Adventures of a lead dog

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Lawns are stupid

July 16th 2007 10:20 am
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It is time for my diary update which means I am awake. I didn't say I'm happy about being awake. Humans should realize that the dream world is better than the awake world. Dog food doesn't even exist in dreamland---only candy and human food---and you can eat all you want.
Today I will discuss the lawn. I can see its use because I like to eat grass. Of course, it is another fun thing Mommy won't let me do. (No, she hasn't sprayed any chemicals on it---that would require her to actually acknowledge its existence.) Sadly, most humans don't share her attitude. Humans set aside large amounts of land for lawns. They spend countless hours (and money) to keep it looking green and lush. Then after they get it to grow, the humans spend more time and money cutting it down. It does make you wonder about the humans, doesn't it? That is money that could be better spent buying their pets human food instead of dog food. They even have "food" for the lawn. I bet the lawn would prefer human food also. Their food looks like it would be really lousy. Anyway, after all that effort, they have what they consider a "beautiful lawn" if they are lucky. Some of them still have "problems" that require more time, work, and money. If they would let their dogs do the landscaping, there would be lots of lovely holes which would require no attention at all. I know you humans are thinking, I don't want a bunch of holes in front and back of my house. For you silly people, I have 2 words--Grand Canyon. My friend Savannah Blue Belle dug that little hole and look how many people go see it. Do human yards of grass get millions of tourists coming to look at them? The answer, as you humans already know is. NO THEY DO NOT. My other friend, Myf is busy digging holes in Australia. Keep up the good work, Myf. Let me know when you are done. It may take a few months to dig one as big as the Grand Canyon so don't get discouraged. By the way, have you humans noticed how the birds steal your grass seed? They are so evil.
This is why I'm running for President. We dogs are far more practical than you humans yet you have been in charge. Does that make sense? The answer is no it dosn't. I have to answer it because you humans who are reading this would inevitably get the answer wrong.
Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Bulldozer)

 

Birds cause global warming

July 15th 2007 8:30 am
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Yesterday started as a win-win day for me. Angel got shots, and I got treats also. However, judging from Angel's grouchiness the rest of the day, she could have skipped the shots as far as I'm concerned. She barked at me for no reason, she nipped at me, and Mommy told her she was being a little pain. Yes, Mommy who hardly ever says anything to Angel, told her that her name didn't fit her at all. It would have been funny, but I have to live with her grouchiness. Mommy says maybe the shots made her feel bad, and probably caused her to be grouchy. I hope she is in a better mood today.
I should cover a few more campaign issues. A lot of you have expressed concern about global warming. The other camp thinks there is no global warming at all. I hate to inform you people, but---one group will be right and the other wrong. Global warming sounds good to some people (like my snow, winter hating Mommy). They think it means that the whole world will become California. The more serious issue here is: is it real? Judging from the past week or two in Michigan, I will go along with the yes, it is group because it has been hot, and I haven't been happy. Now that we have established the validity of the concern, we need to find out what is actually causing it. I've announced my findings in previous entries. THE BIRDS CAUSE GLOBAL WARMING!!!!!!! They steal snow, and then it gets hot---GLOBAL WARMING. I hope you people will stand with me when I decree: ALL BIRDS MUST DIE.
I'm glad Angel Zoom Smokey has friends with "muscle". We can use all the help we can get. Enjoy your weekend.
Demon Flash Bandit (The Best Dog for President)

 

