September 6th 2007 9:51 am
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Hello fellow dogsters. I hope it is cool where you are. I know when it is hot here, I dream of Alaska. I've never been there, but it sounds like paradise. My silly Mommy says it it too cold there. It isn't too cold for us huskys. HA
Jeff performed his first comedy act at Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle last night. No--Angel and I weren't allowed to go because of the typical discrimination in this country about dogs. You know I plan to fix that when I become President. However, I digress. Mommy said Jeff's performance was good, and he might even get to go back there. I think it would be cool to have a stand up comic as a brother. Angel and I think he is hilarious, Of course, the sad thing is that I'm not sure he is trying to be funny. You should see him admiring himself in the mirror, putting on his make-up, wearing his tiara. Oh sorry, that isn't Jeff. That is Angel. He is funny when he jumps through the house, falls over from drinking too much, and gets a DUI. Oh yeah, again, that is Angel. Angel is right. She is the funny one and Jeff is stealing her act. What is wrong with humans that they steal their best ideas from us dogs? Remember when Thomas Alva Edison's dog, Bulby, invented the light bulb, and then Edison ran and got a patent on it while his dog was still looking for a patent lawyer. Henry Ford was trying to find a way to build cars faster, and his dog, Assemble, came up with the assembly line. Does his dog get the credit? No, he does not. I've checked the history books. They say Henry Ford came up with that idea. P L E A S E . . . . . . . humans just aren't that smart. Why do you think they keep us dogs around? Sometimes dogs do fix things. Remember Checkers, Richard Nixon's dog also known as Deep Throat. That wonderful dog knew that he couldn't sit back and not do something about the Watergate break-in which was silly because he told Nixon he was being paranoid. Again, Nixon didn't take the wise advice of his dog which is one reason that the dog got mad and told on him. George W. Bush's dog, Crazy, has been helping George W. I think his name explains a lot. To be fair, the owner has to have a working brain to listen to his dog, and we all know that George W. is sorely lacking in the brian department. Now I will discuss dogs of the future. There is Porthos, Captain of the NX--01 Enterprise. Most Star Trek fans actually think that the captain was Jonathan Archer. The F-ster told me Porthos was running that ship, and doing a good job. Archer would slip him a couple of Milkbone and take the credit for all the dogs accomplishments. Let's not forget Astro, the Jetson's dog. Let's face it, George Jetson barely had enough sense to push a button. Astro was running the show. When I become President, I can't fix the past, but shouldn't Porthos and Astro be treated fairly. Vote for me for President, and there will be change. Also, Angel said she doesn't mind helping Jeff write his act, but she wants to be able to attend the show, get 40% of anything he makes, and generally run things. It sounds fair to me.
I've got to go. I've got dogs calling me for consultations on all their greivances against the human population. By the way, aren't any of you dogs in law school? Have a good day!
Demon Flash Bandit (The Equalizer)
September 5th 2007 8:41 am
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Mommy went to a movie last night. I had to babysit. She saw Nanny Diarys. I guess it is like my dairy entry only not nearly as interesting since I am very entertaining. No, I don't think I'm bragging. I happen to find myself very entertaining. Speaking of entertainment, tonight is Jeff's big night. Even when I told him I like money (I've heard that successful entertainers can make large amount of cash to spend on their dogs-what else would you do with a lot of money), I don't think he gets it. He just stands there like what I said isn't even heard.
I'd better get off the computer. Mommy says she has to leave early today. I hope all of you have a good day. I'll let you know how it turns out for the Fster.
Demon Flash Bandit (I Want my Brother to Be a Star so he can spend lots and lots of money on me)
September 4th 2007 9:27 am
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I failed to mention yesterday that I had to babysit my brother Sunday while Mommy went to see 2 movies. I had more important things on my mind yesterday-like how to get Labor Day to become a day of toys and treats for us dogs. I have my priorities where they should be. Mommy saw Resurrecting the Champ which has to be about a "bogus" dog becuase, as I've mentioned in other diary entries, I AM THE CHAMP, AND I DIDN'T STAR IN THAT MOVIE. I wasn't even asked to be a consultant on that movie. The other movie was Bourne Ultimatum. Mommy told me what it was about, and it sounded silly. I don't even think Bourne was a dog.
