has taken on so many of your traits, for one split second he looks just like you and once, only once I really though it was you. For the millisecond, I was back in the past and I though it was really you, and I was happy. But obviously it is not. Pokey physically looks nothing like you, but he used to copycat you all the time. I actually love seeing your moves and traits in him. I still get to enjoy alittle piece of you. Like when Pokey go peepee on the pad you wait and stare at us until we notice and then you run as fast as you can to the kitchen for treats. You learned that from Scoot. Also when you get excited you quickly look for any toy, grab it and go running like a crazy dog. You learned that from Scoot. Or before we go for a walk, you walk over to the food bowl and almost devour the entire thing.
Scoot we are so sorry that you will miss out on so many things. We will be moving into a new house soon with a big fenced in backyard. All I wanted was to play with Scoot, off the leash in a backyard, kicking around the ball. It gave me so much enjoyment to see him play, he loved it so much. We wont be moving for a few month but he will never have that opportunity. It kills me. That is all I wanted. I told my husband that my dream would be to give our dogs a big fenced in backyard and enjoy the freedom of playing off the leash. I will never get over the fact that we could not give that to him. I also had visions of our children being best friends with Scoot. We have 1 one year old and one on the way. As wrote before , the other 3 dogs are different. They don’t bond with humans the way Scoot did. He was truly “mans best friend”. Bits doesn’t cuddle, Kibbles does her own thing, Pokey does like to cuddle now, but doesn’t like non family members. My husband and I used to think our children would fight over who got to sleep with Scoot. As I mentioned in another diary entry, we have these big drinking glass by 3 Dachshund Beers. Each one has a different animal doxies hunt on it like a badger, fox, deer, etc. We used to ay that at dinner time all the kids will get a glass and whoever got the one with the badger on it would be the one who “won” and could sleep with Scoot that night. Obviously, we would make sure everyone got a turn. Just a silly little game we made up, but will never take place.
I keep on reminding myself to make a list of all the things about Scoot and songs I made up (there are a lot of them) so I will never forget them, even in 20 years. I came across one of Scoot’s toys that was put in my daughters toy box upstairs in her bedroom. It looked all matted and looked like he licked it all over. I couldn’t help it but to put it up to my nose to see if I could smell him again. I started crying with sadness. It didn’t smell like Scoot, but I put it up to my face and just wept. We buried him with his lamb Winky and toy pumpkin. Sometimes I get selfish and wish I could hold his pumpkin and Winky because that was a part of him, but then I remind myself that burying him with it was the right thing to do. To comfort him in his final resting place.
Our new home is almost completed. We always planned on putting up a cupola with a beautiful classic copper dachshund weathervane on top of the house. It actually looks very nice. Okay, I know doxies are not everyone cup of tea, but it is actually very beautiful and doesn’t look cheap or anything. Once we put it up, I will take a picture of it and put it on the website. We will know dedicate it to Scoot and we will know that it will be Scoot looking over our home.
When we do the landscaping, we will make a special area for where buried scoot. I always wanted a home with a weeping willow tree. A weeping willow will not fit where we buried Scoot, but maybe some other smaller weeping tree to shade him will be fitting. I also plan to put a small plant called a “bleeding heart”. When I was little, we had them in our backyard and I always liked them and so did my mom. The plant is green with a pink flower that looks like a heart opening from the bottom, with another little petal falling from it, hence “bleeding heart”. It is also fitting because that is how my heart feels. Weeping and breaking. Maybe one day we will plant a big beautiful weeping willow in the way back of the yard, maybe in the corner and we can dedicate it to Scoot. A nice weeping willow to shade you and relax under.
Ooh Scoot, when will I stop this sadness? Please help me feel better. You were always so happy go lucky. Give me some of that.