My Opinions

July 14th 2007 10:32 am
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Mommy just got back from the vet. I didn't get to go even though I would have liked visiting with all the other dogs. It was actually a win-win situation for me. Angel got a shot while I was at home enjoying a bone. Mommy then took her to the pet store, and of course, I get treats too. I love the mint flavored twisty allergy free things she got. I've been chewing on a bubble gum flavor rawhide which is my favorite. I love the taste of bubblegum. I got a few pieces when I was a puppy before Mommy realized that I would get into it, and moved it out of my reach. FOILED AGAIN BY MOMMY
Have any of you dogs made your humans try your dog food? I hope so. I love all the "health food" issues. "Dogs should eat dog food because it is good for them." Okay Mr. Human. Put down the twinkie and tell me its nutritional value. " None----than why are you eating it? It tastes good. Does that matter. It isn't heathy." I'm sure there are a couple of humans who eat only healthy food, but I suspect that the "healthy food" is in the dog food bag because the humans don't like it. As President, I would make it a crime to feed dogs food that tastes bad. "Yes, you get 20 to life in prison. Why? You fed your dog really awful tasting food. How do we know? Your dog turned you in. I guess that little walk you made him take wasn't fun."
That brings me to my next issue. What idiot human came up with the whole idea of exercise. It is work that accomplishes nothing. Why? I've got to agree with Garfield the Cat on the whole issue of exercise. Look at the silly humans who do it. For example, you see a bunch of people running a marathon. My first thought is, "Look at those poor people--they can't afford a car (or even a bike)." I've seen that kind of behavior before--it is from hamsters who are running uselessly on a wheel. THEY ARE IN A CAGE!!!!! They probably are frustrated and trying to get out. Why do the humans do it? It is fun. It makes them feel good. They want to win a competition. If you want a competition, try out sleeping the next person. A hot dog eating contest makes more sense. Find one of them or maybe a watermelon eating contest. That is a contest that makes sense. You get to eat as much as you want---and you get a prize for it. No one saying you shouldn't eat so much. Everyone is encouraging you to eat more. It is like a little piece of heaven here on Earth.
I'll cover more issues in the future. Be sure and join my group, Demon Flash Bandit for President. I am watching out for all animals---except birds.

Demon Flash Bandit (Eat don't Excercise)

 

Wal-Mart and I'm bored

July 13th 2007 10:26 am
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I mentioned Wal-Mart in my last diary entry, and I do want to say that I like hanging out in the Wal-Mart parking lot. People come and pet me and tell me I'm pretty. It is a great store. They can keep their dog food, but I feel that way about all dog food. Actually, I prefer to sit outside Meijer. The people who shop there take the time to pet a dog. Meijer isn't in all states, but I think if Mommy moves elsewhere, they should build one down the street from her because she prefers to shop there just like I prefer their parking lot. Mommy likes getting a good price, but sometimes Wal-Mart sacrifices quality to get it, and sometimes that is actually more expensive in the long run. She has nothing against Wal-Mart. She leaves that for the employees. HAHAHA Daddy and Mommy used to take turns going into the stores so I could enjoy sitting in the parking lots.
Angel has a point in her diary yesterday. Things are boring here. I guess that is a good thing--but still boring.
Don't forget to join my Demon For President group, and vote for me.

Demon Flash Bandit (Bored dog)

 

Would humans eat the food they feed their dogs?

July 11th 2007 6:55 pm
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I will start my entry today with good news. My neighbors are back, and the birds did not buy their house. They strutted proudly around the yard like they were the home-owners; but, as I've covered in past entries, they are bird brains.
Savannah Blue Belle will be touring the Grand Canyon. She has been so kind to let other dogs know about my election campaign. I would put on a cowboy hat for a photo in honor of you dogs out west, but I HATE hats. I think I've mentioned the Davy Crockett hat Mommy bought me that she thought was so cute. YEAH Mommy, I want to walk around in the twenty-first century wearing a Davy Crockett hat. Daddy bought one for himself, and I won't even tell you how silly he looked in it. It made me laugh, and I'm an dog. I don't even think I can get Jeff to wear it, and the F-ster wears a lot of silly looking stuff. I'm not saying it isn't a cute hat, but it just isn't in style anymore.
I want to bring up another campaign issues. Why can't dogs go to restaurants? Don't we eat too? I am tired of all the discrimination against us dogs. We can sit at a table and enjoy a nice dinner just like you humans. I have seen some of you eat, and some of you have table manners so bad that dogs would be far neater while eating. I also think that humans should be required to eat dog food at least once so they can see for themselves how good it tastes. I bet the companies that make it would be out of business pronto if humans had to eat it. The humans who don't feed dog food to their dogs would be exempt from having to taste it. Just imagine the scenerio-- Yes, Mister Human, this food is delicious. It is the best dog food Wal-Mart carries in their brand. No, I'm not a cheap **##**. I believe in only buying my humans the best food the store carries. Yes, Wal-Mart is known for being a high price boutique type store. What? It doesn't taste that good. You must be having problems with your taste buds. This is good food. Am I willing to eat it? No, I'm a dog. We don't eat that food. Think about it humans===would you eat the stuff some of you try to feed us. I didn't think so. Say your prayers (if you want to be thankful that there isn't a store that carries even cheaper food than Wal-Mart). I'm your worst nightmare-a DOG running things. (Hey, that was a very funny line from 48 Hours--with a slight change). I'll cover more issues in future entries.
Demon Flash Bandit (Human's Who use Cheap Dog Food's Worst Nightmare)