Angel thinks she is going to see Jeff's comedy premiere tomorrow night even though I told her they wouldn't let dogs in (she never believes me). I did read her diary entry, and if there are going to be dogs throwing rawhide bones at Jeff, I hope he brings a couple of them home for us. I don't want to get hit by a "flying rawhide bone" although I would like to go and see the Fster. He was practicing last night, and I let him know that I thought one of his jokes was lame. Did he listen? No, he said he liked the joke and plans to leave it in. Angel said forget talking to him about it. She said Jeff is funny, but he isn't good at listening to the wise advice of his dogs. I hope the other humans like it, but some jokes just aren't funny--like that stupid joke Jeff Foxworthy tells about the porch collapsing and killing a bunch of dogs. Some people laugh, but the joke is sick. Ask any of us dogs, and we'll tell you what we really think.
Tommorrow is Jeff's big day. I'm getting kind of excited. I told him that there is no pressure, but this dog likes money. I've been known to hoard paper money that I've "found". I happen to be a very smart dog, and I've seen Mommy exchange that green paper for good food at drive throughs. Therefore, I like money. I bet most of you dogs out there like money. It is a very cool item.
Demon Flash Bandit (Comedy Dog)
September 3rd 2007 10:45 am
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How is the holiday going for everyone? I am not too crazy about this holiday. Most people get the day off. Evidently, that is the "big deal" about this holiday. I have the day off every day so I feel I'm not in the loop on this holiday. For some of you smart alecs out there (yes, that means you Angel)---no, I don't plan to work today to make the "holiday" different. I'm not stupid. Other holidays are so much nicer. Easter involves getting lots and lots of candy. I approve wholeheartedly of candy. Thanksgiving involves a huge feast (again I approve of food related holidays). Christmas means I get lots and lots of cool new toys and treats. My birthday (though not an official holiday-it is definitely one for me) is also a day for lots of treats and toys. I'm sure you can see where I am going with this. To make Labor Day a better holiday, I've come up with the perfect way to celebrate Labor Day. I can get lots and lots of toys and treats. I think I've solved the whole dull holiday problem and made it a holiday to look forward to. Remember to vote for me for President. This is the kind of brilliant thinking that I will bring to the White House. I'm not saying the humans have been stupid, but let's just say, they don't even have enough brains to dig up the White House Lawn. Maybe I'm wrong. I just remembered hearing Mommy say that, with politicians, most of the skeletons are in the closet. I guess they must store their bones in closets-probably too lazy to get out and dig and get their paws dirty. I have already promised the position of Secretary of Digging to Savannah Blue Belle. If you want to be part of that group, she will be in charge. She went to Arizona, and left a hole that is now called the Grand Canyon. Myf in Austrailia (another digging talent) will do any digging that needs to be done in that part of the world. Since Myf is Austrailian, I can't put Myf on my cabinet, but Myf is definitely an ally. Mommy occasionally thinks of moving to Austrailia, but I told her I'd make this country better when I get in office. I'm not so sure she thinks it can be fixed (Mommy has her cynical moments), but I assured her that up until now, a dog hasn't been in charge.
Now that I've come up with a plan to make this an enjoyable holiday for everyone, I can take a nap. I hope you dogs have a good day---even if it may take a year or two to make it a truly wonderful holiday.
Demon Flash Bandit (Making Holidays Better)
September 2nd 2007 10:01 am
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Hi everyone. I have to mention that my funny brother, the F-ster, will be doing comedy at Open Mike night at Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle in Royal Oak, MI. on Wednesday. (That is where Tim Allen got his start.) Angel has been helping him. I am far too busy with my Presidential campaign to help Jeff come up with funny stuff. Besides he is quite funny on his own. I think that since my brother is performing, Angel and I should be allowed to go, but Mommy said no. Can you believe how mean the world is to us dogs? We can't even go enjoy Jeff's comedy? We are some of his biggest supporters. We laugh at him all the time. He is one of the best dog commediennes out there. He tells us jokes and we laugh and laugh.
