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Adventures of a lead dog

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Turkey Killing Day

November 18th 2007 8:35 am
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Mommy went out last night, and came home with some fun treats including some tasty dried salmon (I have no idea why it was only a 4 oz. bag--Angel and I wanted 50 pounds of the salmon). Mommy said it was supposed to be a treat, and it was. Angel and I ate the entire bag. We told Mommy to get more of that stuff the next time she goes to Petco. Angel was so excited to get an actual bone--we got rawhide bones too, but we each got a real bone-or the Deemster got 2 (I love D.F.B. math), but Angel seems to have a problem grasping that math. She prefers A.Z.S. math, but that math is wrong.

I heard something about Thanksgiving coming up soon. Thanksgiving is a wonderful holiday because it gets rid of countless turkeys who belong to the bird family, and all you dogs who read my entries know how much I hate birds. Those little feathered rodents stealing my snow, and singing and taunting me about it. The first Thanksgiving (for those of you who slept in history class--again, you know who you are) is a time for giving thanks. It all started many years ago when the Pilgrims came to this country. They were pleased to see a pleasant climate, and then the snow left and the Native Americans told them it was the birds' fault, and they got together and killed a bunch of snow stealing low life turkeys, and then they roasted them and had the first Thanksgiving. You may have heard a slightly different version of the story, but the Demon Flash Bandit version is the correct one. The Native Americans had the intelligence to listen to their dogs. By the way, do you think it would make a less impressive story if the Pilgrims had micro-waved the first Thanksgiving dinner. Mrs. Pilgrim would say.....look how hard I had to work. It took me 45 minutes to heat enough food for the entire family, and now I have to throw away the paper plates and put the regular dinnerware in the dishwasher. I'm tired of all this work. Let's eat out next Thanksgiving. Mr. Pilgrim would be watching a football game, and all would give thanks that they can zonk out and do nothing for the rest of the day. Oh yeah, that is how we celebrate now. (I do know some of you do actually cook, but a lot of you don't so I'm covering the fun group--dogs would be in the fun group ourselves). I think all the women are giving thanks that Mr. Wave invented the micro-wave oven so now we can all nuke our food, and stand and complain because it is taking a whole 30 seconds to heat our dinner--I always enjoyed Homer Simpson complaining about the micro-wave taking too long--he is a true American). Anyway, I hope all of you dogs have learned something from this Thanksgiving history lesson. Happy Turkey Killing Day!!!!!!!!!!!!

Demon Flash Bandit (Squashing Historic Rumors)


I'm Almost Certain Dogs Like to Walk

November 17th 2007 7:34 am
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Does anyone remember this song done by Chicago:????

Saturday in the park ..... It's time to take the dog for a walk
Another day in the park..... It's time to take the dog for a walk
People laughing People smiling ..... It's time to take the dog for a walk
Singing about walking the dog ...... The dog wants to go for a walk

I was listening to this oldies hit and wondering why my family never wants to take me for a walk. I am the lead dog. It is MY WALK. They are supposed to go where I want to go. If that happens to be a bit out of the way so I can examine a dead rodent, so be it. What if the rodent isn't actually dead, and he mutates into a killer rodent who then proceeds to destroy the world? I can warn the humans and maybe kill him before it happens. Also, dead birds need to be examined because they are the type of creature who will "play dead' and then get up and steal our snow. Jeff says he won't take me for a walk if I am un-cooperative and he has to carry me home. I am so tired of these constant accusations. I've told them over and over that obedience school is a total waste of time and money because they will never learn to obey. They aren't the smartest family of humans in the world, but I love them anyway. Now that I think about it, walks are over-rated. You get your paws dirty, and it cuts into nap time.
I think it is time to go. I feel a nap coming on.

Demon Flash Bandit (Leader of the Walk)


Does Anyone Really Like Their Dentist?