 

Bugs are un-feathered birds

July 10th 2007 10:26 am
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Yesterday I received a political question from Mr Chuggs. Mr. Chuggs is a very nice cat who asked me my position on bugs-Japanese beetles in particular. I answered the question by paw-mail, but decided to cover it in my diary so all can see my stand. I'm against all bugs. They are basically little un-feathered birds who, as I see it, are advance scouts for the birds. Yeah, Tweety, we have an empty house over here that you can take over. I hate bugs. I bite as many as I can, and I've killed a couple with my paws. Unlike birds, humans won't mind if you kill bugs, Most humans have the good sense to hate them as much as I do. I had several possible solutions. 1. Go to the people who brought them here, and make them clean them up (this is for Japanese beetles in particular) 2. Have a terminator bug infiltrate their lairs, and kill them all. 3. My personal favorite) is to go back in time on the time machine (yes, there is one---see Angel's diary entry for yesterday) and kill them before there are too many of them. 4. Tell the bugs to reproduce and make as many as possible. Mommy thought that one up because she said if they are like teen-agers, whatever you tell them to do, they will do the opposite so NO MORE BUGS!!! I can see where that would work. It would take all the fun out of making little buggies. If any of you animals have questions like Mr. Chuggs did, don't hesitate to ask.
Demon Flash Bandit (Bug Exterminator)

 

I am not a bird lover, and Angel isn't allowed to drive the- car

July 9th 2007 11:16 am
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Yesterday I was very upset over a new development in the situation next door. That bird that took over the neighbor's house had his friends fly over and they were having a "bird party". I know this explains the awful heat we have had here the past few days. It was bad enough with one bird--but a whole group of them is just too much for me to accept. This brings me back to one of my major campaign issues. If I am elected president, those birds won't be partying because they will all be subject to the death penalty. For those of you who have humans who like birds (I have those kind of humans myself), buy a dvd (or a cassette for those of you whose owners haven't entered this century yet) of the old Alfred Hitchcock movie, The Birds. Obviously, Hitchcock was one of the few humans who could see birds for what they really are--feathery, flying, bits of garbage. They actually attack people. The people are terrified. Slip it into the dvd player and push the play button. If you do this everyday for a couple of weeks, it should better prepare your humans to understand the wisdom of my stand on the bird death penalty. For those of you who have humans who think the birds should actually do something wrong to be killed, feed the birds that hang out in your yard a bunch of bird seed. You might say, "but you are rewarding the birds, are you getting soft on the bird issue,". My answer would be "no, I'm not getting soft, but see how much the humans love those birds when they are leaving their bird poop everywhere (incidentally, their poop is the same color as the snow they steal).
I also want to make a comment about Angel Yesterday she sat in the driver's sear and acted like she was going to drive. I am the lead dog. My photo here on dogster is of me in the driver''s seat. CASE CLOSED. I AM THE ONLY DOG IN THIS FAMILY WHO CAN DRIVE. I had to put that in my diary so that when Angel reads it, she will have a public notification that she isn't allowed to drive.
Stay tuned for more of my "presidential promises".
Demon Flash Bandit (getting rid of birds one nest at a time)

 

I'm glad I wasn't with Mommy most of the day yesterday

July 8th 2007 10:05 am
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Hi,
I didn't get around to writing a diary entry yesterday. Mommy had to take the van in to get it fixed. Some kind of vacuum tube was clogged. Then, of course, they found other fun things that needed to be done. Thanks to the quick service of the guys at Belle Tire, Mommy only had to wait 7 hours. One unfortunate customer had went to get groceries while waiting. Let's just say, I hope he didn't buy any ice cream. Mommy says she was going to take the pick-up in for new tires, but may very well go to their competitor because it might take 2 or 3 days to actually put tires on. She was going to ask one of the customers who was already waiting when Mommy arrived, but he wasn't very talkative. However, his skeleton was in very nice shape. I think the Belle Tire employee said he was getting an oil change. His 1955 model Packard was in excellent condition. Daddy would have loved it. He liked classics. It looked new. For all of you who want to keep your cars nice, that is a hint. Take one there for its first oil change, and when they finish, instant classic.
Then Mommy and Jeff went to West Branch to visit friends where they had a very nice time===WITHOUT ME. I had to babysit the other brother AGAIN. I know he needs someone to watch him, but I'm getting tired of always having to stay home and watch the 24 year old "baby". Angel didn't get to go either. I think she could babysit. I've done my time. Let her take over. Her diary entry yesterday about casinos and how to act human was so inspiriing NOT.........I know I could play a human with no problem. I have blue eyes---case closed. I haven't lowered myself to going to a casino because I don't know what a casino is---and how does Angel know these things?
UPDATE: Meagan isn't home. I'm really afraid that bird has taken over the house. I'm afraid to go on vacation. What if some bird steals our house while I'm gone. I HATE BIRDS. I don't know if I've covered that topic enough.
I'll go into more campaign stuff tomorrow. Angel wants to get on the computer. Maybe she made it to the casino and wants to brag about how much money she lost. HAHAHAHA I'm going to go check on Mommy. She was still tired when she got up this morning.
Demon Flash Bandit (computer hog---that is what Angel calling me)