Mommy went out last night and brought home toys, dental bones, and rawhide bones. Angel and I didn't even fight over any of them. She has been a lot nicer since our experience in the "big house". Mommy likes it because she loves to cuddle with Mommy. I like to lay in front of the air conditioner. I love cold air hitting my fur.
I hope all you dogs out there are enjoying good health and good food (translation-no dog food). Have a good holiday.
Demon Flash Bandit (The F-ster's Brother)
September 1st 2007 11:04 am
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How is the holiday weekend treating you dogs out there? Mine is okay. Are any of you going away on any trips? I hope you don't have owners who put you in the jail for the weekend. Thank goodness Mommy has no big plans. I have no desire to go back to the "big house".
There isnt' a lot going on. I've been working on some points for my campaign. There are so many important things I want to accomplish. Rating them in order of importance is also a challenge. For example, is killing all birds more important than making sure that dogs can go anywhere they want. As you can see, rating the importance can get very complicated. Should I start by digging up the White House grounds or should I start by killing birds. I've got a lot to contemplate so I won't write anymore in my diary today. I hope everyone has a wonderful Labor Dog Day.
Demon Flash Bandit (Contemplative Dog)
August 31st 2007 10:35 am
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Demon is the Champion, Demon is the Champion, No time for losers cause Demon is the Champion .........OF THE WORLD. Wasn't it nice of Queen to write that song for me? Of course, I am a very inspiring dog. I don't like to brag, but I just can't help it. I'm am such a great dog.
This is the start of a holiday weekend. It is called Labor Dog Day, and I have no idea what the reason for the holiday is. I think I heard on the tv that it is because everyone wants a day off from work. When I become President, I'm taking that idea a step farther, and I'm going to add another holiday. It will be called Lazy Dog Day, and it will be a tribute to all the lazy people out there who want another day off. From what I've been told (by lazy people), they have to work way too hard. I feel your pain. Huskies are a working breed so I dream about working. It saves wear and tear on the paws. Of course, as your president, I will work very hard to make sure that everyone is happy. There will be a rawhide for every dog, squeaky toys all around, and frisbees without leashes. Do I hear a Yeah for no leashes. Yes, I heard it --I think it was Angel. I'm sure you other dogs are joining in. Why do people feel they have to work? No one seems to like it yet they do it anyway. Aren't people silly. They could learn a lot from us dogs.
I've got to go make sure Angel isn't taking my new rawhide bone. All of you have a good holiday.
Demon Flash Bandit (Work/Dreaming Dog)
August 30th 2007 11:43 am
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Once again Demon Flash Bandit is on the computer. I hope all you dogs out there are having a wonderful day. The Fster went out yesterday with a friend, and Angel took over his video games. I told her not to, but she said he wouldn't care. She was driving around on one game running into other cars and running over people. I had to leave the room--watching how bad she was driving was just too painful. I'm so glad I hid the car keys from her.
There are still no news crews here covering my campaign. I think the people in office are afraid of me so they are trying to keep my campaign a secret. They know they don't stand a chance of getting in if I run. Who would vote for such idiots? I still haven't heard one person mention the whole "birds are evil" issue. I am not giving up. I will be on the ticket when the election comes up so stay the course, whatever that means. I think it means if you are on a race track, don't hit the walls because, when cars do that, they usually get smashed. I have no idea what that has to do with the campaign, but I was listening to some old Saturday Night Live political satire (it is infinitely less boring than the news shows). Has anyone noticed that the news tends to be depressing? If I become president, I'll have to make sure there is no depressing news. See how important it is to have me in there. No other president has ever bothered to make the news pleasant. I'll enact a law that says everyone has to be happy. Why haven't any of your leaders thought of that? Because they aren't Demon Flash Bandit. That is why. I am smarter than the average human. Thanks Yogi, with a little modification, your motto works great for me.
