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Adventures of a lead dog

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Becoming. . . .A DOG

August 29th 2007 11:04 am
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In reference to my diary yesterday, evidently (according to what Mommy told me) time during the Superbowl is very expensive so if I'm going to get 20 minutes or so of air time, I might have to give up a whole box of Milkbone. I don't know who sets these prices, but I think a box of Milkbone for 20 minutes of air time during the Superbowl is over-priced. It is just a silly football game. These network executives must be real idiots to think they can ask for any amount of Milkbone and get by with it. It proves my point once again that humans should not be in charge. They are way too stupid. I hate to be overly critical, but I've watched a lot of tv, and there aren't nearly enough dogs on there. Sure, watching humans mess up and do stupid things can be entertaining. Of course, I don't have to watch tv for that. I can just watch the stupid humans I live with. I often wonder how humans survive with that peanut size brain of theirs. Angel, what do you mean, I'm thinking of dinosaurs. Believe me, if you watch this family long enough, you'll realize that the dinosaurs were actually very intelligent in comparison. In fact, I was watching a documentary the other day that had dinosaurs in it. It was called Dinosaurs, and Mommy was watchng it. There was this family of dinosaurs called the Sinclairs. The Daddy's name was Earl, and the dvd was put out by that famous documentary company, Disney. The dinosaurs could talk and they wore clothes. Daddy told me there was a classic episode where Earl was supposed to throw his mother-in-law into the tarpits. He said he always wanted to throw his mother-in-law into the tarpits. Then he would laugh and laugh. I have no idea why. Sadly, Earl messed up because the son, Robby didn't want his grandma thrown into the tarpits. Daddy siad my brother, Robby, would have stopped the tradition too. Then he would sigh so sadly. Do any of you dogs out there understand why Daddy talked like that? Maybe I need to watch the other documentary episodes.
Mommy went to a movie last night and I didn't have to baby-sit. HOWL HOWL Mommy saw Becoming Jane. I think Jane was trying to become a dog. It sounds like a heart warming story. When a human realizes how much happier they would be as a dog, it is always a good story. What. . . . .she wanted to be a writer. Why? She could have become a dog and she chose to be a writer. No wonder people complain about the lack of quality entertainment. I've got to go ponder this whole idea of not becoming a dog. What was she thinking.. . . . . . . .was she not smart enough to be a dog. . . . . . .was she sane. . . . .?

Demon Flash Bandit (Lucky to be a Dog)


I need some political commercials

August 28th 2007 11:09 am
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Its me again. I didn't manage to find any candy yesterday. Mommy has been putting it in the refrigerator. I would figure out how to open it, but I hardly ever walk into the actual kitchen. Daddy told me it was evil in there. He said whatever you do, don't go past the dining room. Daddy was so wise that I don't want to take the risk. Angel goes in there. She walks up the the refrigerator and helps Mommy. Her nose is always checking it out. She says it is nice and cold. Maybe it the the portal to Alaska. She also says it is full of food. Maybe it is the portal to heaven.
I can't understand why I haven't been offered some air time for political ads. I was thinking maybe a few minutes during the Super Bowl would be nice. I would only need 15 or 20 minutes. Mommy says it is a silly football game anyway so it would be a pleasant break for those watching the game. I'm sure they must get very bored by half-time. Mommy won't even watch it that long. She says it is stupid. I wonder how bad it has to be because if there is a ball involved, I'm there. I'm not saying tug of war isn't fun, but playing fetch is up there with tug of war. If I have to pay, I guess I could give them some Milkbone for the time. I'm sure the network executives would hate to pass up that good a deal.
Angel is asleep. I wonder if she is dreaming about being in a bar again.
I'll howl at you more tomorrow. Have a howling good day.

Demon Flash Bandit (Better than the Super Bowl)


I like candy

August 27th 2007 11:30 am
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Demon Flash Bandit is up to bat. Will he get another home run? The crowd is tense. Yes, it looks like yet another home run for the best baseball playing dog in existence. It is time, once again, to play Demon's song. Demon is the Champion. Everyone is yelling vote for Demon. He is the best baseball player, he'd make the best president. Who's coughing? Oh, people can read what I'm saying. Okay. I was just thinking out loud. I'm sure all you dogs think the kind of things I'm thinking. At least I didn't dream about a bar appearing out of nowhere. That is Angel's dream. I guess that explains her "tipsy" behavior. I know all of you dogs will be glad to know that I hid the car keys from her so she can't drive.
As you can read, I've been doing some serious thinking. It just isn't fair that I'm so good at so many things. The poor humans I live with can barely get up in the morning. I don't know what they would do without me. I have to tell them what to do, and hope they are smart enough to understand. These are the same humans who think they should be in charge. I'm sure all of you dogs out there, like me, would get a big laugh out of that idea if it weren't so scary. When is obedience school going to open where we can take the humans and teach them how to obey us? I've been asking this question for ages now.
Good news everyone!!! I found a new box of Mike and Ikes last night, and the Deemster had some candy. It was so good. Why doesn't Mommy just feed me an exclusive diet of candy? It tastes so good, and I eat it with no fuss. I hope Mommy reads this and gets the hint that candy is good food. Chances are, she won't understand. She can be so dense at times. Here is my word of advice to all you dogs who want candy: Check the bags as they come in from the store, open cabinet doors--there are often "treasures" behind those doors, and always put your paws on kitchen cabinets and dining room tables. Sometime they have "treasures" on them. They make metal detectors, why don't they make candy detectors. Oh yeah, they do. It is my nose. I can smell candy from a mile away. Keep trying dogs, most houses have candy hidden somewhere.