Lately, for the past month or so I have been having terrible nightmares about Scoot. Since he died I always wake up numerous times in the middle of the night in a panic. I wake up so angry at the vet and what happened. Or so sad and missing him. I dream that I hear him throwing up and I wake up in a panic. When he was sick with the obstruction and during these fifteen days of him being sick, he used to vomit or just “dry heave”. I guess I dream of hearing that sound and bolt out of bed and check the other dogs b/c I think it may be them. But it is not. I dream that he is with me again, but the sick Scoot is with me. He is dying in my arms or throwing up and I am always trying to get help. Whether it is trying to get someone’s attention or for example, last night I “lost my voice” in my dream and was trying to scream for help that he was choking and dying. There are never pleasant dreams about Scoot. People say when you dream of your loved one that has passed on, it is them visiting you. But this is not the case here. Scoot would not be visiting me sick and especially because I always fail at helping him and he dies in my arms. I am tormented by these nightmares and I don’t look forward to going to sleep anymore even when I am exhausted at the end of the day. This makes for sleepy days and afternoons after a night of bad sleep.
If there is such a thing as the Rainbow bridge and if we are really going to be reunited one day, I know exactly how it is going to go. Sometimes when I didn’t see you in view, I would sit on the floor and just whisper your name. You would hear and I would see your head pop out of the couch and you would run full force and smash so hard into my chest. Then you would lick my face with just the tip of your tongue, especially on my nose. That is how we will meet again. You will run full force…smash, right into me. Sometimes I would think that you would hurt yourself you ran so fast into me.
Scoot, I miss:
You long long floppy ears, your big black nose that turned up at the end ( I never so a dog nose like that), how you pushed around the ball with your nose, how your protected and cuddled with you toys without biting them, how you knew where the cookie drawer was, your soldier strut, your little “plum butt”- your butt actually looked like a butt, like a plum, we used to laugh about it a lot, how you used to beat up a toy and thrash your head back and forth when you saw someone outside, your loyalty to me and ability to always be my companion,, when another one of our dogs were “scolded” and we put them on the other side of the gate, you would never leave their side. You would wait there, on the other side of the gate and cry for them. You were so sad that Bits was punished and even if we were in another room, you wouldn’t leave there side until we let them out of the gate. You were such a good friend. I miss how you would clean out everyone’s ears and fur. You took care of everyone in the family. From what you experienced in the first 7 months of your life, it was amazing how sweet and friendly you were. I was so proud to introduce you to people b/c you were gentle and loved everyone. I miss that you would steal our rolled up socks from our drawer and leave them all around the house. You would flip it up in the air with your nose and create a little game for yourself. I love that as soon as I would crack the egg or the table or cut a slice of apple, you were fist in the kitchen jumping up and down begging for a treat. Who could say no to you. I love that we could put costumes on you or hats and you would not care at all, you were so easy going. I loved that you would look out of the corner of your eye and your eye would be almost all white, we used to laugh. I love how you would stretch out your black licorice lips when I would scratch the back of your neck.
Scoot, I miss you so much , I would trade millions of dollars for you. I would trade anything I own to have you back again. I am soooo sorry that your life was stolen from you. I am so sorry that the vet did not take proper care of you. WE DIDN’T KNOW!!!!!!!!!! We thought we could trust him, we didn’t know until it was too late. How could we of….we didn’t know. We thought he was good but only to realize when it was too late that he did a terrible job doing surgery on you and what he was giving you was saline and not TPN (nutrition). We will never forgive ourselves for trusting that man. WE live with the mistake everyday. WE wish we would have had you gone to the hospital in Plainview from the get-go, but we thought that may have been worse for you b/c of what happened at that Westbury hospital. They almost killed you!! But you survived…thank god. !!!! We had an extra year with you. I remember when you were at that hospital in march of 07. You made so many fiends there and everyone loved you. I remember visiting you there, in a special room, lying on the floor with you just cuddling. But as soon as someone would pass the room, you would jump up to see who it was and get excited. Oh god, I feel like that was yesterday. I will forever live with the guilt that we took you to that vet and he basically killed you. At that time, we thought that was the best thing to do for you. As we know there is medical malpractice and negligence going on with humans and hospitals everyday….now I know that is the same with animals and vets.