Demon Flash Bandit (Smarter than the Average Human)
August 29th 2007 11:04 am
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In reference to my diary yesterday, evidently (according to what Mommy told me) time during the Superbowl is very expensive so if I'm going to get 20 minutes or so of air time, I might have to give up a whole box of Milkbone. I don't know who sets these prices, but I think a box of Milkbone for 20 minutes of air time during the Superbowl is over-priced. It is just a silly football game. These network executives must be real idiots to think they can ask for any amount of Milkbone and get by with it. It proves my point once again that humans should not be in charge. They are way too stupid. I hate to be overly critical, but I've watched a lot of tv, and there aren't nearly enough dogs on there. Sure, watching humans mess up and do stupid things can be entertaining. Of course, I don't have to watch tv for that. I can just watch the stupid humans I live with. I often wonder how humans survive with that peanut size brain of theirs. Angel, what do you mean, I'm thinking of dinosaurs. Believe me, if you watch this family long enough, you'll realize that the dinosaurs were actually very intelligent in comparison. In fact, I was watching a documentary the other day that had dinosaurs in it. It was called Dinosaurs, and Mommy was watchng it. There was this family of dinosaurs called the Sinclairs. The Daddy's name was Earl, and the dvd was put out by that famous documentary company, Disney. The dinosaurs could talk and they wore clothes. Daddy told me there was a classic episode where Earl was supposed to throw his mother-in-law into the tarpits. He said he always wanted to throw his mother-in-law into the tarpits. Then he would laugh and laugh. I have no idea why. Sadly, Earl messed up because the son, Robby didn't want his grandma thrown into the tarpits. Daddy siad my brother, Robby, would have stopped the tradition too. Then he would sigh so sadly. Do any of you dogs out there understand why Daddy talked like that? Maybe I need to watch the other documentary episodes.
Mommy went to a movie last night and I didn't have to baby-sit. HOWL HOWL Mommy saw Becoming Jane. I think Jane was trying to become a dog. It sounds like a heart warming story. When a human realizes how much happier they would be as a dog, it is always a good story. What. . . . .she wanted to be a writer. Why? She could have become a dog and she chose to be a writer. No wonder people complain about the lack of quality entertainment. I've got to go ponder this whole idea of not becoming a dog. What was she thinking.. . . . . . . .was she not smart enough to be a dog. . . . . . .was she sane. . . . .?
Demon Flash Bandit (Lucky to be a Dog)
August 28th 2007 11:09 am
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Its me again. I didn't manage to find any candy yesterday. Mommy has been putting it in the refrigerator. I would figure out how to open it, but I hardly ever walk into the actual kitchen. Daddy told me it was evil in there. He said whatever you do, don't go past the dining room. Daddy was so wise that I don't want to take the risk. Angel goes in there. She walks up the the refrigerator and helps Mommy. Her nose is always checking it out. She says it is nice and cold. Maybe it the the portal to Alaska. She also says it is full of food. Maybe it is the portal to heaven.
I can't understand why I haven't been offered some air time for political ads. I was thinking maybe a few minutes during the Super Bowl would be nice. I would only need 15 or 20 minutes. Mommy says it is a silly football game anyway so it would be a pleasant break for those watching the game. I'm sure they must get very bored by half-time. Mommy won't even watch it that long. She says it is stupid. I wonder how bad it has to be because if there is a ball involved, I'm there. I'm not saying tug of war isn't fun, but playing fetch is up there with tug of war. If I have to pay, I guess I could give them some Milkbone for the time. I'm sure the network executives would hate to pass up that good a deal.
Angel is asleep. I wonder if she is dreaming about being in a bar again.
I'll howl at you more tomorrow. Have a howling good day.
Demon Flash Bandit (Better than the Super Bowl)
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