 

Birds should receive the death penalty

July 6th 2007 9:40 am
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The first thing I want to do in this entry is to thank Savannah Blue Belle and Cotton for designing such a lovely campaign sign and adding it to Savannah's site. Savannah is a very well travelled dog, and all of you reading this should check out her site. It is pawsome. I also appreciate their endorsement in the Demon Flash Bandit for President group. Bodie, I am so glad you and Kiara joined the group. I will cover a major issue in my diary today. Do you know what Angel covered in her diary yesterday----mimes, yes, you read correctly, mimes? She had an entire entry on how she doesn't like them. Who does? Have you ever seen a dog dress up as a mime and pretend there is an invisible wall keeping him from getting to his rawhide bone? Dogs are too smart for that. There is no such thing as an invisible wall, and we'd tear up a real one to get to a rawhide bone. My point is that she wants to be president and all she does is yap about mimes. How silly? She sounds like those human politicians who are asked questions and they never answer them. Then the other silly humans vote for them because they don't seem to notice that their questions weren't answered. That works with humans, but Angel is dealing with her fellow dogs now (we have to persuade our humans to let us vote by the next election). Dogs are much smarter and, if we don't get our questions answered, it makes the whole term "running" more literal. They would be running-to keep the rest of the dogs from tearing them apart.
Back to my campaign: I think the death penalty should be strictly enforced for all birds----NO EXCEPTIONS. There are no birds that will be exempt from this law unless maybe the bird can talk, in which case it better say, Demon Flash Bandit is the best president ever. I don't care if he can recite the Constitution, if he can't say the aforementioned phrase, Goodbye, Tweety. I will discuss more issues of my campaign in tomorrow's diary. It is time to move on.
UPDATE: Meagan isn't home, and that bird is still strutting around her yard(he wouldn't be if I were president). If something isn't done to stop them, they are going to be moving into every neighborhood. That sends chills down my spine which, since I'm a husky, actually feels good.
Mommy went to see License to Wed yesterday. If I were a screen writer, it would be License to Kill Birds. Wait a minute---you shouldn't need a license for that. For those of you who like birds and won't admit they are evil, I have 2 words for you: Bird Flu---I think I've made my point.
Remember to join my group, Demon flash Bandit for Presdent. HOWL
Demon Flash Bandit (The Dog who Has the Cure for BIRD FLU---kill them)

 

Demon Flash Bandit for President!!!

July 5th 2007 6:34 am
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I am so mad this morning, I can barely take a bite of my rawhide bne. First Angel wanted to copy my diary entries. Then yesterday, when I read her diary, flaming rawhide bits were flying out of my nose. Okay, I'm exaggerating a little, but you get the point---I WAS FURIOUS!!!!!! She announced that she was running for president. Does that puppy ever have an original idea or does she just follow me around trying to steal mine? Then she had the utter nerve to start an Angel Zoom Smokey for President group. I then had to start my own group which is Demon Flash Bandit for President. I don't know why she puts herself in this position. I hate to see her hurt. She just isn't up to the task, and I'm sure all you dogs out there would agree with me.
Be sure and join my group. Feel free to ask me any political questions you have. I'll be more than happy to answer as soon as I finish chewing on my rawhide bone. Wouldn't you prefer a President who has his priorities straight? I know all you dogs out there would agree that there is very little in life more important than a good rawhide bone. Questions can wait.
I hope all you dogs and your families had a nice Fourth of July weekend.
Be sure and join my group. Angel needs to realize that she is clearly unqualified for the job. I'm too upset to write more right now so I'll get back to my diary later.
Demon Flash Bandit (Group Administrator---Demon Flash Bandit for President

 
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