Demon Flash Bandit (The Candy Nose)


Mommy went to Petco

August 26th 2007 10:27 am
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Hail to the Chief, I'm the Chief and . . . . .Okay, I'm just testing the song to see how I like it. I do have my own theme song already, Demon is the Champion (done by Queen). Mommy went out last night to a movie, but she also went to Petco. They have wonderful treats there. She even brought us a toy and dental bones-like we don't expect toys every time Mommy leaves the house. She saw the movie, Mr. Bean's Holiday. She has been looking forward to this movie. She used to watch Mr. Bean on Canadian TV years ago. He has been in other things, but a lot of people in the U. S. haven't seen him a lot since he is on British television. Mommy thought his Blackadder Series (World War 1) was hilarious, and Hugh Laurie (who plays House) was so funny acting with him in that segment. Mommy bought it on dvd so she can watch it whenever she wants a good laugh.
Angel isn't scared of movie monsters. What a surprise. Considering, she bit my ear yesterday for no apparent reason. She is such a bully. She would probably have King Kong and Godzilla on the run. Angel has no problem taking care of herself. I usually have to go to Mommy and cry, and then Angel acts like I'm a cry-baby, but I'm not supposed to fight with a girl. How is a dog supposed to react? Mommy always finds out what the problem is and fixes it. It usually involves a toy or rawhide bone. I can't say I think Mommy handles it well because she takes the item away and neither of us gets it. I don't think that is fair---she should give it to me.
Be sure and vote for me. I think I could get used to that Hail to the Chief song.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog Who Enjoys Treats)


Where is the new crew?

August 25th 2007 11:07 am
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Hi. It's Demon Flash Bandit again. The election is heating up, and still no news crew has come to cover my campaign. I am very disappointed because they act like I'm not running. Again, I think this is because of all the prejudice against us dogs. They act like we can't run the world. Yes, you humans have done such a good job up until now. We dogs are so impressed. I think the humans are afraid that if I get in, I'll make the country so good that it will make them look bad for having messed things up so much. Don't forget to check out my group, Demon Flash Bandit for president. I haven't up-dated it much lately due to the fact that the "kennel" didn't have a computer. I understand how Rodney Dangerdog felt: we get no respect.

Demon Flash Bandit (Vote for Me)


My other brother is a computer hog

August 24th 2007 12:52 pm
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Hello everyone. I didn't get to write an entry yesterday because I was watching my other brother (the one who doesn't live with us), and he was hogging the computer. I also had to listen to his whining. I don't have the internet at home, I am a loser, I look like a wookie, I should take shower, I am insane. Okay, maybe he wasn't actually saying those things, but he should have been. I know that is what I was thinking while he was being a computer hog. He is so stupid he thinks that he is babysitting for Angel and me when I am babysitting for him. I think I should be the one who is compensated. I have to put up with him, and he loves to hog the computer---MY COMPUTER.
Mommy and the Fster went to see 2 movies yesterday--Stardust and Superbad. I know that Superbad can't be about a dog or it would be called Supergood. Stardust must be a documentary about cleaning. If I were going to the theatre, I would just go see Underdog again and again. I'm sure it is the best movie out there at the moment.
I'd better get off the computer because Angel has to write her diary. I'll write more tomorrow--if the neighborhood computer hog doesn't show up.

Demon Flash Bandit (Overall Wonderful Dog)


I Rule

August 22nd 2007 4:36 pm
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Last night Angel and I had to babysit while Mommy and Jeff went to a movie. The movie was The Last Legion. I'm not sure exactly what it was about, but I'm hoping it involved dogs. I have discovered from watching the tv that not all movies have dogs in them. Yes, I know you are thinking what I'm thinking, what is the point of watching them, but humans can be very silly. It has been kind of quiet today so there isn't a lot of new stuff to report to all you dogs out there. I do wish I could go to the theatre with Mommy. Remember to vote for me for president so these silly laws will be changed.
In answer to Angel's entry yesterday. Queen obviously wrote the song, Flash, about me. I like the song. In fact, I do rule. The group Queen and the Queen Mother think I am the "Flash" and that I rule. Angel is just upset that her song is based on the melody to Rubber Duckie, and it is called Angel Puppy.