November 16th 2007 6:49 am
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Snow Dogs was such an excellent movie. I particularly liked the part where the sled was about to go over the cliff until Demon pulled out his switchblade, cut the ropes and saved the dogs. Then he said, "I have no idea why you silly humans drag us out of our nice warm beds to pull a stupid sled with you fat (I don't care if you only weigh 60 pounds--we dogs say you are too fat) humans who are annoying us with your silly mushing race. Have you never heard of jet skis? We do not enjoy running and having to pull your fat butts through the snow. Now there is one less dentist in the world and I don't know anyone who actually likes their dentist." That speech was so beautiful, it brought a tear to my eyes, and I loved watching the dentist and Lightning Jack go tumbling down the cliff. It reminded me of Toonses the Cat driving a car only without the car. By the way, cats should not be allowed to drive but I digress. The point is that dogs keep having to do stupid things that humans want them to do even when there isn't a good reason to do them. I have some news for the humans out there. I do not enjoy pulling a sled. I don't know where you humans get these ideas. Did you ask the dogs? If you did, you would learn that they have better things to do like taking naps. If you interview all the people working instead of assuming they are loving their jobs, you might get a real surprise to find that most of them don't like to work and, we dogs are a lot smarter than you people. If you have learned that working isn't fun, do you think we can't figure it out? The same goes for horses. Try asking them before you expect them to work. I remember watching the tv program, Mr. Ed. He was a talking horse, and he wasn't discussing the joy of work. He was usually trying to get out of work. If you haven't seen the movie, Snow Dogs, it is a great movie. The star, Demon, should have received an Academy Award, but it went to some talentless human that year.

Demon Flash Bandit (Speaking for Dogs Everywhere)


I Loved Angel's Hot Dog Halloween Costume

November 15th 2007 7:51 am
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I had to wait for "Miss Drama Queen" to get off the computer. By the way, Angel, nice buns. HAHAHA She hates that so I have to say it. I can't tell you how much I enjoyed the hot dog costume Mommy got for her. It has been hours of entertainment for me. She got mad at me bedcause I told her maybe next year she could go as a hamburger. I thought I was being very funny. I think she just has no sense of humor.

Jeff's comedy went well last night. Mommy even brought home a new squeaky toy for each of us. Actually, Angel's doesn't squeak, it rings which is funny because now she thinks her cell phone is ringing every time she plays with the toy. I haven't told her it is the toy. She is still looking for the toy's "squeaky". Actually, she is smart and figured it out, but it is more fun to call her an idiot.

I tried to negotiate some wages for my babysitting, but I had to settle for the new squeaky toy.

I'll write more tomorrow. Angel took up so much of my valuable computer time that I'm ready for a nap.

Demon Flash Bandit (Underpaid Babysitter)


Busy Bones

November 14th 2007 9:45 am
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I can't write much today. I have to babysit for my other brother earlier than usual because Jeff is doing his stand up act in Ann Arbor. Angel says she hopes he remembers to stand up when she isn't there to administer her puppy slaps of justice. She has done her best so it isn't her fault if he sits down instead of standing. Humans can only learn so much--they don't have a dog's intellectual capacity, but they are so cute when they try.

Because I have to be brief, I won't get into anything too indepth today, but I do want to ask how a bone can be called a busy bone when it only lasts for about 5 minutes? Mommy brought me home a big one yesterday, and it took less than 5 minutes for me to devour it. Maybe it is a busy bone for a toy poodle, but not for a Siberian husky. I want a busy bone that actually keeps me busy. Mommy says it they made one that would keep me busy, it wouldn't fit in the van. I guess Mommy thinks she is a commedienne now. Anyway, I love the busy bones so it is nothing against the busy bone people, but couldn't you make one that is---maybe the size of a shoebox so a husky could stay busy? If I can devour it so quickly, I bet it doesn't stand a chance with a Great Dane. I've got to go now. I'll let you now how Jeff's stand up turned out. I've got to go try to negotiate some wages for my babysitting.