Please forgive me Scoot. I am hurting for you so bad and feel so bad for your suffering, I will never have my mind or heart at peace.
March 7th 2008 8:24 am
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About a week ago I received a card from the vet and their staff. A "sorry for your loss" sympathy card. Excuse my language, but I lost my ****. ! I'm sorry but, a "sorry for your loss" card. You have to be kidding me!!! They weren't so concerned for the 2 weeks Scoot was at their facility, the countless times we called or beeped them in the middle of the night, or the numerous times we brought him back to say that something was not quite right with Scoot. And we were repeatedly told ," he's fine, He's fine".
I dont know how they knew he died. Maybe the vet called the hospital, I dont know. Maybe it was apparent from the last time my husband spoke with the vet letting him know that Scoot was in his third surgey and the anastamosis just fell apart. It was apparent that there was a huge complication due to his first 2 surgeries. But you know what, this is pretty crappy as far as I am concerned. Not like we would of wanted to hear from them, but maybe a phone call to say, "what happened?" Face up to it what had happened. Instead of having your staff send out a sympathy card. As sad, heartbroken, devastated, and angry as we feel right now, that card was just "adding salt to the wound". I didnt even tell my husband we received it. (Sorry honey, I dont think you will read this, but if you do, I just didnt want you to be more upset than you are right now). Instead of writing out a card and putting a stamp on it, I would rather of them spend the energy and effort on taking care of Scoot.
Well Scoot is still making his presence known. I was in my car and a song came on called "Hole Hearted". When Scoot was sick I used to sing it and it went like.."There's a hole in my heart that can only be filled by you.." Cause that is how i felt. He was not home, and I wouldnt be happy until he was back with the family. The song came on and I started instanly bawling so i just punched a different station onthe satellite radio in my car....and whatever station I pressed, guess what song was playing........"Sunshine on my shoulder" If you read my other enteries you will know that that song was a special one for Scoot. Okay, I am not saying Scoot put these 2 songs on the radio for me to hear, but it is certainly strange that they both were on. Needless to say I started crying even harder and decided to turn the radio off all together.
I was going thru the mail and bills that needed to be filed away when I came across Scoot hospital bill. Surprisingly, it wasnt that bad. I scrolled down to view all the charges and I came across "Euthanasia $69.00" It reminded me of an American Express comercial. okay, here's my version of it....
New toy for Scooter $5.99
Woolrich red bed $20.00
Cute new winter coat $ 30.00
Hospital tests $500.00
I.V fluids $150.00
Countless memories, love, life lessons,stinky breath kisses, cuddly nights sleeping together and all the affection in the world.........
It seems so meager that for 69.00 you dog is taken away from this earth. While we would and had spend thousands and thousands of dollars to support Scoots happiness and well being. Another dogster friend of mine lost her pet and she stated somethig along the lines of that she wishes that you can buy good health and woudn't that be a great seller! I agree. What I would have done to have Scooter with us always. I would have given up and paid whatever I could to keep him alive.
I remember once we realized Scooter liked to play with balls, daddy went out and bought you a soccer ball. You had fun chasing it all over the house but then started to chew pieces off of it so we took it away and put it up on the kitchen counter. You would look up at it and cry and cry. This broke our hearts so we finally put it out of sight but you would still go by where we had it and jump up to see if it was there. The next day daddy had a tough day at work and didnt get out until very late...aound 8ish. But he didnt come home till like 9 oclock. I asked him where had he been and he said he was thinking of Scoot all day and how much he loved that ball and how he was sad when we took it away. Daddy made a special trip after work to go to the sports store to get you a new ball.....a basketball b/c we knew you couldnt bite at it. I think about it and it would of been so easy for daddy to come right home after a hard days work but he wanted to make Scooter happy and treked out to the store to buy a ball for him. That is the way it is and was. Scooter, we would have done anything and everything for you. You did not deserve any harm or wrong doing against you. No pain no suffering. We are so sorry to what happened. I think of you a billion times a day and wish we could turn back time and have one more day...no I am going to be selfish, a whole lifetime with you!!!!!!!!!!!