Demon Flash Bandit (Movie Critic)


Angel with Kung Fu Grip

August 21st 2007 11:43 pm
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Hello all of you wonderful canines. I hope all of you are having a nice day.
Before I go into any new subjects, I have a correction to make. Triumph, the Insult Dog was at a Star Wars Convention, not a Star Trek Convention. The Fster pointed out my mistake, and said he isn't a geek because it is a totally different thing. Okay Jeff, the people who are into Star Trek aren't geeks, they are highly cool people who walk around wearing Vulcan ears and having disagreements over who is the best Captain--Kirk or Picard. Obviously, I'm very wrong. I'm sure Triumph the Insult Dog would think the Trekkies are super cool. I do have one question--why did the Fster wear a Darth Vader costume to the convention? Isn't that just wrong?
Now, in answer to Angel's entry from 2 days ago. There is a phantom dog and he happens to look a lot like me (lucky guy), and the video she has is of him. A lot of people mistake him for me, but he is the phantom dog. The phantom dog did not slap me with his paw. It was Angel. I can prove it because she was even bragging in one of her entries about an action figure of Angel with Kung Fu grip. She has a real obcession with hitting people.
I don't think that the American dogs (and people) want this campaign to become a lot of insults and mud slinging so I plan to take the high road. I am the one who decided to run first. Angel just jumped on the band wagon because she wanted some extra money to pay her cell phone bill. It wouldn't be so high if she would quit her yakking, but Angel has to call all her friends, and she never knows when to get off the phone. I'm sure all you male dogs know what I mean. I do enjoy having her around though. She is nice to look at.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog of the People)


Triumph was right!!!!!!!

August 20th 2007 11:01 am
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Its Demon Flash Bandit's time to rant again. I have come to the conclusion that one of the real problems for us dogs is that we have no news program with Doggie News--news that matters to us canines. I could add it to my list of things ot try out, but running for president, and being in the Howling Huskies keeps me very busy. If any of you dogs are interested, let me know because we really need more doggie programming. The Fster (I've made him an honorary dog) could be a stand up commedienne. He really makes us dogs laugh.
Speaking of the Fster, I was watching Triumph the Insult Dog (thank you Conan O'Brien), and he was covering the geeks at a Star Trek Convention. Angel and I almost laughed our tails off (we checked--luckily our beautiful curly tails are still there). I looked at Angel and said, "Didn't we get left in the "Big House" so that the Fster could go to a Star Trek Convention. I found out from Mommy that it is one of the larger Star Trek Conventions. Then Angel and I quit laughing and got worried. If the Fster is a geek, does that mean that we are geeks by association? Of course, no one as cute as me and as hot as Angel could be a geek so we quit worrying and came to the conclusion that we should try to help the poor Fster get over being a geek. I wonder how we are going to accomplish that. . . . . I'm sure the Howling Huskies can manage to come up with some good idea. Maybe we could let him wear a husky costume. I can't think of any way for him to look any cooler. Hey F. . . . .where are you? We need to go to the Halloween costume store. Yes, I saw one that is about to open. Angel and I have good news for you. . . . . I'll get back to this story when I can report how happy the Fster is with our idea.

Demon Flash Bandit (One Cool Dog)


An Apology and Angel is Slinging Mud (that smells bad)

August 19th 2007 11:21 am
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I have to start this entry with a political apology. Yesterday I said the Democrats might run a chick for president, and I was angry that they would even consider putting a bird in the White House. The Fster laughed at my entry and told me that "chick" is a word men use for women--usually derogatory. I understand the derogatory part, but it isn't my fault that you humans use such inexact language. You should say what you mean. The Democrats are not planning to run a bird. However, the Green Party might try it. They would probably say that the bird is on the endangered species list and should be president. Any bird that hangs around Demon Flash Bandit is on the endangered species list. I want all of them killed. Thanks to all you dogs out there who do your part to try to kill off all the birds.

Angel's entry claims I lie about her. I guess she is starting her campaign of dirty tricks and mud slinging already. I will state that when she starts her mud slinging, I'll get out of the way. She says she had mud on her paws, but it didn't smell like mud---unless the mud was from a sewer.

It is not my fault that Jackie Gleason played the role of Angel in Smokey and the Bandit. I didn't cast the part. However, it is very funny that they would choose him. Just remember Angel, The Deemster had nothing to do with it.

Demon Flash Bandit (My Motto: All Birds are Endangered Species)

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