Demon Flash Bandit (Not Busy with a Busy Bone)


Advice for People Reading this at Work

November 13th 2007 9:25 am
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Demon Flash Bandit reporting for diary entry duty. Great, now that I'm alone, I think I'll goof off some. At least goofing off is better than working. Napping is better than goofing off or working. I really don't have a boss. I AM THE BOSS. I also don't mind writing this entry, but I thought I'd make those of you who are reading this at work feel better--it is called establishing a bond through common experiences. Okay, I have no idea what it is called, but it sounds good, doesn't it? You are sitting at your computer on company time reading words of wisdom from me, Demon Flash Bandit. My first word of wisdom is: DON'T GET CAUGHT. Look busy... act like you are actually typing and whatever you do, don't laugh. If you do, get a keenex and try to make it look like a cough. Did you know that a lot of companies are actually in business to make money? This does not apply to those of you who work for the govt. You don't have to worry because the govt.'s mission is not to make money. When you figure out what their mission is, let me know. Since I'm running for president, it might be an important thing to know. I think it is to "serve" the people. I just hope they, like the aliens in that classic Twilight Zone" episode don't have a cookbook entitled, "To Serve Humans". Anyway, I guess it is an okay system because the employees they hire are usually in it for the money as well. Some of the big companies or corporations are very stupid about making money. They will put someone in charge who is totally imcompetent and who ends up costing the company a lot of money or is using the company to add to their own bank account. Why aren't some of those CEO's better screened? Just because they are nice on the golf course doesn't mean they should be running a company. Why doesn't someone sniff their butt...that is the best way to tell what kind of person they are? We dogs have been doing it for years. Again, let's not use the govt. as an example although there are two in there now are are perfect examples. I like to refer to them as characters from the Wizard of Oz. One needs a heart (Tin Woodman) and the other needs a brain (Scarecrow). You know who they are so I will leave you with these words of advice.....QUIT LETTING HUMANS RUN THINGS.....IT'S TIME TO ELECT DEMON FLASH BANDIT. My motto: A Milkbone and a dingo bone--the perfect combination, and every dog should have both. I've got to go now. Demon Flash Bandit.....signing off.

Demon Flash Bandit (Perceptive Dog)


Veteran's Day

November 12th 2007 8:25 am
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Hold the applause. Demon Flash Bandit is back for another diary entry. Some of you dogs have a holiday weekend, and some don't. Today is Veteran's Day in the U.S. I've had some dogs ask me about it. I think it is a day set aside to honor the people who have served in the military. I miss my Daddy who is no longer with me because of the time he was in the military. I think he should have stayed home, but we dogs are a lot smarter than you humans. We don't try to come up with weapons that will blow up the entire planet. We just bite our enemies. It is effective and leaves the planet in one piece. Maybe someday you humans will learn to be more like us dogs. One step in the right direction would be to elect me, Demon Flash Bandit, president. In honor of Veteran's Day, I will cover some more history but this time I'll start at the beginning. I know you people can't wait. Now stay awake. As I told you, when you slept in history class, your teacher didn't have big teeth--and I don't mind using them.

There used to be dinosaurs roaming the Earth. They had an advanced civilization. Humans at that time were just stupid cave men who were kind of backward. The Dinosaurs were a happy group. This has actually been chronicled in an informative documentary television show called Dinosaurs. It is a reality series that shows the life of a normal working dinosaur called Earl. Earl is very typical of his time period, and they thought showing a regular, working guy would be good for ratings.

Life for the dinosaurs was pleasant until the birds showed up, They started stealing snow and causing all kinds of problems that resulted in the dinosaurs demise. Before they died off, they had to serve as appliances and pets for the humans who had finally gotten out of their awkward "cave man" period. This is chronicaled in an animated documentary, The Flintstones. This time they took a normal, average human pair, Fred and Wilma, and showed us what their life was like in those days.