I love you. Okay I am going to stop writing b/c I am crying now, makeup running and I have an appt in about 1 hour so I dont want to look like a crying mess like I have been lately. Le tme get the baby ready and out the door.
I love you Scooter....so much it hurts.
February 22nd 2008 11:48 am
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Do you know the song by John Denver, "Sunshine On my SHoulder"? Well when Scoot was a pup, I made a song from him called "Scooter on my shoulder" And then they lyrics go,"Scooter on my shoulder makes me happy, Scooter on my shoulder makes me smile.."
The reason I would sing that to him is b/c when I would wake up and sit up in bed against my pillows he would kind of walk behind me on top of my pillows and sit on my shoulder almost like a perched parrot. What a character!
Just another beautiful memory..
We picked up Scoots body on Tuesday, the day after he passed. That afternoon my husband went to the new house we are building and dug a grave. He chose a spot actually right underneath where our master bedroom will be. Right between two windowns where our bed will be. So he is in the ground but smack dab between the two of us when we are in bed so he will be actually still "in bed or sleeping" with us and the rest of the doxie gang.
We picked up his coffin and then we were going to bury him but we wanted to put him in a large plastic storage container so no water or anyhting could get in there and it will be airtight. Well we had a hard time finding a storage container long enough so we went to so many stores and finally found one. It was getting very dark and late so we decided to go back home and bury him the next day. We kept him in the garage b/c we were afraid the other dogs will smell him if we brought the box inside.
Ok, I know it is weird that I am talking about my poor Scoot in a box but we wanted to bury him ourselves in our backyard so this is just what we had to do. And quite a painful task.
Before we went into the house we put the coffin in the storage box. The coffin had his snuggle sack in it as well as his favorite Winky lamb and pumpkin toy. I had his favorite cookie treat with me in my pocket and we put it on top of the coffin, closed up the storage container and then my husband used twist ties to make sure it was closed tight.
The next day aorund 4 my inlaws came over to watch the baby while we went to bury Scoot. We decided we would put anothe rblanket and his red bed inside the storage container so he can have it. We opened the storage container and I looked and said "where's the cookie treat?" My husband searched al the corners of the container and I started freaking out. I was like, "wheres is it where is it?" My husband just turned to me with tears in his eyes and said," Kelly, he ate it, go get another" I didnt question him , I just went back upstairs, went to the jar and brought him down another treat.
This is wierd and there is no explaination. There is now ay even a tiny insect could of gotten in that box to eat it, let alone a whole cookie treat!! Totally unexplainable.........I'd like to think it was him enjoying a last treat.
We went to the new house, waited for the workers to leave and then my husband made some contraption with string around the box to lower him down. We also taped the heck out of it and used more twist ties to make sure it was sealed forever. I couldnt believe the huge whole he dug!!! It was so deep. He says he feels better that he got to labor over Scoots grave and is trying to make it up to him for letting him down. Like I said, he is taking it sooooo hard. This sadness and anger has took on a life of its own and has left us very unsettled.
ANyway, he lowered the coffin then shovel by shovel covered it with dirt while I sang Scoot all of the songs that I made up for him through out the years. These are the worst days of our life.
I dont mean to be depressing, but I just have to let it out. We are usually very happy fortunate thankful people who love eachother and our family. My husband was on vacation this week. Instead of traveling like most people, he just wanted to be home with the family, its what we like to do.
ANother strange thing happened. We have glass drinking glasses from the brewing company called '3 Dacshund Beers" They are like regular glass drinking glass but each other them have the dachsund logo and a different animal that doxie like to hunt on them. we have had them for years.
Do you know that this week, two of them randomly broke. One in the dishwasher and the other in the sink. I just looked down the sink and said,"oh my god, the dachsund glass is shattered! We couldnt figure it out. After years of us having the dacshund glasses they are breaking.
I like to think of it as little signs Scoot is watching over us and up to his usual shenanigans. Maybe he is still perched on my shoulder, but I just can't feel or see it.