Humans began their civilization around the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers (of course this is written history because during the aforementioned periods, they couldn't write). The humans kept fighting with each other and formed armies for the perpose of killking each other. That area is in the middle east; and obviously, the fighting is still on. Why are they still fighting? My guess is that one violent action causes another, and then it goes on and on until someone finally says enough. That is why us dogs should be running things. We get along with others so much better than humans do.

Okay that is my history lesson for today. I hope everyone out there has an enjoyable day whether you have to work or not (unless you work for a bank, the post office, or the govt., you probably have to work). Don't forget---WORK CAN BE FUN----AS LONG AS YOU DON'T DO IT. HAHAHA

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog who could use a dinosaur bone to chew on


Angel Zoom Smokey Should Get Her Own Theme Song--and Leave- Me Alone.

November 11th 2007 9:38 am
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Its Demon Flash Bandit Time.....Demon Flash Bandit Time.....Everyone who is Reading this Knows its Demon Flash Bandit Time.....Look how Happy Everyone is..........NO, IT IS NOT ANGEL ZOOM SMOKEY TIME......get your own theme song and leave me alone. I was in the middle of a wonderful theme song I wrote for myself and SHE had to come in and interrupt me. Now all you dogs out there see what I have to put up with. She plays with my toys, tries to take my rawhide bones (even if Mommy says they are hers--Mommy is obvously wrong), and generally annoys the Deemster. However, I do think she looked hot in her "hot dog" costume so I put up with her. Okay forget the theme song. I think she is just jealous because she doesn't have a theme song. Is it my fault that she doesn't posess the brilliant mind of Demon Flash Bandit?

I have a couple of pieces of breaking news. My brother, the F-ster will be performing his stand up comedy in Ann Arbor Wed night which means I will get a break from Angel annoying me because she will be busy puppy slapping Jeff. She says it is stand up comedy and he keeps trying to sit down. I told her that humans are like that. You have to watch them every minute or they will get themselves into some kind of trouble.

I have also decided that I should write a book (with Mommy's help) about my life. I have been thinking about it and I think the brilliant thoughts of Demon Flash Bandit should be shared with the world. Mommy says one of my most endearing qualities is my modesty. I have to agree with her. Doesn't modesty mean that I am superior to all other life forms? I'm only kidding. I am not superior to other life forms except birds of course and their little micro mini flying relatives, the mosquitos. By the way, if they bite me, I say it is fair game to bite them back. I am just a regular dog, but I have a lot of ideas that just come to me while I'm sitting around munching on dingo bones. Yes, Mommy I said Dingo bones. I like rawhide bones, but Dingo bones are far superior to regular rawhide bones, and I prefer them. I still haven't heard from the Dngo people. You'd think that they would love the idea of a presdential candidate endorsing their product. Maybe they are just busy trying to make enough of them to meet demand.

I know I haven't mentioned my singing group, The Howling Huskies, but we were really howing away yesterday. Jeff made up a song (Mommy had the nerve to say it was a stupid sone--like she knows a good song when she hears it), and we were howling along with Jeff. I think we should record a cd. If bugs like Beatles and furry animals like Monkees can be successful, why not the Howling Huskies? I hate to mention it, but even the Byrds have made cds. Mommy said when those groups were recording, they were actually called records. I geuss they changed the name to cd because it is shorter and easier to spell, and believe me, the humans spell so badly that they have to have "spell check" on their computers.

I've covered enough topics for the day. If and when I finish my book, I'll be glad to put my pawgraph in the book for you dogs. It is always nice to chat with you, and let you know what is going on. I hope ya'll are having a wonderful weekend (Mommy is from Georgia even if she seldom says ya'll anymore).

Demon Flash Bandit (Potential Author)


Welcome to Dogland

November 10th 2007 8:05 am
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How are all you dogs out there in DOGLAND? I think I'll change the name of this country to Dogland when I get elected. It has a nicer ring to it than the United States. I know I like it better. To be fully democratic, I will let my constituents vote on it. I think all you dogs will agree with me so I think we know what the outcome will be. HAHAHA I might let it stay the U S since people in other countries seem to know about it, but it will definitely be something I'm thinking about. As you dogs already know, my main mission will be to kill off ALL the birds. We wouldn't have global warming if it weren't for those little flying feathered snow thieves. I really hate their annoying songs. If you humans could translate bird like us dogs can, you would know that they are actually singing....we are stealing snow...... we are causing global warming.....the humans will all die.....then we will take over. If only you humans could speak bird, you would know what they are planning---those little feathered traitors.

I think I will stop dwelling on world problems and get back to my favorite topic of yesterday......SNOW BUDDIES. It looks like such a great movie. Since it is coming out direct to dvd, a dog can see it when it first comes out instead of having to wait for it to play in theatres and then come out on dvd. I still can't believe the indignity of dogs not being allowed in theatres.

I've got to stop. It looks like I need to doggie slap Angel Zoom Smokey. Until tomorrow.........

Demon Flash Bandit (Citizen of DOGLAND)



November 9th 2007 8:15 am
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I just discovered that there was a tv show called Rawhide. I've got to watch that show because it must be a great show. On the subject of great shows, there is a movie coming out on dvd called SNOW BUDDIES. It has puppies from the Air bud series, and they make friends with huskies and it looks like a great movie. It is supposed to be released in Feb, 2008. If you buy Ratatoille (Sp?), there is a trailer for it. It was the best part of the dvd (my opinion). It is from Disney studios, and I can't wait to watch it. I've always said they should make more dog movies. Dog movies are the best ones. Who cares what the silly humans are doing? I'd rather see dogs and I know a lot of you dogs agree with me on that.

I will take a break from the coverage of historical presidents because I know it gets boring for most people. I will cover another one when there is no important news like the movie, Snow Buddies. I also need to have the time to tell you what I've been up to. I've been chewing on rawhide bones. I chase Angel around for fun. I also enjoyed going to Arbys yesterday. I have a very full life. Napping is a very important activity. Did you know that you can nap and dream about doing all sorts of things, but when you wake up, you are rested and you aren't sore? I can't understand why humans bother to exercise when they can just take a nap and dream about exercise and it is done. What idiot came up with the no pain, no gain slogan? Since that idiot likes pain, I suggest we take he or she out and shoot them. Trust me, they'll love it because they want pain, and I think they deserve it for coming up with such stupid gibberish. Yes, I said gibberish. That is all it is. The sad thing is that some stupid people fall for it. I wonder if drs. in emergency rooms have the nerve to look at the patient and say, yes, Mr. Smith, your leg had to be amputated, and you don't have long to live; but on the good side, no pain no gain. I can just see the patient whacking that dr. with an oxygen tank. Of course, there would be a long line of patients ready to whack that dr. He could look at them and say, you don't need pain pills because you wouldn't gain anything without the pain. On the plus side, that dr. would end up in so much pain that he could be happy too. What is that supposed to mean anyway? What do you gain? More pain or perhaps the opportunity to have pain for the rest of your life--who could ask for anything more? As I said, there are a lot of idiots in the world and the sad thing is you humans tend to listen to them. Have you ever heard a dog say, no pain no gain? I think that proves that dogs are smarter which, of course, is why I'm running for president. I promise to ban that slogan from all communication. I think I'll also ban that stupid slogan of Nike, Just Do It. Just do what? There are just too many undesirable outcomes to that slogan. For example, I was thinking about shooting the neighbor down the street, and then that commercial for Nike came on that said Just Do IT, and I realized how right they were. I should just shoot the guy so it is okay and not illegal because I was told to do it by the Nike company. If I didn't, they might kick me with one of their shoes for not doing it.

I've got to get back to my nap. Don't forget---SNOW BUDDIES. It looks like an awesome movie.

Demon Flash Bandit (Dog who can't wait to see Snow Buddies)

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